Wicked Games
by SugaKane01
Summary: Derek's an expert player at the game of love but what happens when he wants to play w/Reid? Is Derek finally ready to stop playing games and when s/one else makes a play for Reid, how will Derek react and what will Spencer do? M/R/ SLASH ON INDEFINITE HIATUS
1. Prologue

**AN: I was watching A Thin Line Between Love and Hate and the scene where Martin Lawrence' s character is explaining the rules to his friends inspired me to write this. This is the first story that I'm publishing and criticism/reviews are totally welcome. This is gonna be slash so if that's not your thing, you don't want to read this one.**

**Disclaimer: I do own Criminal Minds or any of its characters. The only thing that belongs to me is a very vivid imagination.**

**Contains mild spoilers for "Derailed" "The Popular Kids" "Somebody's Watching" "The Boogeyman" "Sex, Birth, Death" "Profiler, Profiled" "Revelations" "In Name and Blood" "Lucky" "Mayhem" "Minimal Loss" "The Instincts" "Memoriam" "Brothers in Arms" "Amplification" "Conflicted" "To Hell…and Back" "Nameless, Faceless" "100" "Our Darkest Hour" and "Our Longest Night".**

**Prologue: Strange What Desire Will Make Foolish People Do**

Derek Morgan was fucked. He threw a covert glance across the aisle at Spencer Reid and saw that the young genius was wearing an expression that left no doubt should Derek even attempted to speak to him all hell would break loose. So Derek stayed on his side of bullpen, playing back the events of the past few months in his head and trying to figure out how he was going to get out the situation he currently found himself in. The situation that he had created.

Derek had known better. He knew every play in the Player's Handbook by heart, hell he'd even authored a few of the chapters. Derek didn't just play the game, he was the freaking MVP. It wasn't surprising that Derek never found himself lacking for company. He was extremely attractive and his chocolate brown skin, warm brown eyes and tall, muscular frame that housed bulging biceps and picture perfect abs pretty much guaranteed that when he walked into a room, he would be the center of attention . In truth, Derek looked more like the leading man on some daytime drama instead of an FBI agent who made a living profiling some of the most dangerous people in the country. While his looks made it easy for him to capture someone's attention, it was the sheer force of Derek's personality that allowed him to keep it. He was charismatic, charming, and confident. His smile was like turning on the sun, and his laugh was a pleasant, melodic sound that hinted at hidden depths and soothed the soul. Derek flirted like it was as natural as breathing and he knew just how to get someone eating out the palm of his hand. Derek knew who he was, what he had to offer and what he wanted, and it was that combination of good looks, personality and confidence that many people found impossible to resist.

As sure as he was of what he did want, Derek was equally sure of what he didn't want, and what he didn't want was a relationship. He didn't want to be tied down, he didn't want to open himself up to the scrutiny of someone else, someone who might have the power to tear him to pieces. Derek had worked too long and too hard to build himself back up to ever hand over that type of power again to anyone. Derek liked things nice, uncomplicated and easy. To keep them that way Derek didn't date, but he did hook up. A lot. His boys would always ask him how he managed it, to get in, get what he wanted and get out without a bunch of drama or looking like a dog.. He would always tell them that the secret to his success was that he always obeyed the rules of the game. Never lie. Always let it be known you aren't exclusive. Don't do "relationship" things so there is no expectation of monogamy, (Derek Morgan did NOT want to meet your mama). Most importantly, obey two of the most fundamental rules of the game: Don't play where you stay and don't play where you work.

Simple rules really and Derek adhered to them like they were the gospel. He never took anyone to his place, he never created expectations beyond good company and great sex. He never pretended he wasn't seeing other people and as far as his workplace went…Derek never, repeat, _**never**_, hooked up with anyone from the office. Derek had been tempted over the years…a mail clerk here, an agent there, that temp in human resources…but he never violated the rules of the game. He knew better. And he'd never wanted anyone badly enough to take the risk. Or at least he hadn't…until Spencer Reid.

If someone had told Derek back when he first met him that _**Spencer**_ would be the reason Derek lifted his self-imposed ban on office romances, he would have laughed in their face. When they first met Derek had thought Spencer looked like the bastard child of Mr. Rogers and Steve Urkel. His brown hair was parted down the middle and then gelled within an inch of it's life, confined to his scalp like a prisoner of war. He had on a pair of glasses that Derek swore had a co-starring role in Revenge of the Nerds, a pair of dark brown cords that were a little too short and revealed that Spencer was wearing mismatched socks, one blue, one yellow. His white dress shirt was rumpled and stained with both a smear of jam and a spot where he'd spilled some coffee on it. Spencer was also wearing a cardigan that Derek was sure he'd stolen from some 80 year old man. Spencer's entire appearance had left Derek wondering if the kid even owned a mirror. Then Spencer had opened his mouth to speak and good Lord, Derek was sure the kid was going to run out of oxygen if he didn't stop and take a breath. Derek concluded that Spencer Reid might be a genius hand picked by Jason Gideon for the BAU and the future of the unit, but the kid was a stuttering, poorly dressed, wet behind the ears hot mess. If you'd told Derek back then he would come to regard Spencer as the living embodiment of temptation, he would have asked you what you were on.

It wasn't until they'd been working together for a couple of years that Derek noticed Spencer. Not the terrible clothes, not his intelligence, not his tendency to talk at warp speed about things Derek wasn't sure even existed, or his seemingly endless fountain of compassion and empathy, but Spencer. And what he saw made Derek stop, stare and released a coil of smooth heat that uncurled inside of him and went straight to his groin with enough force to make him close his eyes and take a deep breath.

Derek wasn't sure when it happened. He suspected his initial impression and growing closeness with Spencer had somehow blinded him to the changes in the young man. It took a Hollywood starlet dragging Spencer into a pool and making out with him for Derek to take a second look at Spencer and see what he'd been missing.

Spencer was gorgeous. He had wide hazel eyes, soft full lips, high cheekbones and alabaster skin that just begged Derek to nip, bite and leave a mark. He had the hands of artist, slender and graceful. The more Derek looked at them the more he decided Spencer's hands were downright sinful. Spencer would use them to illustrate his point as he talked, arching them through the air with child like exuberance or to keep pace when he was reading, his long, elegant fingers caressing the page, making Derek irrationally jealous of whatever Spencer was reading because he wanted those fingers caressing _him_. Spencer was tall and lean, built more like a runway model than a field agent, and try as he might to tame it, his hair was a perpetual avalanche of brown silk, framing his face and sending out a silent invitation to be touched and tousled. And oh how Derek wanted to touch.

But he wouldn't. He couldn't. There were rules. Not just his rules, but FBI rules to consider. It wasn't worth jeopardizing both their careers, plus the team if things went badly. Then there was his privacy to consider. He didn't exactly broadcast his bisexuality. Derek Morgan was not going to be wearing rainbow colors and marching in a parade anytime soon. As far as Spencer went, he'd spent enough time with him to know that while the kid described his own sexuality as "fluid" he had no practical experience. Sex for Spencer would have to be about more than giving and receiving physical pleasure and surface level emotions. It would be deep, meaningful, and something he'd view as a bonding experience. And THAT was something Derek just couldn't offer and as attracted to him as he was, he liked and respected Spencer as a person too much to take advantage of his youth, his inexperience and his need to belong to someone. So Derek put his attraction out of his head and decided he'd just be there for Spencer.

Over the years being there for Spencer became one of Derek's top priorities. He was there when to listen when Spencer needed to talk about Dr. Bryer and what happened on that train down in Texas. He was there to assure Spencer that Hotch hadn't meant any part of what he'd said to him when they were trapped in the ER by Phillip Dowd and that it was ok to be confused about his feelings about taking a life. He was the one Spencer called when the nightmares got so bad that he was afraid to fall asleep. When Elle left, Derek was the one who held Spencer when he cried and the only one Spencer believed when he told him everything would be ok. He was there to put Spencer back together when he was paralyzed by guilt over how things had gone down with Nathan Harris. He was the one who slept on Spencer's couch to help keep the nightmares at bay after Hankel. He was the one Spencer came to, at three in the morning, tears streaming down his face, glass bottles in his hands, desperation in his eyes begging for help to detox. He was there to hold Spencer together when Gideon left and he was there to keep Spencer from drowning in guilt over how things went down when he and Emily were trapped in that compound with Cyrus. He was also there to pin Spencer against a wall and tell him that if he _**ever **_again did what he'd done with Owen Savage that there wouldn't be anything left of Spencer for Hotch to fire because Derek was going to kill him. Their bond was strengthened when the kid was afraid his father was a pedophile and a murderer and Derek and Rossi stayed behind after a case in Vegas to help Spencer find the truth. Derek was Spencer's rock in the aftermath, when he'd found that while his father may not have been a murderer, he was a selfish coward who left his ten year old son and schizophrenic wife to fend for themselves while he lived ten minutes away doing absolutely nothing to help. For Spencer, finding out that cyber stalking him was the extent of his father's interest in his life was almost worse than thinking the man a killer and it was all Derek could do to keep Spencer on level ground in the weeks and months that followed. When Spencer got Anthrax, Derek was the one who sat vigil by his side in the hospital and offered up his guest room for weeks so he'd be there for every step of Spencer's recovery. Derek was the only one Spencer told about calling in favors to have Adam Jackson transferred to a facility in DC so Spencer could visit on a regular basis. When Spencer got shot in the knee, he bunked in Derek's guest room yet again so he wouldn't have to worry about navigating the stairs at his apartment complex. Whatever Spencer needed, whenever Spencer needed, Derek was there.

As much as Derek was there for Spencer, Spencer returned the favor. After the team found out about Carl Buford, Spencer was the one person who didn't try to make Derek talk about it. He was simply there, with take out and card games and magic tricks and mindless action movies. Spencer was the one person that didn't look at Derek with pity…and that meant more to Derek than he'd ever be able to say, and that was the reason that when Derek did talk about it, he talked to Spencer. When Hotch confronted Derek on his trust issues, Spencer listened to Derek rage and then calmly, quietly told him that he understood how hard it is to trust people after you've been betrayed, but going through life with a closed fist meant no one could ever hold your hand. When Derek was conflicted about faith, Spencer was there to listen, with no judgments and no pressure, assuring Derek that whatever he decided, Spencer had his back. When a case where the UnSub was a cop killer frayed Derek's nerves and pushed him to his limits, Spencer was there to talk him down and help him decompress. When the team made it back from Canada, after being confronted yet again with absolute proof that true evil does exist in the world, Spencer was there. He invited himself over to Derek's and without a word, opened Derek's refrigerator and began to rid it of any and all pork products, then, while Derek showered, made a hushed call to his mother and told her that it might be a good idea to give Derek a call and remind him that there was still love and light in the world. When the nightmare that was George Foyet took over all their lives, Spencer was the one Derek leaned on. When he was wracked with guilt over Det. Spicer's death and confused about what to do with Ellie, Spencer was there, telling Derek of his absolute faith in him and that if he needed to fall apart it was ok because Spencer would be there to put him back together. And when Derek did fall apart, Spencer was solid and sure and Derek had never been more grateful for anyone, or anything in his life.

Derek was grateful, appreciative, protective of Spencer and the friendship they've built. The temptation to push it further, to make it more is ever present, but Derek never let himself go there. He can't break his rules and there's no reason to. The rest of the world seems to be oblivious to Spencer's charms. In all the years that he's known him Spencer's been on one disastrous date with JJ and one equally disastrous date with some guy Garcia set him up with. So Derek settles into what they are, pushing his attraction aside, safe in the knowledge that he and he alone knows just how special Spencer Reid is.

Derek let his mind wander back to the night that led him to this place, the night his bubble was violently, publicly and viciously burst. The team had decided to hit their favorite bar after work. Spencer had tried to beg off, but Derek cajoled him into joining them, pointing out that even Hotch was coming. The moment they hit the bar, Derek got dragged out onto the dance floor. The vibe was good, the music was good and the two ladies pressing themselves indecently up against him were even better. Derek had been on the floor for awhile, when he looked around the bar to see where his team members were.

Garcia and Kevin were on the dance floor with him, doing things that gave him an all too clear picture of what went on in their bedroom. Rossi was at the bar, surrounded by nubile young things, trying to pass at least one the contenders off to Hotch who was looking horrified by the prospect of having to entertain one of Rossi's groupies. Prentiss had eyes on the bartender and was laughing and flirting her way to a possible walk of shame the next morning. JJ was in the back schooling Will and some of the DC's finest on darts and Spencer was…oh HELL no.

Derek's blood ran cold then began to boil. His hands clenched and his eyes narrowed. Spencer was at the opposite end of the bar from Hotch and Rossi, leaning against it slightly, sipping on his club soda, and laughing at something the guy he was talking to had just said. Derek took a closer look at Spencer's companion. He was taller than Spencer, with an athletic build and close cropped blonde hair. He had blue eyes and when he smiled down at Spencer he revealed he had perfect white teeth and even more perfect dimples. The guy stepped slightly closer to Spencer, whispered something in his ear and moved his hand down to the small of Spencer's back.

And just like that, Derek was on the move. Derek didn't stop to think about why he was leaving two hotties who all but promised him a threesome standing alone on the dance floor. He didn't see Garcia nudge Kevin and jerk her head in his direction and then point to Spencer at the end of the bar. He didn't see Kevin hand his girlfriend a twenty dollar bill and break out into a huge grin. As Derek stalked his way toward Spencer, he didn't acknowledge Rossi's smirk, Prentiss' knowing smile, or spend too much time to trying to figure out why Hotch looked like he was about to go medieval on someone. All Derek could see was Spencer and all Derek could focus on was getting that guy the hell away from him. In the moment it took for Derek to put his hand on Spencer's shoulder and give Spencer's new found friend a look a look so scathing that it had the man stuttering his goodbye and making a hasty retreat, Derek had made a decision. He had decided that he'd waited long enough. That he would be damned if he let some stranger in a bar have what he'd been fantasizing about for years. That if there was a line, he was going to cross it, take Spencer with him and damn the consequences.

One moment. That was all it took to get Derek on the path towards self-destruction.. A moment of clarity, or a moment of weakness, he wasn't sure which, but it damned him all the same. Derek had decided in that moment that he wanted Spencer and Derek Morgan was a man who got what he wanted. He'd gone after Spencer knowing full well that he would get him and ignoring the little voice in his head that told him that Spencer would want, would _need_ more than Derek was used to giving. Derek had told himself they'd cross that bridge when they got to it, that the fall out wouldn't be that bad, that the risk would be oh so worth the reward and that he'd be able to make Spencer understand that they could be good friends who had great sex and it didn't need to be anything more than that. Derek convinced himself that he could have Spencer in his life and in his bed without making any major changes to his current lifestyle or causing Spencer any unnecessary emotional distress.

Looking back on it now and taking in his present situation, Derek almost, _almost, _wished he could take it back. That moment, that decision to give into temptation was the reason Derek found himself sitting at his desk, sneaking glances at Spencer who was steadfastly refusing to even acknowledge the older man's presence. To make matters worse, the team was making no secret of their interest in the drama playing out in the bullpen. Garcia kept sending him emails demanding to know what he'd done to her Junior G-Man, Prentiss was trying (and failing) to solicit information out of Spencer, Rossi had stopped by Derek's desk under the guise of needing his help with a case file no less than five times in the past hour and Hotch…Hotch had come out of his office exactly once but it was enough. Hotch had looked at Derek, his face cold, hard and implacable, and Derek had received Hotch's unspoken order: "_**Fix this**_." Derek wanted nothing more in that moment but than to fix it, he just had no clue how.

Before any of this ever got started Derek had known better. What Derek knew now, sitting in the rubble of the emotional bomb that he set off, is that he is completely, totally, and thoroughly fucked.


	2. I'm a Flirt

**AN. Thanks to those who read and reviewed my first chapter. I made some changes, added a bit more back story and fixed some spelling and grammatical errors that I found, so if you've already read the prologue you might want to check it out again and read newly edited version. I wanted to add some more depth to the story, flesh Derek's character out a little more, and a lay a bit more of a foundation. The first few chapters of the story are going to be centered on the past, kind of in flashback format, and will be flipping back and forth between Spencer and Derek's POV's. Hopefully it won't be too confusing to follow. And yes, JJ is in this fic because Criminal Minds without JJ is like Kool Aid without the sugar, Peanut Butter without the jelly, cereal without the milk…it's just wrong.**

**Chapter 1. I'm a Flirt**

Spencer was miserable. He hadn't slept the night before, his heart felt like it had been kicked out of his chest and then chopped up into little pieces, his ego was bruised, and his pride was hurting. When Spencer had woken up that morning he'd wanted nothing more than to call in sick, curl up under a blanket and cry until he couldn't cry anymore. But as miserable as Spencer was, he was also stubborn and it was that stubborn streak that him defiantly striding into work, sitting down at his desk and refusing to so much as look in Derek's direction. Spencer could feel Derek's eyes on him, but hell would freeze over before he would acknowledge the other man's presence.

The tension between him and Derek was apparent and to Spencer's chagrin the team had decided they weren't going to pretend not to notice. Rossi was wearing a groove between his office and Derek's desk, throwing questioning glances Spencer's way at every pass. Prentiss had asked him four times if he wanted to get a cup of coffee and invited him to lunch to talk twice. Penelope had sent him emails offering to do everything from ruin Derek's credit score to Photo shopping incriminating pictures of Derek and Strauss. And Hotch. Hotch hadn't said anything and had only come out of his office once, but his body language has spoken volumes. He was aware something was wrong, he was _pissed_, and he wanted it fixed.

"Yeah, well join the club, Hotch," Spencer muttered under his breath.

Spencer Reid was a genius. He had an IQ of 187 and an eidetic memory. He read 20,000 words per minute and held multiple doctorates and degrees. Spencer was a bonafide, certified, honest to God genius. So how had he let himself end up here? Broken hearted, bitter, miserable and stuck spending the entire day next to the very last person on earth he wanted to see. Spencer let out a sigh and began thinking back on the last few months of his life, trying to decide if all this misery could have avoided and if he should have seen it coming.

It had all started so innocently. The team had decided to hit a local bar after work. Derek had practically dragged him along, dismissing Spencer's plans to grab himself a slice of homemade pie from the coffee shop on the corner, make himself some pasta and get lost in a Tesla documentary, with a wave of his hand and a declaration that he could do that "anytime" but rare would be the opportunity to see Hotch playing the role of Rossi's wingman. Spencer couldn't argue with that logic, so he'd slung his messenger bag over his shoulder and let himself be led away from a quiet evening at home and into a loud, crowded bar.

Once they had entered the bar, the team had taken up their usual positions. A couple of women wearing way too much make up and too little clothing zeroed in on Derek, took him out on the dance floor and then proceeded to dance with him in such a way that Spencer was tempted to start throwing them one dollar bills. Garcia and Kevin ordered a round of drinks and then hit the dance floor as well. They were, if possible, even more explicit in their movements than Derek and his harem and Spencer had found himself quickly looking away, determined to banish the image to darkest corner of his eidetic memory. Emily had adjusted her bosom, wet her lips and made a beeline for the bartender. Rossi, meanwhile had taken notice of a group of co-eds at the bar and then proceeded to beg, threaten, and eventually blackmail Hotch into approaching them with him. JJ and Will had stayed behind at the table, telling Spencer all about Henry and catching him up on all the latest developments regarding his godson. Eventually, a couple of Will's co-workers had shown up and JJ had led them off to face their death by darts, which left Spencer sitting alone at the table.

After a few moments, Spencer had gotten up and made his way to the bar. He found a quiet corner, and sat down, amusing himself by watching Rossi's attempt to hand off a particularly scantily clad co-ed to Hotch. The girl had at looked at Hotch like he was a steak dinner and she hadn't eaten in weeks. For his part, Hotch had looked at Rossi as if he were thinking of just where he was going to dump the older man's body and had looked at the young "lady" clinging to his forearm as if she were an UnSub in the middle of a psychotic break. Hotch made eye contact with Spencer, and a slight smile appeared on his face. Spencer smiled back and was about to get up to go rescue his boss, when the seat next to him was taken. He turned and found himself the recipient of blinding smile.

"I'm Donovan," the man had said, extending his hand toward Spencer. "And you are gorgeous."

"Ah, um…t-thank you. I'm uh, Spencer," Spencer replied. He could feel the blush creeping up his neck and inflaming his cheeks as he shook Donovan's hand.

"So, "Donavan started, "At the risk of sounding like a cliché, come here often?"

Spencer had been startled when he'd realized that Donovan had just used an obvious pick up line on him. He had done a quick profile of Donovan's body language, tone of voice and behavior and didn't detect any malice or danger. Spencer concluded that Donovan was legitimately flirting with him. His heart had started to race and his throat had gone dry. Spencer's first instinct was to grab his messenger bad and flee. But then he remembered how Derek was always telling him that he needed to get out more, meet people, and have some fun. So Spencer had forced himself to relax, squared his shoulders, and returned Donovan's smile.

"This uh, isn't my usual type of scene. I, um, ah, came out with some friends tonight…they're um over there, "Spencer explained waving his hand in the general direction of Rossi, Hotch and the others."Bars and clubs aren't exactly my thing." Spencer explained.

Donovan had given Spencer a long, appraising look. It felt to Spencer like he had just been mentally undressed. Donovan must have liked what he'd seen, because he'd laughed then, cocked his head to the side and leaned in toward Spencer.

"What exactly is your scene?" Donovan asked. He had amusement in his voice and a predatory gleam in his eyes. "Where would you rather be right now?"

Spencer spoke without thinking. "Truthfully, I'd rather be almost anywhere. A silent film festival, a lecture on the physics of Star Trek, a coffee house, the Milestones of Flight exhibit at the Smithsonian, teaching chess at the community center around the corner from my apartment-" Spencer stopped suddenly, feeling like he'd given a very detailed, very wrong answer.

Donovan's eyes had widened in surprise at Spencer's answer. Spencer had prepared himself for Donovan make a graceful exit, but instead he had turned to Spencer, made the Vulcan salute and, in a dead on Capt. Kirk impersonation, asked Spencer "How many fingers do I have up?"

Spencer had felt all the tension immediately leave his body. He had laughed up at Donovan and replied in his best Dr. McCoy, "That's not very damn funny."

Donovan had thrown his head back and laughed. He had then stepped closer to Spencer, placed a hand on the small of his back and leaned down to whisper in Spencer's an ear his invitation to exit the bar, go back to his place and get to know each other better. Spencer had been trying to come up with a way to turn down Donovan's invitation without offending him, because while he didn't want to go home with him he really did want to get to know the other man better and it wasn't often that someone expressed any type of interest in him, when all the sudden he felt the familiar weight of Derek's hand on his shoulder.

Spencer hadn't seen Derek make his way over to where he and Donovan were sitting. He turned to face Derek, prepared to introduce the two men when he caught sight of the expression on Derek's face. The introduction died on Spencer's lips and his pupils dilated in shock. Derek had trained a look of barely restrained violence on Donovan and the other man withered and then beat a hasty retreat.

Spencer didn't understand what had happened. Derek was always telling Spencer he needed to get out more, meet someone special and have some fun. Spencer couldn't understand why the one time he took Derek's advice, Derek had ruined it. Spencer turned to Derek, confusion, hurt and a hint of anger clouding his eyes and demanded an explanation.

"What the hell Derek?" Spencer questioned. "I was talking to him. It was actually going well and you just-"

Derek had cut Spencer off mid-sentence, "You have every right to be angry Pretty Boy. What do you say we get out of here? Let me take you to that little coffee shop you're always talking about, buy you a slice of pie and a latte and make it up to you?" Derek had given Spencer a slow, easy smile. The kind Spencer had seen him use time and again when he was trying to charm someone.

Spencer had been conflicted. On the one hand, he really was upset that Derek had chased Donovan away, but on the other hand Spencer really was ready to leave and Derek really did seem sorry. "Fine," Spencer grumbled, "But it's gonna cost you way more than just one latte."

Derek had grinned lazily at Spencer, looked him right in the eye and replied. "Pretty Boy, I was already planning on giving you way more than a latte." Derek glided his hand across Spencer's shoulder and up to the nape of his neck. He rested it there, tracing tiny circles with his thumb and looked at Spencer with a mix of affection and…something else.

That something else sent Spencer into a tailspin. He fumbled with his messenger bag, banged his elbow, spilled his drink and overturned his bar stool as he attempted to get ready to leave with Derek. His clumsiness mortified Spencer but somehow seemed to amuse Derek. "Careful Pretty Boy, "Derek chuckled as he lowered his voice, "Wouldn't want to leave a mark."

Spencer had stood stock still. As unlikely, improbable, no _impossible_ as it seemed, Derek was flirting with him. Derek was flirting with him. _Derek was flirting with him_! Spencer hadn't known what to do or think. While it was true that years ago he'd harbored a crush on Derek that would rival any Twilight loving tween's devotion to Team Edward, he'd long since abandoned any hope that Derek could ever return his feelings or view Spencer as anything other than. Well…Spencer. Best friend, little brother, co-worker, confidant…

_Lover_. A traitorous voice had whispered in Spencer's ear. He told it shut up. THAT was the last thing Spencer needed in his head. Images of him and Derek kissing, touching, tangled up together, skin against skin, sliding over and on top of each other-

"Yoo Hoo, Spencer, you in there?" Derek's voice had pulled Spencer from his daydream.

Spencer had shaken his head, trying to clear the explicit images from his brain. He blushed, bit his lower lip and nodded. "I'm ah, uh, ah…yeah. Yeah I'm, I'm good. Just uh, yeah. I'm ready." Spencer had somehow managed to string together enough words to make a complete, if not coherent, sentence.

Derek had looked at Spencer, noted his blush and chuckled. "Care to share what's going on in that head of yours Genius?"

"N-n-no! I mean nothing. I mean…you owe me a latte and I'm ready to collect." Spencer had said, trying to divert Derek's attention.

Derek smiled at him, "Whatever you say Pretty Boy. After you." Derek stepped back, and motioned toward the door.

They made their goodbyes to their co-workers. Rossi had been too engrossed in a "conversation" with one of the young ladies from earlier to do more than offer a half hearted wave. Hotch had looked positively murderous and said a curt goodbye as he attempted to disengage himself from the young woman Rossi had sicced on him. She was trying to climb him like a spider monkey and Spencer had feared that if she didn't get the hint soon Hotch was going to go for his gun. Prentiss had dismissed them with a wave of her hand and a cryptic "Play nice Derek." Spencer had hardly had time to think about what that meant when he was wrapped up in a bone crushing hug.

"Garcia!" Spencer wheezed out.

"Sorry Angelfish," Penelope had said, not looking the least bit sorry as she let Spencer go. "Shoo now, go on and get out of here. I'll let JJ and Will know you left. You two have fun." She had given Derek a pointed look. "Be safe love muffins." Garcia added.

"I am always am Baby Girl." Derek returned, giving Penelope a sly wink.

Spencer felt like he had inadvertently entered The Twilight Zone. It seemed like everyone was speaking in riddles and for once he couldn't figure them out. Before he had too much time to dwell on it, Derek had taken hold of Spencer, guided him out of the bar and out into the cool night air.

* * *

This seems like a good place to end this chapter and a good spot to leave the characters. Derek's making his move, Spencer's mostly clueless, Hotch is trying to protect his virtue, Rossi and Prentiss are on the prowl, JJ is steeped in domestic bliss, and Penelope (along with everyone else it seems) is on to Derek. So what happens next?


	3. Coffee And Starfish

**A/N Thank you guys so much for reading and your reviews/feedback/suggestions are greatly appreciated. The rating has been changed to M because of some things I have planned for later chapters.**

**Chapter 2. Coffee & Starfish**

Derek sighed and chanced a glance across the aisle at Spencer. The younger man was sitting at his desk; eyes glued to his computer screen, attacking the keys on his keyboard with such ferocity that it made Derek wince. There were only a few feet of space separating their desks but judging by Spencer's body language and his adamant refusal to acknowledge Derek's existence, there might as well have been a continent between the two men.

Spencer stopped his assault on the defenseless keys and took a long sip from his coffee cup. Derek huffs a small laugh. No matter where he was or what he was going through, Spencer always had a near orgasmic reaction to the perfect cup of coffee. Derek watched as Spencer's hands curled around the cup, fingering it lightly, handling it like it was some small treasure. Spencer inhaled deeply and Derek saw his shoulders relax slightly as he took comfort in the familiar smell. His eyes closed as he drank and when he was done he exhaled, a small of sigh of pleasure escaping his throat. Spencer ran his tongue quickly across his lips before setting his coffee cup back down, returning to his typing, less brutal and more settled than he had been before.

As Derek let his eyes slide to the coffee cup on Spencer's desk, the logo seemed to taunt him. It was from the shop around the corner from Spencer's apartment. The shop where they'd had their first unofficial date. Derek tried the keep the memories of that night at bay, but they crept in, took over and Derek found himself lost in the memory of that first "date" with Spencer.

As he looked around Derek instantly understood why Zacharra's was one of Spencer's favorite places. It had been converted from a bookstore into a coffee shop, but several bookcases filled with books and a small lounge area still remained in the back. Instead of current popular music, the classical strains of Beethoven floated through the air. The furniture in the seating area was a charming collection of mismatched tables and chairs that created a comfortable sort of chaos. Their assortment of caffeinated beverages ranged from a simple cup of coffee to more sophisticated espressos, macchiato's, latte's and the like. The desserts were all homemade and the menu changed daily depending upon what Mrs. Zacharra had prepared. There was usually an assortment of cakes, pies, cookies and traditional Italian desserts to be had. As he watched Spencer take a long sip of his latte, and dig into his tiramisu, a tiny speck of cream landing on the corner of his mouth, Derek had marveled at how well Spencer fit into his surroundings. The two had taken a table in the back, close to the books, in a quiet corner and had been traded jokes and speculating on whether or not Hotch or Prentiss had managed to escape from the bar with their virtue intact. . The pair were interrupted every now and again by regular customers saying hello to Spencer and mentioning how nice it had been to run into him at that jazz concert in the park or at that film festival or gallery opening. As he watched Spencer interact with various customers Derek couldn't help but think that he and the rest of the team had been doing Spencer a bit of a disservice.

Derek flinched slightly when he realized how many places the team dragged Spencer to in an effort to help him overcome his social awkwardness…bars, clubs, sporting events, none of which Spencer seemed to enjoy or have any interest in. Rossi and Hotch had even taken him on hunting trip in an ill advised attempt at male bonding. Prentiss and JJ had forced him to go to a speed dating event and Derek had strong armed Spencer into attending numerous "Guys Night Out" with him and his buddies. Derek noted that not once in any of their attempts to "help" Spencer had any of them asked him what he would have liked to do. Not once had they allowed Spencer to choose the social activity or given serious thought to the notion that he might not need their help, they all assumed his life consisted of the BAU, Discovery Channel and long, lonely nights at his apartment. The steady stream of people coming up to their table helped Derek realize that not only did Spencer have a social life, but there had probably been many a night where he'd sat by in quiet misery allowing his teammates to put labels on him that weren't entirely accurate when he very probably had somewhere else he'd rather be and something else he'd rather be doing.

As much as it pained Derek to admit that he might not know Spencer as well as he thought he did, that discovery did nothing to quell the desire he felt for him or deter him from following through with his plan to get Spencer into bed. The memory of seeing Spencer laughing up at another man, at another man touching him, another man attempting to get Spencer into his bed, still made jealousy burn hot in Derek's gut and only served to strengthen his resolve. Derek shook the image of Danny, or Dante or whatever the hell his name had been from his head and reminded himself that it didn't matter what that guy had wanted because Spencer was here, with Derek and he was going to make the most of it. Trying to settle into the moment, he took a bite of his apple pie and sighed in approval.

"Good isn't it?" Spencer asked him, having heard Derek's sigh. "Everything here is amazing. I've been coming in almost every day for the last couple of years. I usually stop in on my way home and grab some dessert to go with dinner. Mrs. Z's made it her personal mission to, uh, as she puts it "put some meat on my bones." I have a standing dinner invitation at their home every Sunday that we're in town. If it weren't for the Zacharra's and JJ, I'd never have a home cooked meal." Spencer laughed, happily devouring his dessert.

Spencer had a standing Sunday dinner invitation? Derek turned that thought over in his head and then blanched with guilt as he got a brief flashback of him and Rossi dragging Spencer to Hotch's to watch a football game a few weeks ago. They'd ignored Spencer when he'd claimed to have plans, thinking he was just trying to get out of hanging with them and they were rescuing him from spending his day alone. Derek was starting to wonder why Spencer played along with the team's misconceptions of him. Surely he had to be aware of how they saw him. He pushed that thought to the side. He'd bring it up later, but right now there were other things that required Derek's attention. .

"Well Pretty Boy, I can understand the temptation to take you home." Derek drawled, taking another bite of pie. Spencer's fork clattered to his plate. Derek smirked. Spencer shot a look across the table and Derek knew Spencer had gotten the innuendo. Spencer looked like he was struggling to come up with something safe to say after Derek's comment. Derek left the ball in Spencer's court and waited to see how he reacted. Seconds ticked by and Spencer still looked like an adorable deer caught in headlights. Derek was about to rescue him when Spencer looked at Derek's apple pie and was apparently inspired.

"Did you know that the expression as American as apple pie is a bit misleading?" Spencer began, "It could lend one to make the assumption that apple pie is an American dessert, when in fact its origins are believed to be English. Though it's true that the original, traditional English apple pie wasn't as sweet as the-"

"Spencer." Derek had cut him off. Of all the things he wanted Spencer's mouth to be doing at that moment, giving him a lecture on the history of apple pie wasn't one of them. Derek decided if they were going to get to where he wanted to go he was going to have to take them there.

"Apple pie is good," Derek said, as he gave Spencer a slow appraising look. He took his index finger and dragged it through the whipped cream on the top of the pie. He made deliberate eye contact with Spencer as he licked away the cream and his let his voice fill with suggestion. "But I prefer…cherry."

As if on cue, Spencer's pupils dilated and his face flushed his cheekbones and ears taking on a tiny hint of pink. Derek knew that there was no way Spencer could have missed the sexual connotation in his comment. They'd had many conversations about Spencer and his virginity, and Derek frequently joked that if Spencer really wanted his cherry popped there had been any number of prostitutes over the years that had made the offer. Derek knew Spencer would remember those conversations, get the reference and know exactly what Derek was referring to. Once again the ball was in Spencer's court. Derek sat back and waited on Spencer's response.

Spencer's response was to panic. And a panicked Spencer Reid meant only one thing: a never ending stream of statistical data. "Oh, um, ah, um…that's not too surprising. Cherry is one of the ten most popular varieties of pies in the United States. It's traditionally prepared with tart rather than sweet cherries so that the eventual sweetness of the pie can better be controlled and the cherry taste more pronounced. Morello cherries are one of the more common varieties used but it's not unusual for other types to be utilized, such as the native black cherry, Lambert or Montmorency. The average tart cherry tree, depending of course on the age of the tree, weather and growing conditions, has about 7,000 cherries on it and it takes about 250 cherries to make a cherry pie so in theory each tree could reasonably be expected to produce enough cherries for 28 pies-"

"Spencer" Derek stopped Spencer's second lecture of the night. Spencer had started to toy with his napkin and bite his lower lip. Derek decided he was going to go for broke. "Pretty Boy, relax. I always love to hear you talk, but when I suggested we leave together it wasn't so that you could give me a lecture on baked goods."

"W-w-why did you ah, a-ask me to leave? I was talking to someone and you seemed to be having a good time on the dance floor." Spencer raised an eyebrow as he remembered the two young women who had wrapped themselves around Derek, rubbing and grinding themselves up against him with such fervor he'd been sure they were some sort of fire hazard. "A _real_good time." He emphasized, with a bit of a hard edge to his voice.

_Shit._ Of course Spencer had seen the floor show Derek put on with his dance partners earlier. Derek was frantically tried to find some way to downplay the fact that he'd practically been having sex on the dance floor when the edge in Spencer's voice registered in his brain. Realization dawned and he once again flashed his patented Derek Morgan smile. Spencer was jealous. There was no reason for Spencer to be jealous unless Spencer was interested, and if Spencer was interested then Derek was golden.

"I wasn't where I wanted to be," Derek said, as he moved his chair closer to Spencer. Derek shifted in seat and leaned over so that he facing Spencer. He reached around and let his fingers thread through Spencer's hair. He tilted the angle of Spencer's head so that his lips could brush lightly against Spencer's ear and murmured, "Not only was I not where I wanted to be, but you weren't where you _needed_ to be, Pretty Boy."

Derek felt Spencer's breath hitch. It seemed like an eternity went by before Spencer spoke. He finally exhaled and met Derek's gaze.

"Where exactly is that, Derek? Where did you want to be?" Spencer whispered. His voice wavered and he dropped his eyes for a second until he bravely brought them back up again. "Where do I need to be?"

Derek's fingers tightened in Spencer's hair. His focus shifted from Spencer's eyes to his mouth. Spencer's lips looked lush, soft and sensuous. Spencer saw him looking and trapped his bottom lip in between his teeth in an effort to keep it from trembling. Derek caught sight of that smear of cream from Spencer's long forgotten tiramisu and decided to show, rather than tell, Spencer what he wanted to know.

Derek dropped a tiny, chaste kiss against Spencer's ear. He then nipped gently on his earlobe, and nuzzled his way down to Spencer's neck. Derek then placed tiny butterfly kisses along Spencer's jaw line, until he made his way to the corner of his mouth that was home to that tempting daub of cream. Derek let his tongue sneak out to swipe at the cream, and slowly licked it away. Spencer had gasped and Derek had taken the opportunity to claim his mouth.

Derek had spent years fantasizing about kissing Spencer. He had imagined that it would start off hesitant, that it would be soft and gentle, more like a caress than a kiss. Then, as they gained confidence and grew more comfortable it would deepen, becoming passionate, their tongues intertwining, their breath becoming heavy, their hands roaming all over. He had imagined how Spencer would taste, how he would feel, and how he would sound. Derek had lived off those fantasies for years. Kissing him now, Derek found that his fantasies had left him woefully unprepared for the real thing.

The first touch of their lips had been little more than a gentle brushing of introduction. It was soft, it was gentle but it was better than anything Derek had ever imagined. _Yes Finally,_Derek had thought as he'd felt Spencer's lips quiver under his. Derek savored the innocence in that first contact, the fulfillment of a long denied desire. He had then pushed forward, increasing the pressure, coaxing Spencer into going further, giving more, taking more. His tongue ran across Spencer's lower lip, teeth nipping, and requesting entry. He nearly purred in pleasure when Spencer acquiesced, opening his mouth so that Derek could slip his tongue inside. He licked his way into Spencer's mouth exploring the taste and feel of him. Their tongues met one another, sliding, swirling, and slipping over, under and around as they teased and tasted, their passion and need growing. Spencer had tasted sweet, a mix of coffee, the tiramisu and something else, something so distinctly Spencer that Derek had felt himself start to grow hot and hard with need and want.

Derek needed _more._He needed to feel Spencer's skin. He needed to hear Spencer moan, gasp and whimper. He needed to hear Spencer say his name. He needed to have Spencer naked, wanton and wanting, writhing, moaning, and coming undone under his touch. He wanted Spencer under him, stretched around him, _begging_ him for more.

Derek realized that if he didn't stop kissing Spencer he was going to take him right there in the coffee shop. Derek had reluctantly broken their kiss and leaned back to create a bit of space between them. He looked at Spencer, took in his kiss swollen lips, the flush on his cheeks and his blown pupils and knew that he'd never seen a more beautiful sight.

"That answer your question Pretty Boy?" Derek asked his voice low and husky with desire.

Spencer's eyes were unfocused and his breathing was ragged. He ran a shaky hand through his hair and looked at Derek.

"I…I...I think so but…" Spencer's voice trails off. Derek waited because he knew that he couldn't rush this, couldn't rush Spencer. "I mean, I get it. But, Derek…I need to hear you say it. And I need to know what it means. If it means anything at all."

The last part was so soft that Derek had almost missed it. The insecurity and uncertainty had torn at Derek's heart. Derek had been conflicted though. This was the part of the evening where he usually made it clear to his potential bed mate that there was absolutely no chance for a relationship, where he made sure they understood that the best they could hope for was to be friends with benefits, and that the "friends" part wouldn't even run that deep. Derek knew the speech by heart, but he couldn't bring himself to say those words to Spencer. He didn't _want_ to say those words to Spencer. Derek still didn't want to be tied down, the thought of commitment still scared the hell out of him and was one of those things that he _did not want_…but he didn't want to add Spencer's name to the list of his meaningless hook ups and purely for pleasure playmates. Maybe, they could be more, have more? Derek wasn't exactly sure what more was, certainly not a _relationship_, Derek didn't do those, but …more. His decision made, he had taken his hands and framed Spencer's face, touching their foreheads together.

"You need the words? I can give you that. I wanted, I _want_ to be with you tonight Spencer. And you, you don't need to be wasting your time with some guy who can't possibly understand how special you truly are. Pretty Boy…Spencer, tonight _you_ need to be with _me."_Derek had then pressed a tiny, chaste kiss to Spencer's forehead.

Spencer had been silent for a moment. He then looked at Derek and whispered "What about after tonight?"

"I won't lie to you Spencer. I can't make you any promises and I don't know where we'll go from here." Derek had kissed Spencer briefly. "But I know that I care for you…I know that I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone and I know that I would never hurt you on purpose. If you're willing to take the chance and see where this goes- no strings, no pressure, just two people enjoying each other's company and letting things develop between them, if you're willing to step out of your comfort zone…then so am I."

Spencer had been quiet, and Derek had seen that he was mulling over what he'd said. Making a mental checklist of the pro's and cons, assessing the risk, deciding if his desire for Derek outweighed his well honed sense of self-preservation. Derek started to fear Spencer was going to tell him he couldn't. That it wasn't enough, that Derek had opened the door to someone, only to have them slam it in his face. Derek felt a pain, a physical ache at the thought that Spencer was going to reject him.

Finally after what felt like an eternity to Derek, Spencer had pushed back away from the table and stood up. Spencer looked down at Derek, a small smile on his lips and held out his hand.

"We can be at my place in five minutes." Spencer said. When Derek stood, took Spencer's hand and pulled him close Spencer had murmured against his neck "We can be in my bed in ten."

Derek had all but dragged Spencer out the door and down the street.


	4. I Do Not Hook Up

**Chapter 3. I Do Not Hook Up**

Spencer viciously pounded the keys on his keyboard, telling himself that the sooner he got done with his work, the sooner he could go home and be away from _him._ Spencer could feel Derek's eyes on him, but he absolutely refused to look in the older profiler's direction. He sincerely hoped Derek had the good sense to stay on his side of the aisle because Spencer's hold on his self control was tenuous at best and he really, really didn't want for them to put on a floor show in the middle of the bullpen or force Hotch to have to fire them.

Spencer was exhausted. He stopped typing like a madman and reached for his coffee. He felt the heat from the drink warm his palm and felt a smile pull at the corner of his lips as he lightly traced the cups logo. Spencer inhaled and as the scent wafted over him he felt a bit of the tension he'd been feeling leave his body. Spencer took a sip and felt pure caffeinated pleasure course through his veins. He sighed happily. Spencer took a small amount of comfort in knowing that even if the rest of his life was going down in flames, he could still count on Zacharra's for the perfect cup of coffee. He licked his lips, sat down his cup and got back to work, feeling a bit calmer than he had been.

Spencer glanced back at his coffee cup. Zacharra's. Thinking of one of his favorite places and some of his favorite people used to give Spencer a warm, happy feeling. It still did, except now there was a hint of sadness underneath because Zacharra's wasn't just Spencer's anymore. Now it was _their_ place. His and Derek's. The place where they'd grabbed coffee before work and stopped for desserts on the way to Spencer's. The place where Spencer had recited poetry while Derek listened, sipping hot chocolate and eating cavalucci cookies. The place Derek and Spencer celebrated as the home of their first "unofficial" date. The place where Derek Morgan and Spencer Reid became Derek and Spencer. Spencer stared at the logo and his eidetic memory started to take him back to the night that he'd let Derek into his place and into his heart.

* * *

Spencer had been nervous taking Derek to Zacharras. It was a sanctuary of sorts for Spencer. It wasn't the type of trendy, Starbucks style place that appealed to tourists or the more stylish, upwardly mobile locals. The décor consisted of a collection of solid, comfortable wooden tables, chairs and benches with plush cushions and intricate carvings. Toward the back there was a lounge area with an assortment of armchairs, settees, and couches in front of a small fire place. There were book cases lining the back wall, littered with everything from 15 century poetry to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It was the type of place that a genius could go and feel normal. Spencer loved it there. He loved the books, the homemade desserts and the fact that instead of current top 40 tunes the sound system would play classical music or soft jazz. Zacharra's was one of the few places Spencer had found where he wasn't awkward or outcast or out of place. Spencer fit there. He belonged there. And he'd never shared it with anyone from the team -not even Gideon. He needed Derek to like it here, to understand why Spencer liked it so much. He didn't know why it was important for Derek to understand, just that it was.

He and Derek ordered their coffees and desserts. Spencer got tiramisu and Derek got apple pie. Spencer teased him about being surrounded by real, authentic Italian desserts and choosing something he could get literally anywhere and Derek teased him about even his dessert having to taste like coffee. Despite Spencer's nerves, the two men settled into easy conversation, laughing about Rossi's attempts to help Hotch "hook up" back at the bar, cringing at the display Penelope and Kevin put on out on the dance floor and speculating on Prentiss' chances of doing a "walk of shame" the next morning. They were interrupted every so often by someone who knew Spencer from the shop or from one of the places he liked to hang out or from the neighborhood. Spencer couldn't help but notice Derek's reactions to both the interruptions and the knowledge that Spencer, contrary to popular BAU belief, DID have a social life. Granted, Spencer wasn't one to be found at the latest club, "getting his groove thang on" as Derek called it, but Spencer did have hobbies and interests and people in his life that he could share them with. He knew Derek was probably wondering why Spencer never showed this side of himself to the team, but Spencer didn't know how to explain it. He didn't know how to say "I need to keep part of myself to myself because if I let you guys in all the way it will hurt that much more when you leave me." Spencer knew how pathetic and weak that made him sound. He'd rather his friends - his family- think him socially inept and in need of intervention than know just how bone deep his insecurities ran.

Spencer shook the unhappy thoughts away. He was sitting in his favorite place, with one of his favorite people. He was going to enjoy it. Spencer stole a glance at Derek. After all the years they'd known each other, Derek still took Spencer's breath away.

Spencer flashed back to the first time he ever saw Derek, how his heart had started racing, his stomach had fluttered and he had known, just known, that he'd never seen anyone more beautiful in his life. Spencer had desperately wanted to come off as calm, cool and collected, the type of person that Derek would want to get to know and the type of agent that Derek could trust to have his back. Instead, Spencer had taken one look into Derek's chocolate brown eyes and any chance of his being calm, cool and collected fled, taking along with it coherent thought and the ability to speak and breathe at the same time. Derek had mentioned lunch and instead of responding like a normal person, Spencer had begun to give Derek a detailed explanation of the statistical probability of him coming down with food poisoning. Derek has been taken aback, but had flashed him a smile *omg dimples* - and thanked Spencer for the information. Spencer remained eternally grateful for Derek's reaction to him that first day. His inherent kindness is what made it possible for Spencer to go from crushing on him, to hero worshipping him, to genuinely liking and eventually deeply caring about Derek as a person. Had he laughed at Spencer or reacted cruelly, he never would have let Derek in and they wouldn't be sitting here now, eating desserts and ….doing whatever they were doing.

Spencer didn't know what else they were doing. Spencer could have sworn Derek was flirting with him back at the bar but now he wasn't so sure. Derek hadn't touched Spencer since they left the bar. No accidental brushes of fingertips, no guiding hand on the small of his back, nothing. He hadn't said anything suggestive or given Spencer any special looks. Spencer was starting to think he had just misunderstood, that Derek hadn't been flirting with him at all. Spencer was a little disappointed but not surprised. Even if Derek were into guys (Spencer knew he was thanks to a wicked game of Truth or Dare) guys like Derek Morgan did not hook up with guys like Spencer Reid. It was against the natural order of things. Derek was every woman (and many a man's) fantasy…Spencer was, well Spencer. Spencer attacked his tiramisu, thinking there could be nothing better than a dessert that reminded him of coffee while he was drinking coffee, sitting across from Derek Morgan.

Spencer was snapped out of his musing when Derek made a contented sigh. A grin broke out across Spencer's face. "Good isn't it?" He asked Derek, referring to the slice of apple pie that had caused the happy little sound.

It was a simple question. About pie. Apple pie. Even looking back now, Spencer still couldn't understand how such a simple question led him down the road to debauchery.

Spencer had been talking about the pie. He had told Derek about Mrs. Zacharra's plan to fatten him up and her weekly dinner invite. He once again noted Derek's surprise. Spencer was about to take another bite of his tiramisu and tease Derek about the apple pie again when Derek stunned him.

"Well Pretty Boy, I can understand the temptation to take you home."

Spencer had dropped his fork. His mind had started to race. Surely Derek hadn't meant that the way it sounded. Cause it sounded so…sexual. Spencer's mind hit overdrive. Derek. Sex . Derek. Sex. Derek and Spencer and sex. OMG. Sex with Derek. Spencer slammed on the brakes. _Do. Not. Go. There. _ He told himself. Spencer willed his pulse to steady and tried to banish thoughts of a naked Derek Morgan from his head. Then Spencer realized how much time had passed and realized that Derek was waiting on him to say something.

Spencer didn't know what to say. He certainly couldn't tell Derek he'd just been thinking of him naked. Naked with Spencer. Speak Spencer. Spencer's eyes had searched frantically for something, anything of interest. The pie! The pie that started all this, nice, safe, non sexual apple pie.

Spencer dove into the topic head first. "Did you know that the expression as American as apple pie is a bit misleading? It could lend one to make the assumption that apple pie is an American dessert when in fact its origins are believed to be English," This is good thought Spencer, safe apple pile, "Though it's true that the original, traditional English apple pie wasn't as sweet as the-"

"Spencer." One word was all it took. One word and his safety net had disappeared. Spencer looked at Derek.

"Apple pie is good," Derek paused to drag his finger through his whipped cream, "But I prefer…cherry."

Spencer froze. Derek hadn't…he didn't…he couldn't possibly have just…Spencer didn't know what to think. There was no way _Derek Morgan_ had just made reference to taking Spencer's virginity. No way, no how, no not at all. Spencer didn't know what to do. Derek was looking at him like…well, like Spencer looked at Derek when Derek wasn't looking. More silence. Spencer's heart jack hammered in his chest, and he could feel the blush stain his cheeks. Spencer didn't know what to do or say or think. PIE. His brain supplied. Back to the pie.

"Oh, um, ah, um…" _Brilliant start Genius_ "That's not too surprising. Cherry is one of the ten most popular varieties of pies in the United States. It's traditionally prepared with tart rather than sweet cherries…" Spencer retreated into facts and statistics. They were good and safe. Like pie.

"Spencer." Derek had cut him off again. Oh no, oh no. No no no no no not again. Spencer wasn't sure he could handle Derek making any more sexual references.

"…When I suggested we leave together it wasn't so that you could give me a lecture on baked goods."

One sentence and Spencer stopped. Spencer stopped everything. He stopped twisting his napkin in his hand. He stopped chewing on his lower lip. He stopped panicking. He stopped, cleared away everything and thought about where he was and where he wanted to be. Spencer stopped and decided to bite the bullet.

Spencer mustered every bit of confidence he had. "W-w-why did you ah, a-ask me to leave?" Apparently, Spencer's confidence left something to be desired. Spencer thought back on the night, on the bar, on Derek in the bar. Spencer remembered. Derek had been…._indecent_ on the dance floor. He had seemed to be having fun. Spencer had actually been talking to a rather nice, relatively handsome (but not as handsome as Derek his brain automatically supplied) man. Good times all around. So why did Derek practically drag Spencer out of there after forcing him to go in the first place?

Spencer looked at Derek and raised his eyebrow. "You were," Spencer stated dryly, "having a _real_ good time" _Shit. _ Spencer had tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice. If the look on his face was anything to go off of though, Morgan didn't catch it. He actually looked a little chagrined that Spencer had called him on his behavior. Spencer exhaled. He finally had the upper hand. Morgan smiled. It was Derek's "I'm Derek Morgan and I'm about to get what I want "smile. So much for the upper hand.

Derek moved in on him and Spencer stopped breathing. Spencer felt Derek's fingers thread through his hair and he unconsciously leaned into the touch. Spencer couldn't seem to catch his breath and he knew it was because Derek was so close to him. Spencer felt the warmth of Derek's breath against his ear, smelled the intoxicating scent of Derek's cologne and felt the heat that radiated off of Derek's body and felt like he was drowning.

"Not only was I not where I wanted to be, but you weren't where you _needed_ to be, Pretty Boy."

Spencer let the words wash over him . Derek had left those two; Spencer would be charitable and call them ladies, alone on the dance floor because he had wanted to be with Spencer. Derek had chased away his first potential date in months because he wanted Spencer to be with him. Spencer's fantasy was coming true in bright, vivid Technicolor. Derek was here, with him, and he wanted. He wanted Spencer. Derek wanted him!

At least Spencer thought that's what he meant. He hadn't actually said he wanted Spencer. He hadn't actually said much of anything really. There had been flirting, innuendo and suggestion, but Derek had yet to tell Spencer that he wanted him. And Spencer wouldn't, couldn't push forward until he did.

Spencer looked Derek in the eye. "…Where did you want to be?" Spencer couldn't get his voice to go above a whisper. If he were wrong…if Derek wasn't serious and this was just harmless fun, Derek being his usual flirty self, Spencer might not survive it. Spencer was afraid Derek would see the need in his eyes and he didn't want Derek to know how badly Spencer _needed_ so he dropped his eyes for a moment and gathered his nerve. Spencer looked back at Derek again, "Where do I need to be?"

The question hung in the hair for a moment. Spencer had been afraid Derek was going to leave or reject him or something else equally horrible . Instead he had felt Derek's fingers tighten in his hair and Spencer felt a rush of pleasure flood through him. Spencer was sure he'd never felt like that before and equally sure he'd never feel like that again. Derek was staring at Spencer…at his mouth.

Kiss me, please, please, please kiss me. The thought, hope, prayer (?) had slipped out before Spencer even knew it was there. Spencer bit down on his lower lip and closed his eyes.

It was the smallest brush against his ear. Then a scrape of teeth on his earlobe. Then Derek really was kissing him, small, delicate kisses along his jaw line and up to the corner of his mouth. Spencer had felt Derek's tongue then, licking lightly over the area, licking something away...oh. _oh._ Spencer must have had something on his face and Derek had just licked it off. Spencer gasped and the next thing he'd known, Derek's mouth was pressed up against him.

Derek's kissing me. I'm kissing Derek. Spencer couldn't think beyond that. He forgot they were in public at Zacharra's and the two of them absolutely _could not _kiss in public. He forgot Derek technically hadn't given him an answer. All Spencer had known was that Derek's mouth was on his and it was good, so very, very good.

Then it got better. There was pressure and heat and suddenly Derek's mouth had moved over his. Derek's tongue had ghosted its way over his lower lip, his teeth following suit. Derek had nipped gently and then coaxed Spencer's mouth open. Spencer had felt like he was sinking into layer after layer of soft, warm fog. Kissing Lila, he thought, was _nothing_ like this. Kissing Derek is all consuming and Spencer wasn't sure he'd ever recover if they stopped now. He felt Derek's tongue and chased it, tasting it, teasing it. Spencer had wanted to pour all his years of hoping, wishing, wanting and waiting on Derek into that kiss. He had wanted to make Derek feel, make Derek want, make Derek need the way he'd been for so long. Spencer felt the kiss deepen and realized that Derek needed. He wanted. He was hoping and wishing and it was more than Spencer had ever dared to dream.

Derek stopped their kiss and Spencer had taken a shaky breath and tried to focus on something to get himself back under control.

"That answer your question Pretty Boy?"

Spencer had thought about it. He had run a hand through his hair and thought about what he wanted, and what he needed.

"I…I..I think so but…" Spencer had struggled to find his voice and to find the right words. He settled for simply telling the truth. "I get it. But Derek…I need to hear you say it. And I need to know what it means." Finish Spencer, he had told himself. You have to finish. "If it means anything at all." It was spoken in a whisper, but it was spoken. And Spencer had known Derek had heard him.

"You need the words?" Derek had said, taking his hands and framing Spencer's face, touching their foreheads together.

_YES_ Spencer's soul has whispered, _yes I need the words._

Derek was speaking. "I wanted, I _want_ to be with you tonight Spencer. And you, you don't need to be wasting your time with some guy who can't possibly understand how special you truly are. Pretty Boy…Spencer, tonight _you_ need to be with _me." _Derek had kissed him on the forehead then and Spencer had melted.

Spencer had listened. He had heard what Derek said, but the hell of being a profiler and knowing Derek as well as he did meant that he had also heard what Derek _hadn't _said. Derek had said he wanted Spencer tonight, but hadn't mentioned beyond that. That wasn't enough for Spencer. He needed more, and in some tiny piece of him that hadn't been touched by abandonment or bullies, insecurity, dilaudid, or the fear that one day his own mind may turn against him, Spencer knew he _deserved _more.

Spencer looked at Derek. He had seen the sincerity, the desire, the want. He let the penny drop. "What about after tonight?" Spencer needed to know. As much as his body had been screaming for him to just take Derek home, Spencer needed to ask, needed to know.

Derek had been quiet. Spencer had feared he'd gone too far and Derek was about to tell him he wasn't any different from anyone else. That if Spencer needed more Derek could find someone who didn't. Spencer felt a hole form in his heart in the time it took Derek to answer.

"I won't lie to you Spencer. I can't make you any promises and I don't know where we'll go from here." Derek had kissed him and the hole started to close up a bit. "But I know that I care for you. I know that I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone and I know that I would never hurt you on purpose. If you're willing to take the chance and see where this goes-no strings, no pressure, just two people enjoying each other's company and letting things develop between them, if you're willing to step out of your comfort zone…then so am I."

Spencer had stopped then, he had to stop and think. It hadn't exactly been what Spencer wanted to hear but it was real and it was honest and it was Derek laying his soul bare to Spencer and trusting that it wouldn't be trampled. Part of Spencer had wanted to throw caution to the wind and just _go, _tomorrow be damned. But the other part of Spencer, that part of him that was always going to be ten years old watching his father walk away from him made him pause and made him be honest. Brutally honest . This was Derek Morgan. Derek the emotionally unavailable, undisputed King of the One Night Stand. Derek who was so afraid of being hurt that he put a wall that gave Spencer's a run for its money. This was Derek who had just said he couldn't make promises and didn't want strings. Spencer was a Vegas boy; he knew he should calculate the odds and make the safe bet.

But Spencer couldn't do that. Because this was Derek Morgan. Derek the guy who held Spencer while he shivered and shook through the worst of his withdrawals. This was Derek; the guy who let Spencer put his arms around him and hold him while he finally opened up about Carl Buford. This was Derek, who Spencer had seen at his lowest and who had seen Spencer hit rock bottom and then keep going. This was Derek and this was worth it.

The hole closed up. Spencer had risen, held out his hand and told Derek they could be at his place in five minutes-and in his bed in ten. Then Spencer had followed Derek out into the cool air and into the unknown for the second time that night.


	5. Love Sex Pain

**A/N Warning contains m/m slash and a case of the sad. Sorry for the delay in updating, this chapter was a struggle to write, and editing was a difficult too so I hope it came out ok.**

**Chapter 4. Sex Love Pain**

Derek walked into the break room and opened the refrigerator to retrieve the protein shake he'd left there for his mid morning snack. As he rummaged around with his head in the fridge and his body obscured by the open door, he was completely hidden from view.

Spencer needed coffee and he needed it bad enough to brave the swill that masqueraded as coffee in the break room and chance running into Derek. He stuck his head in the door and took a precautionary look around. When he didn't see Derek he breathed a sigh of relief and just as he was thanking his lucky stars, the refrigerator door closed and Spencer found himself face to face with the one person he'd been trying to avoid.

They locked eyes. An eternity seemed to pass as the silence stretched out between them. Derek was in shock. He'd been trying all morning to formulate some type of plan that would afford him the opportunity to talk to Spencer and now that he had it, he didn't even know how to begin to say what he wanted to say.

Spencer had instantly frozen, surprise and panic rooting him to the spot where he stood. He'd spent all morning avoiding Derek, refusing to even look at him. Spencer's mouth went dry and his heart hammered in his chest. Spencer took a step back, preparing to make a run for the door, when Derek's arm shot out and grabbed him by the wrist.

The beginnings of Spencer's retreat had snapped Derek out of his stupor and into action. There was no way he was going to let Spencer get away now that he had him alone. "Spencer, I know this isn't the time and place for this, but we need to talk. You can't avoid me forever and-"

Laughter coming through the break room door broke the moment. Andrew Morrison and Daniel Kim, two agents from the White Collar division, came into view. Derek dropped his hold on Spencer's wrist and Spencer seized the opportunity to create a safe distance between them.

"…I tell you man it was, by far, the best I ever had. Rocked my world." Morrison was gloating about his date the previous evening. He stopped speaking when he saw Derek and Spencer standing by the coffee pot and grinned. "Morgan! Reid! How's it going guys? I was just telling Kim here about my date last night. " Morrison muscled his way between Spencer and Derek, and poured himself a cup of coffee before continuing, "My cousin set me up with her, said I needed to date a "nice girl." Chicks a librarian, I was expecting miss prim and proper and I ended up with miss down and dirty." Kim laughed and Morrison continued, oblivious to Spencer edging his way toward the door and Derek shooting daggers at him.

Spencer took a couple of more steps towards freedom and Derek stifled the urge to tackle him to keep him from leaving. "I swear I think I just banged my future wife," Morrison said, misreading Derek's look of frustration for one of incredulity. "What? Okay, that may have been over the top. But I'm serious man, chick was amazing and it was just the first time. Have you ever had the first time you were with someone be so epic that it blew your mind and filled you anticipation cause you knew it would only get better?" The man didn't wait for Derek's answer. He grabbed sugar packets for his coffee and he and Kim left, Morrison explaining in explicit detail just how flexible his date had been.

Spencer couldn't move, he could barely breathe. While Morrison had been talking he had almost made it to the door but stopped when he heard his last words. He looked down at the familiar logo of the cup in his hand and then back up to meet Derek's eyes.

Derek had suppressed the urge to punch Morrison when he saw that the man's sophomoric bragging about getting laid had given Spencer an escape route. But as he let the last words the man had said creep into his consciousness, he couldn't help but remember that first night with Spencer. He looked over at Spencer and could tell by the look in his lover's eyes that Spencer was remembering too.

* * *

The drive to Spencer's apartment had only taken them three and a half minutes. Three and a half minutes during which Spencer's anxiety had grown right along with his desire. Spencer felt overwhelmed. In the past, whenever his emotions had gotten to the point where they were too big and too much for him to process Spencer would cope by turning on his intellect and retreating into the safety of logic and reason. He would rattle off facts and spout statistics because he knew no matter how obscure or seemingly random what he said may be, it would never be wrong. _He _wouldn't be wrong. Spencer had discovered early on his childhood that he could trust his intellect, but going with his emotions would almost always put him on the road to ruin. And right now, he might very well be traveling that road with Derek in tow.

He looked over at Derek and saw the other man seemed to thinking some deep thoughts as well. Spencer was suddenly slammed with insecurity. He worried that Derek had come to senses and realized just who he was going home with. That he'd suddenly realized he had been planning to have sex with a gangly, pale, nerdy, nearly 30 year old who was still afraid of the dark. Spencer was afraid Derek felt trapped now and was playing along so he didn't hurt Spencer's feelings. Spencer felt he owed it to him to give Derek an out. They reached Spencer's complex and Derek pulled into the parking lot. Spencer knew it was now or never. He took a deep breath and decided to do the right thing no matter how much it hurt.

"Derek," Spencer started to speak then stopped. He was afraid to both finish and not finish what he was trying to say.

Derek had spent the past three and half minutes thinking of nothing but Spencer and whether or not he was doing the best thing for him. Derek was conflicted. He'd spent years wanting Spencer, watching him, coming up with excuses to touch him, teasing him, protecting him and now that the wanting was coming to an end, Derek was uncharacteristically nervous.

Derek had kept his eyes on the road, but his thoughts were only of Spencer and the evening ahead. Derek tried to pinpoint why his nerves were on edge. He realized it wasn't the physical aspect of things, it was the emotional ramifications of the evening that were throwing him for a loop.

Derek realized he'd never been as emotionally involved with any of his bedmates as he was with Spencer. Derek wanted Spencer, more than he'd ever wanted anyone, but Derek's fierce protective streak when it came to the young doctor extended even to himself. He was agonizing over whether he was being too selfish, and moving too quickly. The last thing Derek wanted was to push Spencer into doing something he wasn't really ready for.

Derek pulled into the parking lot, and just as he was about to give Spencer an out, Spencer turned to him and started to speak.

"Derek-" Spencer started, and then stopped. Derek took a close look at Spencer and saw the fear and insecurity in his eyes and thought that Spencer was trying to find a way to tell him he didn't want this, didn't want Derek. The idea that he was causing Spencer distress outweighed the hurt he felt at being rejected and Derek decided to throw Spencer a lifeline.

"Pretty Boy its ok, you don't have to say it." Derek cut in; He gently cupped Spencer's face. "I moved too fast, pushed you too far . It's ok. We don't have to do anything tonight, or any other night that you don't want. I'm sorry that I pushed you, I'm sorry that I made you uncomfortable and I'm sorry that I let what I wanted be more important than what you needed, " Derek paused, seeing that Spencer's eyes had become the size of saucers. "Spencer, baby, it's ok," Derek soothed. "I'm not upset, you didn't do anything wrong, we're ok. We're still friends, you still got me. We can act like tonight never happened and -"

"NO!" Spencer's mind had been racing at warp speed but his mouth had refused to move, refused to stop the words tumbling from Derek's lips until Derek said they could pretend nothing had ever happened. Spencer knew logically it was impossible, but he felt like he might actually die if he and Derek pretended the things they'd said and the time they'd shared tonight didn't happen.

'I don't want to forget it . I don't want _you_ to forget it." Spencer said vehemently, emotion giving his voice a bit more desperation than he'd like. "You didn't.. I'm not…this isn't…" Spencer was sputtering, "Derek, I want this. I want you. I thought you didn't, not with me anyway and that's… I-I- Its ok though if you don't want this, I mean, "Spencer had to close his eyes or he'd never be able to finish, "I I know I'm not uh, ah, the most attractive of the male species and you are probably used to a, um..higher standard of partner. Did you know, psychological studies have suggested that people generally choose mates with a similar level of attractiveness as themselves?. Given the fact that you yourself are exceptionally attractive and have quite an impressive physique, evolutionary theory would suggest that you subconsciously seek out mates with similar desirable characteristics in an effort to ensure the passing on and conservation of your genes-"

"Spencer." Derek couldn't believe what he was hearing. Spencer thought Derek was doing this because he felt sorry for him? That he didn't want him? Derek laughed out loud as he processed Spencer's last ramble. " Kid, I'm not sure if I should take it as a compliment that you find me exceptionally attractive or be insulted that you think I'm so shallow that I choose my, as you put it, mates based on a belief that my genes simply must be passed on."

"What? I didn't mean it like that. It's not an insult. Its basic evolutionary theory. While social and cultural influences and expectations play a part, -"

"Spencer." Derek cut in. "I understand basic evolutionary theory." Derek leaned over the middle console and gently kissed Spencer. "What I don't understand is why we're still sitting here, when we'd both rather be upstairs in your apartment. In your bed." He growled against the side of Spencer's mouth before kissing him again.

Between Derek's words and kisses, Spencer felt his fears and insecurities recede into the background. They didn't dissipate completely, but they were being dwarfed by his rapidly growing desire. Spencer reached out and grabbed a handful of Derek's shirt, pulling him closer and reveling in the sensation of Derek's mouth on his.

Spencer's tongue licked into Derek's mouth and he moaned low in the back of his throat. Spencer loosened his hold on Derek's shirt, choosing instead to slide his hands up over Derek's chest until they curled around the back of Derek's head. Spencer tried to pull Derek even closer, when Derek broke their kiss.

"Mmph. Derek, please. I want-"Spencer was desperate at the loss of contact. He wanted Derek to keep kissing him and to do…other things to him.

Derek chuckled as he traced a finger along Spencer's jaw line. "Down Pretty Boy. I know what you want and trust me I intend to give it to you." He pressed a kiss onto Spencer's lips. "Just not in the front seat of my car." He teased.

Spencer blushed but cheekily replied, "What about the backseat?" He laughed then, because as new as the kissing and the touching and whatever will come later is, this teasing banter back and forth was _them _and it was comfortable, familiar and safe.

Derek laughed. "Get out the car smart ass."

The pair exited the car and Spencer enterered the code to buzz them into his building. They made their way through the courtyard laughing, joking, kissing, teasing and touching one another, mixing the old and new elements of their relationship. They reached Spencer's door and he fumbled trying to get his key into the lock. Derek laughed because it was so adorably _Spencer_. He kisseed Spencer's neck then turned Spencer around and pressed him up against the front door.

The kiss was slow and sweet, and sent a trail of fire through Spencer's veins. Spencer's hands found their way to Derek's waist and pulled him in closer. Derek pressed his full weight against Spencer, keeping Spencer trapped between his form and the door. Derek traced his thumb along Spencer's bottom lip as Spencer stared up at him with his pupils blown and his lips parted in a silent _oh_

Spencer felt a flood of heat go through him. He smiled shyly at Derek. Derek stepped away so Spencer could open the door. Spencer hesitated for just a second, because for him he was opening the door to more than just his home and he had to be sure he was really ready to let Derek in. When he realized he'd already let Derek in years ago, he turned the knob and pushed it open.

Once inside, Spencer had half expected Derek to push him back up against the door, forceful and demanding. Instead, Derek had gently encircled Spencer in his arms and pulled him back against his chest. He let his breath ghost over the delicate skin on Spencer's neck and deposited a gentle kiss to the sensitive spot under Spencer's ear. "God baby, you don't even know, do you?" Derek murmured as he drew Spencer closer to him. Spencer's head dropped back and Derek took advantage by trailing kisses along the newly exposed skin on his neck, suckling and nipping until Spencer gave a tiny whimper of pleasure. Derek's hands began to move, gliding across Spencer's body, running up and down Spencer's sides, over his stomach, flitting across his chest. He gently gripped Spencer's hip with one hand, slid the other around to the front of his pants, and softly tugged his shirt free.

Spencer was sure that if it weren't for Derek standing behind him holding him up that he'd had sunk into a heap on his living floor. His breathing sped up and he'd gaspsed when he felt Derek's fingers on the hem of his shirt and then slowly begin to undo the buttons. Spencer vaguely registered the cool air wafting across his skin because he was too busy focusing on the burning heat he was feeling from Derek's hand moving across his stomach and up to his chest. Derek went slowly and Spencer knew it was because he was trying to give Spencer time to change his mind, but that's the last thing Spencer wanted to do so he pushed himself back against Derek, grinding into him just a bit, hoping to encourage Derek to move faster.

When Derek felt Spencer press back against him he groaned out the breath he'd been holding. "You feel so good. Skins so soft, " Derek had breathed into Spencer's ear. "You don't know how long I've waited for you." He gently turned Spencer in the circle of his arms so that they were facing each other, looking into one another's eyes.

"You don't have to wait anymore. I'm yours Derek, " Spencer had said as he took one graceful finger and traced the outline of Derek's lips, "I've wanted to be yours for a long time now. In fact, I have been yours. You just didn't know it, you just never claimed me."

The honesty, openness and innocence in Spencer's eyes had sent a current of arousal down Derek's spine that spread throughout his body and landed in his groin. Derek thought back to the white hot jealousy that coursed through him earlier in the evening when he'd seen Spencer with someone else. He decided to return Spencer's honesty. "I claimed you a long time ago Spencer, _you _just didn't know it. " Derek whispered, as he seized Spencer's mouth in a fiery kiss.

Their kiss was a perfect mingling of the two of them; Derek was passion and smoothness while Spencer was eagerness and heat. They traded kisses back and forth feeding the fire between them until their lips were bruised, cheeks were flushed and they were both hard and aching with need.

"Spencer," Derek had asked, in between kisses, "I need to know that you're sure about this." The _about me _remained unspoken.

"Derek," Spencer briefly wondered when they'd become Derek and Spencer and not Reid and Morgan, "I know this is," _potentially a huge heartbreak, potentially career suicide, potentially the best thing that ever happened to me _"moving fast by some standards, but I've been wanting you, waiting for this for years so…I'm sure. I want you," Spencer slipped a hand under Derek's shirt, pushing the fabric up and off, "I've never wanted anything more." Spencer had whispered.

Spencer drank in the sight of Derek, smooth dark skin punctuated with swirls of ink: a lion on his right shoulder, initials on his left arm. He ran his hands up across the sculpted abs, over Derek's chest, down his arms and sighed. "Did you know," Spencer began and Derek steeled himself to learn some random fact about tattoos or pectoral muscles, "that I've been fantasizing about you since the first moment I saw you?"

Spencer's confession sent off a wave of lust in Derek. He pushed Spencer's shirt off his shoulders and revealed the soft, milky skin taunt against sinewy muscle underneath. Derek had let his hands wander over Spencer's chest, brushing sensitive nipples and eliciting a shiver of pleasure from his new lover. He nipped at Spencer's collar bone and then turned his attention to his neck, licking, sucking and biting until Spencer had dug his fingers into Derek's shoulders and Derek was satisfied he'd left a mark.

Derek knew Spencer hadn't actually had sex, but he was unsure of just what he _had_ done and he felt like he needed to know. "Spencer, how much of your fantasies have you turned into realities?" Derek murmured.

It takes Spencer a moment to understand the question. "I haven't ever..ah, um, had intercourse," Spencer started, so shy and hesitant it made Derek's heart turn over, "but I've had um, _experiences, _you know, ah, oral and uh, um…frottage." By this time Spencer was torn between desire and embarrassment. Derek helped him make up his mind by licking a sinful stripe across his throat. "Derek, please…" Spencer begged, for what he wasn't quite sure but he knew that he needed more, wanted more of what Derek was doing to him. He reached for Derek's belt and felt Derek's hand close over his, stopping him.

"Bedroom." Derek half asked, half demanded when he felt Spencer start to go for his belt. He was slightly disappointed that Spencer wasn't completely untouched, but he's also determined to put any other sexual experience Spencer has had to shame. He didn't want to think about just who Spencer may have had those experiences with, and was once again a little surprised by the wave of jealousy and possession that went through him at the thought of someone else touching Spencer. He shut off that part of his brain and started walking Spencer backwards, kissing him, thanking God that he'd spent enough time in the kid's place to know the lay of the land.

When they reachrd the bedroom Spencer automatically reached for the light, but once again Derek closes his hand over his. "No lights." Derek knew Spencer's body confidence isn't that high and he thought light would only serve to distract him, and highlight the differences between his and Derek's frames and the last thing Derek wanted is for Spencer to have a moment of doubt or insecurity. "Trust me baby. You don't need to see, you just need to feel." Spencer gave a shaky nod and Derek claimed his mouth again, kissing his lips and moving closer so that the hardness of his erection pressed against Spencer.

Spencer felt Derek's erection against his hip and responded by pushing his own hardness against Derek. The pair toe off their shoes and socks, and Spencer was surprised they managed to accomplish that and keep kissing at the same time. He felt himself being edged toward the bed and then suddenly he was being guided _onto _the bed, Derek was lowering himself on top of him and Derek's mouth was _everywhere_, kissing him breathless, sucking on the base of his neck, licking his nipples, swirling his tongue into his bellybutton. "Raise up baby" he heard the command/request through a haze but Spencer complied and raised his hips off the bed. Derek slid Spencer's pants and boxers down over his hips and off his body. Spencer took that as a sign and started to tug at Derek's belt again.

Derek felt Spencer's fumbling, his heat and his desperation and moaned into Spencer's mouth. He kissed Spencer deeply, and as the other man closed his eyes Derek undid his belt, quickly stripped and surreptitiously removed a small bottle of lube and a condom from his pants pocket, and tossed them onto a corner of the bed. Derek took a hand and slid it down Spencer's body, wrapping his fingers around Spencer's erection.

Spencer arched up into the gentle touch . He mimics Derek's actions, slipping a hand in between their bodies to tease and stroke Derek, enjoying the smooth hardness. Spencer ran a thumb over the head of Derek's cock and felt a tiny spot of wetness there and was awed that he was why Derek was hot and hard, making those noises and thrusting into his fist.

Derek felt the pleasure burning and the pressure building as he thrust into Spencer's hand. He flicked his tongue over Spencer's nipples, swirled it around in his belly button and licked his way down the fine wisps of hair that made up his happy trail. Derek felt himself getting close to the edge and could tell by the moans and whimpers coming from the other man that Spencer was just as close to losing control as Derek was. Derek knew that if he lets them they could come like that, surrounded by each other, buried in the sounds and tastes and feel of one another, but he wanted Spencer, _all _of Spencer and as good as it felt just then he knew he could make them both feel better.

"I want you baby." Derek said, because he knew that Spencer needs the words, needs to hear how much he's wanted and how gorgeous, incredible, _sexy_ Derek thinks he is. "You are so damn amazing baby."

"Mmm..no you are." Spencer said, as he looked up at Derek looming over him. He idly traced the lion etched onto Derek's shoulder, and thought how fitting it was for Derek to have a lion as a symbol. "You're like this lion," Spencer breathed, "fierce, strong, majestic, protective, and a bit dangerous. Beautiful and graceful, born to lead."

"You see all that in me?" Derek was humbled. He couldn't keep the vulnerability out of his voice and couldn't quite figure out how, for all his planning and experience, _he _had been the one being seduced.

"You don't?" Spencer looked up at Derek with wonder. He sometimes forgot that Derek had his own scars, his own reasons to need reassurance. "Derek, you're so good. So brave. Intelligent, compassionate, loyal. I..I see people watching you and I think to myself, that they don't really see _you. _They see all this," Spencer made a sweeping motion indicating Derek's body, "but that's just..you're so much more. " Spencer cupped Derek's face with his hands. "You're the best man I know. The best man I've _ever_ known and I can't believe that you would ever even look at me, let alone want me and-"

Derek's emotions had already had him teetering on the brink and Spencer's heartfelt declaration had just pushed him over. He claimed Spencer's mouth once more, this time lacing the kiss with all the things he didn't know how to say and all the promises he wasn't sure he was ready to make. "Spencer, I need you now babe."

Spencer went weak when he heard Derek's words. Derek _needs _him. Even in his state of arousal the profiler in him couldn't help latch onto that word. Not want, not desire, but need. It made Spencer hope, and erased any lingering doubts Spencer had about being here, like this, with Derek.

"Pretty Boy," Derek sighed against Spencer's temple. "You're so beautiful. So sexy and all mine." He stretched himself out over Spencer and kissed him.

Spencer tugged Derek tighter against him, writhing against him, rocking their hips together. His fingers slid across Derek's shoulders and down to the small of his back. "All yours, only yours." Spencer moaned.

Derek moved his hand down the length of Spencer's body, and curled it under his thigh. He guided one leg over his hip and settled in the space between. Derek traced his tongue along Spencer's ear and neck, whispering endearments and telling Spencer of all the ways he was planning to please him.

Spencer drew in a sharp breath as he took in Derek's words and the feel of Derek's body on top of his and the hope that he would very soon be _inside _of him. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to relax.

"Trust me Spencer." Derek placed butterfly kisses on each eyelid. "All I want is to make you feel good. I won't hurt you Spencer." Derek wasn't sure if that last bit was true, he knew Spencer was safe with him in bed, but out of it, Derek was scared he was making a promise he couldn't keep.

Spencer slowly opened his eyes and thrust up against Derek, desperately seeking to release some of the pressure of his erection, "I..t-trust you Derek." Spencer knew he was vulnerable, emotionally and physically, to Derek but he trusted him not to hurt him.

That was all the encouragement Derek needed. He blindly reached back, groping until his fingers closed around the lube. He flicked the cap open and poured a liberal amount over his fingers. He placed one hand around Spencer's erection, stroking him, hoping that the pleasure would provide a suitable distraction from what was about to come.

Spencer was being overloaded by sensations he hadn't felt before. He felt one of Derek's fingers slip past his entrance and he held his breath. "Breathe" he heard Derek whisper so he drew in a ragged breath and forced his muscles to relax. Spencer felt just a bit of a burn where Derek's finger was stretching him as it slid in deeper. The burn faded, and Derek added a second finger.

Derek pressed both fingers into Spencer's body and feels him tighten and then relax slowly as Derek's fingers curl inward, brushing against Spencer's prostate. He strokes Spencer's cock in rhythm with the slip and slide of his fingers and Spencer's moaning and writhing under him. Derek adds a third finger and Spencer's moans turned into near screams and Derek knews that Spencer was as ready as he was going to be. He drew his fingers out and knelt over Spencer rolling a condom onto his arousal, drinking in the sight of Spencer laid out under him, innocent, vulnerable, completely debauched and trusting Derek to take care of him.

"I want you so much, need you so much." Derek whispered, slicking himself and waiting for Spencer to give him a sign that he's ready, that he wants this as badly as Derek does.

"I want you too, please Derek, and please just fuck me." Spencer begged, eyes closed, fists closed around the sheets.

Spencer's begging made Derek come undone. He placed himself at Spencer's entrance and grabbed a handful of Spencer's hair. "Open your eyes Spencer. I want you to look at me." Spencer peeked at Derek from beneath his lashes, but Derek wasn't letting him get away with that. He pulled on Spencer's hair, forcing him to open his eyes completely.

They made eye contact and Derek slowly entered him, making Spencer his degree by breathtaking degree. The pulsing heat that surrounds him sends shockwaves of lust rolling through his body and it took every ounce of willpower Derek had to hold himself still and give Spencer time to adjust.

Spencer drew in a ragged breath and then forced it out. Derek is inside him, thick, hard and it's almost more than Spencer can handle. Almost, because even though it hurts, there's pleasure right underneath and the pain is starting to subside and all Spencer could think is he wanted _more _and he needed Derek to _move._

"Derek!" Spencer choked out, squeezing Derek's hips and thrusting upwards, trying to use his body to say what he can't find the words for.

That cry of pleasure broke the reins Derek had been holding on his self control. Derek's hips rolled, pushing forward then dragging his cock back out of Spencer's body. He set up a steady rhythm of hard, deep thrusts and slow withdrawals that had the mattress creaking under them and the headboard hitting the wall behind them. Spencer was moaning, panting, dragging his nails across Derek's back, biting into his shoulder, and rocking up against Derek, holding onto him like he'd never let him go. Derek kissed him, a hard, bruising, claiming kiss and leaned back onto his knees. Derek pulled out and pushed back into the velvet heat, hands roaming all over Spencer's body, pulling his hair, stroking his cock, all the while whispering encouragement to Spencer; "you're so tight, feels so good."

Spencer had been completely overwhelmed by Derek. Derek had been on top of him, inside of him, pinning him to the mattress and whispering in his ear. He filled up by and surrounded by Derek and Spencer still couldn't get enough. He was writhing beneath him with no shame at all, incoherently babbling his want and need for the older man. He met Derek thrust for thrust, wrapped his legs around his waist and pulled him deeper into his body. _I'm finally having sex. Really, really good sex. I'm finally having really really good sex with Derek. _The thought slammed into Spencer and he grabbed Derek's shoulders and held on. "Don't stop. Oh Derek, please, please don't stop. Please, please just fuck me, please."

The dirty words from someone as innocent as Spencer made Derek sink further into the pit of debauchery. Derek changed the angle of his thrust and sank back into Spencer, pushing, grinding, and driving them both toward release. He pounded into Spencer, and they moved together, each one pushing the other ever closer to the edge. Derek's hips rocketed back and forth, his grip bruising Spencer as he held him in place. Spencer took every inch, every rough thrust and still begged for Derek to go _harder, faster, deeper_. Derek tightened his grip around Spencer's cock and squeezed. The dual sensations of Derek inside of him and the hand job he was getting sent Spencer spiraling over the edge. Spencer's entire body tensed and his muscles seized as his orgasm rippled through him, spilling out liquid heat. Derek followed Spencer into oblivion, riding out the wave of his orgasm buried deep inside his lover as he called out his name.

Derek pulled out of Spencer, disposed of the condom and collapsed beside him on the bed. He drew Spencer into the circle of his arms and ran his hands through his sweat slicked hair, and up and down his spine, soothing him, telling him how good it was and how much he can't wait to do it again and _thanking_ him. This was new to Derek, he'd never felt like this after sex, this need to _touch _and _hold_ and _reassure_ his partner. Derek's sated more than he can ever remember being, but all his focus and concern is still on Spencer. "Spencer," he breathed, "Talk to me. What's going on in that head of yours? You ok Pretty Boy?"

"I'm…" Spencer didn't know quite how to answer. Okay seemed like such an understatement. "I'm wonderful." He answered honestly, snuggling into Derek's arms, feeling his lids droop and his limbs go heavy. Spencer was surprised he didn't feel uncomfortable or awkward. What hefelt safe and wanted and maybe, _maybe_ if he looked closely and squinted, he felt loved.

Derek felt Spencer start to go slack against him and chuckled. "Come on Pretty Boy, we gotta get in the shower.

Spencer was satisfied and comfortable and didn't want to move. "Later," he says hoping to stall Derek.

"No now." Derek kissed Spencer and began pulling up off the bed and towards the shower. "Gotta get you all clean so I can get you dirty again."

Suddenly Spencer was the one pulling them toward the shower while Derek laughed.

* * *

Spencer broke eye contact and turned to leave the break room. The memories of that night were like salt in an open wound and Spencer couldn't take it.

"Spencer." Derek calls out to him and he goes stock still. He slowly turns around.

"Derek, I can't. I won't. Not now, especially not here-" Spencer tries to end the conversation before it can begin.

"I know. We can't talk here." Spencer visibly relaxes at Derek's words. "But we will talk. This isn't over. _We_ aren't over."

Derek bridges the gap between them so that he's face to face with Spencer. "We're _not _over," he repeats." I won't let us be."

Spencer closes his eyes as a fresh wave of pain rolls through him. _**Now **_Derek was willing to fight for them? Spencer forces a bitter laugh. Spencer turns his back on Derek and begins walk away. He stops, looks back over his shoulder and replies, "That's the problem Derek. It's always been about you. This time, for once, I'm making it about me."

Spencer leaves, ignoring the guilty look on Derek's face and the sound of his own heart breaking.


	6. Protect Me From What I Want

**A/N Thanks to everyone for reading and to those of you who have offered reviews thank you so much for your feedback and suggestions.**

**Couple of quick notes, the chapters are all going to be named after song titles or pieces of song lyrics and *most* of them will pertain to what's happening in the chapters. I usually use song lyrics for my status messages on social networks (lol I know not too original) so it seemed like a natural carry over when it came to titling the chapters.**

**This chapter kind of took me by surprise because I wasn't intending to go here, but my muse took over and this chapter kind of wrote itself. I'm trying not to go with the obvious though, so even if you don't like this development, hang in there because there is much more story coming.**

**Chapter 5. Protect Me from What I Want**

Aaron Hotchner was a man on fire. Actually, after the way he had just spoken to and then hung up on, Section Chief Erin Strauss, Aaron Hotchner was probably a man very close to _being_ fired. For what felt like the hundredth time that morning, Hotch looked out his office window and viewed the bullpen below.

Hotch was a man that valued control. As he studied his agents he had to concede that at this moment he had none. Something had happened between Morgan and Reid, something bad enough that it had followed them into the office, something bad enough that the two men weren't even attempting to pretend everything was fine. Hotch didn't need to know what that something was. The very fact that there was a _something_ in the first place was enough to raise his temper and yank on the reins of his self control.

He wanted to stride down to the bullpen and demand an explanation but knew that he couldn't. They were at work. He was, at the moment, not their friend but their boss and as their boss Aaron Hotchner Unit Chief was officially unaware of the relationship between his two subordinates. Unofficially, as both their friend and a profiler, Hotch had known from the moment that Morgan ambushed Reid at a team night out a few months back that there was something between the two men. Hotch had been less than enthusiastic about the prospect of Morgan and Reid taking their relationship beyond friendship and if he'd been able to break the vise-like grip of the young woman Rossi had turned loose on him, he would have, for lack of a better word, cock blocked Morgan.

Hotch usually left his agents to run their personal affairs any way they saw fit as long as it didn't carry over into the office, but this was different. This was _Reid_ and a romance between Reid and Morgan was likely to end in disaster and that would negatively affect the team. Hotch wished his opposition was strictly based on professional concern, but he was honest enough to admit he was also nursing a good deal of personal prejudice against the idea as well. It wasn't that he didn't want his agents, his friends, to be happy, if anyone deserved happiness it was the two of them. No, it wasn't that, it was that this was Reid, and he had his doubts that Morgan had it in him to understand just how much care he'd have to handle the young man with. He simply didn't trust Morgan with Reid's heart. As a friend, Hotch thought Reid could do no better than Morgan, but as a lover he had little doubt that Reid could have chosen worse.

Reid needed someone stable, reliable, emotionally available and patient enough to deal with the young man's insecurities and fear of abandonment without becoming frustrated or overwhelmed. Reid needed the comfort of knowing he was in a committed relationship and that reassuring him of that commitment wasn't a burden. Casual, no strings affairs were beyond the realm of his emotional capability and such an arrangement would only serve to reinforce his fear that he wasn't good enough for anyone to stick around for.

Morgan was Reid's emotional polar opposite. Where Reid sought attachment, Morgan sought space. The idea of relationships, commitment, and monogamy all scared the hell out him. He had been robbed of his innocence by someone he had opened his whole heart to after suffering a devastating loss, and the combined blow of those two experiences had left him loathe to put his trust and faith in another person again. Where Reid would look to his lover to ground him and provide him an emotional anchor, Morgan had a loving family that provided his sense of belonging making it easier for him to keep a lover at arm's length. Morgan needed his affairs to be casual because he feared not being able to the meet the emotional expectations of a steady lover and the letting down of his defenses and sharing things he'd long ago deemed private and personal. As friends, Morgan and Reid balanced each other out. As lovers, Hotch saw them going down in flames and taking their friendship and his team with them.

Hotch stared out the window and his eyes settled on Morgan. The man looked like someone had stolen his bike, kicked his dog, burned down all his flip properties and then Maury Povich had told him "You are NOT the father." Morgan was watching his co-workers, no correction, watching Reid with a look of longing, regret and purpose etched into his features. He looked tired, like he hadn't had a good night's sleep and his jaw was clenched shut.

To the untrained eye Derek Morgan was a sorry sight indeed. Hotch, however, did not have an untrained eye. He had the eye of a profiler and he saw Morgan a little differently. He saw Morgan's quiet devastation, but he also the resolve underneath. His jaw was clenched, but it was clenched in determination. He hadn't slept well, but his eyes were mostly clear. He appeared to have had a rough night, but not a more than one, two at the most. His clothes were, as usual, stylish and well kept. His beard was meticulous. Morgan was upset but not despondent. Morgan had the look of a man who had fucked up, but was absolutely determined to fix it. He was a man with hope and a purpose. He was a little worse for wear, but he wasn't at some emotional rock bottom.

Hotch next sought out Reid. To the untrained eye Reid appeared to be fine. Garcia had just dropped by his desk with a tin of homemade cookies and Reid was digging into them with child like abandon. Prentiss had risen from her desk and sneaked a hand into the tin to snatch a cookie, earning her a playful glower from Reid. Prentiss laughed and Reid offered her a smile, before turning back to his work, munching on a cookie. Yes to the untrained eye, Reid was fine.

Hotch knew better. He wasn't just a profiler, he was a damn good profiler, and what he saw when he looked at Reid had him worried enough to intervene.

The circles under the young man's eyes were darker than usual, almost looking like bruises. Reid had clearly missed more than one night of sleep. The anger that had fueled him for the first few hours of the morning had burned off and Reid was now running on empty. He had drawn into himself, knees tightly together, elbows locked at his side, hunched over his keyboard as he typed, his eyes never leaving the screen. He was almost shaking with the effort of holding himself so tightly and Hotch suspected that Reid's body language was an outward manifestation of his internal struggle to hold himself together. He'd taken the cookies when Garcia had given them to him, and immediately began to eat them in her presence, but once Garcia had gone back to lair he'd covered them up and pushed them to the far corner of his desk. He'd pretended to joke with Prentiss, but the smile he gave her didn't quite reach his eyes and he'd cut the contact off as soon as he could. Reid was on the edge and Hotch suspected a large part of it had to do with his forced proximity to Morgan.

Hotch glanced at his desk. There was a request for a consult from Maryland lying there. Hotch had planned on sending Rossi and Prentiss, but after surveying the scene in front of him he thought some space and distance would do Reid good. His eyes slid back over the young man. He couldn't send Reid with Rossi. Reid needed a safe, quiet place to put himself back together and Dave was simply not that guy. He'd probably get Reid drunk and try to pawn one of his "admirers" off on the sensitive young man. He couldn't send him with Prentiss because she would spend the entire time trying to get him to talk about whatever had happened with him and Morgan. JJ was needed at the office and he absolutely would not send him with Morgan. No, Hotch would take the consult and take Reid along with him.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Rossi's voice sounded from just inside the office door.

"I'd like to think they are worth significantly more." Hotch replied.

Rossi snorted. He walked over to where Hotch stood by the window and jerked his head at the bullpen. "It's one hell of a clusterfuck out there. " Rossi noted. Hotch nodded but said nothing. Rossi took another look at his old friend and followed his line of sight.

"Kids hanging by a thread." Rossi said.

"I know. He needs some space, some time to decompress." Hotch said.

"Sending him home for the day?" Rossi asked

"As much as I'd like to, no. He would take it as a slight against his professional ability," Hotch paused, debating whether or not to tell Rossi of his plans. "He does need a break though. I am going to take him with me on the Maryland consult." Hotch's face was a mask of neutrality.

"I was under the impression that you were sending Prentiss and me on that consult." Rossi kept his tone light, non accusatory.

"I changed my mind." Hotch was short, clipped and to the point. He offered no further explanation and his tone indicated further discussion of the topic would not be welcome.

Under normal circumstances Aaron taking Reid for a consult wouldn't send up red flags, but every one of Dave's instincts were screaming at him that this was a bad idea.

Even though they never spoke of it, he knew of his friend's attraction to the young doctor. Rossi had never seen it as cause for concern because Aaron was nothing if not the picture of propriety. He was Reid's boss and due to the potential power imbalance and fraternization rules, Rossi knew that Aaron would never act on his attraction, and Reid was oblivious to it. Under normal circumstances, Rossi wouldn't be concerned about the two of them alone together, wouldn't even question it. But these weren't normal circumstances. Right now Reid was the living embodiment of emotional devastation and he was even more vulnerable and defenseless than normal.

And then there was Aaron, who had been trying to claw his way back to level ground since George Foyet had invaded his life, changing it forever. The two of them, spending any extended time alone in their current states was a bad idea. It was an ill advised rebound waiting to happen. Aaron was shaky and his natural impulse to protect and save, his attraction to Reid and his desperation for something in his life that didn't have the shadow of George Foyet cast over it, coupled with Reid's compromised emotional state and his hero worship of Aaron, was a recipe for disaster.

Dave let his eyes flick over Morgan, noticing that he was watching Reid with the type of longing and intensity that only a contrite lover can. If there was even a hint of anything developing between Reid and Aaron Morgan would come unglued and they'd be talking about the time two agents beat each other to death in the middle of the BAU bullpen for years to come. And they'd probably expect Dave to step in as Unit Chief and _shit_ he'd retire again first.

Dave sighed. There was time when he'd thought Reid and Aaron might have been a good thing, even flirted with encouraging Aaron to pursue the kid, but that was before. Before Foyet, before Morgan and Reid became lovers, before Reid and Aaron would do each other more harm than good. Now Dave was spending his time doing everything in his power to turn Aaron's attention away from Reid, right down to throwing nubile co-eds and star struck FBI groupies at him.

Dave took another look at Reid, Morgan and Aaron and wondered if it was too early in the day for a drink. He pulled out his best negotiator tone and began, "Aaron-"

"Dave, let it be." Hotch ground out the terse warning.

Rossi knew he was standing on an emotional landmine. In all the years the two men had been friends this was the one thing they could not talk about. They could talk about heir failed marriages, they could talk about Jason Gideon, Jack, their childhoods, the nightmares that come with the job, even Foyet, but Reid, more specifically what Aaron felt about Reid, had been strictly off limits.

_Fuck. _Rossi tried again, "The kid's not in any shape to -"

"I said leave it." Hotch was almost growling now.

Rossi figured if he were gonna go out, Aaron throwing him through a plate glass window, over the railing and into the bullpen below was as good a way as any. He bit the bullet. "Aaron, making a play for that kid now is akin to sleeping with the widow at the funeral. Besides that, Morgan-"

"Morgan is the _fucking idiot_ who put _that look_" Hotch spat, gesturing at Reid, "On his face. I warned him Dave. He _promised _me." Hotch's famed control had all but evaporated, "We talked man to man. He knew. He fucking knew. He knew how I-" Hotch stopped, not willing to confirm what Dave knew to be true. "I warned him what would happen if he hurt him, if it ended. He looked me in the eye and he swore to me that wouldn't happen. He swore to me he knew what he had, that he would protect him, keep him safe, treat him the way he deserved to be treated. He looked me in the eye and he promised me _that_" Hotch gestured again at Reid, "would not happen. So Morgan can kiss my-"

"Aaron!" Rossi cut him off. He spread his hands out and attempted to talk Hotch down off the emotional ledge. He knew Hotch hadn't been happy when Reid and Morgan began their relationship but he'd had no clue the two alpha males had sat down and had a conversation about their respective feelings for Reid. "Look, we don't even know what happened. Maybe it was Reid who messed up," Hotch snorted. Rossi continued as he didn't hear him, "But Aaron, you can't do this. You aren't ready. Reid isn't ready. And Morgan, idiot or not, is your friend. Think of the team Aaron. You start something up with the kid now and Morgan will go off the rails and all hell will-"

"I'm not Morgan." Hotch stopped Rossi. "I'm not a fucking idiot. I know that Spenc- that Reid isn't an option right now. "

Rossi noted that Hotch had almost used Reid's first name and was no longer denying his feelings for him and no longer speaking about him like he and Aaron would never be. Rossi was going to be needing that drink, hour be damned. Maybe he could get Prentiss to join him.

"I'm not taking him out of town to seduce him Dave. I'm simply trying to diffuse the situation. Right now everyone is on edge. Reid being gone for a couple of days stops the team from speculating about the two of them, it gives Morgan some time to figure out what, if anything, he's going to do to fix things and it gives Spen- Reid some time and space to lick his wounds with a modicum of privacy." Hotch had slipped his mask of neutrality back on. He'd reined himself in and once again was a master of control. If Dave hadn't known him better he might have believed him.

Dave gave his friend a long look as he moved to the door. "That sounds reasonable Aaron. I notice you've covered almost every base, save one: What about you Aaron? You told me what the team gets out of this, what Reid gets out of this and what Morgan gets out of this, but what do you get out of this? And what are you hoping to get out of this? Be honest with yourself, even if you won't be honest with me." Rossi quietly shut the door.

Hotch turned back to the window and looked at Reid. Hotch told himself he wasn't going after Reid, that he wouldn't go after Reid. He was strong enough to control himself in that regard. But if Spencer ever came to him, Hotch knew that he wouldn't have the strength to turn him away.

Hotch walked out of his office and up to the landing and stopped. He could either continue down the hall to Rossi's office, and tell his friend that he had decided to hand the consult over to him and Prentiss, or he could go down the stairs and tell Reid to grab his go bag. Hotch knew what the right thing to do was, he was a man who'd spent his entire life doing the right thing. Hotch had done the right thing, the proper thing, when it came to Spencer under the impression that it was the best thing for the young man. For all his trouble, for all his pain, for all his sacrifice, Spencer had ended up being hurt somehow and now looked like the walking wounded. Hotch decided that it was time to do the wrong thing.

Rossi walked back out of his office. He saw Hotch standing on the landing looking at Reid. He cleared his throat and he and Hotch made eye contact. Hotch took on a slightly defiant stance, squaring his shoulders and silently daring Rossi to comment. Rossi gave a slight shrug. He'd said his piece.

Seeing that his friend was going to respect his decision even if he didn't agree with it, Hotch walked down the landing and over to Spencer's desk. "Reid," He said softly, getting Spencer's attention. "Sorry for the short notice, but there's a request for a consult out of Maryland. Take the rest of the day off to ready your affairs. Since its such a short distance we're going to be signing out a Bureau SUV and driving in."

Reid nodded his agreement, gathered his case files and began readying himself to leave. On his way back up the landing, Hotch made eye contact with Morgan. The stare down between the two men was as good as a declaration of war. Hotch turned his back on Morgan, walked up the landing and into his office closing the door behind him. Morgan got up and strode down the hall in the direction of Garcia's lair. Reid made his way to the elevator, eyes down completely oblivious to the drama playing out behind him. Prentiss inched towards the cookies Reid had forgotten on his desk, and Rossi went back into his office, closed the door and braced for impact.


	7. Don't Mess With My Man

**A/N I am overwhelmed by the reviews and the response that I'm getting. Thank you guys so much for the encouragement, suggestions and feedback. It's so appreciated.**

**I know not everyone was thrilled with the direction of the last chapter, but I don't think it was as out of the blue as some thought, I had kinda dropped breadcrumbs about Hotch (tiny ones but breadcrumbs still) throughout the first few chapters, I may have been a little too subtle though because I had meant to keep Hotch's man crush as implied instead of having him get directly involved. But like I said the chapter kinda wrote itself so I went where my muse told me lol. Sorry if anyone got turned off the story.**

**Chapter 6: Don't Mess With My Man**

Derek all but tore the door off the hinges as he stormed into the inner sanctum of Penelope Garcia. He was seething; aggression and hostility seeping out of his every pore. He had barely kept himself from following Hotch to his office and starting a conversation that he knew would only end in one or both of them leaving by ambulance.

Penelope jumped in her chair and whirled around to face Derek. "You know, Sugar Bear, The Man doesn't take kindly to the destruction of government property. I'd hate for you to lose your cushy gig here and have to resort to shaking your money maker for rent money." She eyed Derek speculatively, "Although I do keep a stack of singles."

"Baby Girl, now is not the time." Derek threw himself into the seat next to Penelope and put his head in his hands.

Garcia looked at Derek. When he'd first entered she'd been tempted to tell him to go back out the way he came…but telling him to leave now would be like kicking a puppy. And Penelope Garcia would never kick a puppy. Especially one that looked like Derek looked at the moment. She rolled over to the other side of the room and brought out a tin of cookies she stashed for emergencies.

"This does not mean you are forgiven. This just means you have been granted a temporary stay of execution, now take a cookie and tell me what has you committing assault and battery on my innocent bystander of a door."

Derek took a cookie and ran his hands over his face. "Hotch." He spit the name out like it was burning his mouth to hold it in.

"And what about the Batman of the BAU?"

"Hotch took Spencer with him." Derek ground out, trying to calm himself so he could make Penelope understand, "There's a consult, it's in Maryland and Hotch, "Derek clenches his jaw," decided to take Spencer along with him. Just the two of them. Even though it was all but said that Rossi and Prentiss would be going."

"So he took Spencer to do a little work? He and Reid testified at that trial a couple months ago. Rossi did that stuff for the Chicago office. You guys go on consults all the time. You and Prentiss just got back from one last week." Garcia knew she was missing something but she really didn't see why Derek was so upset.

"It's not the same thing Baby Girl." Derek's voice was as cold and hard and she'd ever heard it and it sent a shiver down Garcia's spine.

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to _fuck _Prentiss!" Derek exploded, jumping up and turning over his chair.

Garcia was dumbfounded. "OMG!" She squealed. "I can't believe it! And all this time I was blaming you for you guys having problems, which by the way given what you did was a perfectly logical conclusion, but omigosh all this time you two were on the outs because Reid wants to bang the boss. Oh Derek honey, it's ok. Just forget all about him-"

"Penny, Baby Girl, no." Derek broke in.

"What do you mean no? If Reid is so hot to trot for the big boss man, he's so not worthy of-"

"Spencer does not want to fuck Hotch. At least not that I know of." Derek flopped back in the chair and began massaging his temples.

"Well color me confused then, hot stuff. If Spencer isn't out to shake the sheets with tall dark and repressed, what exactly is the problem?" Garcia queried.

"The problem," Derek says, looking his friend in the eye, "Is that Hotch wants to fuck Spencer."

Garcia's jaw dropped. "WHAT!" Her shriek bounced off the walls and a couple of agents walking by peered in to see what all the fuss was about. "Shoo, be gone. Nothing to see here." Garcia ushered the agents down the hall and closed and locked her door. "_**Hotch?**_ Our boss? Tall, darkly handsome, brooding, alpha male, sexy tortured soul-"

"Not helping Garcia."

"HOTCH?" Garcia couldn't seem to wrap her head around it. "Hotch and Spencer? Even if I had thought Hotch was a little bent, which I totally missed...is that like a BAU requirement? You, Spencer, now Hotch. Is it something in the water around here? OMG is Rossi on the down low too? Was Gideon? Ooh the Photoshop possibilities are endless, but Hotch? I would have never figured he'd be interested in _Spencer_-"

"And just what exactly is wrong with Spencer?" Derek questioned quietly. Too quietly.

Garcia wasn't a profiler, but she was a woman and her woman's intuition was telling her to tread lightly around a pissed off, jealous Derek Morgan. "Oh honey bear, there is nothing wrong with Spencer. He's amazing, grade A, prime man meat baby cakes. I just can't believe _Hotch_ wants to be the good doctor's naughty nurse. Though that is a seriously hot visual-"

"I'm sitting right here Baby Girl."

Garcia blushed. "I'm so sorry hun. You know it doesn't matter though, right? Hotch, his…whatever it is for Spencer, it doesn't matter. Even if Hotch has a geek kink, Spencer is a one man kind of guy and he's like super, seriously, insanely head over heels Beauty and The Geek type in love with you."

"Spencer may love me, but at this point I'm not so sure he still wants me." Derek said.

"Derek…" Garcia began, knowing she'd have to be as delicate as possible," Are you sure all this worry isn't just, what do you call it, transference? You and Spencer are having issues and you're feeling insecure and ever since that whole LDSK thing Spencer and Hotch have had this…connection so maybe you're just seeing things that really aren't there. Plus," Garcia gulped and took the plunge, "given what happened recently, you may be having a bit of a guilty conscience so it's possible that-"

"Baby Girl, I know for a fact that Hotch wants Spencer. He told me himself."

"WHAT!" Garcia was stunned. "He did what? When? Why didn't you say anything to me? Does Spencer know?

Derek took a deep breath and began to explain to Penelope how he knew Hotch wanted Spencer and why it was taking everything in him to keep his cool. "Remember the night Spencer and I first got together? I've known ever since that weekend…"

"Ooh you spent the whole weekend? How was it? Did you have morning sex? Shower sex? Is Spencer a touch me in the morning kinda guy? Did you-"

"Baby Girl!"

"Sorry."

"Like I was saying, I've known since that weekend." Derek grinned, "Which was fucking fantastic, by the way." He saw Garcia start to open her mouth. "Yes I mean that literally. Anyway…"

* * *

The first thing Derek had noticed was that he hadn't woken up in his bed. The mattress had been too soft, the sheets felt different and the pillows far too numerous. The second thing he'd noticed is that he didn't panic. The bed felt comfortable, safe, like he belonged there. He wasn't filled with the urge to beat a hasty retreat like he was when he would end up staying the night after hooking up (usually because he'd accidentally fallen asleep),. The third thing he'd noticed was that Spencer Reid was literally draped all over him and he couldn't have been happier about it.

Spencer woke to find that he'd managed to practically fuse himself to Derek. He had been lying across Derek, head buried in the crook of his neck, arm draped across his chest, legs tangled up together. Spencer hadn't ever had such a good night's sleep.

"Morning." Spencer said as he blinked the sleep out of his eyes.

"Morning." Derek returned. He ran a hand through Spencer's hair. "How did you sleep?"

Spencer settled into the touch and lightly traced his fingers across Derek's abs. "Best sleep I've had in a long time." He replied.

Derek grinned. "Happy to be of service."

Spencer gave Derek a quick kiss on the cheek and started to get out of bed. Derek reached out and grabbed Spencer around the waist pulled him back down and pinned him to the mattress. "Nuh uh. We have the day off. We're going to stay in bed all day and I'm going to do things to you that make you blush, " Spencer did blush then and Derek laughed, "like that and then we're going to order some food, eat and start all over again."

"Sounds like a plan." Spencer beamed. "Now about those things you were planning to do to me…"

Spencer stood at his kitchen counter, wearing his pajama bottoms and a black muscle shirt, pouring the contents of several take out containers onto plates. He and Derek had spent the entire morning in Spencer's bed, and on Spencer's floor and in Spencer's shower doing things that had indeed made Spencer blush. In the back of his mind Spencer had known he and Derek needed to talk and get a clearer picture of what they were doing, but he didn't want anything to ruin how he was feeling. Derek walked into the kitchen, wearing nothing but his jeans and gave Spencer a dazzling smile.

"That smells amazing. I'm starving." Derek stood behind Spencer and stole a spring roll.

'Derek! Give me two minutes and I'll have the food on the table." Spencer admonished, as he shook his head and laughed.

"Give me two minutes and I'll have you on the table." Derek returned as he reached out pulled Spencer into a blazing kiss. He backed Spencer up against the kitchen counter and started to run his hands under the tank top.

Spencer pressed himself up against Derek, and kissed him back with equal fervor. They were so wrapped up in each other neither heard Spencer's door open.

"Well, I would ask what's up Doc, but I think the answer to that is fairly obvious."

Derek startled at the sound of a voice behind them and had immediately scanned the counter for things he could use as a weapon. Spencer had noticed Derek going into Supervisory Special Agent mode and steadied him with a hand on the small of his back. "It's ok." He whispered into Derek's ear.

Spencer laughed and said absently. "Cam, I thought we talked about how breaking and entering is a crime. And have I ever told you how much your timing sucks?" There was mild irritation in Spencer's voice, but along with it was also warmth and genuine affection.

Derek heard laughter behind him. It sounded light and harmonious, with a hint of mischief. "You gave me a key, "

"For emergencies and to take care of my place when I'm out of town. " Spencer had broken in.

"What does and does not constitute an emergency is entirely a matter of perception. I was out of coffee, it was totally an emergency. And as far as my timing is concerned, you know that isn't the only thing about me that sucks Spencer. Remember your birthday when -"

"CAM!" Spencer laughed out loud, shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Would you at least mimic appropriate behavior? You should be apologizing for interrupting and making a graceful exit." Spencer said, his hands still holding onto Derek's hips.

"You're right as usual Angel. My behavior is totally inappropriate. I've been a bad girl and deserve to be punished. Soooo….gonna spank me?"

Spencer just shook his head. "Cam," Spencer began as if speaking to a small child, "You. Need. To. Leave."

Derek had been listening to the exchange, not moving, keeping Spencer flush between him and the counter, biding his time, content to enjoy the feel of Spencer's body under his until the woman went away. As she lingered though, Derek felt his annoyance with her presence grow.

It wasn't just that he wanted pick up where he and Spencer left off, Derek was annoyed by the ease with which she was flirting with Spencer and how she seemed to be oblivious to Derek's presence. Derek wasn't used to being ignored, especially by women. Then there was Spencer, the way he'd responded to her was what finally caused Derek to turn around so he could get a good look at just who this Cam person was.

_Son of a bitch._Derek swore to himself. He'd been hoping Cam would look like…well anything but what she looked like. Her hair was a shimmering wave of black silk that she'd swept to one side and somehow secured so that the curls cascaded down over one shoulder. Her eyes were a brilliant green shade framed by long, thick lashes that Derek suspected were the real deal, her cheekbones were high, her lips lush and full and all that combined with her deep olive skin to give her an exotic look.

If her face wasn't enough to launch a thousand ships, her body certainly was. She had a body built for sin; long legs, generous curves, elegant hands set off by a hot pink and black French manicure. She was all feminine softness and grace, and Derek couldn't help but be appreciative of the way she worked it. Her clothes reminded Derek of movie sirens from the 1940's, as if she were channeling pin up era glamour. Her opulent curves had been poured into an all black dress that was cut to emphasize and accentuate her hourglass figure. It was fitted and structured, with cap sleeves and a lace covered bodice gathered just under the bust, which pushed her already generous cleavage _almost_over the edge. The skirt was long and had a ruffled lace hem that hit right under her knees and the silhouette of the dress managed to hug every curve while still leaving something to the imagination. Her shoes, Derek noted, could only be described as "fuck me" pumps. They were rounded, peep toe platform pumps with an impossibly high heel. Her looks and her clothes created a stunning visual effect, something Derek suspected Cam was well aware of.

"Gonna introduce me to your friend Pretty Boy?" Derek had asked his voice low and even, nothing in his tone or manner betraying the irritation he was feeling.

"Omigosh, Derek I'm sorry. This is my friend Cameron Cavanaugh. Cameron this is..," Spencer had faltered not sure how to describe Derek to Cam, "my really good friend Derek Morgan."

Cameron Cavanaugh. The name had sent off flares of recognition in Derek. Spencer had mentioned Cameron numerous times over the years, most recently talking about how Cameron had helped him renovate and redecorate his place because "A grown man's apartment should not look like a glorified dorm room. " Derek had never given much thought to the fact that, as far as he knew, the only person from the team who had ever met Cam was JJ, but now he was slightly unsettled that not only had Spencer failed to mention that Cameron was a female but that she was smoking hot as well.

"Really good friend huh?" Cam's voice had cut into Derek's brooding. "Any really good friend of Spencer's must be an ok guy. It's nice to finally meet you Derek. I've heard so much about you I feel like I know you." Cameron extended her hand.

Derek wondered what Spencer had been saying about him. "Nice to meet you too, Spencer's told me about you as well…though it would seem he left some things out," Derek said as he shook Cam's hand.

"Cam, "Spencer began, "Derek and I were-"

"I'm pretty sure I have a good idea of what you and Derek were about to do." Cam broke in. Spencer blushed. "Aww its so adorbs when you do that Doc. And I really am sorry I interrupted you. I just got in and I'm still on Tokyo time and in desperate need of coffee. I was thinking if you were in town and around you'd be up for cup and some conversation, but since you have company, I'll mosey on back upstairs and leave you two to finish doing…stuff."

Spencer stepped out from behind Derek to press a chaste kiss to Cam's cheek. "I'll call you tomorrow and you can tell me everything I never wanted to know about Tokyo Designer Week and whatever art piece I know you brought back for me."

"Deal. And you'll tell me-"

"Absolutely nothing. Goodbye Cam." Spencer cut her off.

Cam laughed again, and gave Spencer a saucy wink, "Can't blame a girl for trying. Bye sweetie. Good bye Derek, it was nice meeting you. "Cam turned and left leaving Derek staring after her.

"I'm sorry Derek," Spencer began, sounding more amused than apologetic. "Cam can be a bit much but," Spencer gave a helpless shrug, "That's just…Cam. Now that you've finally met her I really hope you two can be friends. I mean, if you are, uh, around more and-"

"Oh I plan to be around more. Its ok baby." Derek assures him. "I will say though given what you've told me, Cam wasn't exactly what I was expecting, " _I was expecting her to be a man and have a penis,_" but its fine. I'm actually a little surprised you were so, uh, relaxed when she interrupted." That was putting it lightly. Derek was in a mild state of shock that Spencer hadn't pushed him off of him, turned scarlet and stuttered his way through an explanation.

Spencer had thought for a moment before answering. "I probably wouldn't have been," he began slowly, "If it had been anyone but Cam. She's…we're…its hard to explain." Spencer gave up.

"Try." Derek said his tone somewhere between a request and a command.

Spencer had given a helpless shrug. "It's _Cam_. I don't worry as much about embarrassing myself with her. She knows how I am and she wouldn't ever make me feel badly…she's…safe." Spencer almost whispered the last word.

Derek winced internally. Safe meant she was important, very important to Spencer. Derek couldn't help himself; he had started to profile Spencer and his relationship with Cam. There were very few people Spencer deemed safe and until recently Derek would have sworn that save Diana Reid and his friend Ethan down in New Orleans, they all worked for the BAU. Derek took note of how Spencer's demeanor remained relaxed in Cam's presence. She had a key to Spencer's place and evidently came and left at will and Spencer didn't seem to mind. Spencer guarded the relationship; he mentioned her but didn't even give enough specifics to determine her gender. She knew Spencer well enough to help him decorate his apartment. Derek took a look around, not as a lover but as a profiler and realized that Cameron's fingerprints were all over the place. There was a slightly vintage feel to the furniture and styling and there were several pieces of unusual art. He turned a critical eye on Spencer and realized that in the last year or so his appearance had changed. He was dressing a better, especially when it was a formal occasion. Derek remembered that a few months back Hotch had teased Spencer about having a trendy "boy band" style hair cut.

Derek thought back on exactly what Cameron and Spencer said. _You know that isn't the only thing about me that sucks, Spencer. Remember your birthday. _Derek remembered. He'd invited Spencer out to dinner and Spencer had declined, saying he had plans. _I've been a bad girl and deserve to be punished, gonna spank me? _Derek focused on Spencer. He remembered Spencer's stuttering admission the previous evening. _I've had um, experiences, you know, ah, oral and uh, um…frottage. _Spencer wasn't one to be casual in any of his interactions, especially intimate ones.

"Stop profiling me." Spencer said as he wrapped his arms around Derek. "There's no need and the food's getting cold." He kissed Derek quickly and went to grab the plates off the counter.

Spencer had almost made it to the table when Derek blurted out "Are you fucking her?"

Spencer had nearly dropped the plate he holding. He had known that Cam's visit had unsettled Derek and he had known the question would come up, given some of the outrageous statements Cam had made and how Derek now knew Spencer hadn't been a complete sexual novice, but Spencer had expected Derek to have a bit more tact than he'd just displayed.

Spencer fixed a look on Derek. "_**I**_," Spencer had taken care to emphasize the word, "have never _fucked_ anyone Derek."

Derek had felt a bit foolish. "You know what I meant, babe."

"I know exactly what you meant. I haven't asked you about the weekend Tamara Barnes spent here, or how far things progressed between you and Jordan Todd nor have I interrogated you about any of the other women I've seen you with over the years. I would think you could extend me the same courtesy." Spencer walked past Derek and got a bottle of wine of out the fridge and busied himself looking for the corkscrew.

Derek had seen red. "Nothing happened with Jordan! And Tamara…" Derek trailed off. "She has a god damn key Spencer!"

Spencer went back to the table and opened the wine. "Well good for Tamara." Spencer snapped pretending to misunderstand Derek's outburst.

"Spencer," Derek tried to reign in his temper, "I wasn't talking about Tamara and you know it." Derek raked over his head, "I'm sorry. I know I could have asked with a little more sensitivity-"

"You think?" Spencer cut in with even more sarcasm.

"But I was…she just walked in. And the way she flirted with you…I guess maybe I got a little jealous."

Spencer was floored. He knew jealousy wasn't anything to be happy about but he couldn't help it. Still, he didn't want things to get out of hand so he wanted to quickly end the confrontation. Spencer suddenly grinned at Derek. "You know what this is?" He had asked him as he walked toward Derek and pulled him to him by his belt loops. "This is our first fight." Spencer's tongue had licked a sinful stripe across Derek's throat and his fingers strayed to the button on Derek's jeans. "We should start making up now." Spencer had murmured as he nibbled on Derek's ear.

Derek groaned, Spencer had learned quickly, maybe too quickly. "I know what you're doing Pretty Boy. We are gonna talk about this." Derek whipped Spencer's shirt up over his head and threw it to the ground. He grabbed a handful of Spencer's hair and kissed him hungrily.

Spencer bit Derek's lower lip. "If you really want to talk _now_ I guess we could." Spencer had undone the button in Derek's jeans and had slid the zipper down. "Or we could talk later."

"Later Pretty Boy." Derek said. He pushed Spencer down onto the table. "We'll talk later."

"Derek wait, the food-"

"We'll order some more."

Spencer was napping on the sofa and Derek was watching Sports Center when his cell went off. It was Hotch's ring tone so Derek picked up immediately. He hoped they didn't have a case but hadn't understood why if they did Hotch was calling instead of JJ.

"Hey Hotch what's up man?" Derek had answered the phone quickly and quietly, as he hadn't wanted to disturb Spencer.

"Morgan, we need to talk. Can you meet me for drinks?"

Derek had been confused. Hotch calling out of the blue and wanting to meet Derek for drinks was unusual.

"Hotch are you ok?" Derek had been worried. He had thought Hotch was back on stable ground but this was out of the ordinary and whatever it was, it wasn't work related.

"I'm fine Morgan- Derek- there are just some things I'd like to discuss with you."

Derek had looked over at Spencer. He really hadn't wanted to leave. But he figured if he left, met with Hotch and made sure everything was ok there, he could check go by his place after and grab some clothes, check on Clooney and give Spencer a chance to miss him. "When and where man?"

He had woken Spencer and told him he needed to go run some errands and that he'd be back soon. Spencer had given Derek his key and told him to take his time.

* * *

Twenty minutes later had found Derek seated across a table from Hotch as he sipped on a coke and waited to find out what Hotch needed to talk to him about.

"Hotch…what's the deal man? Why am I here?" Derek wanted to get things over with so he could get back to Spencer.

Hotch had taken a sip from his scotch and taken a deep breath. He looked Derek straight in the eye. "Where would you rather be Derek? With Reid?"

Derek had felt the blood rush into his ears and his heart explode in his chest. He was _not_ready for this. He and Spencer hadn't discussed what they'd do about work or even what they were to each other. He stared at Hotch and tried to come up with an answer.

"I'm not asking as your boss." Hotch stated, and some of the tension eased out of Derek. "I'm asking as your friend. And Reid's. And I'm asking, as uncomfortable as this is for both of us, because I'm worried that you haven't given significant thought to the consequences of your actions. For you or for Spenc- Reid." Hotch had lightly fingered his glass of scotch and then leaned back, and waited on Derek to answer.

Derek had been trying to recover from the shock of Hotch's blatantly confronting him about his relationship with Spencer. "Hotch, since we're talking as friends, I'll be honest with you, Spencer and I haven't really talked details. We've agreed to just see where things go."

Hotch had exploded. "See where things go? For God's sake Derek things might go right to the unemployment line for the both of you. There are consequences, real consequences to getting involved with Spencer. There are your careers to consider. One or both of you could be forced to transfer out of the BAU. And even if you did transfer out the rumors and innuendo would follow you both. You may not be his supervisor now, but you were for a short time and that's a fact that won't be lost on anyone. Spencer's already had rules bent and outright broken for him from the beginning, he overcompensates for that now and he'd hate anyone implying he was getting preferential treatment at this stage of the game. This job is the only thing Spencer's ever seen himself doing. Jason practically dragged him out of the womb and into the FBI. He's wrapped so much of his self worth in being SSA Dr. Spencer Reid if he lost it, it would devastate him. How could you ever put him in a position where that might be a possibility? And how could you not have discussed exactly what your intentions are before now? Don't you know he needs reassurance? He's lived his whole life being abandoned one way or the other by the most important people in his life. If he let you into his heart, into his bed, the least you can do is let him know you intend to stay! He's been to hell and back. The last thing he needs is to add a broken heart to the Greek tragedy that has been his life. He's not some random woman you picked up in a night club, this is Spencer! You can't get involved with him if you can't give him everything he needs, everything he deserves-"

"Just who the hell are we talking about here Hotch?" Derek had listened to his superior's tirade at first with astonishment, then resentment and finally realization. All the reasons Hotch had laid out for Derek to avoid a relationship with Spencer had been much too personal and too well thought out for him to have come up with them overnight. Derek had realized Hotch was giving him all the reasons he'd given himself for not pursuing Spencer.

"Who the hell do you think you're fooling man? This isn't about me and Spencer, this is about _you_ and Spencer." Derek had leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest as he waited on Hotch to answer him.

"There is no me and Spencer." Hotch shot back. "The same can't be said for you!"

"There may be no you and Spencer, but you damn sure want there to be!" Derek had heatedly returned.

Little things clicked into place for Derek. Hotch was more protective of Spencer than he was the rest of the team. Derek had always let it go because in truth, they were all protective of Spencer, but now Derek was remembering the extra attention Hotch pays to Spencer. Spencer is the only one on the team he brings coffee to on a regular basis. He goes out of his way to make sure local LEO's treat Spencer with the proper respect. Hotch smiled more at Spencer than he did anyone else. They had private jokes no one else on the team, not even Rossi, were privy to. Hotch even trusted Spencer with Jack, he'd once let him take the child to the Smithsonian for an exhibition on airplanes when Jack had expressed a fascination with them. Derek played back the team's night out and focused on Hotch's actions. When he'd made his way to where Spencer was sitting with that guy draped all over him Hotch had looked murderous. When he'd left with Spencer, Hotch had looked frustrated and upset. At the time Derek thought it was due to Rossi's cast off, but now Derek realized it was jealousy and disapproval.

Hotch had drained his drink and given a rueful laugh. "I told Spencer once, a long time ago, that what I wanted I wasn't going to get." He met Derek's livid gaze with a sincere look, "That hasn't changed, Derek. This isn't about me, it's about you. And it's about Spencer. I _am_ your friend, Derek and as your friend I've seen how much you've grown in the last few years. You're more open, more receptive to letting people help you when you need it, carrying less guilt. I suspect a large part of that is Spencer's influence. I know how much you've come to rely on and value the friendship you two share. I don't want to see you lose that. I don't know if you even realize how big a part of your life Spencer has become."

"Hotch-"

Hotch had held up a hand to stop him. "Derek, this isn't me trying to sabotage you. It's the opposite. Yes, my feelings about Spencer are…complicated. But the bottom line is I care about you both, want you both to be happy and won't stand in the way if what make you happy are each other. But I have concerns, real concerns that the things you balance out in each other as friends would be sources of conflicts if you become more than that."

Derek had listened as he nursed his drink. He knew Hotch wasn't entirely an objective party but he hadn't been able to deny the truth in what he was saying. None of it was anything Derek hadn't said to himself. Derek followed Hotch's lead and had looked the other man square in the eye.

"Hotch. If you were anyone else, I'd have knocked you flat on your ass by now. But I know you, and I know if nothing else you are an honest, honorable man. I know you're my friend and I know at the end of the day you have both of our best interests at heart. So I'll keep it real with you, I've gone over this in my head a million times over the years, hell I've gone over it a million times in the past few hours, but it always comes back to one thing: Its _Spencer_ and I'd rather live with the regret of things not working out than the regret of always wondering what might have been," He ignored the flash of remorse on Hotch's face and kept going, "I know how special he is Hotch. But I also know he's not as fragile as people think he is. Spencer is the strongest person I've ever met and if this thing between us goes bad, he _will_ survive it. I may not, but he will. I don't plan to hurt him Hotch. I've spent the last few years of my life trying to keep him from being hurt. I know how lucky I am that he's willing to take a chance on me, to let me in and I'm gonna do everything I can not to blow it."

Derek shot Hotch a sly grin. "Besides, can you imagine what JJ and Prentiss would do to me if I hurt Spencer? I suspect even Garcia would come down on me, and I don't even wanna think about Rossi's revenge. I still remember how he unleashed the beast on that UnSub who kept hinting at how he wanted to make a man out Spencer."

Hotch had been silent and then given Derek a small smile. "I seem to remember both of you having issues with Mr. Dietrich's interest in Spencer." Derek had given Hotch a look that clearly read _we had issues_. Hotch laughed. "Fine, he isn't on my Christmas card list either. I get it Derek, we're all protective of Spencer, none more so than you. All I ask is that you continue to protect him."

"I have no intention of hurting him Hotch.'

"I had no intention of hurting Hailey." Hotch said softly. "Things happen Derek. I know that. I won't hold it against you if…things happen." Hotch had paused then and leaned back across the table, "But if you do anything to knowingly cause him pain, you and I will have a problem."

Derek nodded his understanding and then stood to leave. "And just so you know Hotch, that line in the sand you've drawn when it comes to Spencer, keep on your side of it or " He stops, and remembers the words Hotch had just spoken, "You and I will have a problem."

Hotch rose and put on his coat. "Seems like we've come to an understanding. I won't ever interfere Derek as long as you never give me a reason to. Now, I have to pick up Jack from Jessica's. I promised him mini golf, heaven help me."

Derek laughed. "Mini golf with the little man huh? You're a wild man, Hotch. See you Monday."

"See you Monday, Derek."

* * *

"So you see Baby Girl, I'm not being paranoid. Hotch wants Spencer and now they're going to be together, out of town, when Spencer is vulnerable and we're on the outs." Derek was clenching and unclenching his fists and he was struggling to maintain control.

Garcia had been mostly quiet during Derek's description of his conversation with Hotch. Her initial surprise at Hotch's interest in Spencer had been replaced with sympathy and concern for her friends. "Derek, 'She said, reaching out and putting a hand on his arm, "you know Hotch and you know Spencer. Hotch is the definition of proper. He's not going to try to start a game of mattress tag with Spencer when they're supposed to be working. He'd never abuse his authority like that, you know it. And Spencer, as hurt and angry as he is right now, is in love with you. He's not going to be falling into bed with Hotch or anyone else when you have his heart."

"Love and sex are two different things Baby Girl. They don't always go together."

"They do for Spencer and you know it." Garcia waved off Derek's interruption. "As a woman whose been known to wage war with the green eyed monster, let me impart some wisdom on you: Focus on Spencer, not Hotch. If you get caught up in some battle of the egos with Hotch, you'll lose sight of what's important and that's Spencer. Spencer loves _you. _He's hurt and he's angry but he loves you. Remind him of all the reasons why. As for Hotch, you've known all this time about his feelings for Spencer and it hasn't wrecked your friendship with him or your relationship with Spencer. Unless and until he actually makes a move on Spencer-a real, honest to goodness, move-don't freak out."

Derek let the advice rattle around in his brain. Penelope was right. It wouldn't help him get things back on track with Spencer if he put Hotch in the hospital. He needed to focus on Spencer and finding a way to bridge the gap between them.

"Thanks for the advice Baby Girl." Derek stood. "I'm gonna go take it." He kissed Penelope on the forehead and headed toward the door.

"You are welcome. Don't make a habit of needing it. Now be gone, The Supreme Being of Cyberspace has work to do." Garcia turned back around and hoped that there was some way for all three of her friends to come out of this with their hearts intact.

Derek left Penelope's and went straight for Hotch's office. He knocked once and didn't even wait to be called in.

"Morgan. Did you need something?" Hotch was a model of professionalism.

Derek silently counted to ten before answering. "I need the rest of the afternoon off. I can come in early tomorrow or work through the week end but-"

"Go." Hotch knew why Derek wanted to leave and as tempted as he was to say no, he knew that a refusal would only exacerbate an already precarious situation.

Derek was taken aback. Hotch had to know he was going after Spencer and he'd expected him to put up a fight. "Thanks Hotch."

"Derek, don't misunderstand. I meant what I said to you all those months ago." Hotch eyed Derek steadily. "You gave me a reason." He stated.

Derek set his jaw and returned Hotch's stare. "I meant what I said to you all those months ago too Hotch. Right now you're my boss and a concerned friend. Don't become a problem."

Hotch merely huffed out a small laugh. "If that's all Agent Morgan, I have a few things to finish up before picking up Dr. Reid." Hotch turned his attention to the files littering his desk. "It shouldn't take me more than an hour or so." He added pointedly.

Derek took the hint and he didn't look back as he left Hotch's office and headed to the elevators and Hotch didn't look up from his paperwork. If either of them had they would have noticed Rossi, standing far enough from Hotch's door to afford the two men some privacy but close enough to intervene if necessary.

Rossi breathed a sigh of relief as the elevator doors closed behind Derek. He'd been spared from having to play referee and for that he was immensely grateful. _I do not get paid enough for this shit. _Rossi thought. He started to go back to his office, but then turned and headed down into the bullpen.

"Hey Prentiss…"


	8. Slow Dancing In a Burning Room

**A/N This chapter is really more of a set up for the chapters to follow and there is some major, major angst ahead.**

**I know some people might find Spencer ooc for the next couple of chapters, but I was watching Elephant's Memory, Memoriam, and The Uncanny Valley back to back and realized that, while it's rare, Spencer does get angry and Angry Spencer is wickedly sarcastic and just a bit brutal. So that's the version I channeled for the next couple of chapters.**

**Chapter 7: Slow Dancing In a Burning Room**

Spencer walked into his living room and flopped down on his sofa. He knew Hotch had sent him home to give him some breathing room because they both knew he didn't really have any preparations that couldn't have been made at the office. It had only taken Spencer a few minutes to be ready to leave. His go bag was packed and ready, he'd left a message for Cam to feed his fish and pick up his mail and he didn't have any plans that needed to be canceled. He had awhile before Hotch came to pick him up so he decided to enjoy the quiet and try to clear his head.

Spencer was exhausted; it had taken an extraordinary amount of effort for him to maintain his equilibrium while at work, while so close to Derek. Spencer was under no illusions as to why Hotch had chosen to take him on the consult. Even though he'd tried to cover, he clearly hadn't fooled Hotch. Working with people trained to look beyond the surface, to see the things that he would rather remain hidden had often seemed like a curse to Spencer, but in this instance it was a blessing. Spencer knew he wouldn't have been able to keep up his façade much longer and breaking down in the middle of the BAU would have been mortifying. He made a mental note to find some way to thank Hotch for his rather thinly veiled intervention.

Spencer was startled out of his thoughts by the sound of knocking at his front door. He let his head fall back onto the back of his couch and closed his eyes. "Just use your key Cam." Spencer called out, "I have about an hour before I have to leave and I'm not moving from this spot until then."

Spencer kept his eyes closed and focused on his breathing as he heard the sound of a key turning in the lock. "You know where everything is. Don't open my mail this time and don't replace my wardrobe again. It's fine if you sleep over but if you insist on sleeping naked put on some clothes before you open the door. I'm still getting high fives from the UPS guy."

"I thought I was the only one you had naked in your bed, Pretty Boy."

Spencer's eyes flew open. He couldn't believe his ears…or his eyes. Derek was here, in his apartment. Spencer cursed his earlier laziness. If he'd gotten up and gone to the door he would have looked out the peephole and he could have put the deadbolt in place.

"Y-you're supposed to be at work! How did you…_Why are you here?" _Spencer couldn't keep the hint of desperation out of his voice. Derek was supposed to be back at the BAU not standing in the middle of his living room. Spencer stifled the urge to flee and then a burst of anger went through him. This was _his _home. If anyone should feel uncomfortable it should be Derek. He forced himself to breathe and looked Derek in the eye. "You and I," he said with a coldness and calmness he didn't feel, "have nothing to talk about."

Derek knew Spencer well enough to know that despite his tone, the man was three seconds away from being in a full blown panic. He hadn't really had a plan when he arrived but when Spencer had assumed he was Cam and told him to just come on in, he figured a sneak attack would be his best bet. Catching Spencer off guard, when his defenses were low, might be the only way Derek could get close enough to plead his case. Derek realized that Spencer wasn't exactly receptive to his presence but he hadn't tried to throw him out so Derek chose to take that as a good sign.

"C'mon Spencer, you know that's not true. We need to talk and I'm not leaving here until we do." Derek walked past Spencer and sat in one of the leather recliners, gesturing for Spencer to have a seat on the couch. The action is a clear signal that Derek has no intention of leaving and Spencer has no choice but to hear him out.

For one long beat of time Spencer toys with the idea of telling Derek to go fuck himself, which would be a first since he's never actually told anyone to go fuck themselves before. Even so, Spencer figured Derek's earned that particular directive. He decided sarcasm was going to be his best defense and that if he let Derek speak his piece he'd leave sooner. Spencer wouldn't give in completely though, so he refused to play beta to Derek's alpha male and instead of sitting on the couch he stood up a little straighter, crossed his arms and arched his eyebrow.

"Exactly why do we need to talk Derek? We've talked already. You've already _explained_," Spencer actually makes air quotes when he says explained which is another first for Spencer Reid, "And I found your explanation lacking in logic and reason, completely inadequate, unconvincing and unoriginal the first ten times. Have you come up with new material or did you think my eidetic memory was suddenly failing me?"

Derek frowned but tried to keep himself under control. He knew Spencer was trying to push his buttons and he couldn't let that happen. "Spencer-"

"Yes I'm Spencer and you're Derek." Spencer walked through his living room, "and this is a book, and this is a lamp and this the coffee maker. Now that all the introductions have been made you can get on with it and then get out." Sarcasm was quickly turning into something darker.

Derek was undeterred. "I was wrong-"

Spencer started clapping. "Congratulations Derek. Did you get help from Captain Obvious to figure that out or did you take your big red crayon and connect the dots all by yourself?"

Derek mentally counted to ten and tried again. "Spencer, I love you-"

"Not nearly as much as you love yourself." Spencer cut in.

Derek changed directions. "I'm so sorry-"

"I agree. You are one sorry bastard."

Derek began massaging his temples. This was actually going worse than he'd thought it would and he'd expected it to be pretty bad. "Spencer that fight we had…and what _you did._I was pissed off, I was hurt, I left and I had way too much to drink and things just…it just happened, Spencer! It was an accident-"

"Oh well there you go! It's all my fault then. It just happened. Or like that song you insist on singing every time you do karaoke we'll just Blame It on the Alcohol! It was just an accident, huh Derek? That explains everything! I guess you _accidentally_ forgot to tell your family you've been sleeping with me for the past few months. And I suppose you _accidentally_ forbade me from coming over during their visit. Which, by the way, didn't hurt _at all._ I'm sure it was a complete _accident_ then when they showed up with _**a date**_ for you to take to your mom's birthday dinner-"

"That was Desiree's idea! I had no clue she was going to ambush me with-"

"Why wouldn't they Derek? Its not like they knew you had a boyfriend or anything!" Spencer shot back, and then picked up where he'd left off, "And the _accidents _kept coming didn't they Derek?" Spencer started counting off on his fingers, "I _accidentally _walked into a club-"

"That was no accidents, considering how you were dressed and the fact that you weren't exactly by your fucking self were you Spencer?" Derek spat

Spencer went on as if he hadn't heard the interruption. "You _accidentally _took some strange woman dancing. You _accidentally _consumed copious amounts of alcohol. You _accidentally _caused a scene, You _accidentally _went home with the aforementioned woman and you _accidentally_ _**cheated on me!"**_ Spencer had lost all semblance of self control as he continued his rant. "Lucky you don't have those types of _accidents_ at work. I doubt it would go over well, I shudder to think of what would happen if Rossi bent over to tie his shoe and you had one of your _accidents_-"

Derek was across the room in an instant. "What? I'm the only one who fucked up that night? I'm the only one who betrayed someone's trust? It's all about me and what I did? What about you? What about what you did to me? You stepped over the fucking line and you _know _it Spencer! I'm still dealing with the fall out of your god damn temper tantrum!" Derek felt his own feelings of anger and hurt rise up and wash over him.

Spencer felt a tiny flicker of guilt when he heard Derek's words. If he were capable of being fair and objective, he'd admit that he wasn't exactly an innocent party to some of the more unpleasant events of that evening. But whatever guilt he felt was consumed by his hurt and his anger. He stood his ground and refused to look away first or back down.

They stood in the middle of Spencer's living room staring at each other for several long moments. Finally Spencer, his voice thick with emotion, closed his eyes and was the first to break the silence.

"I knew I was wrong Derek. I was sorry, so sorry. I was ready to do anything, _anything_ to make it up to you, to make it better. I went to you. You walked out on me and I went after you, "Spencer opened his eyes and looked at Derek, "do you have any idea how hard that was for me? I was willing to fight for you, to fight for us, and I walked into your bedroom and I _saw you_. I _saw you Derek_."

"I'm sorry." Derek didn't know what else to say.

"So am I." Spencer tapped the side of his head. "Eidetic memory. Every time I look at you..." Spencer's voice trailed off.

"I know Spencer." Derek said sadly.

Spencer loved Derek, but he hated that every time he looked at him he played back every moment of that night, and relieved the pain he'd felt when he saw him with _her. _He had no idea how he was supposed to get over a pain it would be impossible for him to forget.


	9. Love Is A Battlefield

**A/N Warning: Bad Language, Violence and Major angst ahead. Proceed with caution, especially if domestic violence is trigger for you.**

**Chapter 8: Love Is A Battlefield**

Derek wasn't nearly as happy and relaxed as he should have been.

His mother and his sisters had flown in for their mother's birthday and Derek was truly happy to see his family because it had been awhile since he'd been able to make it home for a visit. He looked at the contented expression on his mother's face, and listened to Sarah and Desiree trading barbs back and forth and smiled. He'd spent the last three days showing his mom and sisters around DC and Virginia and they'd had a great time. It had been an almost perfect visit.

Almost perfect because Derek couldn't stop thinking about the look on Spencer's face when he'd explained to him that since he still hadn't told his family about the two of them it would be better if Spencer kept his distance while they were in town. The conversation still rung in Derek's ears and tugged on his heartstrings.

"C-c-can't you just…tell them about us? Would it really be so bad? They love you..and I got the impression they were adequately fond of me. Maybe if you -" Spencer had haltingly protested.

"Spencer, I can't," Derek had rubbed a hand across the back of his neck, "I told you how badly my mom took it when I told her I was bisexual. She still hasn't come around completely and I just…I can't lose her Spencer. I already lost my dad, I just can't…plus its her _birthday_ Spencer. Its not the time for me to make some kind of statement."

Spencer had looked like he wanted to argue but then his shoulders sagged forward just a bit and he had given Derek a small smile. "Ok then. I uh, I'll make sure I gather all my things then when I leave in the morning." He'd looked so dejected and forlorn it had broken Derek's heart.

Derek had taken Spencer in his arms. "Baby, don't make it sound like that. Like I'm kicking you out, like this is some sort of break up. Its just for a few days .I _am _going to tell them, its just not the right time. I promise you baby, I will make this up to you."

Derek had taken Spencer into the bedroom then and they'd made love. Derek used his body to show Spencer how much he loved him, how much he wanted him, how sorry he was for hurting him. It was sweet and gentle, slow and sensuous, full of whispered endearments and needy confessions. They had fallen asleep wrapped up in each other's arms, sated and, Derek thought, secure in what they had.

The following morning though had planted seeds of doubt for Derek. He had known Spencer would be leaving, but he hadn't counted on waking up alone, with every trace of Spencer completely erased from the house, not so much as a single mismatched sock left behind. Derek had known Spencer would comply with his request but he hadn't counted on him leaving without saying goodbye and he certainly hadn't counted on him doing a complete disappearing act. He hadn't seen or heard from Spencer in the three days his family had been there. The other man had gone so far as to cash in some personal days so that when Derek brought his mother and sisters by the BAU, Spencer wasn't there. Spencer had become a ghost and he was haunting Derek.

Derek gave a heavy sigh. As if Spencer being gone wasn't enough, Desiree had surprised him by having her old college friend Natalia come with them to dinner. All throughout dinner, the four women at the table had been dropping hints about how perfect Natalia would be for Derek with all the subtly of a rock through a window. Derek had put his game face on, smiled his trademark smile and been charming and charismatic. He'd laughed, joked and flirted his way to dessert, the entire time planning his sister's early demise and wishing it was Spencer at the table with them.

"Derek? Honey are you paying attention?" Fran Morgan asked him.

"I'm sorry mama." Derek had looked sufficiently chagrined, "What did you say?"

Fran had given a merry laugh. "You're forgiven baby. I was just saying that its late and I'm an old woman now. I think I'm ready to call it a night."

Derek had laughed then. "You're tired Mama? I understand. You are parking in the blue spaces now."

Sarah had joined in the teasing, "Maybe we should have taken you for an early bird special."

"That's enough you two or I'll put you over my knee." Fran laughed.

"Your old arthritic bones couldn't take it." Derek returned. He squeezed his mothers hand. "I'll take you home now Mama." Derek signaled for the check, secretly relieved to be calling it an evening.

It wasn't until he was he had helped the ladies into their coats that they sprung their trap.

"Derek, " Desiree turned to him, "Natalia was telling me about one of her favorite clubs here, Metro. Do you know it?"

Derek had answered before he thought. "Oh yeah. Its one of my favorite spots. Good music, good people, great place to get your groove thang on. Its got multiple levels and each level has its own vibe: Goth on one, pop on another, a VIP lounge that's mostly jazz and one for house music and hip hop. No matter what you're in the mood for they've got it. "

"Exactly, " Natalia chimed in, "it's the perfect place to hang out, have some drinks, hit the dance floor and just lose yourself for a few hours." Her brown eyes had sparkled and she'd given Derek a blinding smile.

"I would love to go." Desiree said casting a sidelong glance at Derek and while she exchanged a look with Sarah and their mother.

"Oh Derek honey, don't let an old woman ruin your fun. You, Desi and Natalia go on out dancing and Sarah and I will go on back to our hotel."

_Shit, _Derek thought to himself. _Some profiler I am, didn't even see this one coming._"Mama, you guys have been staying with me since you got here-"

"Exactly baby. We've completely wasted a good hotel room. Tonight I plan on ordering room service and watching over priced pay per view. Besides, you need a little privacy." Fran said, smiling at Natalia and giving Derek a look that plainly read, "_You WILL show this young lady a good time."_

"Yes mama." Derek had said weakly. He'd called a cab and gotten his mother and Sarah off to their hotel, cursed meddling relatives and turned and began walking toward his car, resigned to wait a few more hours for his freedom.

Spencer had been miserable. The last three days had been some of the saddest, loneliest days he'd ever spent. He had tried, really tried to see things from Derek's point of view, but he was getting tired of being understanding. Spencer had come out to his mother shortly after beginning his relationship with Derek. Diana Reid hadn't exactly taken the news well, but they'd gotten through it. Spencer felt like if he could risk losing the only constant he'd ever had in his life then Derek could be just as brave. After all, Derek was already out to his mom, if she could handle that surely she could handle knowing he was in a relationship with a man. Correction, that Derek was in a relationship with _him_.

Spencer had sighed. He was feeling particularly sorry for himself. He felt unloved, rejected, and unwanted by the one person who had promised to never make him feel that way. Spencer had just made himself a cup of coffee when he heard three knocks in quick succession at his front door. _Cam_, Spencer thought.

"I'm coming in Spencer, so if you're naked…stay that way!" Cam called out as she came through the door.

Spencer smiled a small smile. He had thought he wanted to be alone, but maybe a little company, especially Cam's company, might be just what he needed. "Sorry. I seem to be wearing several articles of clothing at the present time." Spencer answered

"Curses! Foiled again!" Cam teased Spencer. "Of course if you want to get naked…"

"You have an unhealthy preoccupation with my state of dress. In the workplace it would be deemed sexual harassment." Spencer smirked.

"Your lips say no but your eyes say yes." Cam joked. "So what's up Doc? I've been calling you for the last two days and you haven't called back. I haven't seen your hunk of dark chocolate burning love around and you look like Bambi after they shot his mother." Cam curled up on Spencer's sofa and cocked her head at him. "So what gives?"

Spencer had planned on saying nothing. But when he opened his mouth a dam had burst and the entire story had come tumbling out. Cam had listened, not interrupting, until Spencer was finished.

"Spencer," She started slowly, "You know that I like Derek right?"

"I know."

"But I absolutely adore you. And right now, I could punch Derek in the junk for the way he's treating you."

"Cam, he's not -" Spencer had automatically began to defend Derek.

"Doc, yes he is, but that's not important. What's important is that we get that unhappy look off your face. I have an idea-"

Spencer knew how Cam's ideas usually worked. They all invariably ended in some type of disaster. "Cam no. I do not wish to be accosted, arrested, assaulted or any of the other things that happen when you get ideas."

"You're bringing that up again? It was one time Spencer. And we didn't even get arrested!"

"It was twice and the last time we only got off because I had my badge on me!"

"Still..no harm no foul." Cam unfolded her legs and looked at Spencer. "I'm taking you out Spencer Reid."

Images of the last time Cam had said those words flashed through Spencer's head. It had been before he and Derek started dating. She'd shown up at his door in the middle of the night, insisted on dressing Spencer up and then taken him to the subway. They boarded a train with a bunch of other people and then all the sudden there was music and dancing and bubbles everywhere. It had been one of the strangest, most exhilarating, fun experiences of Spencer's life. Until they'd almost been arrested. Then Garcia's joke about him being someone's prison bitch had Spencer reaching for his badge and trading on professional goodwill to keep them out of the slammer.

"I just said I didn't want to be arrested." Spencer reminded her.

"No more train parties, just one of my favorite clubs. You, me, music and no one who knows you to freak you out so yes Spencer, there will be dancing."

Spencer had been about to say no when he realized that a few hours where he didn't have to think about Derek and how lonely he was might do him some good. Even if it was a club.

"I don't have anything to wear-" Spencer began.

"Yes you do. I've brought you plenty of outfits that you refuse to wear." Cam said standing up.

"That's because everything you buy me is uncomfortable and obscene." Spencer replied.

"That's because I buy you clothes with the intention of peeling them off of you but you never let me." Cam retorted. She walked over and tweaked Spencer's nose. "I'll be right back then we'll get you dressed." She walked toward the front door.

"Wait where are you going?"

"Spencer," Cam had rolled her eyes. "I'm taking you out. I need my make up case."

Spencer's mouth dropped open, but before he could protest Cam was out the door, warning him not to even think about dead bolting the door after her.

Derek hated to admit it but he was having a relatively good time. He'd had a few drinks, danced a bit and gotten rid of some of his earlier tension. Natalia turned out to be surprisingly good company and when they'd danced she'd pressed her lush curves against his body and Derek had to admit that a few months ago he would have been interested.

Natalia was pretty. Soft caramel skin, big chocolate brown eyes and full lips. Her hair was ebony and reminded Derek of the line in Snow White, and she had a blinding smile. She was sexy enough to get Derek's attention, but sweet enough to get his mother's approval. Even though he hadn't been overjoyed by her presence at first, Derek was honest enough to admit that Natalia wasn't what was bothering him.

Spencer was bothering Derek. Derek had texted Spencer several times throughout the evening and hadn't gotten a response. He'd even excused himself to go to the mens room and tried to call Spencer's landline but he'd just got his machine. Derek knew Spencer wasn't quite as anti-social as he'd once thought he was, but he couldn't imagine where he could be at this time of night. He got another drink, flashed Natalia another smile and led her back onto the dance floor. _I'll call Spencer first thing in the morning,_Derek thought as he grooved to the music.

"I look ridiculous!" Spencer shouted to Cam as she led him through the crowd.

"You look hot. And you don't have to take my word for it, look at all the attention you're getting." Cam shouted back as she led Spencer to the bar.

"I'm getting attention," Spencer yelled back, "Because I look ridiculous."

Truthfully Spencer was starting to doubt the stares he'd gotten since entering the club were looks of pity. He had slowly began to believe he might actually look passable, maybe even…good. Cam had dressed him in a pair of tight black leather pants that clung to him like a second skin. His shirt was a form fitting burgundy silk with sleeves that just brushed his fingertips and Cam had insisted he leave the top three buttons as well as the buttons on his cuffs, undone. He feet were clad in boots that had thick rubber soles, a steel toe and multiple buckles. His open shirt revealed that he was wearing a black leather collar with a burgundy trim and a D ring at the front. Cam had taken a kohl black liner and lined Spencer's eyes, then applied several coats of black mascara to his lashes. She'd insisted on painting his nails black and putting a tiny amount of product in his hair and sweeping it back off his face.

Cam had also dressed the part. She had donned a corset dress that was made of black leather and trimmed in burgundy. The dress laced up the front and had a slit that revealed the burgundy garters she had on top of her fishnet stockings. She'd had on a thin black leather collar around her neck and done her hair up in a style that was reminiscent of Bettie Page. She'd done here eyes in a similar fashion to Spencer's: black liner, lots of mascara. Her lips were crimson and a tiny hint of blush stained her cheeks. Between the two of them Cam and Spencer had garnered quite a bit of attention since they had stepped into the club.

"Spencer," Cam pulled his ear down to meet her lips, "People have been checking you out, checking us out, since we came in here. You look like hot sex on a silver platter and I am my usual flawless self. Relax and enjoy the attention." She caught sight of the bartender giving Spencer a once over. "And the soon to be free drinks." She said, as she pulled him to the bar.

"Getting bored Desi?" Derek teased his sister as he and Natalia came back off the dance floor.

"Not bored, curious." Desiree corrected Derek. "There are four levels in this club. So far we've only been to this one. What are the others like?"

Derek thought about it. "Truthfully I don't know. This is usually the only one I party on. The basement is the goth level but I'm not a goth kind of guy so I've never been on that floor, and the others-

"Let's go to the basement then!" Desiree said. "C'mon Derek live a little."

"It might be fun…" Natalia chimed in.

"Fine. But if I'm gonna take my old ass around a bunch of goth kids, I'm gonna need another drink." Derek said, as he downed his drink and led the ladies to the elevator that would take them to the basement level of the club.

Cam had dragged Spencer onto the dance floor and after stumbling awkwardly through several songs, he'd finally relaxed enough to simply move to the music. He had Cam tightly pressed to him and they were grinding and gyrating in such a way that if it had been anyone else, Spencer might have worried he was giving them the wrong idea.

"Admit it, you're having a good time." Cam had asked Spencer.

"You're right, I am having a good time. And shock of shocks there have been no catastrophic events thus far." Spencer answered.

"The night is still young Spencer."

"This is…different." Natalia said as she took a look at the sea of studded collars, heavy boots, and black leather that surrounded them.

"Its kind of exciting though." Desiree said and then let out a low whistle when a particularly attractive young man walked by, "And the scenery is nothing to sneeze at."

"Spare me please." Derek dryly cut in.

"You two are so adorable. So Derek, want to try your luck out on the dance floor?" Natalia asked. "I mean, this isn't my usual type of music but dancing is dancing right?"

"Dancing is dancing." Replied Derek with a grin.

They made their way out to the dance floor and began dancing to the music. Natalia kept writhing up against Derek, the invitation clear, but he would always put a respectable distance between the two of them. He was enjoying her company, but he didn't want to lead her on. He wasn't looking, despite what his mother and sisters thought; he had already found Spencer.

'Omigosh Derek!' Desiree suddenly elbowed him . "Look! Isn't that the guy you work with- um, Spencer! He sure didn't look like that when you guys were in Chicago or in any of the pictures Penelope showed me when she came over with her scrapbook of your team, but I'm pretty sure that's him."

Derek had looked at Desiree like she'd just sprouted another head. The idea of Spencer, _his Spencer_in a club, especially a club like this…it just wasn't possible.

"Desi, girl that's it. I am cutting you off. If you're seeing Pretty Boy up in here you've had way too much to drink." Derek had teased.

"Derek I haven't had anything to drink, you've been the one knocking them back! And between his height and his build and that…androgynous thing he's got going on Spencer makes quite an impression, I certainly remember what he looked like. I gotta admit though, that nerdy professor vibe he gives off with the long rambles and the horrible clothes had me fooled." Desiree had gotten a sly look on her face and her eyes were trained somewhere over Derek's shoulder. "If I had known what was under that sweater vest…" She trailed off suggestively.

Natalia had gone to stand beside Desiree and followed her line of sight. "Oh wow." She ran her eyes up and down Derek's form and then back over to where Desiree was looking. "Is it in the official FBI rulebook that they only recruit hotties? Is everyone on your team ridiculously good looking?"

Before Derek could answer Desiree piped up. "Yep. You should see their boss. The epitome of tall, dark and handsome." Desiree giggled.

Derek laughed. "I'll be sure to tell Hotch you think he's hot stuff." He teased his sister. "But no way Spencer is in this club. He's not a club type of guy."

"Maybe he's not. Maybe the girl molesting him on the dance floor made him come. I would have never guessed the absent minded professor could move like that." Desiree said.

"They are putting on quite the floor show, aren't they? I bet she picked out the outfits too…they compliment each other without being all matchy-matchy." Natalia noted.

"Derek you think you could hook a sista up? If he can take direction like that on the dance floor…"Desiree had raised her eyebrows suggestively.

Derek nearly broke his neck as he whipped his head around. He followed Desiree's gaze, expecting to have a laugh at her expense, and felt as if he'd been hit in the gut with a sledgehammer.

_Holy fuck that is Spencer._ Derek could hardly believe it. He had spent the last three days worried about him, convinced he was somewhere feeling miserable and rejected and here he was, in a club of all places, dressed up like he was looking to give it away and practically fucking some woman on the dance floor. Derek's eyes narrowed. That wasn't some woman- it was Cameron. Cameron, who Derek knew, despite Spencer never have confirmed it, was the source of Spencer's other sexual experiences. Derek felt jagged shards of jealousy rip through him and he slammed his drink down on the bar with a viciousness that cracked the glass.

"Derek? Are you ok?" Natalia questioned with a worried look on her face.

"What's the matter bro? Jealous that the geek is taking your crown as king of the club?" Desiree teased, referring to the attention Spencer and Cam were getting from onlookers.

Cameron wound her hands around Spencer's neck and pulled his head down so she could whisper something in his ear. Whatever she had said made Spencer laugh and drop a kiss on the top of her head. That was the straw that broke the camel's back and Derek was on the move, headed toward the pair, with a mercenary gleam in his eye.

"Derek? Derek are you ok?" Desiree asked as she ran after him, Natalia at her heels.

"I may have to rethink my position on establishments of this nature," Spencer yelled over the heavy bass of the music, "Previously I may have been a bit-"

"Wrong Spencer. The word you are looking for is wrong. You said you wouldn't have fun, you are. You said you couldn't dance, but you are, and doing a pretty good job at it if you ask me. You said you wouldn't fit in, you do. You swore people would laugh at you and you've been hit on more than I have-"

"Technically that's not true. Four of the people who approached me were interested in group sexual activities. Apparently the collar you accessorized with indicates-"

"And that concludes the lecture portion of the evening," Cam broke in, "I know what the collar indicates Spencer, why do you think I put it on?" She pulled Spencer's head down and whispered in his ear, "So these four people…any contenders? I mean, I know you and Derek are all monotonous, I mean, monogamous but-"

Spencer laughed and kissed Cam on the top of the head. "You should know better than to bluff with a Vegas boy, Cam. One of these days I might call it." Spencer joked.

"I keep telling you-" Cameron's smile suddenly vanished and she gripped Spencer's forearm, "Spencer don't freak out," She took in his dilating pupils, "I said _don't_ freak out! Look, Derek is here and he's on his way over and I hope he's not armed because he looks supremely pissed."

Spencer froze. Derek was _here_? Derek was supposed to be visiting with his family, why would he be here? And why would he be angry? Spencer hardly had time to process what Cam was saying when suddenly there was a vise like grip on his upper arm.

"What's a pretty boy like you doing in a place like this?" Derek growled into his ear.

"I..ah, I.." Spencer's mouth had gone dry. Derek's sudden appearance had caught him completely off guard and he wasn't sure what to do or say.

"Hello Derek." Cam said, stepping in between him and Spencer, "I could ask you the same question. Isn't it your mom's birthday? Aren't you supposed to be busy entertaining your family?" Cam's eyes lit on Natalia and Desiree. "Or have you been busy entertaining_friends_?" Her tone was biting.

"Cameron you can-" Derek started to answer her.

"Actually, Cameron is it? I'm Derek's sister Desiree and this is my friend Natalia. She joined us for dinner and then I wanted to see this place so she and Derek brought me and my mom and our sister Sarah went back to the hotel." Desiree cut in, her tone saying _what the hell business of yours is it anyway._

Cameron smiled and Derek could have sworn he saw yellow canary feathers in her mouth. "Oh did you hear that Spencer? Desiree brought a friend. I guess she's a very good friend, I mean, since you brought her to such an special_family_event. Wouldn't want to share that type of celebration with just _anyone._"

Cameron had been shooting daggers at Derek. Spencer had desperately wished for the floor to open up and swallow him whole. Derek had been resisting the urge to throttle Cameron. Natalia had been confused, thinking this woman must have had some prior claim on Derek since she was clearly displeased with him being there with her. Desiree had reached the same conclusion as Natalia, and since she preferred Natalia to Cam she decided to go for the jugular.

"You're right Cameron." She said with false sweetness. "We wouldn't have let just any_casual_ aquantaince share the evening with us. But I've known Natalia here for years. Besides," She had narrowed her eyes and smirked, "Natty's Derek's date."

Desiree's announcement sent off a chain reaction. Derek had cursed under his breath, Natalia had stepped up and wrapped herself around his bicep, Spencer's mouth had fallen open and Cameron had received the news with a smirk of her own.

"Hear that Spencer?" Cameron lightly traced the tip of her nail along Spencer's chest, "She's Derek's _date._Isn't that interesting Spencer? Derek's on a _date._" Cameron said, emphasizing the word date and giving Derek a look that would stop even the most hardened UnSub in his tracks while drawing Spencer closer to her and further away from Derek.

Desiree was confused. She had read the woman's baiting as competitive bitchiness, but the woman seemed to focus almost all of her attention on Spencer, not Derek. Desiree took a hard look at Spencer. His jaw had dropped when Natalia had taken Derek's arm and Desiree swore she could read hurt and betrayal on his face. And Derek…Derek looked…angry. He looked angry, Desiree realized with shock, and jealous.

"She's…you…" Spencer couldn't form a coherent sentence. All he could see was the woman in front of him holding onto _his_boyfriend, like she had every right to do so. Pain had surged through Spencer as he realized not only was she with Derek at the club but this woman he'd never even heard of had been permitted to spend time with Derek's family, with Derek's mother, where as Derek had specifically requested Spencer stay away, not even willing to let him attend as a friend. "Date?" Spencer repeated weakly.

Derek had been trying to find the words to explain to Spencer what was going on, when Natalia spoke up.

"Yes, _date._" Natalia bristled. "And its been amazing."

"_Amazing_. Here that Spencer, its been _amazing."_ Cameron repeated with thinly veiled contempt.

"You're on a _date_?" Spencer asked Derek. "A date? You're on a date?" Spencer repeated blankly.

"Yes-" Natalia and Desiree answered in unison.

"NO!" Derek cut in over the top of them. "No its not a date. She just…Desiree invited her and..Spencer I'm not on a date." Derek took in the sight of Cam caressing Spencer's chest. "_I'm_not on a date but it looks like _you_ are." Derek spat.

"Me?" Spencer croaked.

"Yeah you. I thought you didn't like clubs Spencer. At least that's what you've always told me whenever I would suggest going to one. I thought you didn't like dancing and I sure as hell thought you didn't like black leather pants, nail polish and guy liner!" Derek thundered

"I- I…"

"You what Spencer? You aren't here dressed like _that_? You aren't slutting it up on the dance floor? You aren't standing here being felt up by your _friend? _What? I called you, you know. I was actually worried about you, but I guess I shouldn't have been. Just what have you been up to the last few days huh?" Derek yelled. Seeing Spencer out like this, doing things he'd absolutely refused to do with Derek but apparently had no problem doing with Cam, had hurt and angered him.

Spencer went from being hurt and confused to fierce anger. Derek did not get to be mad at him. He's the one who sent Spencer away and he's the one who showed up with some random woman clinging to his arm calling herself his date.

"What should I have been doing, Derek? Sitting at home, _alone,_waiting -"

"Shut up Spencer!" Derek had suddenly become hyper aware of Desiree's presence.

Spencer snapped. "Why should I shut up Derek? I thought you wanted to know what I'd been up to." Spencer turned to Desiree. "I've been terribly rude. Hello Desiree. Have you had a pleasant visit? Would _you _like to know what I've been up to the last few days?"

"Um…Spencer, I -" Desiree hadn't known what to say.

"Shut the fuck up Reid!" Derek roared.

"You shut the fuck up, Derek!" Cameron yelled. "Don't you ever talk to Spencer like that!"

"Oh hell no, you don't talk to my brother like that! I'm not having it!" Desiree stepped forward, ready to defend Derek.

"Oh you're not? Then maybe you, your brother and the _whore," _Cam jerked a thumb at Natalia, "you rode in on should get the hell out of Spencer's face."

"Who are you calling a whore?" Natalia shrieked.

Cam rolled her eyes at Natalia. "Aww look Spencer, she's a _stupid_ whore. Do I need to clap the syl-la-bles so you can understand all the big words?"

"Bitch-" Natalia began

"One of the baddest ones you'll ever meet." Cameron broke in, hands on her hips

Derek watched the scene in horror, and decided that he needed to take control of the situation or they were headed toward an all out brawl.

"Desi, Natalia…let's just go." Derek had tried to shepard the angry women away.

"Oh what you're leaving now?" Spencer sneered

Derek's temper failed him. "Yeah _Reid_ I'm leaving. You would think _you'd _know what that looks like. You know when someone leaves you, walks away, turns their back, figures out you aren't worth the trouble. Like your dad, Gideon, Elle-"

Spencer's fist connected with Derek's face before he even realized he was swinging. Cameron, Desiree and Natalia had been rendered motionless -and thankfully silent- with shock.

"Omigod! Derek, I'm so sorry! Its just when you threw it in my face-" Spencer had barely started his apology when he found himself on the ground seeing stars.

Derek stood over Spencer, eyes blazing, barely restraining himself. "You got a hell of a nerve Kid, a hell of a nerve." Derek then turned to walk away.

Spencer was a genius. He had known the smart thing to do was to let Derek walk away. However Spencer was also at the end of his emotional rope. He'd been miserable for three straight days, then ambushed. As if that wasn't bad enough, Derek had just taken one of Spencer's worst fears, one that he'd told him through tears and in confidence- that the people he loves leave because he's not good enough- and thrown it in his face. Two could play that game Spencer decided as he pushed himself up off the floor.

"Oh my God Spencer, are you ok?" Cam asked, helping Spencer up.

"I'm fine Cam." Spencer assured her. Spencer then smoothed his clothes and began to speak. "I do have some nerve, but that's ok. You like that about me. You like my nerve Derek." Spencer said evenly, looking not at Derek but at Desiree. "Just not as much as you like my cock." Spencer turned and fixed a look on Natalia. "I hope you enjoyed your date with _my boyfriend_. Did you dance with him yet? You really should, he's a great dancer but luckily for me as good as he is on the dance floor he's even better in bed. He does this thing with his tongue that-"

"You son of a bitch." Derek said quietly.

"My mother is nothing of the sort." Spencer haughtily replied. "C'mon Cam, I'm finished here." Spencer took Cam's hand and started walking away. He turned and looked at Desiree once more. "It was nice seeing you Desiree. Give my regards to Sarah and your mother." Spencer took Cam by the hand and they walked away, leaving Derek to deal with the fallout from Spencer's revelation.

"Derek?" Desiree looked at her brother. Despite her earlier suspicions she was still unprepared for the knowledge that her brother was not only sleeping with another man but in a relationship with one.

"Not now Desi." Derek replied. He could not believe he'd just been outted, and by Spencer of all people. He herded them all toward the exit, ignoring Spencer as he passed by him.

"Not now?" Derek are you crazy? Are you and Spencer…? Why didn't you say anything? Are you two serious? How long Derek? Were you-" Desi fired off question after question, not giving Derek a chance to respond.

"I said not now!" Derek nearly screamed back. "For the love of God Desi, just leave it alone for now."

"Fine Derek. I'll leave it alone. But you know mama won't. And don't even _think_about asking me to keep quiet about this. You've kept enough secrets for the both of us." Desiree stalked away.

Natalia laid a comforting hand on Derek's bicep. "I'm sure it will be ok Derek. I've never seen a family with more love between them. Desi's just…shocked that's all. If you ask me though, " She ran her hand down to Derek's forearm, "its not that big of a deal and it shouldn't matter. I still think you're pretty fabulous and if you and Spencer can't work things out…feel free to call me."

"Um, thank you." Derek didn't know what else to say and he led Natalia out of the club. They caught up with Desiree outside and Derek resigned himself to having one of the most uncomfortable conversations with his mother that he'd ever had.


	10. Use Somebody

A/N This chapter kept insisting on going to the dark side, but hopefully I reined it in enough to so that it's not too disturbing. I hope I didn't get too dark or too preachy. **WARNING MENTIONS OF SEXUAL ABUSE, PHYSICAL ABUSE, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ALLUSION TO NON-CON AND (POSSIBLE) DUBIOUS CONSENT.**

**Chapter 9: Use Somebody**

"Well somebody had a heaping helping of self esteem for breakfast." Cam had said, as she pressed a makeshift ice pack to Spencer's face.

"What did I just do?" Spencer had moaned as he sat at the bar in a state of shock.

"What you just did was stand up for yourself. It was brave and hot and chock full of testosterone and alpha maleness. I'm super proud of you Spencer." Cam had stated firmly.

"Cam, I just outted Derek to his sister! _I hit him_! He must hate me now. I deserve for him to hate me now. I hit him. What kind of person does that to someone they love?" Spencer had been completely disgusted with himself and his actions.

"The kind that had been told by their lover that they weren't good enough to be anything other than a dirty little secret, then had said lover show up with some woman attached to his hip claiming to be his date and then having had his biggest emotional scar ripped open and salt poured in the wound. I'm pretty sure all that would bring out the pimp slap in Mahatma Gandhi." Cam replied.

"That's no excuse. I had no excuse. There's never an excuse to be violent with your partner. You learn in pre-school you can't hit people just because they make you mad-"

"I didn't. Markus Danielson stomped on my sandcastle and I wailed on him with my shovel and pail. I got time out, he got stitches." Cam had grinned and stuck out her hand, "Cameron Cavanaugh, kicking ass and taking names since '87."

"Cam, I'm serious. My lack of self control is disturbing. If Derek were a girl-" Spencer had said as he'd shaken his head.

"You would have walked away and I would have folded girl-Derek like a piece of paper." Cam had cut in hotly.

"Cameron! The fact that we're both men doesn't make it ok. What, you think domestic abuse rules don't apply same sex couples? There's no excuse for what I did, Cam. None." Spencer had been firm on that point.

Cam had been undeterred. "Spencer you are not abusive! Are you kidding me? You would never, could never abuse someone. Spencer, at the risk of sounding like a five year old…he started it. Ok, fine, you're right. Hitting the person you're sleeping with is not cool, and it's not something I would put up with from my partner. I get that, I do but don't sit there and act like you just went Captain Caveman for no reason and with no provocation. You were wrong to hit him but you had every right to be angry with him and let him know that."

Spencer had sighed. "I was wrong Cam and I know that you're-"

"Completely, absolutely, without condition or restraint totally Team Spencer?" Cam interrupted with a smile.

"I was thinking more along the lines of supportive." Spencer had grinned, then thought of Derek and sobered immediately. "But I had no right to hit him or to out him. If his mom…Cam if she can't deal with us, he'll never forgive me. I know you don't get it, I know that a person's sexuality doesn't matter to you, but everyone's not as tolerant as that. Coming out, especially to the people closest to you, knowing they might not accept it, accept you, unless you've ever had to do it you can't ever understand how hard it is. Derek's mom, she's never really been able to accept that part of who he is, and because of how badly she reacted he's never told his sisters."

Spencer had become quiet as he continued his explanation. "His mom isn't a bad person, she's actually pretty great and she loves him, but…there's things in his past that muddy the waters and make it that much more painful and complicated for everyone. Add to that how much Derek loves his family, how responsible he feels for them, how much he feels its his duty to protect them after his father's death, their guilt about-" Spencer stopped, Carl Buford was not his secret to tell, "There's a lot Cam. Derek had valid reasons to be fearful. His mother, his family, it's his anchor, his foundation. Derek's gone through pure hell and his family, that love, being able to count on it and hold onto it, was the only thing that got him through."

Spencer thought about how Derek had kept the abuse he suffered a secret, in part to spare his mother and sisters from the pain. He had needed Cam to understand it wasn't Derek being selfish that had led him to keep their relationship a secret, it was a matter of Derek being terrified. "Derek would do anything for them and it would break him to lose them. You won't ever know what he's done, what he's been willing to go through to protect them, to make them proud, to be able to be the man he promised his father he would be and take care of them. It would break me if I'm the reason why it all falls apart for him." Spencer had finished softly.

Cam sighed. "I won't pretend to understand. You've met my parents. I could be your next UnSub and it wouldn't matter to them. They're totally ride or die when it comes to us kids. I get it, it's complicated, there are clearly things you know that I don't or you wouldn't be so understanding. Even so, I still think Derek should have told his mother about you two a long time ago. It's not fair to anyone to keep you two a secret and it's not fair to Derek to live half a life, or expect you to."

"Maybe Cam but short of her walking in on us in bed this was the absolute worst way for her to find out. I don't know what came over me. I've never been that angry or jealous or…evil before." Spencer had said. "If someone had outed me to my mom before I was ready I would have never forgiven them for it."

"Spencer Reid, you could never be evil. Yeah you unleashed the sarcastic beast, and ok you might have been a teeny, tiny bit out of line, but I maintain you'd been sufficiently provoked. Spencer, this isn't _all_ your fault. Derek shares a huge part of the blame for what went down here tonight."

Spencer had looked at Cam. "_Derek_ does?"

Cam had blushed. "Fine. Maybe, _maybe_ I didn't help matters any."

"Maybe?" Spencer had arched an eyebrow.

"I may have, possibly, somewhat, a little bit antagonized Derek, his sister and that hooker, um I mean, woman they were with." Cam conceded.

"May have?"

"Spencer, that's as good as it's gonna get." Cam crossed her arms and shrugged. "And you and I both know I'd probably do it again. Besides this is about you, not me. And you, Spencer Reid are a good man, and Derek would be fool to let you go." She gave Spencer a quick kiss on the forehead. "Now, even though I maintain that you can do much, much better than Derek Morgan you clearly disagree and this is one occasion in which I will defer to your judgment. Do you want to be with Derek? If you still want a relationship with him even after what tonight turned into-which for future reference was NOT my fault-you might have to fight for it."

"What if he says there's nothing left to fight for?" Spencer whispered.

"Then you'll be all sad and heart broken but you'll survive Spencer. It'll hurt and it'll suck but I know you'll survive. What you wouldn't survive is if you never even try. The doubt and the guilt would drag you under. You love Derek and even though he's not my favorite person right now, that's good enough for me. I have to admit you've been the happiest I've ever seen you in the past few months. He's your best friend, your confidante, your lover; he understands you, your work, and your land of misfit toys that you call friends…that's a lot to give up without a fight." Cam finished and looked at him.

Spencer sighed. "You realize this proves my hypothesis. Going out with you always ends in disaster."

"Oh come on Doc, dramatic much? _Always_ is a bit of an exaggeration. And tonight had its high points." Cam reasoned.

Spencer's eyebrows had shot up. "Cam! Are you suffering from some sort of delusion? Tonight has to be at the very top of a very long list of nights out with you that have been a complete debacle. What possible good came out of tonight?"

Cam had cocked her hand to the side and smiled at Spencer. "You won the fight." She pointed out. "Yeah, he knocked you down, but then you were a big boy and used your words and verbally kicked his ass," Cam grabbed Spencer off the bar, "Now c'mon. You're taking me home then going to Derek's and pulling a Cusack."

"Pulling a what?"

Cam had looked at him and sighed in exasperation. "Adds watch Say Anything to the list of things to do with Spencer Reid. Long story short, you and Derek are on the outs and you need to do your version of a boom box serenade. The grand gesture, something that will show Derek how much he means to you, how far you're willing to go for the two of you. In your case, going to him is a grand gesture in and of itself. You see major emotional trauma coming and you tend to-"

"Run screaming in the opposite direction?" Spencer supplied ruefully.

"Something like that." Cam said. "Now c'mon. The longer you take the longer he has to be mad. Just…remember that even though you crossed a line tonight so did he. He doesn't have a whole lot of room to throw stones."

As they made their way to the exit, Spencer felt a hard smack on his backside. He yelped, turned around and found himself face to face with Penelope Garcia, her boyfriend Kevin Lynch, Emily Prentiss and…David Rossi?

"Well, well, Dr. Delicious, fancy meeting you here. Smile pretty." Garcia had her camera phone out snapping pictures.

"What…how…_Dave_?" Spencer squeaked.

"I'm here under protest," Dave smirked taking in Spencer's appearance, "anything you wanna share Reid?"

Spencer turned crimson. "Uh…"

"Cameron Cavanaugh, nice to meet you all." Cam had stepped up and grabbed Spencer's arm, pulling him toward the exit. "Spencer would love to stay and chat, but we were on our way out. It was lovely running into you." She had deftly maneuvered Spencer off the dance floor and out the club before any of them could speak.

"Thanks Cam." Spencer had breathed once they got out to the car.

"Don't mention it. Now let's get me home so you can go get your man."

* * *

Inside the club, the foursome had been in a mild state of shock.

"Who knew Spencer could look so…" Emily trailed off

"Hot, yummy, delish, sexy, fuckable?" Penelope supplied with a glint in her eye, going over the photos she'd taken ignoring the glare Kevin was giving her.

"Exactly, I mean, its Reid! Mismatched sock wearing, ugly sweater vest having, nerdy, adorable Reid. Who knew he had _that_ in him?" Emily had questioned.

"Apparently Morgan." Dave deadpanned. _And Hotch_ his brain supplied.

At the mention of Morgan, Penelope had snapped to attention. "Who was that woman with Spencer? Why was that woman with Spencer? Does Derek know her? How does Spencer even know someone like her? Did you see her, and that dress she had on?"

"Oh _yeah."_Kevin answered, earning himself a jab in the ribs by Penelope.

"I'm sure everything is fine. And if its not, that's up to Reid and Morgan to sort out." Dave interrupted, effectively ending the discussion.

* * *

Derek had sat on his couch, shirtless in his pajama bottoms, unshed tears burning his throat and eyes. He had finished glass of Courvoisier and poured himself another, trying to both block out the memory of the last hour and numb himself from the pain he was feeling. He was well past drunk and heading toward oblivion but he didn't care.

The conversation with his mother and sisters had been a nightmare. After Desiree had filled them in on what happened at the club, Derek had spent the next hour defending himself, his relationship with Spencer and his sexuality.

Fran Morgan had been in a state of shock. She had at first refused to believe Desiree, insisting she had somehow misunderstood or Spencer had been lying. When Derek confirmed that he was seeing Spencer and had been for several months she'd nearly fainted and then asked him how he could do such a thing to her. Derek had thought she was talking about being in a relationship with a man and when he'd tried to explain that he knew she didn't approve of his bisexuality had gotten the shock of his life.

"Derek, I've had years to come to terms with that. I won't lie, I'm not overjoyed about it, but I've made my peace with it. You are who you are and nothing would ever change how much I love you. What hurts me so much right now is that you didn't trust me enough to tell me about you and Spencer, that you felt you had to hide someone you love from me. I can only imagine how that made Spencer feels, you treating him like some shameful secret. I raised you better than that. Derek, when I married your father I encountered my fair share of intolerance and prejudice. That you think I would ever subject someone else to that…Derek it hurts. I thought after everything that happened after we found out about Carl…I thought you finally trusted me to be there for you to be strong enough to handle things and help you through them. I can see I was wrong." His mother had sadly told him.

Derek didn't have time to respond to his mother because Desiree spoke up just then.

"What do you mean you've come to terms with it? Its not right mama. This is all Carl Buford's fault. If it weren't for him Derek wouldn't be-"

"Oh shut up Desi! Derek wouldn't be what? Successful, compassionate, caring, kind, strong, amazing and crazy in love with his best friend? Carl Buford gets credit for NOTHING where Derek is concerned." Sarah seethed. "Derek being gay, bi, whatever is so not a big deal. He's still Derek and for you to even begin to compare his being molested as a child to him having a loving, consensual relationship as an adult is all kinds of wrong."

"It is a big deal! If it hadn't been for Carl, none of this would be happening. And you all didn't see Spencer tonight. He looked like some kind of deviant. He probably took advantage of Derek just like-"

"Don't." Derek cut in, steel in his voice. "Don't finish that sentence. Don't you ever again, _**ever again,**_ compare Spencer to Carl Buford. Spencer is nothing, _**NOTHING**_ like Carl. Spencer-"

"Took advantage of you somehow!" Desiree shrieked. "I don't know how, but he did. You're not gay. This is all his fault. It has to be. He -"

"Was a fucking virgin until I came along Desi! Meanwhile, I've had sex with more women _and men_than I can count. Who do you think took advantage of whom?" Derek snapped.

"Seriously Desi? Is that what you would tell a friend who came out to you? That they aren't gay and its wrong and their lover is some sort of sleaze?" Sarah was incensed. "What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing is wrong with me. I would never, ever not support one of my friends-"

"But you have no problem not supporting your brother?" Derek questioned sadly.

"I am supporting you! This is different. You're confused-"

"No, I'm bisexual. I like women. I like men. I love Spencer. I am not confused about any of that." Derek had said simply.

"Seems crystal clear to me." Sarah chimed in. "I like Spencer and I love you," She said kissing Derek on the cheek, "That's all I need to know. The rest," She shot a dark look to Desiree," is your business and doesn't matter. But Derek, next time there's something this ginormous I hope you trust me enough to let me in."

"I, I…" Derek couldn't speak.

"How could you Derek?" Desiree's voice broke in. She walked over and slapped him hard across the face. "How could you? You know better. Daddy would be so disappointed in you, he'd be so ashamed!" She turned and ran out into the bathroom.

"Desiree!" His mother cried out and hurried after her. Derek was stunned.

"Hey, Dere Bear, "Sarah said calling him by a childhood nickname. "You know she's wrong. Daddy would be proud of you. Desiree is just shocked. Give it time, it's all going to be ok. Just- just go home. Call Spencer, work stuff out with him and give mom and Desi some time to cool down." Sarah kissed him and walked him to the door. "I promise it will all be ok."

Derek doesn't remember how he got home, coming inside, getting undressed or getting drunk. What he does remember is being hit. Twice in one night, by people who claimed to love him. That was a trigger and Derek could feel it coming, tried to block it out, ward it off, but the flashback crept in and overtook him.

"_What did you just say to me boy?"_

"_N-n-no. I -I said n-n-no. I don't want to. I don't like it, I don't want it. Please, Please no."_

"_Are you really this ungrateful? I'm not asking you for much, Derek. After all I've done for you, all I'm doing for you, you gone tell me no? You gone do that to me? To your mama, your sisters? I love you boy, I'm just trying to show you love."_

"_I DON'T WANT IT. I DON'T WANT TO!"_

Vicious slaps. The feeling of being dragged across wooden floors. _I love you._ Slap. Crying. Pain.

Clooney's barking dragged Derek out of the memory. He poured himself another drink. Then another, and still yet another. _Block it out, drown it out, make it go away, please God just make it go away._ Derek sank down into the couch cushions, sobbing, screaming into the pillows until he exhausted himself and slipped into unconsciousness.

* * *

Desiree was fuming. She didn't understand how Derek could be with another man. She didn't have a problem with gay people, but her brother was not one of them. This whole thing was so unlike him. Clearly he was still going through some sort of trauma from what Carl had done to him. Spencer was a nice enough guy, but her brother liked women. He liked-

"Natalia!" Desiree exclaimed. Desiree gave a quick look around. Her mother and sister had gone for a walk. She only had a few moments. She quickly took out her cell phone and dialed.

"Natty, don't talk just listen." She blurted out when her friend picked up. "I need you to do me a favor. Please go over to Derek's. Things went bad here and he was a wreck when he left. He doesn't need to be alone and we all need some space from each other right now. Could you just go check on him? Please?"

"Desi…I like Derek. He's gorgeous, funny, charming, everything you said he was-"

"So you'll go?" Desi broke in excitedly.

"Desi, he has a boyfriend! I don't do the whole home wrecker bit."

Desiree bit her lip. She didn't have anything against Spencer but he wasn't what she wanted for her brother. "Not anymore they broke up." She lied

"Wait, so he's free and clear?"

Desiree heard her mother and sister come back into the room. "Totally. Look I gotta go but I'll text you his address."

"But-"

Desiree disconnected and then sent Natalia the information. She prayed her intervention would work.

Derek awoke to the sound of explosions. He sat up slowly and blinked. It wasn't explosions, it was his front door. Someone was knocking at his front door. _Spencer_. Derek's heart cried out. Spencer was here, it was going to be ok.

Derek stumbled to the door, fumbling with the locks. "Immso glad you comed," Derek slurred as he opened the door.

"Really? I'm so glad to hear that. I was worried that you might not want to see me," Natalia invited herself in and closed the door behind her.

"Nuh-Talia?" Derek said slurred.

Clooney barked and growled at Natalia. "Oh my, he doesn't look too happy to see me." She tried to joke.

"Cloo-ney L'ndry room!" Derek ordered, with much less authority and accuracy than usual. Clooney was well trained though, so he simply growled again and went off toward the laundry room. Derek stumbled after him and closed him in. "Sowrry 'bout dat."

Natalia took in his heavily lidded eyes, slightly weaving stance, slurring words and bottle of cognac on the table and quickly deduced he was drunk. _Drunk but still cute, _she thought to herself.

"Talia, tanks fo cumming, but I's tired now. Gonna go bed." Derek weaved and stumbled his way down the hall and into his bedroom. He fell across the bed. He wanted Spencer. He needed Spencer. Spencer wasn't there. He was alone. Derek started to sob again and then felt a light touch on his shoulder.

"Derek, Derek its ok. It's ok. I know it hurts to lose someone you love, but it'll get better in time and if you want, I can make it better for tonight." Natalia had followed Derek into the bedroom and was gently caressing his head and shoulders.

"I lost someone I love." Derek repeated. He was confused. Who did he lose? Had his mom changed her mind? Did Desiree disown him?

"I know you loved Spencer, and I'm sorry you two are over but I'm here and I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to." Natalia cooed.

_Spencer and I are over?_Derek didn't understand. When did they break up? How did Natalia know? The alcohol made him feel like he was wrapped in several layers of gossamer and everything was distorted.

"Spencer and I are over." He repeated

Natalia mistook the question for a statement. "Yes, I know you and Spencer are over, but Derek, honey, I'm here for you."

_We're over?_ Derek thought. He tried to remember the last time he saw Spencer. They'd fought. Derek had hurt him, he'd hurt Derek. They hit each other. What did Spencer say? _"I'm finished here."_He walked away. He said he was finished and he walked away. Fresh sobs tore out of Derek's throat. Spencer was gone, they were done. He'd lost him, they were over. Derek felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest.

"Oh Derek, oh baby its ok, its ok." Natalia slipped into bed behind him and dropped kisses along his spine and shoulders. "Let me make it better baby. Let me take it away."

_Take it away._ Derek wanted it all to go away. The pain, the fear, the memories. He was bending, breaking, he needed Spencer but Spencer was gone. The pain blinded him. It was covering him, he couldn't stop it, it was too much, too strong, too big.

"Please." He whispered, fisting the comforter, navy blue silk that he'd brought because he was thinking of the way Spencer's skin would look against it and the matching sheets underneath. "Please make it stop." He wasn't talking to Natalia. It was Derek's personal prayer. It was what he'd said over and over as a kid lying in the dark, plagued by nightmares of watching his father die. It was what he said when Carl Buford came into his life and taught him nightmares could happen in broad daylight when you're wide awake. It was what he said when he was overcome by horrors of the job. It was what he said every time the fear flowed through his veins when Spencer was in danger. "Please, please, please just make it stop." He sobbed. He repeated it over and over, until the tears started to stop and his body started to go slack.

"Shh baby, I got this. I got you. Just relax and let me take care of you." Natalia quickly stripped down to her bra and panties and slid back into bed with Derek. She gently began to lick and nibble a trail up and down his spine and lightly nip at his earlobe. "I'll make it all better, I promise."

Derek felt Natalia's ministrations to his body but he just couldn't respond. He was too tired and too drunk to do anything other than pass out, so that's just what he did.

"Does that feel good baby?" Natalia asked Derek as she slipped a hand down his pajama pants. "Hmmm…does it?" Derek didn't respond to either her question or her touch. "Derek?" She felt his deep even breathing and realized he'd fallen asleep.

She was a bit insulted but realized he'd had a rough night. She crept out of bed and went back into the living room. She cleaned up the mess she found there, made sure to load the coffee machine and got bottles of water, fruit juice and sports drink out of the refrigerator and went back into the bedroom and dropped them on the bedside table. She then went into the bathroom and got a bottle of aspirin and set it next to the other supplies. She went back over to the bed and, after a brief struggle, managed to get Derek under the covers. She then climbed back into bed with Derek, wrapped her arms around him and fell asleep.

* * *

Spencer had dropped Cam off at home, driven to Derek's lost his nerve, and then driven back home. He wanted to talk to Derek, but he couldn't bring himself to face him just yet. Despite Cam's insistence he needed to "pull a Cusack" Spencer was sure he and Derek both needed at least one night to clear their heads and calm down.

Spencer sat on his couch, in his pajamas, staring at the muted television. He was scared, he was in pain and he was full of regret. It was three in the morning and he was alone, which was the very last thing he wanted to be. He got up, grabbed his house keys and his messenger bag, put on his slippers and made his way up the stairs to Cam's apartment.

Spencer quickly knocked three times. Doubt niggled at the corners of his mind. It was late, they'd gone out, and Cam might be sleeping. Spencer was about to turn around and shuffle back down the stairs when the door opened.

Cameron took one look at Spencer and stepped back so he could enter. "You didn't talk to him yet did you?" She asked softly.

"I can't, not tonight. After everything that happened, we both need some space. I'll go over in the morning and pray he'll talk to me, but I can't tonight." Spencer explained. He stood in the entry way, shifting back and forth. "I just…I don't want to be alone." He added in broken whisper.

Cam gently pulled Spencer into the apartment. Once inside, she waited while he put down his keys and shrugged off his messenger bag. She pulled him down the hall into her bedroom. As soon as they got in the room, she turned on the Tallis Fantasia to help Spencer relax and set the timer on flameless candles to bathe the room in a soft glow. Spencer slid under the covers and Cam came to join him. She leaned over and placed a chaste kiss on his forehead. She slid over until she was lying with her head on his chest and listened as his heart rate slowed and his breathing calmed down.

"Thank you Cam." Barely audible, it broke the stillness and calm of the night.

"Like I said earlier, completely, absolutely, without condition or restraint, totally Team Spencer. You never, ever have to ask and you never, ever have to thank me. Now let's get some sleep. In the morning, I'm making waffles."

"I like waffles." Spencer replies sleepily.

"Adds watch Shrek to the list of things to do with Spencer Reid." Cameron mumbles before snuggling into Spencer and drifting off.


	11. To The Left, To The Left

A/N This chapter doesn't lean toward the dark side as much as the last one but just to be on the safe side the same warnings apply and Sarcastic Spencer is…Sarcastic. Also, thank you guys so much for the reviews and the feedback and for the interest in my story. Its so appreciated and it keeps me motivated to write more.

**Chapter 10 Everything You Own In A Box To The Left**

Spencer had awakened the next morning to the smell of blueberry waffles, coffee and the muted strains of a Prince song coming from the kitchen. He had stretched, rubbed his eyes and was about to get up when Cam had materialized in the doorway carrying a breakfast tray.

"You don't cook." Spencer had said surprised and pleased. He'd thought she'd been joking about the waffles.

"Mrs. Zacharra does, and when I mention your name they deliver. Now lie back, and enjoy." Cam had sat the tray on the bed and climbed in beside Spencer. She grabbed the remote and turned on the tv. "Your choice: Real Housewives or Dr. Who?" Cam asked Spencer as she drowned her waffles in syrup.

"Dr. Who." Spencer replied, sipping his coffee. "Cam-" Spencer had begun.

"Spencer, eat your waffles, watch the Doctor and relax. You are in bed with a smoking hot babe, eating delicious waffles, drinking the best coffee in the city and watching Dr. Who. Enjoy it; your day will get bumpy soon enough."

Spencer's stomach had tied into knots at the thought of seeing Derek.

Cam cast a sidelong glance at Spencer. "Freaking out won't do you any good. Just eat your waffles, drink your coffee and know that no matter what happens I got your back."

"Thanks Cam."

"I'd have your front too, if you let me." She grinned.

Spencer had shaken his head. "You're impossible. Pass the syrup."

An hour later Spencer had found himself pulling into Derek's driveway. He had seen an unfamiliar car parked on the street but didn't pay much attention to it, he was far too nervous about how his conversation with Derek was going to go. In his lap he had an assortment of Derek's favorite pastries from Zacharra's, including the apple pie he'd had the very night they'd gone there together. The night they'd become lovers. He hoped that was enough of a grand gesture for Derek. He sat, giving himself a pep talk trying to work up the nerve to go to the door.

Natalia had woken up slowly. She'd taken a moment to remind herself where she was smiled, and then frowned. Her first night with Derek hadn't exactly gone according to plan. He'd passed out drunk. She looked over at him. He was sure to have a hang over…she'd decided she'd give him a pleasant wake up call.

She had run a hand across Derek's chest, tweaking a nipple. She nibbled on his ear and lightly sucked the skin on his neck. Derek had let out a slight groan and shifted a bit. Natalia had taken that as a sign of encouragement and slid her hand down inside Derek's pajama pants. She took his length into her hand and gave a slight squeeze. Derek had shifted again, so she'd increased the pressure, and stroked him to a semi hard state. She slithered down Derek's body, licking, sucking and gently biting her way to his cock.

Derek had been reluctantly pulled out of his stupor. His head had been pounding, he'd been groggy, he felt as if he was wrapped in layers of gauze and everything was distorted. He realized he was being fondled and immediately thought _Spencer_…but something was off. Maybe his hangover was throwing him off.

Derek had struggled to focus. The night before was coming back in bits and pieces. Dinner with his family, his surprise date, the club, Spencer, their fight, and …Natalia. She had been in his home, in his bed. But how? Why?

Natalia had sensed Derek awakening. She'd decided to up the ante. She grabbed the base of Derek's shaft and licked up to the head. She then swirled her tongue around the head and began to suck him into her warm, wet mouth. Natalia could tell she was starting to make Derek feel really good. He had bucked slightly into her mouth and had his hands in her hair. She hummed and took him deeper

Derek let a hand drift down. His fingers found their way around sleek strands of hair. Definitely not Spencer's. It was too long, not soft enough and just…wrong. Like the mouth around his cock. It was wet and warm and willing and it felt good, but it was…wrong. Derek cracked one eye open, then the other, fought for focus and then looked down.

Natalia. Natalia was in his bed, sucking his cock. Natalia, not Spencer. This wasn't right. He couldn't do this, not with her. "S-stop." Derek had said. He hadn't wanted to hurt her so he'd gently tried to push her off.

Natalia hadn't known what brought about the change in Derek's mood. She'd released his cock from her mouth and looked up at him. "Morning sleepy head. Did you like your new alarm clock?" She had teased.

Derek hag retreated back against the headboard and dragged his boxers and pj's back up, then turned and sat on the edge of his side of the bed. "Natalia…this, you and me, _this_ can't happen. I don't know how you ended up in my bed, but you need to go. I can't…not with you. I love Spencer and he'd never forgive me-"

"Spencer?" Natalia questioned. "You two broke up. Remember?"

"What? No…we didn't. I don't-"

"You and Desiree both told me last night Derek. She called me and said you'd broken up and I got here and you said you lost him and that it was over. You were pretty drunk and you passed out a little while later. I stayed to make sure you'd be ok" So that wasn't entirely true, but Natalia had figured Derek didn't need to know all the details. She didn't want him to know how willing she'd been to take advantage of the situation.

"Spencer and I broke up?" Derek hadn't been able to wrap his head around it. He'd thought it was partly because of his hangover and partly because the idea of him and Spencer being over was unfathomable. Bits and pieces of the previous 24 hours churned around in his brain but they were all disjointed and meshed with bad memories. He couldn't believe he'd lost the love of his life. Derek had pulled the comforter up over him and put his head in his hands.

He got more flashes of the previous night. He remembered him and Spencer fighting. Gideon? .Why was he thinking of Gideon? He'd said something about Gideon to Spencer that's why. Spencer hit him. Spencer hit him because-

"Oh my God." He remembered what he'd said to Spencer. "_Yeah Reid I'm leaving. You would think you'd know what that looks like. You know when someone leaves you, walks away, turns their back, figures out you weren't worth the trouble. Like your dad, Gideon, Elle-"_

"How could I have said that to him?" Derek had felt sick and he'd known it wasn't because of the hangover. He knew why Spencer had hit him and he knew he'd deserved it.

"Derek he wasn't exactly pulling any punches last night." Natalia said.

Derek had scarely heard her. He had hurt Spencer. He had hurt his family. He didn't know what to do. He'd felt like he was sinking into quicksand. He'd fought back tears.

"Thank you for staying last night, "He said shakily. "But I think you need to go now."

Natalia smiled internally. There was no way she was leaving a half-naked Derek Morgan alone in bed. "Derek," She said, "I don't want to leave you like this. You're hurting. Derek, I can help with that. I know you still love Spencer and your heart is breaking right now and I can't stop that. I know things with your family is complicated and I can't do anything about that either, but Derek, I can help you forget about it, for just a little while. I can help you feel good. Don't you want to feel good Derek?" Natalia had kneeled on the bed behind Derek and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. He'd stiffened but didn't move away. She'd then begun to nibble and lick his ear. "Let me make it go away Derek. I promise I can make you feel good."

Natalia had gotten up and come around to stand in front of Derek. She'd caressed his head and then lowered herself down so she straddled his lap. She'd tried to capture his mouth in a kiss but he'd kept turning away. She ground herself into his lap and sucked on his neck and felt a little thrill of triumph when she felt his body start to stir.

Derek had wanted to forget. He had wanted to forget the look on Spencer's face when he'd hit him. He had wanted to forget Desiree's reaction to his coming out. He had wanted to forget his mother's pain. He wanted to forget Hotch's words about his trust issues. He wanted to forget everything. Natalia was offering that, she was willing to help him forget.

He'd put his hands on her hips and flipped her over onto the mattress. She'd scooted back and pulled Derek's body over hers. He'd known she wanted him to kiss her but he couldn't. He didn't know why, he just knew that he couldn't. He'd begun suckling her neck and running his hands up and down her body. She shifted her body until he was lying in between her thighs. Derek's hand had closed over the swell of her breast and she'd let out a moan. He massaged the soft flesh and then pulled down her bra strap, kissing and nibbling her shoulder. She'd run her nails up his back and wrapped her legs around him, arching up against him. Derek had groaned and bit into her neck.

Spencer had decided it was now or never. He'd forced himself out of his car and up to Derek's door. He'd started to knock then he thought better of it. Derek might not let him in. In a move that would have made Cam proud, Spencer decided to use his key and let himself in.

The first sign he'd seen that anything was amiss was that Clooney was in the laundry room. Spencer knew that Derek never put Clooney in the laundry room unless he had company. _Maybe Clooney chewed something while Derek was out._Spencer had tried to shake off his misgivings.

The second sign was that the coffee maker had still been full. But one glance on the counter had proven to Spencer Derek hadn't filled it. It was Spencer's Jamaican Blue Mountain, not Derek's usual brand. Spencer felt the cold dread creep over his body.

The third sign had been the moan. It was quiet, but it was pleasure filled and it came from Derek's bedroom. A moan which he could have shrugged off as Derek pleasuring himself…if it had been Derek moaning.

Spencer had known he had a decision to make. He could go into Derek's bedroom and see what he knew was there and have the confrontation he knew would occur or he could simply go back out the way he came.

Spencer Reid is not one for confrontations. Confrontations have always ended badly for him. He was always too something to come out on top: too small, too young, too sensitive, and too reluctant to be cruel. Last night was the closest he'd ever come to winning a confrontation and if the hollow, empty feeling he'd had ever since meant he'd won then he'd gladly never win again. Spencer had turned to leave. And then it happened.

Derek had groaned.

That sound, that sound that Spencer had heard countless times in the past few months. He'd heard it in the shower, in the front seat of Derek car, on his kitchen counter, in anonymous hotels across the country, in his bed, in Derek's bed and on JJ's living room floor. That sound that was supposed to _his._

Suddenly, a confrontation had been exactly what Spencer wanted.

He had sat down the pastries on the kitchen island. He _would_be taking those with him when he left, he'd decided.

Derek wanted to forget, but forgetting had proved impossible. He didn't want to think about Spencer. He didn't want to feel the pain of losing him. He didn't. He wanted to take what Natalia was offering and just lose himself in it, but he hadn't been able to. The simple truth was she wasn't who he wanted and this wasn't what he needed. The answer to both of those was Spencer.

Natalia arched her body against his and breathes into his ear all the things she wants to do to him and all the things she wants him to do to her. He hadn't been listening. He'd closed his eyes, and tried to find a way to make everything ok. There had been no heat when she ran her hands across his body, her touch left him cold. There had been no thrill of anticipation when she'd pressed against him, making promises of pleasure with every curve. All he felt was wrong. Her body felt wrong, her voice sounded wrong, her touch was wrong and Derek couldn't do overlook it anymore. Natalia moved to slide Derek's pajama pants off, called him Daddy and that had confirmed for Derek it was time to end things. This was all wrong. He wanted Spencer and there was no substitute for that. He placed a hand on top of hers, stopping her.

"Natalia, you're-" Derek began

"Doing it wrong. " Spencer's voice cut in from the doorway. Natalia made a muffled scream and Derek nearly fell out of the bed as he recoiled away from her, staring in open mouthed shock at Spencer as he stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame, arms crossed over his chest, mouth quirked in an expression of mock sympathy, eyebrow raised, looking the picture of relaxation.

Spencer had continued as if he'd been giving a lecture. "He actually prefers it if you nibble on his left ear. The right one is ticklish. Also, you really should try to be a little more vocal. Talk to him, the dirtier the better, but for future reference, calling him daddy, like you just did, it's a sure fire way to kill the moment, which is what I suspect he was about to tell you."

Natalia scrambled to cover herself and Derek kept opened and closed his eyes as if he could blink Spencer away. Spencer pushed himself off the doorframe and walked over to the bedside table. He clucked his tongue at Derek, "Hungover? I suggest you stick with the juice and forego the aspirin and the coffee in the kitchen-which by the way," he adds as he'd thrown Natalia a scathing look, "is the wrong brand. Derek doesn't drink Jamaican Blue. He's a Folger's kind of guy."

Natalia found her voice first. "Spencer, I didn't think-"

"You didn't think what? That sleeping with someone else's boyfriend was a bad thing?" He asked her, his tone incredibly patient.

"No, I mean yes that's a terrible thing, but I thought you two broke up! Desiree told me you did and then Derek confirmed it! I'm not-"

Spencer had searched his memory for a phrase Garcia had used to describe a girl who had wanted to have an affair with Kevin. "A sideline hoe?" Spencer finished, walking back to the doorway. "Good for you. I guess you're just a regular hoe then." Spencer's eyes slid back to the bedside table and wondered just how drunk Derek had been last night. "And a desperate one at that. If the bounty displayed over there is any indication. Ever heard of the notion of informed consent?" He asked in his best SSA Dr. Spencer Reid voice.

"Nothing happened last night! I tried but he passed out before I could-" Natalia had stopped as she realized how low that made her sound.

Derek had looked at Natalia, the surprise evident on his face. Spencer smirked.

"Natalia, you might want to reconsider you courtship rituals. Date rape is generally frowned upon." Spencer cracked.

Natalia's mouth opened and closed but no sound came out. Derek tried to untangle himself from the comforter. Spencer stood in the doorway looking like the cat that ate the canary.

"By the way Derek, exactly when did this break up between us occur? Isn't it customary for both parties to be aware of the end of the relationship?"

"We aren't broken up?" Derek had asked confusion evident in his tone.

"We weren't when I got here. We most certainly are now." Spencer quipped.

_I'm going to kill Desiree,_Natalia thought. She had started to scramble into her clothes. "Spencer-Derek- I'm sorry, I am really sorry. This is all a huge misunderstanding. I know there isn't anything I can say to make this better or anything I can say that would make what I've done seem less selfish or wrong-"

"I completely agree." Spencer cut in. "Of course I could say you have the right to remain silent-"

"Spencer," Derek said, finally untangled from the sheets and walking towards Spencer. "I wish to God I could undo this, I wish I could go back and change the last few days baby-"

"Do you really? Let's just go grab Captain Jack and jump in the TARDIS then. You don't have one? Oh well then it seems you can't do that then can you Derek?" Spencer says mockingly.

Derek hadn't been able to handle Spencer's quiet, his control. He'd known he had to be hurting and if it had been him he'd be punching holes in the wall, yelling at the top of his lungs, coming completely unglued.

Natalia had felt like she needed to say something, anything to make herself look better. Spencer's mock reading of her rights had driven home just how out of line she'd been the night before.

They'd both begun to talk at the same time.

"Spencer I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to call me every name in the book-"

"Baby you have every right to be angry with me. I know what I did was wrong so please baby, just yell at me, call me names, hit me if-"

Spencer had laughed. "Thank you Derek. Thank you so much for giving me _permission_ to be angry with you right now. I don't know what I would have done without it," He turned to Natalia, "And you. I appreciate your permission so, so much. Funny though, I don't seem to recall giving _you_permission to sleep with _my boyfriend_. Dance with him yes, sleep with him? That would be a no. And I have an eidetic memory so…yeah. "

Spencer turned back to Derek. "There are no words in the English language, in any language that would describe how I feel about you right now. The worst part of all this Derek is that you were supposed to be my friend. My best friend."

Natalia grabbed her shoes and fled from the room. A moment later the front door slammed. "I think she had the right idea." Spencer said, turning to leave. Derek reached for him, desperate to stop him, to keep him there.

"Don't you touch me! Not after touching…don't you _ever_touch me again." Spencer said, he wanted to yell but he didn't. He didn't want to lose it; he didn't want to give Derek the satisfaction of seeing him completely unravel

"Spencer, please. I made a mistake. I love you, only you, always you. And I am your friend." Derek pleaded.

"You may have been Natalia's _friend_." Spencer spat, "But you are certainly not mine."

"Spencer I never meant for it to end up like this." Derek said helplessly.

"No, I'm sure you meant for it to end up with you having an orgasm." Spencer retorted.

"Baby I swear this is just one huge misunderstanding."

"So I've heard, except I'm a genius and I don't think there's any misunderstanding what I walked in on."

"Spencer-"

"Derek. She was here, in your house. In your bed. She sat at the dinner table with you and your family, something I apparently wasn't good enough for. Was this what little scene at the club was about? So you could have a good excuse to rut like a couple of farm animals-"

"Spencer it wasn't like that! I never meant to hurt you, not last night, not ever. I would do anything to keep you from being hurt. I would never want you to be in pain-" Derek shot out.

"Well I guess for once the great Derek Morgan didn't get what he wanted." Spencer replied.

"I am so, so sorry baby." Derek said

"Oh please spare me your apologies Derek. They literally mean nothing to me. You literally mean nothing to me." Spencer had turned, walking into the living room.

"I'm sorry Spencer!" Derek had followed him, hoping he find the words to make Spencer stop and stay.

"You're sorry? I expected so much more from you Derek." Spencer said

"I know. And you deserve so much more from me-" Derek begun

"No, I mean, I thought you would be able to do better than this." Spencer interrupted as he made a sweeping motion with his hand, "I'm_sorry Spencer. It was a misunderstanding Spencer. It wasn't what it looked like Spencer_. Derek, you have interrogated some of the most devious, complex criminal minds in the country, one would think you'd have picked up something in the way of justifying the unjustifiable. I mean, I can't even give you any points for originality." Spencer huffed.

"Spencer please."

"Please what Derek? I mean, you don't even have anything prepared. You've had months and you don't even have a speech at the ready." Spencer had admonished Derek.

"Months? Spencer I just met that woman last night-" Derek had been confused.

"But you've known the moment this started that you'd do this. So did I actually. I knew it, but I talked myself out of it. Let that be a lesson to me in following my instincts." Spencer had explained.

"NO! Look Spencer, at no point did I ever plan to cheat on you. I know when we started I was shaky, so were you but we worked through that. I didn't think I could do it. I didn't think I could open myself up, trust, be there for someone. I didn't think I deserved it, especially not from you. But, but baby we worked through that. My doubts, your insecurities, my fears and yours, we worked through it all-"

"I thought we had. Clearly I was wrong." Spencer had made his way over and picked up the pastries.

Derek had recognized the logo on the box and his heart had sunk as he'd realized that Spencer had come over to make up and he'd walked in on him in bed with another woman. "Spencer I know you don't believe me, but I was putting a stop to it. I couldn't-"

"I absolutely believe you. I was standing right there and I know you Derek, I know your triggers. She called you Daddy. All the Viagra in the world couldn't keep you up after that." Spencer replied.

"No, I mean, yes that makes me….but that's not why I was stopping! I had already decided I couldn't be with her, because I couldn't get my mind off of you. I love you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I know you hate me right now and I understand that, but Spencer I know underneath that you love me. Just like I love you and we can get past this, we can move past this. People do that, they move past this stuff. Last night, I have no idea what happened last night, I know it sounds like a cliché but I was drunk. And this morning…Spencer this whole thing it just happened-"

"No Derek it did not just happen. You made choices. I made choices. They led to this. And you know what? Right now, I'm making another choice. I'm choosing to take my pride and my dignity and my self respect and walk out that door. Don't touch me," Spencer had warned as Derek took a step into his personal space, "And don't try to stop me. I'm done. We're done. Anything you said at this point would only make it worse."

Spencer walked away but paused as he hit the front door. "Let Clooney out of the laundry room. Its mid morning and he probably needs to go. Drink the juice, take a multivitamin, drink plenty of water and get some sleep. I'll box up your stuff and you can come get it later. Preferably today as I don't wish to drag this out." Spencer had then turned the knob and walked out the door.

Derek had felt pain, actual physical pain as he'd watched Spencer leave. He'd stood there, looking at the door, wondering how everything had gone so wrong. He still had huge gaps in his memory about the night before and he knew that until he filled in some of those blanks he wouldn't understand how this morning had come to be.

He'd shuffled over to the laundry room and let Clooney out. He'd opened the back door and let the dog into the yard. He'd stood watching for a moments, not really seeing anything. Then Clooney had come to him and dropped his favorite toy, a Cosmos orb that Spencer had got him, at Derek's feet. Derek had dissolved into tears. He'd led Clooney back into the house, filled his food and water dish and grabbed his phone.

She had answered on the third ring. "I was in the middle of post coital bliss so this better be good." Garcia grumbled into the receiver.

"Baby Girl." Those two words took all of Derek's energy to get out.

Garcia let out an ear piercing squeal. "Derek! O-M-G I have so much to tell you! Emily, Kevin and I were going to Metro last night- then Rossi lost a bet and Emily made him come too, FYI a drunken David Rossi dancing to Disturbed is disturbing, but we saw the delicious Dr. Reid there and you will not _believe_what he had on. Or maybe you would, but either way I have photos! Why didn't you tell me Spencer-"

"We broke up." Derek pushed the words out, and then broke down.

Penelope had been quiet for a moment. "Don't move. I'm on my way and I've got cookies."

How he managed to drive home without getting into an accident is something Spencer will never be sure of. He briefly thought about stopping at his apartment, but couldn't bear the thought of going into it and seeing all the traces of Derek; his movies, his books, clothes next to Spencer's in the closet, razors in the bathroom, his preferred brand of peanut butter in the pantry.

Spencer didn't knock this time. He fished out his key and opened the door. Cam was at her kitchen table, with several glossy photos of art pieces and the attached bios of the artists who created them spread out before her. She looked up, took in the fact that he still had the pastries with him, that he hadn't used his key, hadn't moved and that he hadn't said a word about interrupting her while she's working and known it was bad.

She walked over and took the box out of his hand. She sat it on the counter and made a fresh pot of coffee, Jamaican Blue, for Spencer. Spencer still hadn't spoken, still hadn't moved from the entry way. She sat down on the couch and looked up at him.

"Completely, absolutely, without condition or restraint totally Team Spencer." She opened her arms.

Spencer shuffle walked over to the couch. He didn't sit. He lay down, head in Cam's lap and finally, _finally_ let the tears fall.


	12. Torn

A/N: Thank you for all the reviews and all the feedback. I'm glad you guys are enjoying the story and I'm so sorry for the delay in updating, I just had a really wicked case of writers block- I know what I wanted to happen but had trouble getting there. I'm still not entirely happy with how this chapter came out, but I hope you guys like it ok and the delay in updating was worth it.

**Chapter 11: Torn**

Spencer shook his head, as if he could shake loose the memories. He felt like he was in pieces. Part of him wanted to reach out and pull Derek close to him and kiss away the pain and regret he saw in his lover's eyes and part of him wanted to tell Derek to get the hell out. Part of him said they were over and done and another part of him refused to let go.

And that, Spencer thought ruefully, was the problem. No matter how angry he was, no matter how hurt he was, no matter how betrayed he felt, he still loved Derek, and he still wanted him. The love and the desire he felt for Derek was as strong as ever, it was the trust and faith that was gone and Spencer didn't know how to get them back, if he even could or if it would be worth the pain to try and find out.

Derek ached with the urge to touch. Spencer was standing right in front of him in obvious pain and knowing that it was all because of him was more than Derek could bear. He just wanted to hold Spencer, kiss him, run his fingers through his hair and forget the last few days had ever happened. The only thing stopping him were Spencer's words from earlier, "_That's the problem Derek, its always been about you."_As badly as he wanted to comfort him, Derek held himself back. Spencer hadn't given any indication he would welcome physical contact and at this point Derek wasn't about to press his luck any further than he already had. He was going to push aside his wants and desires and take his cues from Spencer.

The silence stretched between them, highlighting the underlying tension. Spencer shifted nervously from foot to foot and Derek kept rubbing his hand across the back of his neck. As the seconds ticked by and neither man made a sound , it struck Spencer that this was some twisted emotional version of a Mexican standoff, with neither man willing to break the silence and both being equally doomed by it. His nerves got the better of him and Spencer started to laugh.

Derek looked at Spencer quizzically and Spencer shook his head. "Derek, this is ridiculous. We're both so afraid to say or do the wrong thing that we aren't saying or doing anything. We have to get to the point where we can stand in the same room together and do more than breathe or work is going to be impossible." Spencer pointed out.

Derek nodded. Spencer was right. They had to get through this, not just for themselves but for the team. "I totally agree, although I'm not sure how to proceed. I'm open to suggestions though."

Spencer shifted nervously from foot to foot. "I don't know…but we have to at least try. I mean, at least at work we have to try to be…normal."

Derek rubbed the back of his neck. He was grateful that Spencer was at least willing to try to get their working relationship back on track and although he wanted it to be more, he wasn't going to push the issue, "As always, you're right. Although, "Derek got a glint in his eye and examined Spencer, "What's ridiculous, Pretty Boy, is that hair of yours." He teased. "You break out the Flowbee again?"

Spencer's hand immediately flew to his head, and then he caught the look in Derek's eye and smiled a bit. He knew they needed to find a way back to normalcy, at least in their working relationship. He squared his shoulders and followed Derek's lead, "You're just jealous. The only reason you started shaving yours is because you noticed it was thinning on the top and you shaved your goatee because you freaked about the grey hairs." Spencer crossed his arms and smiled smugly at Derek, "The baldness isn't your fault, that's hereditary. The grey hairs…that's just old age."

Derek let out the breath he'd been holding and then pretended to be indignant, "The bald look is sexy. Me, Bruce Willis, Andre Agassi, Chris Daughtry-"

"All of whom shaved their heads because they were going bald." Spencer broke in.

"It's a _look._ And I am NOT old." Derek huffed.

"Sure, sure, it's a look and you aren't old," Spencer knew their age difference was a bit of a sore spot for Derek and he was feeling just in the right move to poke it. He feigned innocence," I mean, just because your social security number is written in Roman numerals-"

"Spencer." Derek warned.

"No, seriously you aren't old. I mean, just because you sat next to Fredrick Douglas on the Freedom train-""

"Spencer."

"I mean, just because the last antique shop we went in tried to sell you-"

"That's enough Spencer."

Spencer grinned. "Of course. No disrespect meant." He was silent for one beat. "I mean, just because if you acted your age you'd be senile-"

"That's it!" Derek said, snaking an arm around Spencer and drawing him close. His eyes sparkled with laughter as he mockingly admonished Spencer, "In my day we didn't sass our elders."

Spencer bit his lip and then looked up at Derek through his lashes. "I'm sorry Derek, "Spencer stepped back out of Derek's reach then flashed him a blinding smile. "But I already know all about how it was in your day. I saw Jurassic Park." Spencer spun around and took off.

"Oh it's on now!" Derek chased Spencer into the kitchen, then back into the living room, eventually catching him and holding him down on the couch.

"Now, you're gonna get it!" Derek began to relentlessly tickle Spencer.

"D-D-Derek…s-stop." Spencer gasped out between bouts of laughter. "I-I'm sorry. You're right, you're not balding, it's a-a look."

Derek stopped and raised an eyebrow at Spencer. "I'm not old either."

Spencer thought about it for a minute. "No you're definitely old. Just because you remember in black and white-oomph"

Derek had taken the couch cushion and began beating Spencer with it. "Ok, OK, I give. You're not old. Or bald and the grey hair was clearly me having some sort of optical illusion."

"Got that right Kid." Derek laughed and looked down at Spencer. This was so easy, he mused. The laughter, the teasing, just being together all of it felt so right with Spencer. It had only been a few days but Derek has missed him and missed this.

Spencer caught his breath and looked up and Derek. He was still hurt, still angry, but for the moment he could almost pretend everything was ok. The feel of Derek's weight on him, the smell of Derek's cologne and the sound of his laughter were bringing back memories for Spencer.

Neither man was quite sure how they got here. One minute they were fighting, the next they were making a truce, then they were they were laughing and teasing each other, and now…now they were mash of lips and teeth and tongue. Neither was sure who made the first move, but they were suddenly tangled up in each other kissing for all it they were worth and neither wanted it to end.

Spencer closed his eyes and let himself get lost in the feeling of Derek being so close. He moaned into the kiss and his fingers grasped Derek's shoulders and then started pushing his jacket off of him.

Derek matched Spencer's need with his own and quickly shrugged out of his jacket and then deftly undid the knot in Spencer's tie. Once he'd removed it, he yanked Spencer's shirt out of his pants and began undoing the buttons, kissing, biting and licking every inch of skin as it was revealed.

Spencer made his way along Derek's jaw, nipping at his throat and biting his earlobe. He pulled Derek's shirt out of his pants and quickly whipped it up and off of his body. He ran his hands over Derek's chest, across his shoulders and down his spine. Spencer placed kisses along Derek's collar bone and lightly flicked his tongue across a nipple.

Derek gasped and slid his knee between Spencer's legs. Spencer immediately arched up against him and Derek took advantage of the movement by pressing down and wrapping a hand around Spencer's thigh to pull his leg up and around his waist.

Spencer's hands flew to undo Derek's belt and Derek's hands tangled in Spencer's hair pulled, tilting his head back so that he had access to more of the pale flesh of his throat. Derek's lips gently brushed the delicate skin, then he growled and bit down.

Spencer's cry was a mixture of pleasure and surprise. He threw his head back and began rocking his hips against Derek's as the other man continued to suck and bite until there was a definite passion mark left behind.

"Oh God, Spencer, I love you." Derek murmured, as he rained kisses across Spencer's chest.

"I love you too." Spencer breathily replied, frantically trying to push Derek's pants down

Derek groaned and moved to help Spencer. "I want you so much baby."

"I want you too." Spencer moaned.

The harsh ring tone of Spencer's cell phone momentarily froze both men. Derek stared down at Spencer, hair spread out in a halo behind his head, skin flushed, pupils blown wide and lips swollen and groaned in frustration.

Spencer licked his lips and tried to calm himself down. "I-I…that's Hotch." He whispered thickly.

Derek rested his forehead on Spencer's. "I know." He kissed Spencer one more time and reluctantly tore himself away. "Get it."

Spencer shakily pushed himself up and grabbed the phone. "H-Hotch." He cleared his throat. "Um…yeah?"

"Is everything ok Reid?" Hotch's voice carried a slight note of concern.

"I-I'm fine. I was…uh, ah…Morgan's here and…are you on your way?" Spencer stumbled through his answer.

Hotch's voice was tight. "I suspected as much, which is why I'm calling. I'm about ten minutes away. I just wanted to give you a head's up. I didn't want to arrive unannounced."

"Thanks Hotch. I appreciate that. I'll see you then."

"Not a problem Reid." Hotch clicked off.

Spencer raked his hands through his hair. "Hotch is on his way. I ah, I should-"

"I know babe." Derek was putting his shirt back on and he appeared to be struggling to get himself back under control.

Spencer's finger's shook as he buttoned his shirt and righted his clothing.

"Derek, this, uh, what just happened…I, it, um,"

Derek sighed. "Spencer it took me by surprise too. I didn't come here to try and get you into bed. I'm not…I know that we're not ok. I know that we-"

"There's not a we." Spencer broke in. "Its…I …nothing's changed." He finished.

Derek stared at Spencer. "Spencer, you can't seriously believe that."

Spencer chewed his bottom lip. "Derek, I won't deny that there's still…attraction and-"

"Love, Spencer. There's still love. I'm not saying that magically makes everything okay or that it undoes the damage we've done to each other. I hurt you-"

"I hurt you too." Spencer sighed. "We can go around in circles about who did what to who but it won't help. I hurt you, you hurt me and as much as I love you, I don't trust you and I'm still angry with you and you'd be lying if you said you weren't angry with me or that your trust in me was still in tact."

"I won't deny it, even if I wanted to you'd see through it. Especially if you were around when one of my relatives called." Derek shook his head.

Spencer was hit with a pang of guilt and swallowed thickly. "So…it's as bad as you'd thought it would be?"

Derek sighed. "Yes and no. My mom and I had a long talk. She's…I guess the right word is accepting. She loves me and wants me to be happy and she'll support me no matter who I love, but…it's not easy for her."

"And the rest of your family?"

Derek clenched his jaw. "Sarah's been amazing, but Desi still won't talk to me. Except to tell me how disappointed she is in me. She also sent me a pamphlet from a program that's supposed to "free me from my homosexuality." She said until I come to my senses she can't be a part of my life, says she can't be an enabler to my confusion and she called in some reinforcements, some of my relatives have been all too happy to tell me how I'm disgracing my father, breaking my mother's heart and will be burning in hell. Which Sara found out about and now the two of them are on the outs and mama's stuck in the middle."

Spencer felt ill. He knew how much Derek loved his sister and how close they'd been. Her rejection had to be tearing him to pieces, not to mention what it was doing to the rest of the family. Spencer felt responsible for all of it and wished there was a hole he could crawl into. "Oh Derek, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault, I wish I had never-"

"Spencer, you have no control over how anyone reacts to my coming out. Bottom line is if they were gonna react badly it doesn't matter how they found out; the reaction would have still been the same. Coming out is hard even under ideal circumstances."

"Except you didn't come out!" Spencer blurted. "I outted you." He said miserably.

He knew all too well the difference between the two. One a person had the time to prepare for emotionally, the other was a complete blindside that could leave them in an emotional tailspin.

"Yeah you did. I can't say I'm happy about it, but what's done is done. Besides, I can't put that all on you. We both said and did things in that club that were wrong. But we never should have been there in there in the first place and_that_Spencer is all on me. It wasn't fair of me to push you out like I did, I was afraid and I let that fear dictate my life and yours. Some of fears turned out to be unfounded, others didn't but regardless it wasn't fair to force you to live with them." Derek glanced at his watch. "This isn't the time or place to get into this. Hotch will be here any minute. But Spencer, we _do_need to talk."

Spencer nodded. "I know. Just don't expect anything." Spencer had a brief flash of their earlier make out session and blushed, "I mean, not beyond clearing the air. I can't promise we'll get back together."

"I know Pretty Boy." Derek knew if that for once he'd have to let Spencer call the shots if he wanted to even have a chance at getting him back. He pulled on his jacket. "When you get back we'll finish our conversation and just sort of see where things go from there-if that's ok with you?"

Spencer grabbed his go bag (they had all learned years ago to never travel for work without it. Consults always had the possibility of turning into cases) and put on his coat. "I'm good with that. I'll walk you out." He said to Derek as he held the door for him.

Spencer walked Derek to his truck and there was a small, awkward silence. Derek wanted to give Spencer a goodbye kiss but he didn't want to make Spencer feel pressured so he just smiled at him. "Be careful Pretty Boy. If uh, if you have the time, could you maybe call me when you get there, just so that I know you got there ok."

"I will," Spencer said shyly. "I'll call when I can. And um, while I'm gone you stay safe." He said softly and stepped back up on the curb.

"Promise. You do the same." Derek looked at Spencer for a long moment, the _I love you_ remained unspoken but understood between them. He gave Spencer a little wave and then pulled away.

Spencer waited for Hotch and let the afternoon play out in his head. He had no doubts that if Hotch hadn't called him and Derek would have ended up making love. Sex was his and Derek's preferred method of conflict resolution, but Spencer was under no illusion that it would work this time. He was becoming less and less sure that it had ever worked at all. All the little cracks in their relationship could be traced back to communication. Spencer didn't speak up, Derek didn't open up and when issues did arise instead of talking them out they hit the sheets.

That couldn't happen this time. They needed to talk and Spencer knew it wouldn't be an easy or pleasant conversation, but it was a necessary one. Even if he and Derek couldn't salvage their relationship, Spencer hoped they could save their friendship or at the very least find a way to work together without too much friction.

Hotch pulled up and Spencer smiled at him. "Thanks for picking me up, sir." He said sliding into the passenger seat of the SUV. "Hotch, I uh, know why you chose to take me with you instead of having Rossi and Prentiss take the consult and I ah, appreciate it."

Hotch returned Spencer's smile. "No thanks necessary, Reid. As both your boss and your friend I thought it best to give you some breathing room." Hotch glanced at Spencer and noted he was beginning to blush and quickly changed topics to ease the young man's anxiety. "I doubt the Silver Springs PD will need more than a little hand holding and reassurance from us that they're heading in the right direction. This should be a relatively simple consult."

Spencer groaned. "Hotch! You know better than that. Saying the consult will be easy is inviting disaster. Its like saying out loud that it's a slow day in the ER, or saying the name Macbeth when doing the play,…don't look at me like that, you know its true."

Hotch laughed. "I never knew you were that superstitious, Reid. If I step on a crack will I break my mama's back?" He teased.

"Of course not," Spencer insisted, "I mean, I'm not _really_superstitious. Except about matching socks. They really are bad luck. Every time I wear them something bad happens. Although it's possible that's just my perception of events. While I don't entirely buy Skinner's conception of the reinforcement schedule for explaining superstitious behaviors it does have some-"

Hotch laughed. "Spencer, it was a joke." When Spencer laughed beside him, Hotch went on, "We all have our own little quirks, or superstitions. Rossi always wears his "lucky tie" to court when he testifies. Garcia rubs the wish stone on her purple troll doll and wishes for us to come home safely whenever we fly out on cases. JJ always wears the ring with Henry's birthstone in it that Will gave her right before a press conference. Morgan wears his father's wedding ring on a chain around his neck- he puts it on the plane and takes it off when we land. Prentiss carries a copy of Breakfast of Champions, but she never reads it until we're going home. You don't match your socks." Hotch gave Spencer a look that the young man couldn't quite read, "You fit right in with our band of merry men." He finished softly.

Spencer was quiet for a moment, then his lips quirked. "What happened to not profiling each other? " He cracked.

"I didn't get that memo.' Hotch deadpanned.

Spencer laughed. "So what about you? What's your um, quirk?"

Hotch kept his eyes glued to the road. "A picture Jack drew me a couple of years ago. In it I have on my suit," Hotch paused, "And a cape."

"A cape?" Spencer asked.

"A cape." Hotch confirmed. "He said I needed the cape to fly. When I asked him why he said because all super heroes needed a super power and I couldn't fly without a cape. I asked him if he thought I was a superhero because I catch bad guys and he said no. He said I was a superhero because I was his daddy. I keep that picture with me. I carry it in my wallet, to remind me that the most important job I have, the most important thing I am, is Jack's daddy."

Spencer was touched that his usual stoic boss would share something so personal with him. "Hotch…you know Jack's right don't you?" When he saw his boss' look of confusion Spencer hurried on, "You _are_a hero and not just to Jack. You know Garcia calls you the Batman of the BAU? You're strong and steady and…probably the noblest person I've ever met. You give us all someone to count on and look up to and…I-I don't have very good examples of fatherhood to draw from and I would probably be a complete disaster if I ever had a child of my own, b-but if I ever did, I hope I could be half as good a father as you are." Spencer dropped his eyes, "I wish I were half as good a man as you are."

Hotch felt a lump form in his throat. He was a bit conflicted. He was honored that Spencer held him in such high esteem, but given his feelings for the young genius the last thing he wanted was for Spencer to see him as a father figure. Hoch cleared his throat, "Re- Spencer, I know you haven't had the easiest time with father figures and I'm honored that-"

"W-w-what? Oh no Hotch! I didn't mean it like that. I don't see you that way at all. Not that there's anything wrong with you, I just uh, don't." Spencer broke in quickly. "I mean, I did see Gideon that way but I've never put you in that role." Spencer's cheeks burned as he remembered a long ago crush he used to harbor on the Unit Chief. "I ah, I see you as a great father, just not uh, as my father. Until Jack came along I didn't think of you in that role at all."

_Thank God,_Hotch thought to himself. He relaxed and chuckled. "Remember when Elle called Gideon "dad"? When he told me about it I teased him until he pointed out if he were dad then I was mom."

Spencer suddenly got a mental picture of Hotch in a corset and began to laugh.

Hotch looked at his agent and huffed a small laugh. He knew exactly why Spencer was laughing. "What did you picture? Dress or lingerie?" He asked wryly once Spencer got himself back under control.

The question set him off again and Spencer dissolved into a fit of giggles. He tried to muffle the laughter and ended up with the hiccups.

Hotch's lips quirked and he bit his lip in an attempt to hold back his own laughter. The look on Spencer's face and the sound of his laughter set was enough to make any embarrassment he may be feeling worth it for Hotch.

"C-c-corset." Spencer choked out.

Hotch joined Spencer in his laughter. "A corset huh? Gideon told you the Frank N. Furter story didn't he?"

"Frank N. Furter story?" Spencer repeats blankly.

Hotch sighed. "If you breathe a word of this, I will deny it. And shoot you. With both guns." Hotch mock glared at Spencer, then continued, "My first Halloween with the BAU, I lost a bet. Had to come to a co-worker's party dressed as Frank N. Furter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show."

Spencer stifled his laughter. "Gideon never told me that story." He said to Hotch solemnly. Hotch nodded and turned his attention back to driving. "Every day for almost two months after that whenever I left my desk I would come back and find _something_left on it. A strand of pearls, a pack of hot dogs, fish net stockings…and every time I got on the elevator Rossi would lead a chorus of Sweet Transvestite."

The idea of a young Hotch being hazed somehow made Spencer think of him as a sort of kindred spirit. After a few seconds Spencer began laughing again.

"It's not that funny Reid." Hotch tried is best Unit Chief voice of doom.

"You're right. The story isn't that funny. " Spencer waited until he saw Hotch take a sip of water. "The pictures were hilarious though." He added slyly.

Hotch choked on his water and ran over the curb. Spencer dissolved into another fit of giggles and began humming Sweet Transvestite.

"Both guns Reid, both guns." Hotch gripped the wheel and smothered his own laughter with a cough.


	13. Every Move You Make I'll Be Watching You

A/N This chapter may surprise some of you…well most of you, heck probably all of you. But part of this was the plan from the beginning, ( I sent them to Maryland for a reason) and part of it came out of the blue lol…either way I hope you enjoy. *gives you Reid puppy eyes*. **Contains spoilers from The Crossing.**

**Chapter 12 Every Move You Make I'll Be Watching You**

The chief of the Silver Springs police department welcomed them warmly. "Thank you for coming so quickly Agent Hotchner. Doctor Reid, it's good to see again. How was the drive down?"

Spencer fought back a laugh as Hotch answered the chief. "It was good thank you. We'd like to get started right away, if you don't mind."

The Chief nodded. "Of course, right this way Agents. We've set up one of the conference rooms for you to use. To be honest, we weren't really sure if you guys would come out for a string of such low level arsons. But the lead detective is sure there's something more going on and insisted on calling you guys in. And quite honestly, even though no one's been hurt yet, the time between fires is getting less and less and it just may be a matter of time before someone is."

The chief led them into the conference room. Spencer wandered over to a corner and made a quiet call while Hotch began going through the evidence. "The decrease in the time between fires is troubling." Hotch remarked.

"The escalation is a concern," Spencer said absently, having finished his call and coming over to where Hotch was. He bent over the conference table and examined the crime scene photos. "But that's not what's bothering me. There's something troubling about the whole thing."

"Of course there is," The chief agreed. "Someone is running around town randomly burning down buildings."

"It may not be so random to the UnSub." Spencer replied, walking over to the map of the crime scenes.

Hotch was looking over the locations. There was a mix of businesses, private residences, empty lots and even construction sites. So far there haven't been any injuries and no overlap in the victims. "What are you thinking Reid?"

"I'm not sure yet." Spencer said, pushing pins into a map to indicate where the fires had taken place.

The door opened and the chief smiled. "Ah well, here's the lead detective on the case now. Detective Berry, this is SSA Hotchner and this is-"

"Doctor Reid!" A tall, blond, muscular man exclaimed upon entering the room. Hotch turned to look at the man and was struck by the thought that he could have been a descendent of Nordic Vikings. "It's good to see you again. When Chief Ellison said the BAU had agreed to send down a couple of agents to consult I was kind of hoping they'd send their resident genius." Detective Berry turned to Hotch and extended a hand, "I didn't expect them to send the guy in charge, but I'm glad you're here. We definitely need the help. Detective Steve Berry. Nice to meet you Agent Hotchner."

Hotch and Det. Berry shook hands in a cursory, professional manner. "Good to meet you as well Detective. I see you are already familiar with Dr. Reid. "

At the mention of Spencer's name Berry's features transformed into a genuine smile. He broke eye contact with Hotch and looked past him to Spencer. "Dr. Reid and I met when he and some other members of your team helped us out on a stalking case almost three years ago." He informed Hotch.

Hotch searched the recesses of his memory. He vaguely remembered the team working a case where a stalker had crossed state lines pursuing the object of his affection. He and Dave hadn't worked it with the rest of the team because they'd been asked by a prosecutor to evaluate whether or not a woman's use of battered wife's syndrome was a legitimate defense.

Detective Berry's voice dragged Hotch back into the present. He was still smiling at Spencer, clearly pleased by the doctor's presence. "We're going to have to stop meeting like this." Steve joked to Spencer.

"Uh, ah…yeah we should. It's good to see you again." Spencer replied. He gave Steve a tiny wave by way of greeting and turned his attention back to the board.

Steve walked over and stood next to Spencer. "Good to see you too, really good. Already hard at work huh? Found anything interesting?"

"I'm not sure yet." Spencer honestly replied. "This feels…like there's something missing. The rate of the fires is increasing, but that type of escalation usually results in injury or greater property damage."

Hotch looked over the reports from the fire chief. "These aren't. Even with the increase in frequency there hasn't been any injury and the damage isn't catastrophic. It doesn't fit our initial profile."

"So where does that leave us?" Steve asked.

"Going over the evidence." Hotch answered grimly. All three men took files and photos and got down to work.

Four hours, endless cups of coffee, and three bad vending machine sandwiches later Reid had a breakthrough.

"This is just too random to nail down." Steve growled in frustration. There's no common link anywhere. Not the dates, not the property owners, not the locations, not the insurance companies…not even the method of arson!"

"That's what's puzzling. Arsonists are often like bombers, they have a signature. This UnSub has used everything from gasoline to paper and a match. And since none of the targets have a common link its unlikely that there's a personal connection to the locations especially since three of them were new constructions on previously empty lots." Hotch added.

Reid was staring at the board where they had mapped out the locations of the fires. "This is too random to actually be random." Spencer mused out loud.

"What?" Steve got up and walked over to Spencer. He rested his hand on Spencer's shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "That doesn't make a lot of sense, Spence."

Hotch's head snapped up at the nickname and his eyes narrowed at the sight of Det. Berry's hand on Spencer.

Spencer was taken aback by the nickname and stiffened a bit at the contact, but figured Steve was just trying to be friendly. He gave an awkward half smile, increased his personal space and tried to explain. "I mean it's sort of like when a computer generates a supposedly random number. It's not really random. The coding and programming dictate the number produced. These fires, they seem random on the surface, but I'm sure it's just on the surface. None of the fires have been set to inhabited structures. None of them have been designed to cause injury or death. A few of them weren't even particularly damaging, including this last one. They aren't escalating in intensity, damage or level of threat. There has to be a reason for that."

Hotch stood up and paced the room. "You think there's some sort of pattern?" He asked Spencer.

"It's not so much looking for a pattern but a reason." Spencer said.

"Any ideas what that could be, Spence?" Steve asked.

Hotch's teeth were on edge. Det. Berry had been coolly professional with him, if slightly resentful of his presence, but his behavior with Spencer was something else entirely. The man had taken every opportunity to stand near Spencer, to touch him, and to speak to him. Hotch figured one didn't need to be a profiler to see that the handsome detective's interest in the good doctor went far beyond a professional consult.

For his part, Spencer was either purposely ignoring the signals or completely oblivious to them. Hotch suspected the former, Spencer was too good a profiler not to pick up on the verbal and physical cues Steve was sending him and Spencer hadn't acknowledged the other man's obvious attraction in any way, positive or negative.

"These fires have to serve some sort of purpose for the UnSub." Spencer said, bringing Hotch's attention back to the case..

"You mean other than spreading fear and damaging property?" Steve asked.

"If fear were a motivator for the UnSub we would most likely have injuries by now." Hotch pointed out.

"So what would be the motivator? You say it's not fear, I don't see how the UnSub is getting any power out of it, and it can't be money." Steve said.

"That's it! Steve you nailed it!" Spencer cried running back over the conference table and tearing through the files assembled on the top. "I saw something earlier; I didn't connect it then but…ah ha! Here it is!" Spencer ripped a sheet of paper from the others and held it up.

Steve looked over Spencer's shoulder. "I'd love to take credit for a genius' epiphany, but those are reports of robberies, not fires."

"I know but look here, look at the dates." Spencer said. Hotch came around and peered over Spencer's other shoulder. A quick scan revealed to him what Spencer had uncovered. "The fires were a distraction; the robberies were the real crime." Hotch stated.

"Exactly!" Spencer agreed enthusiastically.

"Ok, Batman and Robin how did you come up with that conclusion?" Steve asked.

"Look at not just the dates but the times of these robberies here," Spencer said pointing to a cluster of robberies. "They all occur during a fire, when resources and manpower are diverted."

"And look at the locations. They are always on the other end of the county, where it would take even longer to get to them from where the fires are." Hotch added.

"I'll be damned." Steve said, following their logic. "How did we miss this?"

Spencer shrugged. "You were looking for an arsonist, not a thief."

"They were counting on you focusing on the fires and not the burglaries. It was misdirection."

"And we fell for it." Steve shook his head.

"It happens." Spencer said, awkwardly patting Steve on the back. "I'm pretty sure once you start focusing on the burglaries things will turn around. You'll have this cracked in no time."

"Thanks Spence. I guess it's fitting that a magician would spot misdirection." Steve gave Spencer a blinding smile that for one moment made Hotch's fingers twitch toward his service weapon. Steve then turned Hotch, and almost as if it were an afterthought, "You too Agent Hotchner."

"No thanks necessary, _Detective Berry._" Hotch answered dryly. When he noticed Steve had once again crowded into Spencer's personal space he had to fight down the urge to throw Spencer over his shoulder in a fireman's carry, shove him in the SUV and gun it all the way back to Quantico.

"Seems like we've put you on the right track so Reid and I will -"

"Say Spencer, how about you let me take you guys out to dinner? It'll be my way to say thank you and give us a chance to catch up." Steve cut in quickly.

Spencer had been perplexed. When the team had worked the Keri Derzmond case, Detective Berry had spent of the case staring at Spencer but talking to Morgan. Spencer didn't want to offend but he wasn't entirely comfortable accepting the invitation either.

"That's ah, uh not necessary. We were happy to help. But it's pretty late and I'm sure that Hotch wants to get back to his son." Spencer replied.

Steve's face fell for a nanosecond, then he reached into his wallet and removed a business card. "I understand Spencer. Why don't you give me a call sometime? We can get together, have a meal, and get to know each other better." He held out the card and waited for Spencer to take it.

"Oh, uh sure. Thanks." Spencer took the card and put it into his wallet. Just as he was about to put his wallet away he noticed the expectant look on Steve's face. "OH, uh, yeah, here's uh, here's my card." Spencer held out one of his business cards and as he took it Steve let his fingers brush over Spencer's.

Spencer flushed a bit and Steve made a chuckle that sounded suspiciously like it held a note of triumph. As the scene played out in front of him, Hotch decided he'd had enough.

"Reid, it's late. We need to wrap this up and get on the road. Detective Berry, we're confident that if you look into the robberies you'll find your arsonist. If you require any further assistance don't hesitate to call." Hotch deftly slipped in between the two men and maneuvered Spencer back toward the board. "Reid, make sure that you mark the locations of both the fires and the robberies on your geographical profile before we go."

As Spencer turned back to the board and Hotch began readying himself to leave. Steve leaned causally against the conference table, the corners of his lips upturned in a slight smile. Hotch looked up and chestnut eyes met ice blue ones and for one long moment there was a battle for dominance. Steve eventually smirked and looked away, back toward Spencer.

"Well played Agent Hotchner. " He murmured, "Tell me, what is it with the men of the BAU and cock blocking me? First Agent Morgan, now you. If I were to ever meet the infamous David Rossi would he dig a moat around Spencer too?"

Hotch went still. He fixed Berry with a hard look and answered in a deceptively soft voice, "We all want the best for Spencer," He said slowly, "He certainly deserves it, and I have my doubts you fit that bill. Consider yourself lucky, Morgan and I have more self control than Dave. If you're planning on Spencer making a return trip or planning on snagging yourself a visitor's pass to the BAU, you should be aware Dave is quite fond of Spencer but he's not one for manual labor. He'd probably skip the moat digging and just shoot you."

Berry smirked and laughed a small laugh. "Good to know." He pushed off of the table and let his eyes rove over Spencer's form before turning back to Hotch. "When I take Spencer to bed, I'll make sure that good ol' Dave is nowhere around."

Before Hotch could say a word, Spencer came over to join them. "All done. Ready Hotch?"

"Just about Reid. Why don't you go on ahead. I just have a couple of things to clear up here and I'll be done."

Spencer nodded and slipped his messenger bag on. "Sure thing Hotch." He turned to Steve, "It was good to see you again and um, I'm take care."

"You too, Spence," Steve waved Spencer's business card, and then put it in his jacket pocket. "I'll be calling you soon- I owe you a dinner and you owe me the chance to pick your brain." He held his hand out expectantly.

Spencer furrowed his brow for a moment then gave a tiny shake of his head. "There's really no thanks necessary but uh…ok I guess, um I'll hear from you soon." He said as he shook Steve's outstretched hand.

"That you will, Spence. Seeing you again has been a pleasure." Berry gave Spencer's hand a meaningful squeeze and ran his fingers lightly over Spencer's wrist before he let go, a movement that did not go unnoticed by either of the profilers in the room.

Spencer quickly withdrew his hand and took a step back. "Uh…yeah ok. Um take care. Hotch, I ah, I'll see you in a minute." Spencer took an awkward step around Steve and left the room.

As the door closed behind Spencer, Steve chuckled and began gathering up the case files. Hotch snapped his briefcase shut and stood to leave, but stopped when Steve addressed him, "Thank you as well Agent Hotchner."

Hotch clenched his jaw and nodded, determined to remain professional, but not spend any more time around Berry than necessary. "I'm confident you're on the right track and now that you know what you're looking for I'm sure you'll get your man. Let us know how it goes."

Steve laughed. "Oh, I'm quite sure I'll get my man," He put a hand on Hotch's shoulder and leaned in, "I'm pretty sure we'll catch our Unsub too. And I'll definitely let you know how things go, but I think you'll be able to figure it out for yourself when Spencer's walking a little funny the next-"

Steve never got to finish his sentence. Hotch had him face down on the conference table, arm twisted behind his back, pinned down by his body weight before the other man even knew what was happening. Hotch reached into the man's coat pocket, removed Spencer's business card, then tightened his grip, making the man gasp in pain and surprise, then put his mouth to the shell of the detective's ear and began to speak in a voice that was deadly calm, yet dripping with promise of violence, "Let me make myself clear: You will not call Spencer. You will not email him. You will not "accidentally" bump into him anywhere. There will be no contact of any kind UNLESS he initiates it, which if his body language was any indication, he won't be. And if, by some miracle, he does initiate contact, you will politely decline any and all invitations. Any questions?"

The younger man grunted. "What's wrong, _Hotch? _Don't wanna share your toys? I bet Spencer plays well with others-"

Hotch increased the pressure, and Berry cried out sharply. "If I even hear a whisper that you've been so much as _thinking_ about coming near my agent, you will regret it. Understood?"

The pain in his shoulder and arm forced the man to acquiesce. "I get it, I got it. Spencer is look but don't touch."

"Glad we understand each other." Hotch released the other man and exited without as much as a backwards glance.

Steve slowly straightened up, rubbing his shoulder, rage flickering across his face before he replaced it with a mask of indifference. _If Hotchner thinks his pit bull routine is going to scare me off, he's in for a rude awakening, _the man thought. He had hoped to see Spencer again once the higher ups made the decision to bring in the BAU, and had been thrilled to see that this time he was not accompanied by Derek Morgan. Steve's face clouded back over when he thought of how Derek had gone out of his way to act as a buffer between Steve and the object of his affection the last time around. He'd spent an entire week that first time close enough to learn Spencer's scent, catalog his facial expressions and create some very vivid fantasies but kept far enough away to never get to act on them. He was determined to not be kept away again. It had been almost three years, but he'd been keeping tabs on Spencer, collecting bits of information, saving any articles about him or his work with the BAU, surreptitiously attending his lectures and even driving down to D.C. several times a month to simply observe Spencer. He'd been planning to approach at the right time, but had found himself unable to resist once the opportunity fell into his lap. Everything would have been perfect had it not been for Hotchner.

He made his way out of the conference room and went to his desk. He logged on and opened a file. Pictures of Spencer filled the screen and Steve smiled before clicking it off. He regretted that Hotchner had taken the business card, he would have loved to have added it to his collection of pictures and articles, but he didn't really need it. He already had Spencer's contact information thanks to a covert background check and he _would _be calling him. He thought back on earlier. Spencer had been a little skittish, but that was ok, Steve was sure in time that would go away. A smile played around his lips as he envisioned just how good it was going to feel to not only get Spencer into his bed, but how his overprotective co-workers would react.

Steve saw a picture of Spencer's team and frowned just a bit. Thanks to his surveillance, he knew Morgan and Spencer were involved off the clock, but he was sure once Spencer got the chance to spend time with _him_ he'd see how perfect they could be together. His hands curled into fists when he thought about the love bite he'd seen on Spencer's neck. He didn't like the idea of someone else marking what was his. He wondered who had put that mark there. He suspected Morgan but Hotchner's reaction had given him pause. Hotchner was an unexpected complication. The man hadn't responded to Steve's interest in Spencer as a boss or even a concerned friend, he had been more like a jealous lover. Steve wondered if there was, or had been, anything between Spencer and his boss.

Steve did a quick search on Aaron Hotchner. His eyes widened when he found out about what happened to the mans wife and- _Holy shit. _Steve read the article twice. Hotchner had actually beaten George Foyet to death with his bare hands. Steve thought back on how controlled Hotchner's rage had been earlier in the conference room. He suddenly felt very lucky to have gotten off with just a sore shoulder.

Steve sighed and then logged out of his computer and leaned back in his chair. Given what he knew now, he would have to formulate a plan to deal with Hotchner. The man was clearly a bit unstable. It made Steve uneasy to think that someone so disturbed was so close to his Spencer. He'd have to talk with Spencer about transferring to a different unit or retiring altogether once they got together.

He remembered the way Spencer's skin had felt under his fingertips and the spicy, clean smell of his aftershave and a smile ghosted over his face. Of all the agents they could have sent, Spencer had been chosen. Steve saw that as a sign. Of course, Spencer hadn't been as receptive to his attentions as Steve would have liked but that would come in time. He had no doubt that given space and opportunity he would have Spencer Reid in his life and his bed, alpha male team mates and Spencer's own misgivings were simply no match for destiny. It might take a little work, but Steve wasn't afraid of that.

He stood up and got ready to leave for the day. His shoulder protested a bit when he went to put on his jacket and he winced at the reminder of Hotchner's warning. _It's gonna take one hell of a long, hot shower to get this soreness out, _Steve thought. _Spencer's worth it, though. _He thought as he made his way out of the station and to his car.

Hotch and Spencer had spent the majority of the car ride in relative silence, both trapped in their own thoughts. Spencer was having trouble processing all the attention that had been focused at him by Steve and becoming increasingly anxious about talking with Derek. They stopped for a late dinner, both men content to let the silence lie.

For his part, Hotch kept replaying the scene in the conference room. His loss of control had caught him by surprise. He hadn't even reacted so viciously to Haley's affair. The fact that he had basically assaulted an officer for merely making suggestive comments about Spencer was not lost on him. He knew he had no claim on Spencer or any right to try to keep him from seeing someone he wanted to see, but there was something about Berry that didn't sit well with Hotch. It wasn't jealousy; he realized with a bit of a start, it was his protective instincts. There was something about the man, and the way he had fixated on Spencer that made alarm bells go off in Hotch's head.

"So uh, Berry seemed…"Hotch swallowed and gave up on casual. "Are you going to call him, Spencer?"

Spencer looked sharply up at his boss. "Uh, he seemed nice enough and I'm flattered but ah, I'm not really…" Spencer thought of Derek and trailed off, "It's kind of complicated right now. It's not really a good time for me to start something new."

Hotch read between the lines. "Spencer, right here, right now, I'm your friend, not your boss. If you need to talk, I'm here to listen."

Spencer bit his bottom lip. He really did need to talk and he'd always been able to confide in Hotch. On the other hand, even though he knew everyone on the team knew about him and Derek, Penelope was the only one who ever actually said anything about them. Hotch was the Unit Chief, if it ever came out that he'd known and not reported them he could be in trouble.

Hotch seemed to sense Spencer's internal struggle. "I promise you nothing you say leaves this table- right now, I'm Aaron, not SSA Hotchner and I see a friend of mine who looks like he needs a shoulder to lean on."

Spencer took a deep breath and the dam burst. "Derek and I…are…it's…we broke up." He said sadly.

Hotch struggled not to react. He tried to ignore the tiny flicker of hope the admission set off in him. "I suspected something bad had happened, but nothing that…extreme. Are you ok?" Hotch didn't ask why they had broken up. If Spencer wanted him to know he'd tell him, but he wasn't going to pry. The one thing he'd hated about people's reaction to news of his divorce had been all the people who'd felt entitled to an explanation of what went wrong.

"It was when his family came last week." Spencer started. "He ah, he hadn't told them about us."

Hotch gave Spencer an incredulous look. "You two have been together for the better part of a year now haven't you?" Hotch asked.

"We have." Spencer confirmed. "Derek was…not out yet. Not to everyone. His mom knew, but he'd told her years ago, and she hadn't been overjoyed and neither of them had brought it up since. His sisters and the rest of his family were in the dark so he asked me to um…keep my distance while they were here."

Hotch white knuckled his coffee cup. The pain in Spencer's voice was obvious and Hotch resented Derek for putting it there. As angry as he was though, he grudgingly had to admit he understood. His own mother had been horrified when she'd discovered his bisexuality and he had no doubts that had his father been alive he would have disowned him. He still remembered the sting of his mother's rejection and to this day remained a source of resentment between the two of them. Derek was much closer to his family than Hotch was, so he could imagine how conflicted his friend had been.

Even though Hotch understood where Derek was coming from, he still couldn't completely excuse the other man for treated his lover so callously. "How did you take that?" He asked.

"The only way I could really." Spencer answered. "I mean, I could have refused but…" He shrugged. "I was…hurt. I ended up commiserating with a friend…" Spencer replayed almost the entire story to Hotch, right up until the point where Hotch had picked him up (leaving out the more explicit and embarrassing details of course). When he was done he smiled ruefully and joked, "I really should have expected something spectacularly abysmal to happen. Whenever I let Cam talks me into going out with her unsupervised it turns into a really bad after school special."

Hotch laughed. "I thought you learned your lesson about going out with Cam after the whole Agony and Xtasy incident." Hotch said raising an eyebrow.

Spencer groaned. Hotch had met Cam before anyone else on the team, but the circumstances were such that Spencer didn't' dare speak of it. The one and only time Hotch had ever met Cam was when they'd called him at three in the morning to vouch for them when they'd been detained after a raid at a leather bar that Cam had dragged Spencer to in an attempt to "loosen him up." Spencer had been mortified, but Cam had taken the opportunity to flirt shamelessly with the Unit Chief, even going so far as to suggest a threesome. Hotch had been his usual stoic self, but hadn't been able to hide his amusement at the situation.

"I was kinda hoping you'd forgotten about that." Spencer mumbled into his dessert.

Hotch smiled, his dimples flashing. "Not a chance. The image of you in those chaps is burned into my brain." _And you will never know just how much use I've gotten out of that pretty little picture, _Hotch thought to himself.

Spencer flushed and shifted in seat. "I thought I was the one with the eidetic memory." He teased.

"I have pretty good recall when it comes to important things. And one of my team members calling at oh my God o'clock to drive to a fetish bar to convince the locals to let him and his bff go is pretty unforgettable. Especially when said team member is wearing an outfit that would have made Freddy Mercury blush." Hotch said, taking another sip of his coffee.

Spencer put his hands up over his face. "I thought we agreed to never speak of it again."

"Did we?" Hotch smiled again. "I guess I forgot. I'm not the one with an eidetic memory after all."

"Hotch!" Spencer cried, caught between laughing and cringing in embarrassment at the memory.

"Ok ok." Aaron took mercy on him. "But seriously. Maybe you and Cam should stick to indoor movie nights."

"I am _never_ going out with her again." Spencer confirmed.

"I've heard that before." Hotch remarked.

Spencer slid down in his seat. "I say it every single time, and every single time she talks me out of it. I'm just lucky she chooses to use her powers for good."

"That you are. I got the distinct impression that girl could sell ice to the Eskimos." Hotch noted.

"And water to a drowning man." Spencer added. "She's pretty persuasive, if a little impulsive." Spencer sighed. "The morning after everything blew up with Derek Cam was amazing. She took pretty good care of me and she actually went and had jerseys made up that say "Team Spencer". It's ah, the first athletic jersey I've ever owned." Spencer said.

"Team Spencer is a pretty good team to be on," Hotch said as he looked over at his friend. "What about Derek? Is he still Team Spencer?"

Spencer looked down at his hands. "He says he wants to be. I just…its not that I don't love him. I do, I can't remember a time in the last few years where I haven't loved Derek in some way, its just he hurt me, really badly. And I don't know if I trust him."

Hotch measured his words carefully. "Spencer, _this _I'm asking as your boss: Does the lack of trust bleed into the job?"

Spencer blinked at the sudden change, but understood. "It doesn't. I trust Derek with my life." Spencer was actually surprised at how easily the words came and how true they were. He knew if it came down to it, he could count on Derek unconditionally to have his back if his life were on the line and he'd do the same no hesitation for the other man.

Hotch nodded. "That's all your boss needed to know." Hotch's voice softened. "As your friend, I know somewhat how you feel. When Haley," Hotch cleared his throat and continued, "When Haley had her affair I shut down. I still loved her, and part of me even understood her motivations for doing what she did, but I stopped trusting her. I trusted her to be a good mother to Jack, I knew she was still a good person, but I stopped trusting her with me and I shut her out. I was so hurt, angry, betrayed and completely blindsided that I couldn't trust her with my heart anymore." Hotch looked at Spencer. "Even so, I didn't leave. I still loved her, still wanted her to love me, still wanted Jack to have the family I never did but I kept part of myself away from her. I didn't want to be hurt again, and I didn't trust her not to hurt me and she felt the distance and it just made things worse."

Hotch reached across the table and placed a hand over Spencer's. He looked his friend in the eye and gave his hand a squeeze. "For people like us, trust is a precious commodity. When we do open our hearts we do so without conditions or restrictions so it hurts ten times more when that faith and trust is misplaced."

Spencer let his shoulders slump. "I-I don't give myself away." He confessed. "I mean, not all of me. Every time I do, I get left. My dad, my mom, Elle, Gideon…Derek was the first limb in a long, long time I let myself step out on. I think that's why it hurts so much."

Hotch nodded. "Haley was one of very few leaps of faith I've ever taken in my life. That's why her affair was so hard for me to forgive. It was like…I can't exactly explain it." He trailed off.

"It was like she proved it was all true. That you couldn't trust anyone, that if anyone got in far enough they'd hurt you or-or find out that you aren't worthy, that you have to keep a little piece of yourself to yourself because, because -" Spencer struggled to say the words that Hotch couldn't.

"Because that way they can't take every bit of you with them when they leave. You still have something left." Hotch finished quietly.

Spencer's shoulders slumped. "We're quite the pair aren't we?"

"Yeah we are, but it could be worse." Hotch observed.

"I don't see how." Spencer snorted.

"We could be Rossi. Then we'd be just as screwed up AND paying alimony." Hotch quipped. He exhaled heavily and squared his shoulders. "Whatever you decide to do about Derek is up to you. I won't influence you one way or the other, but I will say this: It hurts like hell to go by halves. If you decide to stay with Derek, find a way to rebuild and forgive. Keeping him in your life but not letting him into your heart…Spencer that hurts like a motherfucker. I promise you neither of you will be happy. I truly believe one of the biggest mistakes I ever made was deciding to stay with Haley without forgiving her. It just broke us both into smaller and smaller pieces and made everything hurt so much more in the end. Don't follow in my footsteps. Forgive and move past it or let go and move on, but don't stay stuck in limbo."

Spencer let the words sink in. "Thanks for caring so much, Hotch. And opening up to me. I know that's not exactly easy for you."

"It's not my usual state of being no." Hotch acknowledged. "I'm not used to opening up to people but I'm a pretty good caretaker," Pain flickered briefly in his eyes and he softly added, "Most of the time."

Spencer looked up at Hotch. "You are a good caretaker. You've taken care of me so many times and…I'm so sorry Ho-Aaron. None of us took very good care of you did we?' Spencer asked, regret marring his features.

Hotch was startled. "Spencer you were incredibly supportive during the divorce and after Haley's death- you were one of the few that braved the belly of the beast to keep me company off the clock."

Spencer shook his head. "I didn't mean about Haley-even though I am-and always will be- really, really sorry about that. I meant about Gideon."

Hotch exhaled slowly, feeling a tightening in his chest and being a little thrown by the change in topics. "Gideon?" He questioned softly.

"And Elle. When Gideon left everyone was so busy taking care of me, that no one really thought to take care of you. He was important to you too, much more than just a friend and co-worker. And he at least left me that letter, you he just…left. And really, if anyone deserved better Hotch, you did. You'd looked up to him, worked with him, been his friend and protégé long before I came along. I was so wrapped in my own hurt and sense of loss I didn't think about you and yours. And everyone else was so busy making sure poor little Spencer didn't crash and burn that you were just left to deal and grieve the best you could." Spencer explained.

He suddenly squeezed Hotch's hand hard, "And Elle. She dumped all her guilt and anger in your lap and walked away. I know she regrets it now-she's told me so and I know she told you too once she got herself together-but at the time everyone was so worried about me and my guilt that none of us helped you with yours. I am really, really sorry Hotch. Sorry about Elle, sorry about Gideon, sorry about Haley and Foyet, your ah, dad, all of it, but mostly sorry that we all just assume you'll be ok and no one ever really helps you through it. Everyone always says how strong you are but…but it's because you have to be. I promise I won't ever just assume that you'll be ok again and-and you don't_have _to be strong all the time anymore either." Spencer vowed.

Hotch couldn't speak, he didn't trust himself not to say something that reveal the depth of his emotions for Spencer. He briefly closed his eyes then he squeezed back and withdrew his hand. "Thank you Spencer. I don't think anyone else has ever really acknowledged how much Gideon meant to me and how badly it hurt…thank you. With Elle…that feeling of failure, even after she called me I still carry that. Thank you for understanding and giving me permission to be less than your stoic, capable, unflappable Unit Chief."

Spencer nodded then grinned "I've seen you in your flannel jammies, singing the theme song to Johnny Test with Jack and I've seen you make the most sadistic Unsubs cry. I value and respect SSA Hotchner, but…Aaron is the guy I trust to come get me from a leather bar at three in the morning. And he doesn't ever have to thank me for doing whatever I can to return the favor."

Hotch smiled. "This," He stated dryly, "Is turning into a chick flick."

Spencer laughed. "Nuh uh. This is the male bonding scene of the cop buddy picture. Now we go out finish our coffee, hitch up our belts, cock our guns, and go kick some bad guy's ass."

Hotch chuckled. "Far be it for me to go off script. You ready?"

Spencer drained his coffee cup and stood up. "Let's get dangerous." He replied.

Hotch laughed. "Lethal Weapon?"

Spencer blushed and shook his head, "Darkwing Duck."

Hotch grinned, "Better watch out you bad boys." He returned.

The two laughed long and loud as they left the diner and made their way across the parking lot.


	14. Chemicals Between Us

A/N: This chapter was inspired by the Hotch/Reid mvid I'll Be Yours by Gleanna30 on Youtube and the Hotch/Reid glance thread on the I Knew You'd Understand forum.

**Again, spoilers from The Fisher King, Minimal Loss, Revelations, L.D.S.K, 100, Elephant's Memory,**

**Chapter 13 Chemicals Between Us**

Derek watched the clock and slowly felt like he was going out of his mind. Spencer had called once he and Hotch had arrived at the Silver Springs police department but he hadn't heard from him since.

Derek turned over and viciously beat his pillow. It was bad enough he had to worry about Spencer being with Hotch, but Spencer had told him that Detective Berry was working the case they were on. He remembered the man from a case they'd helped him work. The man had spent most of the case staring at Spencer and trying to subtly pump Derek for information, while Derek in turn had spent the majority of his time trying to keep Berry's interaction with Spencer to a minimum. While the man claimed that he'd wanted to help the victim and his hands had been tied, even going so far as to say if someone did to his sister what the UnSub was doing to Keri Derzmond he wouldn't take kindly to it, his behavior during the case and especially during the interrogation of the suspect had thrown that into question. He'd been inquisitive, asking question after question about the UnSub's thought process, the chances of Keri's level of fear and resistance going down if the stalker turned out to be someone she knew, whether or not the UnSub was actually even dangerous to Keri since he hadn't threatened her in anyway.

The questions had been unsettling enough, but then during the interrogation the man had gone beyond playing "good cop" to Derek's "bad cop",and spent more time consoling, commiserating with and even comforting Mike Nichols as he cried over his lost "love" than he did trying to close the case. When Berry had told the UnSub he understood that he was just fighting for his destiny and it was Keri's fault for not accepting their mutual fate, and even letting a smile flicker over his face when Nichols described damaging the car of Keri's fiancee because the man was in the way, Derek had gotten the distinct impression that Berry not only identified with the UnSub, but had the potential to be a rather dangerous stalker himself if he got fixated on someone.

Derek had been determined that someone would not be Spencer. He'd made himself a veritable human shield and refused to let Berry have any time alone with Spencer, even going so far as to recruit JJ and Emily to help him. JJ had agreed, even though she'd laughed off Derek's concerns and chalked them up to his then-unspoken feelings for Spencer. Emily however, had taken Derek aside and told him after observing Berry, his interactions with both the UnSub and the victim and his determination to interact with Spencer and quietly agreed that there was something not quite right about the man.

They had all breathed a collective sigh of relief when the case was over and Silver Springs was in their rearview. Now, three years later, Spencer was back in Berry's orbit, without the benefit of Derek's protection and Derek didn't like it one bit.

Derek knew that Hotch was a good enough profiler and protective enough of Spencer to keep him safe from Berry if it came down to it. The problem was there was no one around to keep Spencer safe from Hotch. Derek viciously beat the pillow again. Despite his earlier talk with Penelope, Derek still had misgivings about Hotch being alone with Spencer, especially now that Derek and Spencer were having problems.

Derek hit rewind in his memory and visualized this past afternoon in Spencer's apartment. The passion still burned as hot between them as ever, that much had been made clear, but they would need more than passion to bridge the distance between them. Spencer had been clear that they weren't back together and Derek could practically see the walls the younger man was erecting around his heart.

Walls that wouldn't exist for Hotch. Penelope's words floated back up for Derek_,"…since that whole L.D.S.K thing Spencer and Hotch have had this…connection." _Derek had been so focused on explaining exactly why he was leery of them being alone together he hadn't followed up on the comment at the time. Now he couldn't get it out of his head. Was there a connection between Hotch and Spencer?

Derek wanted to say no, that Spencer and Hotch were no more connected than JJ and Rossi or he and Prentiss, but then he thought about the relationship between Hotch and Spencer. There was a bond between the two of them that went beyond the team dynamic. It was quieter, less obvious than the one Spencer and Morgan had always shared, but it was there.

Derek combined the fibers of a thousand little moments until they created a thread connecting Hotch and Spencer. He'd seen countless quiet conversations between the two on the jet or shared laughs over a game of cards. They always seemed to be in each other's orbit, sitting next to each other or standing next to each other and the two men seemed to have mastered non verbal communication ,Hotch being able to stop Spencer's rambling by a mere raise of his eyebrow or Spencer being able to get Hotch to soften his position with just a glance. The understanding that passed between the two men with a mere look had saved their lives in that ER with Phillip Dowd. Derek had once heard an LEO joking that Hotch and Spencer had been having eye sex. He'd laughed it off at the time as the deputy's over active imagination, but now that he thought about it Derek had lost track of the number of times he'd seen them looking at each other, or one of them outright _staring_ at the other when the other man wasn't looking. He thought about the looks they'd exchanged when Hotch came into the briefing room to collect Jack after meeting with Strauss. The only word to describe it was intimate.

Then there was the touching. Hotch _touched_ Spencer, not as much as Derek did, but he did touch him and Hotch, unlike Derek, wasn't one for casual touching. Spencer seemed to be the exception to that rule, Hotch habitually gifted the younger man with a clap on the shoulder, a squeeze on the arm, a guiding hand on the small of back, or stood so close their shoulders brushed…and Spencer, who didn't like being touched and was notorious about protecting his personal space, never seemed to mind.

Derek's memory became a kaledoscope of moments between Spencer and Hotch, blending into one another and morphing to form new pictures. Hotch insisting that Spencer walk next to Haley's casket since he couldn't be a pall bearer due to his knee injury. The things Hotch let Spencer get away with that no one else could: sitting on the furniture, using paper files instead of their notepads, that stunt with Owen Savage. Anyone else would have been fired; Jordan had told a white lie and Hotch had nearly taken her head off. Spencer had manipulated them, risked his life and the lives of others, and broken protocol and he hadn't even been written up. Derek went back and forth in his head, but of all the images and memories he got the ones he kept going back to, the ones that were burned into his brain, came from the nightmare they'd all lived in Georgia.

When Hankel had held that gun to his head and demanded Spencer choose one of them to die, Derek had been so focused on his own grief and rage that he'd paid little attention to anyone else's. It wasn't until they got Spencer back and some time had passed that Derek had been able to look at the experience with a wider scope. Everyone had been raw and on edge, with Gideon nearly suffering another break down when Spencer had stopped breathing, but Hotch is who had made an impression on Derek.

Their normally composed and controlled unit chief had quietly, subtly come undone at Spencer's kidnapping. Where JJ had worn her guilt openly for all to see and assauge, Hotch had carried his burden alone, convinced he deserved to. When Hankel had held a gun to Spencer's head and pulled the trigger not once, but four times Hotch, their unyielding, unblinking Unit Chief had not only _blinked _but struggled to not look away.

Then there was Reid. When he'd been at the end of his rope and he had _one last chance_ at salvation, he'd put all his faith, pinned all his hopes and bet his life on _**HOTCH**_. Not Gideon, his mentor and father figure, the man who'd recruited him, supported him, challenged him and believed in him, but on Hotch. And Hotch, by some miracle that Derek still didn't quite understand, had come through.

But the moment, the ONE moment that stood out above all the rest came at the end of the ordeal. When Spencer had come to the conclusion that the calvary was either taking too damn long or just not coming at all, the kid had then decided he'd save himself. When that shot rang out across that desolate graveyard, Hotch had taken off at a furious pace and even though Gideon had been the first to reach him, Hotch had dropped to his knees in the dirt and helped him up and then it happened.

The embrace and the words that had been branded into Derek's memory. _I knew you'd understand._ Spencer, who didn't like to be touched and Hotch, who didn't like to let his emotions show, had clung to each other and Hotch hadn't let go until his eyes had met Derek's, and Derek could have sworn he saw guilt in those eyes. At the time he thought it was guilt for sending JJ and Spencer out together to interview Hankel, but now Derek wasn't sure it Hotch hadn't felt guilty for an entirely different reason.

_I knew you'd understand_. It had taken all these years and his current rift with Spencer for the weight of those words to crash down on Derek. When Spencer was literally staring down the barrel of a gun, he'd counted on Hotch to come through for him. In the world of Spencer Reid, where trust was dispensed in small, measured doses and defended like a maiden in an ivory tower, that was as big as it got. If Spencer felt like he could trust Hotch with what could have been his dying breath how much longer could it be before he decided he could trust him with his heart as well?

Derek groaned and gave up trying to sleep. He glanced at the time, said a prayer, reached for the phone and dialed.

The phone rang twice and then it was picked up, "You've reached the queen of the night, what are you wearing and how do you want me?"

Derek laughed. "I'm sorry for calling so late Baby Girl but I really need to talk."

"Its not a problem dark and lovely. Emily's here and we are working our way through a man candy marathon. Lucky for you, you fit right in." Penelope replied brightly.

"Man candy marathon?" Derek repeated blankly.

"Uh huh. Movies with absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever, save gratuitous nudity and an obscene amount of shirtless scenes by various hot Hollywood studs, a.k.a man candy."

Derek laughed. "And they say us men are dogs."

"Woof woof baby. Now why are you calling me? Are you ok?"

Derek sighed. "I was just thinking about Hotch and Reid and-"

"Derek! We went over this already. My little Baby Genius is undeniably yours and has been for years. You have nothing to worry about." Penolope broke in.

Derek tried to let himself be reassured. "If that's the case then what did you mean when you said Hotch and Reid had a connection?"

There was a long silence on the other end of the phone, then she finally spoke. "I just meant they are…close. Not like you and Spencer are, or were, but…close."

Derek heard the hesitation in Penelope's voice. "What do you mean by close, Baby Girl?'

Penelope grunted in frustration. "Derek they're close ok. Like…me and you. Deep, meaningful, _platonic_ closeness." She explained.

"You can't compare that Baby Girl. Hotch is definitely _not _feeling platonic towards Spencer." Derek maintained.

"Yeah well, I wasn't always platonic towards you." Penelope fired back.

Derek stilled. "You…ah, what?"

"Oh you heard me. And that was a long time ago so don't you dare get shocked and awed on me. Point is, you never knew, I got over it and we're _close, _just like Hotch and Reid. The attraction only goes one way. You've got no worries. Now close those gorgeous eyes of yours and get some sleep."

Derek sighed. Penelope had surprised him, but she was right. As long as the attraction wasn't mutual he had nothing to worry about. Spencer may have a subconscious attraction to Hotch, but that's probably as far as things went. He was driving himself crazy over nothing.

"Thanks Baby Girl. And uh, if I had known you ah, you-"

"You my chocolate dream, were already completely besotted with everyone's favorite coffee connoisseur by then. And its _fine. _You got your geek and I got mine. Now go to bed so I can get back to the consumption of empty man calories."

Derek shook his head and grinned. "You do that. Night Baby Girl. Tell Emily I said hey and I'm sorry for interrupting your uh, man candy marathon."

Derek hung up feeling a little lighter. He knew he wouldn't be entirely at ease until Spencer was back and they could talk, but speaking with Penelope had taken the edge off enough so he could at least sleep. He settled back into bed and closed his eyes, images of Spencer carrying him off to dreamland.

"Is Derek ok?" Emily asked once Penelope had hung up.

"He will be." The bubbly blond answered. "He just needed to freak the freak out for a minute. I handled it."

"What's he freaking about at two in the morning?" Emily asked. "Tell me he did not pick up some random piece of strange-"

"Emily! Derek did no such thing. He was upset about Spencer being gone with Hotch." Penelope explained.

Emily nodded. "I can understand why he would be." She said, popping an M&M into her mouth.

Penelope looked at her friend in open mouthed shock. "What does _that _mean?" She blurted out.

Emily shrugged. "You may be the Diva of Desktops, but I'm a profiler and Hotch and Spencer have _tons_ of unresolved sexual tension and chemistry between them. Although I don't think either is aware that the attraction isn't one sided."

Penelope snatched the bowl of M&M's away from Emily. "Spill now or never eat chocolate again."

Emily sighed. "We've all been so wrapped up in Derek and Spencer, because really there was no missing what was going on there, that no one really noticed Spencer and Hotch, but trust me when I tell you its there."

"What's there?" Penelope asked, bewildered.

"Have you really never noticed those two? My god Penny, Hotch looks at him like he's going to _devour_ him. And Spencer looks back at him like he wouldn't mind one bit." Emily took the bowl of candies back from her shocked friend, "Like I said though, I don't think either of them see it. Hotch is probably self aware enough to know he's at least attracted to Spencer but I think Spencer is so devoted to and focused on Derek that he doesn't even notice how he is around Hotch."

"Are-are you sure Em?" Penelope asked. "I just told Derek he had nothing to worry about."

"And he doesn't." Emily stated firmly. "Hotch would never make the first move, Spencer would have to initiate it. Which we both know he won't because Spencer isn't the cheating type."

Penelope closed her eyes and winced. "What if…what if Derek and Spencer broke up?" She asked slowly.

Emily's hand stilled with a green M&M halfway up to her mouth and her eyes widened in comprehension. "Then Derek has every reason to freak the freak out. I mean, you know what they say…the best way to get over someone-"

"Is to get under someone else." Penelope finished glumly.

"You know it. And Hotch would be all too willing to let Reid get under him if he so desired." Prentiss remarked.

"Do not let Derek hear you say that." Penelope admonished.

Emily laughed. "Do I look like I have a death wish?"

Penelope grinned. "You know, all this drama could be avoided if the boys would just agree to share."

Emily choked on her chocolate. "Only in your photoshopped dreams. Morgan and Hotch are quintessential alpha males. They'd meet each other with pistols and white gloves before they shared Reid. Let's hope they don't decide to duke it out for the resident genius."

Penelope shuddered as she got a mental picture of the type of damage her friends could inflict on each other if they chose to. "Morgan does teach hand to hand…."

"Considering what he did to Foyet, I don't think Hotch needs the classes." Emily remarked dryly.

"This could get really bad couldn't it?" Penelope asked.

Emily exhaled slowly and looked her friend in the eye. "If Hotch so much as breathes on Reid and Morgan finds out…somebody's leaving Quantico in handcuffs and somebody's leaving in a body bag."

"And Rossi will be left in charge." Penelope finished.

"Dave would retire again first." Emily stated sounding sure.

Penelope's eyes narrowed. "Oh _Dave_ would, would he? When did you get privy to the inner workings of our local lothario?"

Emily blushed.

"What happened when he took you for that drink the other day, hmmm missy.?" Penelope questioned.

"Nothing I have any intention of sharing with you. Now shut up and pass the popcorn." Emily answered.


	15. Something I Can Never Have

A/N First I am so super sorry the update has taken six thousand years. I was super sick and in the hospital for a couple of weeks and then my computer crashed and since I'm so not Garcia, I had to buy a new one. But I'm feeling much better and have a brand new comp and so you guys get brand new chapters! Hopefully it was worth the wait.

**Chapter 14 I Just Want Something I Can Never Have**

When it came to his personal life, David Rossi knew well his vices and virtues. Of the former he possessed a great many, of the latter precious few. Unfortunately for Aaron Hotchner, patience could not be counted among those virtues in Dave's possession. As David sat across from Aaron, bleary eyed and nursing a cup of coffee he was slightly pissed off and becoming increasingly impatient as he waited for Aaron to stop beating around the bush and explain why he'd come calling before eight a.m. on their day off.

Dave's limited patience ran out when Aaron began to regale him with tales of Jack's prowess on something called a Wii. "Aaron, I got up at seven am on my day off. I fed you the best Eggs Benedict you'll ever have, I made small talk, I even sat through your recap of the Silver Springs case but now I'm done. I'm sure Jack's mastery of Just Dance is the stuff of legends but if you don't get to the god damn point already and tell me why you're here I'm going to bludgeon you to death with my coffee cup."

Hotch exhaled. He'd known that Dave would call him on the carpet sooner or later. He took a fortifying breath and looked his friend in the eye, "Spencer." He said knowing that one word would open the floodgates.

"What about Reid." Dave asked warily.

"Technically he's a free man. He and Morgan broke up." Hotch explained, struggling to keep his voice neutral.

"I see." Dave's eyes slid toward the liquor cabinet. He cursed Aaron for darkening his door before drinking hours.

"No Dave, I don't think you do." Hotch replied.

"I think I've got the general idea." Dave shot back. "Or did you think I missed that note of hope in your voice?"

Hotch grimaced. He'd come to Dave because he knew he'd force him to be honest but now that he was confronted with the reality of that plan he was having second thoughts. "I'm not happy that Spencer's in pain." He hedged.

"But you are happy that he's fair game?" Dave pressed.

"He's not." Hotch stated. "And even if he were, I've never let myself seriously consider a future with Spencer. Personal and professional complications aside, there's always been Morgan. You'd have to be a blind man not to see the chemistry between the two of them."

"What about the chemistry between the two of you?" Dave countered.

"What?" Hotch asked, slightly taken aback.

"You heard me. The two of you have made suppression an art form but it's there and despite what you may think Aaron, it's noticeable." Dave replied.

"There's nothing to notice." Hotch insisted.

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt my friend." Dave huffed, "Trust me on this Aaron, anyone who knows you and knows Reid can pick up on the signals."

"Anyone who isn't Spencer apparently. He's blissfully unaware or purposely turning a blind eye." Hotch said.

"You think he knows how you feel and is just choosing not to acknowledge it?" Dave asked.

Hotch thought about how uncomfortable Spencer had seemed once Det. Berry had been blatant about his interest in him. "No, Spencer is a lot of things but subtle isn't one of them. If he knew and didn't feel the same way he would be, on some level, uncomfortable around me. That isn't the case so I don't think he has a clue."

"And?"

"And what Dave?" Hotch retorted irritably.

"And what do you plan to do about it?" Dave asked undeterred.

"I don't plan to do anything," Hotch said firmly, "Things aren't settled between Spencer and Derek. Me leaping into the mix would only confuse him and Spencer has to decide what he wants to do about his relationship with Derek without any interference from me."

"Very politically correct Aaron. Now why don't you cut the crap and tell me what you want?" Dave responded.

"What I want doesn't matter. This is about Spencer."

"Jesus Aaron, fall on your fucking sword why don't you?" Dave snapped. He ignored Hotch's death glare and pressed on, "The way I see it you've got two choices here pal: either man the fuck up or back the hell off. Which one is it gonna be?"

"It's not that simple Dave and you damn well know it. Wasn't it just a couple of days ago you were telling me what a train wreck of an idea Spencer and I would be?" Hotch snapped back.

"A couple of days ago he was Reid, not Spencer," Dave retorted dryly. "Look Hotch, I got three ex-wives, the only people I ever made happy were divorce attorneys so maybe I'm not the guy whose advice you want to take when it comes to getting to happily ever after. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I've completely changed my mind, Reid is emotionally compromised on a good day, coming off a break up he's gonna be that much more vulnerable. And you," He spared Hotch a glance, "aren't much better. You're still finding your balance after this past year Aaron. A rebound is the last thing either of you need. When you add Morgan to the mix and the fact that you both work with and have relationships with him, it gets dicey."

"I'm aware of all this Dave." Hotch bristled.

"Plus Morgan," Dave continued as if he hadn't been interrupted," isn't exactly a bow out gracefully kind of guy. He may have completely screwed the pooch, but he loves the kid and he'll fight for him, and you're both competitive. You may not mean to, but your ego's and your pride are would be as invested as your hearts if you two went head to head over Spencer."

"And Morgan and I going ten rounds for Spencer would destroy us, divide the team but most of all it would devastate Spencer." Hotch finished up.

Dave gave him a hard look. "For a man in love you don't have a lot of faith in or respect for Reid. If you did you might trust him enough to make his own choices.""

"I have nothing but respect for Spencer; it's not about trusting him it's about protecting him! I refuse to do to him what I did to Haley and-" Hotch realized too late he'd said too much and used his denial on the wrong thing. "You tricky son of a bitch." He muttered.

"Whatever works." Rossi was unapologetic. "Aaron, you didn't do anything to Haley. You loved her and she loved you; you two just grew apart. It happens; it doesn't make either of you bad people. It just means that you two became different people who wanted different things. And Spencer," Dave continued, "Isn't Haley. If anyone understands your drive and ambition, the sacrifices you've made and exactly why the BAU means so much to you it's him. You love the kid. At least you're finally admitting it. How about you take the next leap and be honest about why you aren't giving him the chance to love you back?"

"I have been honest Dave." Hotch said. "I don't even know that Spencer's interested in me! There's Jack to consider, he's still healing from Haley's death. I'm not sure he's ready to star in My Two Dads just yet. Then there's our careers- I'm his boss for Christ's sake! And there's the team, if it didn't work out or one of us was forced to transfer, or Morgan couldn't handle it and he left or -"

"Bullshit." Dave said flatly.

"W-what?" Hotch asked blankly.

"I said bullshit." Dave repeated, "You've come up with a million reasons to hide behind and not one of them is the truth." He held his hand up when he saw Hotch about to speak, "I'm not saying your concerns aren't valid, but we both know they aren't what's holding you back. Bottom line is you're scared Aaron. You've loved two people in your life: Haley and Reid. You lost Haley and you're scared as hell to take the chance on losing Reid as well."

"Friends don't let friends profile each other." Hotch complained.

"That's not profiling, that's reaping the benefit of years of friendship. Look Aaron, "Dave leaned forward, "If you're holding back because you aren't sure of what you feel or sure of Reid, then you're doing the right thing, but if you're letting your fear or my opinion or even concern for the team dictate this decision for you then you're being a fool." Dave said.

"Contrary to your belief, your opinion doesn't carry that much weight Dave." Hotch snorted, then turned serious. "My marriage falling apart, losing Haley, failing her and Jack...that damn near broke me. And then Foyet...I barely survived that Dave. I don't know that I could love and lose again. And the team...I'm Unit Chief; I have a responsibility to lead and set the example. Carrying on with one of my subordinates and opening us up to more scrutiny from Strauss is hardly stellar leadership. And you saw how JJ, Penelope and Emily reacted the trouble between Reid and Morgan, there's already a fracture-"

"Fear and guilt are a hell of a combo to let control your life." Dave said. "You can keep being safe or you can try to be happy." Dave met Aaron's gaze, "As far as the team goes, I got a newsflash for you Aaron: This team isn't gonna last forever. And this isn't anyone's first rodeo, not even Reid's. We've all worked with other teams and as ambitious as Reid, Morgan and Prentiss are you know eventually they're gonna be moving up and moving on, if not in another department in the Bureau then to their own teams in the BAU. And it's just a matter of time before JJ or Penelope gets poached by someone higher up on the food chain. Teams come and go Aaron, you know that, you've been there yourself with Gideon. How many people from your first team are even still in the Bureau, let alone the BAU? You should know better than anyone that we've been damn lucky to last this long. This team, as strong as our bond is, as well as we work together, as good as we are, will end one day." Dave leaned forward and fixed Aaron with a hard look, "What you need to do is ask yourself if when that day comes will it have been worth sacrificing whatever happiness you could've had with Reid? The team, the job, hell even the Bureau, one day Aaron, it all goes away. And take it from me, when it does it's not as big a tragedy as you think it is when you're young and ambitious."

"And what about Morgan? He's a good friend Dave, I can't just stab him in the back." Hotch maintained.

"You wouldn't be." Dave insisted. "You didn't have anything to do with their break up."

"So if I showed up to our next team dinner with one your ex-wives on my arm you wouldn't be the least bit upset with me?" Hotch inquired.

"Not even a little bit." Dave grinned, "I'd be too busy feeling sorry for you."

Hotch laughed, "Yeah, you probably would Dave. But Spencer isn't the ex from hell and Morgan is far from over him." Hotch pointed out.

"Look, I like Derek. He's a good guy and I don't want to see him hurt any more than you do." Dave asserted. "But I also don't want to see you sacrifice your happiness for his. He had his shot with the kid and if he blew it he's got no one to blame but himself. If you repeat this I'll deny it, but you could do a lot worse than Reid. The kid's got a good heart, he understands you and the job, he's good with your kid which for Reid is a minor miracle, and given how the girls reacted to him when we ran into him at that club the other night when you get him out of the Mr. Wizard wear, he cleans up pretty good." Dave looked Hotch in the eye, "Believe it or not, there was a time when I was actually thinking about encouraging you to go for it with him."

Hotch looked at Dave in shock. "What are you saying Dave?"

"The same thing I said earlier. Man the fuck up or back the hell off. Figure out what you really want Aaron and then go for it. Just make sure whatever you decide it's because it's what YOU want. Don't do what you think is best for the team, or Morgan, or even Spencer. Do what would be best for you, for your happiness. Think about yourself and your son and to hell with everyone and everything else. Aaron give yourself permission to be a little selfish." Dave gave Hotch a serious look and continued, "But don't dare make a move on that kid until you know for sure exactly what it is you do want. If he shows up to work looking like a kicked puppy again, Emily will go ape on someone. I already had to talk her out of going section 8 on Morgan, I don't know if I could keep her from unleashing the beast on you."

Hotch raised his eyebrows, "Emily?" He questioned. "When did Prentiss become Emily? And when did you get such an incredible amount of influence over her?"

"I invited Emily to join me for a drink the other day. As civilized people do when engaging in such an activity we made pleasant conversation and the topic of Reid and Morgan came up." Dave answered stiffly.

"A drink huh? Must have been some drink if she's Emily now." Hotch teased. "Did you offer to cook her dinner and show her your wine cellar yet? As I recall those were two of your best moves."

"She's coming over this evening for dinner and a tour." Dave grudgingly admitted.

Hotch burst into laughter and Dave gave him a withering look. "Not a word Aaron. Not a god damn word." Dave said. He decided to ignore both the hour and his liver as he rose from the table and headed for his liquor cabinet.


	16. Wonderwall

**Chapter 15 You're My Wonderwall**

"Do you hear that Spencer?" It's the sound of your pancreas crying." Cam said as she eyed her friend pouring a mountain of sugar into his coffee.

Spencer shrugged. "My blood sugar levels were normal at my last check up," He eyed the river of syrup on Cam's waffles, "Besides, you're hardly in a position to throw stones."

Cam grinned sheepishly. "Sugar addicts should not have breakfast together. We are total enablers." She said as she reached for the chocolate syrup.

Spencer smiled and swiped a piece of Cameron's waffle, "You are the ying to my sugar addicted yang." He replied.

Cam looked at her friend. "Spencer, you know I'm always up for breakfast at Zacharra's, which by the way Mrs. Z. will only make for you, but you don't move before noon on your days off so what's the sitch?" A gleam lit in Cameron's eye and she waited for Spencer to take a sip of his coffee before she pounced, "Have you been a naughty boy? Did you and the seriously hot Agent Hotchner mix a little pleasure with your business?"

Spencer choked on his coffee. "What! NO! Why would you even ask me that?"

Cam just giggled and shook her head. She'd only met the man once, but that had been more than enough for Spencer's boss to leave an impression. "No reason, just hoping you finally snapped and did something completely scandalous. So if this isn't about the guy that put the hot in Hotchner, I can only assume it's about Derek. So what's up?"

Spencer pushed his hair behind his ear and sighed. "I'm going to see him later and I'm not entirely sure what I want to have happen or even if it's a good idea to see Derek in the first place."

Cam chewed on her waffle thoughtfully, then dusted the top with powdered sugar and took a bite. "Spencer," she said around the mouthful, "You don't have to decide anything today or tomorrow or next week. If you aren't ready to deal with Derek on a personal level then don't."

Spencer sipped his coffee. "I don't know what I'm feeling when it comes to Derek. I mean, one minute I'm so hurt I'm throwing away every gift he ever gave me and the next I'm digging them all out of the trash. We were alone in my apartment for all of ten minutes and if Hotch hadn't called we would have had sex right there on my couch."

"You, Derek and sofa sex? To be a fly on that wall... So would it have been break up sex or make up sex?" Cam questioned.

"What?" Spencer asked. "Wha- why are you...what difference does that make?"

"Ah, my dear Doctor Love, it makes all the difference. Break up sex is one for the road; make up sex is just what the name implies. So what exactly were you thinking when you and Derek were getting your groove on?"

"I ah, wasn't." Spencer said.

"You are ALWAYS thinking Spencer. You're calculating odds, connecting seemingly random bits of information, contemplating string theory...your brain never completely turns off. It may not always be calling the shots, but it's always engaged on some level. At some point, before your body took over, you had coherent thought. So what were you thinking?" Cam pushed.

"I ah, I was thinking that I love him and that, uh...I wanted to be with him. That we ah, that we fit, that I missed him, and that I missed being with him." Spencer said.

"Well that line of thinking pretty much counts out break up sex." Cam said, "So we know you still love Derek although that was never in question. You know that you're still attracted to Derek, which just means you have eyes and a pulse. So you respond physically to him and you still love him, what other response does Derek elicit from you?"

Spencer gave Cam a wry smile. "This is starting to feel less like breakfast with a friend and more like a psych eval. How much is this gonna cost me?" He joked.

Cam raised an eyebrow. "No more than the price of a semi-balanced breakfast. I wasn't planning on blowing the dust off my PhD," She grinned and suggestively licked her fork," But if you really wanna play doctor..."

"Cam!" Spencer exclaimed. "I need you to be serious here."

"I would think I've more than demonstrated that I am quite serious about us doing things that are illegal in at least 48 of the 50 states." She said glibly. She then leaned over and tweaked Spencer's nose, "But I digress. Back to Derek and more specifically your feelings about Derek. What do you feel when you think of him?"

Spencer was quiet for a long moment. "I guess the best word is conflicted."

Cam looked at Spencer. "Conflicted is a very clinical word Dr. Reid. Its non committal, non specific, and doesn't really tell me anything. What emotions do you feel when you think of Derek?"

Spencer narrowed his eyes. "I really don't like therapy Cam."

Cam shrugged. "Neither do I Spencer. That's why I don't practice. But our mutual dislike didn't stop us last time you needed help, no reason to let it stop us now. So answer the question."

Spencer bit his lip. "I really don't like therapy Cam." He repeated.

Cam grabbed Spencer's hand and gave it a squeeze. "Like I said, neither do I. This isn't me shrinking you. This is me helping my friend figure out how he feels and what he wants. So, c'mon you know the drill. When I think of Derek I feel..."

Spencer closed his eyes. "When I think of Derek I feel love. When I think of Derek I feel hurt. When I think of Derek I feel betrayed. I feel rejected, insecure, desire, understood, protective, protected, afraid, and longing." He opened his eyes and whispered, "When I think of Derek I used to feel safe."

"So there are positive and negative emotions there. Feeling safe is important to you and you said you used to feel safe with Derek and you don't anymore. Do you feel physically unsafe or emotionally unsafe?" Cam asked gently.

"Emotionally," Spencer answered without hesitation. "I don't think that Derek would ever physically attack me, despite what happened at the club, physical violence has never been a part of our relationship and I honestly believe if I had handled things differently it wouldn't have entered into it that night, given that I'm the one who started throwing punches in the first place." Spencer asserted. "Derek has gone out of his way the last few years to keep me safe on the job, I don't doubt that if we were tracking an UnSub I could trust him to have my back."

"So you don't fear for your physical safety and your professional trust in him remains intact. Those are good things, Spencer. What is it that makes you question your emotional safety?" Cam asked.

"Finding Natalia wrapped around his naked body had a lot to do with that." Spencer snapped, then took a deep breath and continued, "I think I always have on some level. I, ah, when we started out he wasn't sure he could handle a real relationship and truthfully I didn't know if I could either. I was always afraid that he'd walk away, so I kind of kept myself ready for the other shoe to drop."

"Was this fear of being left Derek specific or related to your abandonment issues?"

"It's definitely Derek specific." Spencer said firmly. "Derek wasn't solid in the beginning, but neither was I. We worked on it and it took a couple of months to straighten out but we worked through most of our issues."

"Most?" Cam questioned.

"Most." Spencer repeated, "It was a sore spot that he wouldn't tell his family about us."

"And how did that make you feel?" Cam asked.

Spencer and met locked eyes. "_This_," Spencer said slowly, "is getting dangerously close to the end of the hour Doctor."

Cam winced. "I get it babe and I'm sorry. But seriously Spencer, it's a legit question. How did you feel about Derek keeping you two a secret?"

"Hurt. I felt unwanted and a little...rejected." Spencer revealed.

"And?"

"And what Cam? Isn't that enough?" Spencer sighed.

Cam cocked her head to the side. "Why didn't you tell Derek what you were feeling? I gotta say I also find it interesting that you haven't mentioned being angry with Derek at all. Most people in your position would have been."

Spencer's mouth opened and closed with no sound coming out. "I...didn't want to fight with him. I was scared to...pressure him. And why would I say I was angry when I wasn't?"

Cam made a time out sign and shook her head. "The doctor has temporarily left the building. Spencer, I was with you in that club and you were pissed. I admit you had some help getting there, but the only times I've ever seen you that angry is when you got back from Vegas after seeing your dad and after Texas and that whole Owen Savage case was eating at you. You actually hit Derek, and you're the poster boy for "Use your words". You can't tell me that anger was all about one comment he made in the heat of the moment-"

"It wasn't a throwaway comment, it was-"

"Derek hitting you where he thought it would hurt." Cam interrupted. She cleared her throat. "Which in all honesty we were all doing that night, but it does bring up an interesting point...why doesn't he know you see Gideon on a pretty regular basis? Or that Elle stayed with you when she came to DC last year? Or that your father has been trying to establish a relationship with you and you're the one keeping your distance?"

"No one knows those things but you and my mom." Spencer said.

"And yet Derek is the one you've been having a relationship with. Spencer, doesn't that strike you as strange?" Cam asked gently.

"I don't know, maybe." Spencer answered slowly.

"Tell me this-when he asked you keep your distance while his family was here what did you feel?"

"Hurt, rejected, unwanted, humiliated and...I don't know, I felt a lot."

"But no anger?" Cam pushed.

"What if I am angry?" Spencer snapped. "Don't I have a right to be? He denies me for months, exiles me while his family is here, then ambushes me when he sees that I'm not at home crying in my Cheerios, never mind the fact that he was the one on a date! "

"Well now we're getting somewhere." Cam said. "So how long have you been angry with Derek?"

"I, I guess for awhile now." Spencer admitted, "I mean, intellectually, I understood why he kept us a secret but emotionally I still felt angry and hurt. I just...I didn't want to pressure Derek so I didn't say anything."

"And why didn't you want to pressure him?"

Spencer sighed. "Cam, you keep returning to this line of questioning. It's fairly obvious there's something you want me to recognize, so why don't you just tell me what it is?"

"Because this doesn't work that way Spencer and you know it. Besides, I'm hardly an objective party, being Team Spencer and all. The last thing you need is for my bias to influence your insights. So...why didn't you tell Derek how you felt about being kept separate from his family?"

Spencer's shoulders slumped. "I guess I've always known the answer to that. I was afraid. I was afraid of pushing him too hard and losing him. I've ah, always been afraid of losing Derek so uh, I don't push, I don't say anything even when it's important to me."

Cam nodded. "Ok...that's good Spencer. Now here's the hard part -"

"I actually think we have done the hard part." Spencer interjected.

"Almost love muffin." Cam gave his hand a squeeze, "You've said several times now that you were afraid to tell Derek your real feelings but never why. Why were you afraid to tell Derek how you felt?"

Spencer stared at the remains of his breakfast for a few seconds. "I...I didn't trust him." He whispered.

"And there you have it babe." Cam said softly. "You didn't trust Derek, not completely. Derek kept you a secret from his family and for you that validated the lack of trust. The root of all evil when it comes to you and Derek is trust and it's been an issue since the beginning. If you're gonna work things out with him then you're going to have to confront it head on."

"Thanks Cam, this actually helped-"

"Hold your horses there. I'm not done, "Cam cut him off, "Derek isn't the only one that kept you two in a tidy little box separate from the rest of his life."

"What? I did no such thing! My mom knew about us, so did you and-"

"How many Sunday dinners with the Zacharra's have you taken Derek to? How many visits with Gideon have you had that you've kept secret? How often have you let him tag along on your days with Henry? How many times have you been to Bennington in the past few months and not even invited him? Your mom knows about you two but have you taken Derek for a visit? Have you taken him to the park where you play chess and introduced him to the kids there? Would Derek and I have ever even met if I hadn't walked in on you two? Spencer, honey, you've been keeping Derek as isolated as he was keeping you.

Spencer was stunned. "I have not! I haven't kept him a secret...everyone knows about us." He maintained.

"Spencer, you didn't keep Derek a secret but can you honestly say you voluntarily shared any part of your life that he didn't already know about?"

Spencer thought about what Cam was saying and had to admit it was true. He hadn't let Derek into some of the most important places in his life. He hadn't shared his relationship with his mother or his reconnections with Gideon and Elle; he hadn't explained about his father or made an effort to involve him in his relationships with Henry or the Zacharras. Spencer had, in his own way, been shutting Derek out from day one. He didn't give Derek any more of himself as a lover than he had when they were friends and co-workers. He looked up at Cam and smiled. "Dr. Cavanaugh, you are good."

"Coming from you Dr. Reid, that's high praise indeed." Cam grinned "So what do you plan to do with your newfound insights?"

"I have no idea." Spencer confessed. "But it helped to get it all out there. I guess I need to figure out if I'm willing to actually trust Derek and if I'm not, then I need to be honest with him and with myself.'

Cam nodded. "Good. You can't fault Derek for not changing if you don't let him know when things are bothering you and you can't expect him to give any more to the relationship than you yourself are willing to give. I'm totally Team Spencer, but someone I have a great deal of respect for once told me that if I insist on treating life like a game I should always play fair." She gave Spencer a blinding smile and continued, "Now that we got that out of the way, you gonna eat that waffle?" She asked, inching her fork towards Spencer's plate.

"Touch my waffle and you'll pull back a nub." Spencer threatened, pulling his plate away and pointing his knife towards Cam.

"Oh c'mon Spencer. I just totally Dr. Phil'd you. You owe me." Cam complained.

"Dr. Phil is a television personality whose particular brand of "treatment" is nothing more thinly veiled exploitation in his pursuit of fame and fortune. If you Dr. Phil'd me, I would be well within my rights to sue you for malpractice. And no, you may not have my waffles. How about I name my first born after you?" Spencer teased.

"Hmmm...how about I have your first born instead?" Cam cracked.

Spencer laughed. "Shut up and pass the chocolate syrup."

Cam passed the bottle, as he covered his waffles Spencer decided to bite the bullet, "Why don't you practice? You're good...really good. And you don't make it all the way to a PhD if you don't love the subject matter. So why the sudden change in direction?"

Cam shrugged. "I like psychology...but I love art. Besides, present company excluded, artists tend to be way hotter. Broker, but hotter. It's really as simple as me being shallow and deciding to follow my bliss."

Spencer knew Cam well enough to know she was far from shallow and with her nothing was that simple but decided to let the matter drop.

Cam gave Spencer a sly smile, "Speaking of following my bliss...what do you say to me, you, a bottle of maple syrup and -"

Spencer rolled his eyes and laughed, "I say depends on how drunk you get me." He joked.

Cam grinned, "Mrs. Zacharra," She called out, "Tell me you have the ingredients for mimosa's!"


	17. White Flag

**Chapter 16 White Flag**

"Honey Bunny, I'm all for a little hot chocolate with my pancakes but are you gonna tell me what has you at my door this morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed?" Penelope asked as she sat at her kitchen table in her bathrobe and fuzzy slippers eating the pancakes Derek Morgan had just brought over.

"Can't a guy visit his Baby Girl?" Derek asked, flashing his trademark grin.

"Not before noon on a Saturday." Penelope cracked. "Spill it mister, right now. What's troubling you, my dove?"

"Spencer." Derek said, taking a seat across from Penelope. "He and Hotch wrapped up early so he got back yesterday and he's coming over later."

"And you're freaking out." Penelope guessed.

"Is it that obvious?" Derek said with a sigh, "Penny, I don't wanna blow this. Spencer says not to expect anything but it's hard not to hope. I love him and he loves me and regardless of how it happened now that my family knows about us I can start making things up to him. If he can forgive me for what happened with Natalia and what I said in that club-"

"You are such a man." Penelope interrupted. "You do know what went down between you two in that club was a symptom, not the problem."

Derek nodded slowly, "I know Spencer and I have things to work on. I don't listen, he doesn't talk, neither of us are great communicators. But I'm willing to do whatever it takes to show him that I am the man he needs me to be."

Penelope gave Derek a small smile. "Honey how sure of that are you?"

"What do you mean?" Derek asked.

"Derek," Penelope began, "I've been watching you two dance around each other for years. You wanted him but you didn't make a move until you saw someone else trying to play in your sandbox. I think seeing someone else show an interest in Spencer forced you to act before you were ready and well, hon your good intentions where Spencer's concerned have always been playing catch up with your capabilities."

Derek drummed his fingers on the table top. "Baby Girl, it wasn't jealousy that forced my hand that night," at the look Penelope gave him he conceded, "I mean, it wasn't just jealousy. I saw that guy with Spencer and it just...Penny it hurt. The thought of him with someone else it...I couldn't breathe. And yeah, I wasn't the poster boy for commitment but it was never for the reasons you guys all thought it was."

Penelope narrowed her eyes. "Enlighten me then my chocolate cherry."

Derek rubbed the back of his neck. "Spencer isn't the only one with insecurities." He murmured. "I have my fair share of demons Baby Girl and...The idea that someone else would be able to live with them when they're almost too much for me to bear at times...it didn't seem very likely."

Penelope didn't bother to hide her surprise, "Derek Morgan insecure?"

Derek barked a bitter laugh. "Baby Girl, it's easy to get someone to stick around for a night or two, or an odd weekend here and there, but it's a different story when you start talking about someone being around for the long haul. Finding out I wasn't worth the trouble once was more than enough."

"Ah," Penelope said, "You got your heart drop kicked back in the day."

Derek closed his eyes. "It was, to quote the song, A Love TKO."

"What happened?" Penelope asked softly.

Derek shook his head, "I come with a lot of baggage and she didn't want to carry it. She told me that she wasn't in the business of fixing broken people and that all my good qualities didn't outweigh the damage. It took me a long time to put myself back together after that, but I did and I swore I'd never put myself in that position again."

"That bitch." Penelope swore, "You tell me who she was and I will rain down vengeance upon her the likes of which she has never-"

Derek laughed, "I bet you could and you would, but it's not even that serious. I dealt with it and I moved on, but I won't deny it left its mark," At the stricken look on Penelope's face he hurried on, "Don't look like that. I wasn't exactly miserable Penny. I wasn't exactly happy but I was content with my life the way it was. I had good friends, a loving family, a job I loved that I was successful at, financial security and if I got lonely I never had to look too hard for company. I decided I didn't want or need a relationship."

"And then along came Spencer." Penelope said.

"And then along came Spencer." Derek confirmed. "That kid is everything I have ever wanted and so many things I never knew I needed."

Penelope peered at Derek over the rim of her glasses, "And have you forgiven him? I know you Derek...not only did Spencer drag you out of the closet in front of your nearest and dearest, he hit you. You don't trust easily and he betrayed that trust and... he hit you so, no matter how badly you messed up you do know it's ok to be angry about that right?"

Derek ran a hand over his head. "Spencer hitting me was a shocker and I admit it's not something I ever saw happening." He gave a bitter laugh, "Kid's got a surprisingly good right cross." Derek shook his head and continued, "I won't pretend it doesn't bother me that it happened but I don't anticipate it ever occurring again. I think that both of us know that we can't be in a relationship where violence is a factor. I would walk away if I thought that was the case."

Derek took a breath and continued, "As for my family, Spencer and I kind of already touched on that. I told him I'd be lying if I said that everything was copasetic. I'm still dealing with all the family drama that's popped off and trust me when I say that shit has hit the fan. When I call Desi and it goes to her voicemail and she doesn't call back or I talk to my mama and hear the sadness in her voice I can't help but be upset."

"Do you think it would have made a difference if they'd found out from you?" Penelope asked.

"In Desi's case, probably not. She's convinced that my sexual orientation is somehow something that was done to me, either I'm suffering some traumatic reaction to my molestation or Spencer is some sexual deviant with magical powers, never mind the fact that he's hardly the first man I've been intimate with. Either way, she can't deal. I don't think me telling her myself would have made all that big of a difference. My mom though, that's a different story." Derek said.

"How so?"

"I told my mom I was bisexual back when I was in college and at the time she didn't take it well. She didn't reject me, but she made it clear that it's not her first choice for me. I'm actually surprised she's been so accepting. I think maybe she's had enough time to have made her peace with it. She's just really hurt that I didn't tell her about me and Spencer." Derek stopped and thought for a moment, "I think the fact that she absolutely adores Spencer has a lot to do with her acceptance and her hurt. I think if it had been anyone other than Spencer she might have had a tougher time with things." Derek mused,"

"I think your mom's just sad that you kept such a big part of your life a secret." Penelope said.

Derek nodded, "When it comes to my mom I keep making the same mistakes. I didn't tell her about Carl to protect her and I didn't tell her about Spencer to protect her. I remember how she reacted before and I didn't want to put me, her or Spencer through that scene."

"You know what they say about the road to hell." Penelope noted.

"It's paved with good intentions." Derek finished. "I know. And I did have the best of intentions. I never meant to hurt Spencer and I always did intend to tell my family about us."

"So how did you end up in bed with some random woman?" Penelope blurted out.

Derek closed his eyes and shook his head, "I'm still not entirely sure. It sounds like the worst cliché ever, but I was really, really drunk. I drank at dinner, then went to the club and had a few, then the blow up with Spencer happened and I went home and made my way to the bottom of a bottle. At some point Natalia showed up and decided to spend the night...she ended up in my bed and when I woke up the next morning I was hung over, groggy and she was there and...Penny the details are fuzzy. I was drunk, angry, sad and all over the place emotionally and she was there. I don't have an excuse for what I did and I won't try to make any, I was wrong and it never should have happened."

"What if Spencer hadn't come over that morning?" Penelope asked warily, "Would you have-"

"No." Derek cut in, "If Spencer had arrived ten minutes later, she wouldn't even have been there. Spencer knows that I stopped things but he's wrong about the reasons why." Derek hung his head, "The truth is I realized too little too late that she wasn't who or what I wanted."

Penelope measured her words carefully, "Honey Bunny, are you sure about that?"

"What do you mean by that?"

Penelope took a deep breath and rushed on, "Derek you fantasized about being with Spencer for years. I absolutely love him to pieces, but he's not exactly low maintenance. Maybe...maybe the fantasy wasn't living up to the reality."

"You're right; being with Spencer wasn't anything like I thought it would be." Derek looked into Penelope's eyes, "It was so much better. For years I had such a negative view of relationships. All they were to me were obligations I didn't want, expectations I'd never meet and limitations I didn't need, with Spencer I found out that none of that was the truth. I wasn't obligated to spend time with Spencer, or listen to him tell me about something he found interesting, I wanted to. I didn't want to meet Spencer's expectations, I wanted to exceed them. And it wasn't limiting being with him; it actually opened up the world to me in ways I didn't know before."

"And what about the fact that he's a he?" Penelope questioned.

Derek laughed. "I was well aware that Spencer has a penis before we started dating."

"And Natalia doesn't." Penelope pointed out.

Derek looked puzzled, so Penelope continued, "You say you were happy with Spencer but you let yourself not only be pushed into a dinner date with Natalia but you took her clubbing afterwards Derek. And from what you told me, you weren't exactly having a bad time. Is it possible that as much as you love Spencer you miss being with women? Spencer is the first man you've been in a relationship with."

Derek ran a hand over his face. "Natalia is a beautiful woman and she wasn't bad company," he conceded, "But even if I'd met her before Spencer and I were together it wouldn't have mattered. In the last few years the only person I've ever seen myself having a relationship with is Spencer. Spencer being a man isn't an issue for me, I'm comfortable with who I am and who I love. The only thing I regret is that the choices I've made haven't always reflected that."

Penelope chewed her lip, "Baby Cakes, what if Spencer feels like all this insight is a day late and a dollar short?"

"I honestly don't know how I'll handle it if we can't work it out." Derek blinked back the moisture in his eyes and continued, "Spencer is my best friend and we agreed when all this started that if it ever came down to a choice between our friendship and our relationship we'd save our friendship. I know I should honor that and I will, but I can't lie, it will be hard if not impossible. Right now I feel like going down with the ship. I don't know how I'd go back to being just friends with Spencer. How can I just be his friend when I'm completely in love with him and feel like I always will be?"

"Maybe you could ask Hotch." Penelope blurted out.

Derek looked like he'd been sucker punched and Penelope covered her mouth with her hands. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it like that Derek-"

"Baby Girl, calm down, it's ok. It's not like I haven't been aware that Hotch has feelings for Spencer. Truthfully, I think at this point the only person still in the dark is Spencer. Even JJ gave me a sympathetic look the other day when she found out that Hotch and Spencer had gone to Silver Springs." Derek remarked.

Penelope chuckled. "For a genius Spencer sure misses the obvious. He didn't seem to recognize your feelings for him either.""

Derek shook his head. "Spencer being oblivious is his first line of defense. He has a really hard time seeing himself as anything other than a 12 year old outcast. He had way too many "My friend thinks you're cute" pranks played on him back in the day to take a person's interest in him at face value. You gotta make the first move with Spencer and you gotta go big."

"Like Lila did when she dragged him into her pool and showed him her mouth to mouth skills?" Penelope cracked.

Derek winced. "I'd rather forget that Spencer made out with the smoking hot Hollywood starlet who still calls him the second Sunday of every month, but yeah like that."

"Then you've got very little to worry about when it comes to Hotch." Penelope said.

"Because he'll never make the first move or because Spencer isn't interested?" Derek questioned.

Penelope paused. She wasn't sure how much honesty Derek could handle in his current state. In light of her conversation with Emily she wasn't so sure that Hotch's feelings for Spencer were as unreturned as she'd once thought. Derek caught her pause and reached across the table to give her hand a squeeze. "It's ok Penny. I've thought about this a lot since that talk at work the other day when you pointed Hotch and Spencer's connection. I don't doubt that Spencer loves me and that I'm the one who has his heart...but there is this thing between him and Hotch and I can't help but wonder what would happen if Spencer knew he had the option."

"Are you gonna tell him he does?" Penelope asked anxiously.

"That's not my story to tell, that's on Hotch. It's been moths since he told me how he felt about Spencer. I couldn't even tell you how long before that he had those feelings. He hasn't acted on them and we're talking about Hotch here. This is man who hasn't ever hesitated to go after what he wanted. I gotta believe there's some reason he's holding back and I gotta respect that." Derek stated.

"So this is about you respecting Hotch's privacy?" Penelope queried.

"No, at least not entirely."Derek replied, "Hotch is my friend and I don't want to do anything to make things hard for him, especially after the year he's had. But this isn't just about Hotch and our friendship; this is about me not wanting Spencer hurt. I know how Hotch feels about him but I don't know what, if anything he wants to do about it. I can't see any good coming from me telling Spencer "Hey our boss and one of our closest friends is into you but I don't know if he actually wants to be with you." Spencer would internalize the hell out of that and any reason Hotch gave him for not pursuing a relationship, no matter how legitimate-"

"Spencer would see as a rejection." Penelope finished. "If Hotch told him he couldn't date him because of work issues, Spencer would think Hotch didn't think he was worth the risk. If he gave Jack as a reason, Spencer would think he wasn't good enough. There really isn't a way not to take it personally when someone tells you I'm attracted to you but I don't want to date you." Penelope said.

"Exactly and I've already done a number on Spencer's self esteem. I don't want to take a chance of adding insult to injury," Derek added. "Plus I really don't know where Hotch's head is at. When we talked before I got the distinct impression that he had decided he and Spencer were going to remain just friends. I don't think it will benefit anyone to do or say anything that puts their friendship at risk or makes things awkward between them. I've already hurt Spencer and disappointed Hotch. I don't want to do any more damage to two of the most important relationships I have. If and when Spencer finds out about Hotch it's going to be from Hotch."

Penelope reached across and squeezed Derek's hand. "I totally get it. You, Spencer and Hotch...it's all one big ball of confusion and you just don't want to add to it. Just...be careful. You were a little too selfish before so don't overcompensate by going too far in the other direction. It is ok to think of yourself in all this. And for what it's worth, I've never seen you or Spencer happier than when you two were together. I hope for both your sakes you guys can get back to where you were."

"Thanks Baby Girl. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have your support." Derek said.

"Flattery will get you everywhere my hunk of chocolate love." Penelope joked.

Derek laughed and kissed Penelope on her forehead. "Don't you go tempting me woman, you know you're impossible to resist."

Penelope fluttered her eyelashes and grinned at him, "I'm like the Borg baby, resistance is futile." she said with a smile as they both dissolved into laughter.


	18. Chapter 17 We Need A Resolution

A/N: I got all hooked on phonics and noticed that I had somehow got the chapter numbering all kinds of wrong so I went back and *hopefully* fixed it, along with some minor errors I found in previous chapters.

Disclaimer: I still don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters. *kicks rocks*

**Chapter 17 We Need a Resolution**

Derek checked his watch for the fourth time and looked anxiously out the window. When he didn't see any sign of Spencer, he turned back to the living room and fluffed the couch cushions again. Even though he wasn't due to arrive for a few more minutes, Spencer tended to be early when he was anxious and Derek wanted everything to be in order when Spencer got there. He then busied himself making coffee since he needed an activity to focus on to help settle his nerves. He debated whether or not to put Clooney out in the backyard but before he reached a decision the dogs barking alerted him to the sound of Spencer's car pulling into the driveway.

Derek took a deep breath and opened the door before Spencer even got a chance to knock. "Hey Pretty Boy, I'm glad you made it." He said softly as he took in the sight of Spencer standing in his doorway. He smiled when he saw that Spencer was wearing his trademark purple scarf. Without thinking he reached out and played with the edges, "I just realized how much I love seeing you in this thing." He murmured.

Spencer caught the scent of Derek's cologne and felt the butterflies in his stomach flutter to life. "I ah, it's cold today and um...I- I'm sorry I know I'm early-" Spencer began.

"It's almost seventy degrees Pretty Boy, only you could be cold." Derek teased, "Its ok that you're early, I'm really happy to see you. Come on in," Derek said, releasing the scarf and stepping back. As Spencer walked through the door Clooney ran around him in excited circles and then jumped up on him, licking his face. "I guess I'm not the only one." Derek laughed.

"I'm from Vegas, this is cold to me," Spencer huffed, "Oh eew, Clooney you're slobbering all over me, down boy." Spencer complained, but he was smiling. "I missed you too," he added softly, petting the dog head. As Derek led Clooney out into the backyard Spencer took a look around and tried to gather his thoughts.

He hung his coat and scarf up and then went and sat on the sofa. Derek's house was one of the few places that Spencer had always felt comfortable in and he wasn't entirely surprised that despite the circumstances that hadn't changed. He looked out and watched Derek settle Clooney into the backyard and smiled at the familiar sight.

Derek came back through the door and smiled at Spencer. "There's coffee if you'd like some and I ordered some Chinese-it should be here in a few minutes. I hope that ok, I just kind of figured-"

"It's fine...that was, that was thoughtful of you. How um, how have you been?" Spencer asked, standing up and walking over to kitchen.

_Missing you like crazy_, Derek thought to himself. "I'm good. How are you Pretty Boy?" he answered instead, following Spencer and handing him a coffee cup.

_Confused mostly_, Spencer thought "I've been pretty good, all things considered. I ah, "Spencer sighed and pushed his hair back, "I have absolutely no idea what to say right now." He confessed as he took the mug.

Derek let out the breath he was holding and smiled at Spencer. "That makes two of us. So why don't we just...talk. Good, bad, indifferent let's just...talk. So um, tell me about Silver Springs."

Spencer quirked his lips and raised an eyebrow. "It went well, "he started slowly, "except for the sexual harassment." He added with a shrug.

Derek's jaw dropped. "Sexual...? What the fuck did Hotch do?" He exclaimed.

Spencer looked at Derek in confusion. "Hotch? Who said anything about Hotch? I- I was talking about Det. Berry, you remember from the Derzmond case? He was a little too friendly." Spencer answered

_I bet he was_ Derek thought to himself as he tried to get a handle on his emotions. "I remember him. He's kind of…if you like that type he's…so did you...I mean, were you-"

"No," Spencer cut in quickly, "He um..." Spencer put his hands up helplessly, "He creeped me out. I mean, I know I should be flattered. He's relatively good looking, he's got a good job, he's in pretty good shape, he's intelligent, there's nothing overtly wrong with him but he's-"

"Creepy. I know. I picked up on it last time we were there. There's something about that cat that's just off and," Derek finished. He took a deep breath and threw up a prayer that Spencer wouldn't get mad, "I sort picked up on his fixation on you the last time we were there and I ran a bit of interference." He confessed.

Spencer cocked his head to the side and gave Derek an amused grin. "I think JJ and Emily helped out quite a bit don't you?" he asked.

Derek's mouth dropped open. "You knew?"

Spencer shook his head. "Not back then. I just kind of figured Berry didn't talk much to me because I was on the bottom of his personal totem pole: Fellow alpha male former jock, two beautiful female agents and then, well...me. It didn't occur to me you guys had formed some sort of protective phalanx until this trip."

"What made it click for you?" Derek asked.

Spencer laughed. "Hotch." he said simply. "When I was telling Cam about Berry she commented that Hotch must have been uncomfortable being regulated to the third wheel and I suddenly realized that Hotch made himself a buffer between the two of us, which made me realize that you guys had all done the same thing last time we were in Silver Springs."

"So are you angry?" Derek asked, hoping the answer would be no. The last thing they needed was for Spencer to be upset with him about Berry; they already had so many things to work through they didn't need one more thing added to the list.

Spencer smiled. "Did you miss the part where I said he creeped me out? I'm not upset, but I am curious."

"What are you curious about Pretty Boy?" Derek asked.

"About why you guys didn't just let me take care of it? Contrary to popular opinion I am capable of taking care of myself. I've been doing it since I was kid." Spencer pointed out.

Derek reached out and cupped Spencer's jaw. "Pretty Boy, it's not about thinking you can't take care of yourself. You were protecting yourself long before you ever should have had to. I just...I just feel like it's about time someone took care of you, and I'm not the only one who feels that way." Derek smiled, "Once you let someone in and they get to know you, get to care about you...Spencer there's not a person in your inner circle that wouldn't move heaven and earth to keep you from being hurt. Think about it babe, your mom, Cam, JJ, hell even Rossi's circled the wagons around you a time or two."

Spencer spoke quietly. "It's still hard for me to get used to...a support system. I mean, I always had my mom but she was...how she was. Actually having people I can call on and count on...I guess sometimes I don't quite believe it."

Derek drew Spencer close to him. "Baby Boy," he breathed, "You are very, very easy to love."

Spencer wet his lips and tried to slow his breathing. He put a hand on top of Derek's with every intention of breaking their contact, but once he touched him he couldn't bring himself to let go. He felt himself leaning into Derek's touch and realized how easy it would be to bring their lips together in a kiss.

Derek felt the lightning race through his veins at Spencer's touch and felt his resolve to talk out their problems weaken. He knew if he tilted his head just a bit he could steal a kiss and if he kissed Spencer any chance of them talking would evaporate.

"Baby Boy...we should go sit. We need to talk and if I stand this close to you for much longer-" Derek trailed off.

"I know. I don't really want let you go but I know that uh, if I don't we're gonna end up um...not talking." Spencer said.

"As I recall we'll talk, just not about any of things we need to." Derek said. He stepped back and took a deep breath. As hard as it was to resist temptation in that moment, Derek was determined not to repeat his mistakes or fall back into old habits with Spencer. The doorbell rang and he chuckled, "Saved the bell." he quipped.

Spencer breathed a sigh of relief and started pulling out plates from the kitchen cabinets. He set the table and got himself a fork. Derek paid for the delivery then made his way over to the table. He dished the food onto the plates while Spencer got the drinks and then they sat down to eat.

"Derek," Spencer said around his mouthful of Kung-Pao chicken, "This is nice but -"

"We should stop stalling." Derek finished.

Spencer nodded. "I've been thinking and I've come to some conclusions. I love you and I thought that was enough. I've never been in a real relationship before and I figured you're my best friend and I loved you for so long and wanted to be with you for so long that I just...I thought it would just work. And when parts of it didn't, I just...ignored it and pretended the problems didn't exist and I was completely and totally happy with who we were and how we were."

Derek looked Spencer in the eye. "Are you saying that you weren't happy?" He asked, fearful that maybe he and Spencer were farther apart than he thought they were.

"No, Derek I was happy. But...there were problems and I acted like there weren't." Spencer clarified.

"I know I made mistakes Spencer. I didn't handle my family business and I let my fears and insecurities dictate our relationship. I was arrogant," Derek confessed, "I knew I was hurting you but I told myself I would make it up to you, that I could make it ok, that you understood-"

"You weren't the only one who made mistakes." Spencer sighed. He gave a half smile and continued, "you also weren't the only one who kept secrets...I ah, I kept my fair share."

Derek was puzzled by that so he waited for Spencer to continue. When he didn't elaborate Derek pressed him, "C'mon now Spencer, you can't just drop breadcrumbs like that. What secrets? What mistakes?"

Spencer squared his shoulders and looked Derek in the eye. "I have every intention of telling you," he began, "But I don't want this to turn into us pointing the finger back and forth and arguing about who did what to whom and who was worse. I hurt you and you hurt me and while I know we need to discuss what happened I want the focus to be on why things happened the way they did and how we're going to proceed."

Derek tilted his head, "You know when you put parameters on a conversation it's a clear indication that you expect things to go badly. Spencer, what exactly is it you think is gonna happen here? Is this us making up or are we breaking up?" Derek asked.

Spencer bit his lip and shook his head. "We already have broken up Derek," he reminded him," You just...don't want to acknowledge that." He ran his hands through his hair and exhaled. "Where we go from here I honestly don't know. I do know that whether we move on as friends or as lovers we need to clear the air."

Derek's jaw clenched and he tried to force himself to relax. "I can agree with most of that, but Spencer I won't act like being just your friend is what I want. I won't push you or pressure you, but I won't lie to you either. I'm in love with you and I don't know to pretend otherwise."

Spencer nodded. "I don't expect you to. In fact, if there was ever a time for us to be completely honest with each other its now." He cleared his throat and continued, "As I was saying, you aren't the only one who made mistakes. I didn't assert myself in our relationship, not when it counted." Spencer gave a small laugh, "I had no problem debating with you about everything from case theories to whether or not Thundercats or Voltron was the best cartoon ever but when it came to how I felt about conflicts in our relationship I shut down and backed off every single time and I shouldn't have. I should have had more trust in you and in us."

Derek shook his head. "I didn't give you much of a reason to." he countered.

"That's not entirely true." Spencer said. "Your keeping us a secret from your family certainly didn't help but I went into this relationship with certain fears and insecurities of my own. The lack of trust was only one reason I didn't speak up, the other reason was that as long as you were didn't change I didn't have to either."

"Kid you're losing me here." Derek said. "From where I'm sitting you were nothing but understanding and I did nothing but take advantage."

"That's because from where you're sitting you can't see the whole picture." Spencer sighed. "There are some things that you need to know and once you do, it might change how you view things."

"I'm willing to listen to anything you have to say Pretty Boy, just tell me what's on your mind." Derek said, trying to fight against the sinking feeling in the pit of stomach that was threatening to take him over.

Spencer bowed his head for a moment then looked at Derek and smiled. "You're the first person I've ever loved. I've had crushes, dates, even semi-serious entanglements but you are my first experience with real romantic love. I thought that since we were friends for so long before and I knew you so well and had wanted you for so long that things would just magically fall into place for us. I didn't expect to have to work at it and I realize now that wasn't realistic. Relationships are about give and take, communication and respect, and above all else you have to have trust in your partner and I...I failed you in some of those regards Derek. You would make decisions I didn't agree with or do things that hurt me and I wouldn't speak up and then I would resent you for not stopping or changing. I didn't really recognize it before, but I was pretty passive aggressive."

Derek's brows knit together as he thought over what Spencer had said. "I knew Spencer. I knew it bothered you that I wasn't honest with my family about your place in my life. I put off telling them about us but I always intended to I just-"

"You were afraid." Spencer interrupted. "As much as it hurt me that you kept me a secret, I always understood why. I understood your motivations Derek, even sympathized to a certain extent, but it still hurt."

"I know baby, and I'm so sorry-" Derek began.

"Don't." Spencer held up his hand. "You've already apologized, continuing to do so won't help or change anything. Right now Derek I just need you to listen."

Derek nodded his agreement and Spencer took a deep breath and began to talk.


	19. Chapter 18 This Place Is 'Bout To Blow

**Warning: This chapter contains violence and bad language. Contains Spoilers from The Fisher King, Aftermath, The Boogeyman, No Way Out II, Doubt, and Revelations.**

**Chapter 18 This Place About To Blow**

Intellectually Derek understood that Spencer had the right to keep certain parts of who he was to himself, that it was ok that he didn't know absolutely everything there was to know about Spencer Reid and that Spencer was, to a certain degree, easy to manipulate into keeping quiet. Emotionally however, Derek was too busy feeling betrayed to understand a damn thing.

Spencer's confessions started off easily enough. He apologized for not integrated Derek into the personal aspects of his life better. He opened up about his relationship with the Zacharras and invited him to the next Sunday dinner. He then told him about the park around the corner from his apartment complex and his semi-regular chess matches there. He invited Derek to come along sometime. Spencer told Derek his father had been trying to forge a bond between them since the Riley Jenkins case but that Spencer wasn't ready for a father/son relationship and didn't think he would be. Derek was understanding and supportive. He was feeling good, convinced that things were heading in a positive direction when Spencer gave him the shock of his life.

"Let me get this straight," he said slowly. "For the past few years the team have been, _I _have been walking on eggshells, avoiding all references to Gideon so you don't do your "I'm emotionally compromised so I'm just gonna be a defensive whiny bitch, then shut down completely" routine and you're telling me that it was all for nothing because you've been kicking it with him on a semi-regular basis?"

"Derek-"

"And Elle," Derek continued as if Spencer hadn't spoken, "She mind fucked us _almost _as badly as Gideon did. It took months for everyone to heal from what she did and how she left. At least Gideon left a fucking letter!" Derek narrowed his eyes, "Addressed to _you." _he added pointedly, "As if you were the only one that mattered. And now you tell me you and Elle are cool as the other side of the pillow when she hasn't said shit to the rest of the team?" _When she hasn't said shit to me, he thought bitterly._

Spencer had known Derek would be upset, but he truly hadn't anticipated just how betrayed and furious his former lover would be. He licked his lips nervously. "Derek, you have to understand Elle was in a really bad place after her shooting and everyone basically just left her alone. I didn't help nearly enough but I was the only one she felt cared about her as a person, as a friend not as an agent or as a co-worker. When she finally got her feet back under her ...she knew even if I was angry I wouldn't punish her for…what happened with William Lee."

"You mean she knew that me, Hotch and JJ wouldn't turn a blind eye to her killing a man in cold blood." Derek said bitterly.

Spencer took a deep breath. "No," he denied hotly, "she knew that while Hotch cleaned the blood off her walls, I was the one who slept on her couch for the month it took her to find a new place. She knew that even though everyone was "concerned" I was the one who knocked on her door that night in Ohio, even if it didn't do much good. She knew that after Tobias Hankel I understood what it was like to have an UnSub invade your life and change who you are in a way that you, Hotch and JJ never would." He was quiet for a moment then added softly, "Although I think at this point Hotch might be a little more understanding than he would have been a few years ago."

Derek knew part of what Spencer was saying was true. He knew that the team had made the same mistake with Spencer after Tobias Hankel that they'd made with Elle after she was shot by Garner, and then repeated it again with Gideon after Frank: Too much space, too little contact, too many casual offers to "talk" but never any insistence that they actually do so, too much concern about protecting their jobs and not enough about protecting them. Elle, Spencer and Gideon had been left to deal essentially on their own. Spencer had sought solace in a drug induced haze, Elle had broken and Gideon had run away. But the team had learned from their mistakes and by the time the Reaper came along, they'd learned not to take no for answer, to push into that personal space and make sure keeping an agent on the job was less of a priority than saving a friend. They'd made sure Hotch didn't fall through the cracks the way that Elle, Gideon and Spencer did.

The truth was not enough to douse the flame of Derek's anger however. If he were honest he would admit it wasn't just the shock of Spencer keeping secrets that was bothering him, it was the idea that Elle and Gideon both apparently had no problem leaving _him_ behind but had been unable to cut ties with Spencer. Derek not only felt betrayed, he was under attack from the green-eyed monster as well.

"What about Gideon?" Derek demanded. "What's his explanation for disappearing into the ether and leaving his memory to haunt us all like he's Gideon the not so fucking friendly ghost?" Derek growled.

Spencer winced at the venom in Derek's tone. They had never really talked in depth about Gideon or Elle, not after the initial shock of their departures. In those first few months before Gideon had reestablished contact with him Spencer had been despondent and Derek his frequent sounding board. The entire team had been a fog that hadn't lifted until Rossi had been with them for several months and one by one they all were forced to acknowledge that Gideon was not returning in any capacity-not as an agent, not as a guest lecturer, not as a consultant…he was gone. It had been a blow and even though no one ever said it, Spencer knew it hurt them that Gideon had not only addressed his goodbye letter to specifically to Spencer but that Spencer was the ONLY one he acknowledged or felt he needed to explain himself to. For their part his teammates pretended they didn't resent it and Spencer in turn pretended he didn't feel their hostility.

Derek however, was done pretending and the resentment was rolling off him in waves. "Gideon…it's complicated." Spencer began.

"Simplify it for me _genius_." Derek shot back.

Spencer took a deep breath, choosing to ignore the taunt. "He...Elle wasn't the only person whose life Randall Garner changed. That case…getting that head sent to his cabin, his sanctuary was the beginning of his walls coming down." Spencer stopped to look at Derek, "Then I went and died on him," Spencer said referring to when he'd had to be given CPR during his ordeal with Hankel, "I died on him, after a decision _he _made. Once again, one of us was hurt because of a decision he made. Elle got shot and almost didn't make it, I ended up on the floor of a god forsaken shack not breathing and he felt responsible. His wall was being chipped away at: By Bale, by Garner, by me, by Elle and then Frank…when Sarah was murdered he just…and then that last case his wall just came tumbling down. He _couldn't_ do it anymore. He-"

"Kid," Derek said stopping Spencer's explanation/defense of Gideon, "I know why he did it, that has nothing to do with _how _he did it or the fact that he could leave us all behind without a word but you…you he writes and you he _sees._ The rest of us, he could give a fuck."

Spencer shook his head. "Derek, I-I know what it feels like to be left behind. I won't tell you not to be angry or that you have to understand or to forgive because…I'm angry and I still don't understand, not fully. Not about Elle, not about Gideon, not about my dad…I don't understand. In my dad's case, I don't think I'll ever understand or forgive and I know I'll never forget, but with Elle and Gideon…it came down to the fact that I'd rather have them in my life than out of it. It doesn't mean I excuse what they did, only that I've found some measure of a way to live with it."

"You were given a choice." Derek reminded him. "The rest of us apparently didn't rate high enough to get that much."

Spencer didn't know what to say. He was on edge because he knew sooner or later Derek would stop fixating on Elle and Gideon and start fixating on him. Right now Derek was so blindsided by what Spencer had been keeping secret that he couldn't focus on the why, but Spencer knew that wouldn't last for much longer.

"Why you?" Derek broke the silence, shock and anger making him lose the ability to edit himself. "Why you? What the fuck makes you so impossible for them to walk away from but they can leave the rest of us in the dust?"

Spencer refused to let his feelings be hurt and counted to ten before he answered. "I don't know." He said quietly, "But if you're waiting on me to apologize that two people that mean a great deal to me find me worth keeping in their lives you're going to be waiting a long time."

Derek opened his mouth then snapped it closed when he realized that he had, in fact, expected Spencer to apologize for being the one that both Gideon and Elle kept in touch with. He knew he was being irrational, but hearing Spencer say he wasn't sorry filled him with a sudden, intense rage.

"Is that right? Tell me Spencer, if they think so much of you, then why the cloak and dagger routine? You were all pissed at me for not telling my family about you but you have no problem with Elle and Gideon asking you not to tell the rest of us you've been in contact. A bit hypocritical don't you think?" Derek sneered.

Spencer froze. He hadn't considered that Derek would think that he hadn't kept quiet out of his own choice. "They didn't ask me to keep it a secret." He said simply.

Derek's hands curled into fists. The anger he was feeling melded with the anger he'd been trying to repress about Spencer outing him to his family and his frustration of the last few days and everything threatened to boil over. "What did you just say?" He asked with a deceptive amount of calmness in his voice.

Spencer wasn't fooled. He knew Derek was seething, but he had decided that if he was going to tell it, he was going to tell it all. "I said, they didn't ask me to keep it a secret. I chose not to say anything."

"You chose to lie to us, to lie to me?" Derek asked.

"I didn't lie." Spencer quickly refuted. "It took almost a year for Gideon to contact me and then it took me a few months after that to work through what I wanted our relationship to be, if I wanted one with him at all. By that time everyone was…better with it. You guys were resentful enough that he'd only left me that letter; I didn't think any of you would be well served by knowing he reached out to me and me alone yet again."

Spencer's matter of fact way of pointing out the resentment Derek thought he and the others did such a good job of hiding only threw gas on an already blazing fire. "You are such a god damn user. We bend over backwards trying to soothe your fragile little ego, make sure poor little Spencer knows that it isn't his fault he was left behind, make sure you know that you're part of a family, that you are loved and you're playing us the entire time?" Derek got up from the table and stalked into the living room.

"Derek!" Spencer hurried after him, nearly tripping over one of Clooney's dog toys in his haste, "It wasn't like that! And I _was_ left behind! The fact that we have a relationship _now _doesn't change what happened. Gideon left me with nothing but a letter-"

"That letter was a hell of a lot more than any of the rest of us got!" Derek thundered.

"That wasn't my choice or my fault!" Spencer countered. "Gideon wrote a letter and he just disappeared. Elle, she didn't even say goodbye-she wouldn't even return my calls! My dad left me when I was ten, with a woman who couldn't even remember what day it was and made me hide in with her in the hall closet with her for hours on end because _they_ were coming to take me away. The fact that they all, in some way, came back into my life doesn't change the fact that they left in the first place!" Spencer yelled.

"Bullshit." Derek exploded, "You played the poor, pitiful me card and we all fell for it. Poor pathetic Spencer with the whacked out mother and the deadbeat dad, picked on and beat down by classmates, misunderstood by peers and abandoned by his mentor. Poor Spencer needs reassurance, poor Spencer needs support, poor Spencer needs love, poor Spencer needs to be protected and coddled-"

"I never asked for any of that!" Spencer broke in. "I tried to be as little trouble as possible, I know I didn't always succeed but I'm not some attention seeking pathological liar that gets off on fooling his friends. I'm just…protecting my privacy is a deeply ingrained protective response in me plus I'm not used to having people to share things with and I knew you guys were mad already and I didn't want you to be any madder or hurt any more than you already were and-"

"Shut the hell up." Derek barked. "You really think I'm gonna fall for this shit again? "_I tried to be as little trouble as possible," Derek_ mocked. "Come on Reid, that low self-esteem having, I'm so innocent bit isn't gonna work anymore." Derek narrowed his eyes. "You know Spencer, now that I know what you're capable of, I can't help but wonder what else you lied about."

"I didn't lie, I –"

"What about Cam?" Derek ground out, "How _friendly_ are you two? How big of an act has the whole "innocent Dr. Reid" bit been?" Derek's anger gave him the opportunity to voice a long held suspicion about Spencer and Cameron.

The shock of the question and the implication rendered Spencer speechless. Derek hadn't come right out and asked him about his relationship with Cam since that first day. Derek had simply accepted Spencer's position that neither of their sexual histories mattered as long as they were both clean and monogamous. Besides which, his…encounters with Cameron had been long before Derek was in the picture.

"I…She and I…what?" Spencer faltered.

If he hadn't already been so angry Derek might have been moved by the stricken look on Spencer's face or been able to recognize that he was misdirecting the anger he felt for Elle and Gideon onto Spencer. But Derek was fuming and Spencer made for an easy target.

"What's wrong Spencer? Didn't think I was smart enough to figure it out _genius_? I remember you told me you'd had other _experiences_...tell the truth, it was Cam wasn't it? She suck you off Spencer? I bet she did. I bet you two-"

"That's enough Derek!" Spencer yelled, his composure gone. "You're pissed, I get it. I deserve some of your anger, but you're way over the line here. I gave you a lot to process today; I understand that you're emotional. I'm just going to leave and give you time to think and come to terms with everything you heard to today and decide what you want to do about it." Spencer started walking towards the door when he suddenly found himself flung against the wall so hard his head bounced off of it.

"You think you get to just walk out?" Derek seethed. Derek crowded Spencer, trapping him between himself and the wall. "You come over here, you start a conversation with me that you _knew_ was gonna get heated and when it gets too hot you wanna cut and run? Get that from your daddy Spencer, or did Gideon teach you that little trick? Oh I know Elle's been schooling you. Guess what Spencer, this time, I'm not being walked out on before I have my say, you hear me?"

Spencer couldn't hear Derek over the ringing in his ears. He tried to focus on the words coming out of Derek's mouth but it was all garbled and warped. Spencer felt a mounting pressure in his head and blackness started creeping in around the edges of his vision. He was actually grateful for the small amount of space that there was between his and Derek's bodies, as he was sure that was the only thing that kept him from hitting the floor when he lost consciousness.


	20. Everybody Loves Me

A/N: The last chapter may have been a WTFBBQ moment for some, but trust me it was needed. And believe it or not that was heavily edited, not so bad version…had it gone down like in version one, two or three the diehard Morgan/Reid shippers would have hunted me down and strung me up. They still might…I beg for forgiveness. But the reviews got me so excited I decided to post another chapter super quick.

Let me say this: several of you are about to get what you've been asking for. (sorta) BUT as the saying goes, be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it. insert evil laugh here

Also, my knowledge of the VA/DC area is nil…so I'm literally relying on Google for my intel, if I'm way off or something seems wrong that's why. Also, is not a doctor and doesn't even play one on tv so if the medical stuff is off, just go with it…and yes…I know the nurse would be in major trouble but its fictional so…poetic license eh?

**Chapter 19 Everybody Loves Me**

"I can't believe I fell for your little act. I should have known no one is as good and innocent as you pretend to be. Were you laughing at us, at me the whole time huh?" Derek resisted the urge to grab Spencer by the arms and give him a shake. He didn't actually want to hurt Spencer, he just wasn't about to let him leave until Derek was good and ready for him to. "Answer me!" He demanded, inches from Spencer's face.

Every bit of Derek's anger turned into fear when he saw the glassy, unfocused look in Spencer's eyes. "Spencer?" He asked in a much gentler tone, trying to get his attention. "Hey, hey Pretty Boy look at me, talk to me, what's happening here?" Derek asked panic and desperation creeping into his tone.

Spencer appeared to be looking right through Derek, then all the sudden his eyes rolled to the back of his head and his body went slack. Derek was so stunned that if it hadn't been for the close proximity of their bodies, Spencer would have landed in a heap on the floor.

"Spencer!" Derek gently lowered him onto the floor, noting a large bump on the back of his head and feeling physically ill at the thought that his shoving Spencer into the wall had caused it. He loosened his tie and undid the buttons on his shirt, talking to him the entire time. "Spencer, baby, come on, please, please, please wake up. Come back to me baby, come on now. Don't do this; don't do this, baby please." Derek pleaded. He didn't understand what had happened; he hadn't been trying to hurt Spencer: He had only been trying to keep him from leaving. Derek grabbed his phone and was about to call 911 when Spencer started to stir.

Coming back into consciousness was not a pleasant experience for Spencer. His head was pounding, his neck was sore and he was lying on a rather cold hardwood floor and he had absolutely no idea where he was or what had happened. He started to struggle and instantly felt hands holding him down, which only made him fight harder. There were words being said, he could hear them but he couldn't understand them. There was a face in front of his, someone was leaning over him holding him down, talking to him. He struggled to focus and to understand and gradually the fog began to clear.

"Spencer! Stop baby, its ok. It's me, it's Derek! Spencer, calm down its ok!" Derek leaned over Spencer, trying to quiet his struggles

"D-Derek?" Spencer murmured. "Whe…where am I? Wha happened?" Spencer asked.

"You're at my place. You…you hit your head and you passed out. I want you to lie here for a couple of minutes while I call your doctor alright?"

"'K" Spencer was trying to figure out exactly what happened but his memories were foggy. He couldn't remember anything past sitting down to eat with Derek.

"Spencer…hey Pretty Boy, Dr. Levi is gonna meet us at George Washington ok? I'm gonna get you up now and get you to the car ok? You're gonna be fine baby, you're gonna be just fine."

Derek sat in the hospital waiting room, vacillating between abject terror, intense guilt and mind numbing fear. Spencer had been having tests done for an ungodly amount of time and the ER staff was unable to tell Derek anything beyond "Dr. Reid is receiving the best possible care." While it was meant to be helpful, the fact was it wasn't. Nothing was going to help until Spencer was back and Derek saw for himself that he was ok.

He still couldn't quite understand how they'd ended up here, with Derek once again holding a vigil for him in a hospital waiting room and Spencer suffering from an injury. The difference was this time he wasn't there because of some delusional UnSub, or act of adorable clumsiness. He was there because of Derek.

He honest to God hadn't been trying to hurt Spencer. He'd just been so angry and hurt and jealous he couldn't see straight. Looking back on it now Derek felt like he'd completely over reacted. Most of Derek's anger wasn't even at Spencer; talking about Elle and Gideon had ripped the scab off a wound that had never quite healed. Derek was _furious _with the two of them. He was furious with Elle for betraying her oath, her team, and her badge, for robbing Lee's victims of a chance to get justice and for leaving without saying goodbye. He was furious with Gideon for the selfish way he left, giving Spencer the responsibility of breaking the news to everyone and leaving without explanation or consideration for the rest of the team. He was angry at them for leaving _him._

But that wasn't Spencer's fault that was on Elle and Gideon. He was still upset that Spencer hadn't been completely honest with him, but now that he had some distance and nothing but time to think he realized that Spencer's secrecy wasn't about him trying to get over on anyone. Spencer hadn't been taking advantage of anyone or playing a role, Derek knew that, hell he'd known that when he'd made the accusation.

The more he thought about it Derek realized that Spencer had picked up on the hostility, however unfair it may be, the team felt about Gideon singling him out for his farewell and he had been afraid that if they found out that not only was he back in contact with Gideon, but it had been Gideon who initiated the reconnection…that hostility would reappear. Add Spencer's almost pathological need for privacy, his insecurity and his self worth issues and his actions were starting to make a lot of sense to Derek.

Derek groaned and put his head in his hands. Why couldn't he have reached these conclusions when he and Spencer were sitting at his dining room table? Spencer had come over so they could sort out their relationship, if Derek had been able to rein his temper in they could be in bed together, having amazing make up sex. Instead Spencer was getting a CT scan and Derek was in the waiting room drowning in guilt.

"Excuse me, my name is Aaron Hotchner. I was advised one of my agents, a Dr. Spencer Reid, had been brought in." _What the hell?_ Derek's head snapped up and he was met with the sight of Hotch at the information desk asking about Spencer. _What the hell is Hotch doing here?_ "Son of a –" Derek bit back the curse. Hotch was the last thing he needed to deal with, especially if the other man found out exactly _how_ Spencer had been injured.

"Derek!" Hotch had spotted him and was walking toward him purposefully, worry and a hint of something else that Derek couldn't quite place etched into his features.

* * *

Hotch had been putting away his dry cleaning when his landline began ringing. He checked the Caller I.D. and his blood ran cold. _George Washington University Hospital. Jack was gone. _Jack's cousin was having a birthday party/sleep over. Perhaps there had been some sort of accident. He snatched up the phone. "Hotchner." He answered, fear giving a sharp edge to his voice.

"I-Is this Aaron Hotchner?" A slightly startled female voice on the other end inquired.

"Yes, this Aaron Hotchner. How can…What is it?" Hotch snapped, wanting the woman to get to the point of why she was calling.

"Oh Mr...Mr. Hotchner there has been an accident," Hotch felt his knees threaten to go out. _Jack. _ "A Supervisory Special Agent Dr. Spencer Reid has been brought in suffering head trauma. You are his superior and-"

Relief quickly turned back into fear. _Reid was in the hospital? He had head trauma? "_Yes, I'm Dr. Reid's emergency medical contact. I'll be there shortly." Hotch ended the call.

The entire drive to the hospital had been surreal for Hotch. He relied on every bit of his FBI training to stem the alarm he was feeling and keep from crashing. He cursed his earlier impatience, wishing he had gotten more information regarding Spencer's condition. By the time he'd reached the hospital, parked his SUV and strode up to the nurses' station he was a half step away from full blown panic.

He was about to ask one of the nurses on duty for information on Spencer when he caught sight of Morgan, head in his hands, sitting in a chair. "Derek!" He barked out, getting the man's attention and making his way over to him.

"Do you know what happened to Spencer?" Hotch asked without preamble. He didn't have it in him to make meaningless polite conversation; he wanted to know what was going on.

"He's having a CT scan done right now. He's been back there for awhile; they haven't told me anything other than he's getting the best possible care." Derek answered, noting Hotch's use of Spencer's first name.

Hotch noticed the way Morgan dodged the question, but decided to let it slide for now. "Have you seen him? Was he conscious? How bad is it?" He asked, struggling to keep his voice neutral.

Derek grit his teeth. Of all the people he _didn't_ want to see Hotch had to be at the top of the list. "He was conscious when I brought him in. I don't know how bad he is, like I said he's getting tests done." Derek answered.

Hotch's eyes narrowed immediately. "You brought him in? Were you with him when he was injured? Do you know what happened?" Hotch asked again.

"How did you even know he was here? I haven't called anyone and Spencer hasn't been in any shape to." Derek again sidestepped the question.

"I'm Spencer's emergency medical contact, have been since Gideon left. I got a call from the hospital telling me he'd been brought in. Now answer the question Morgan, what happened to Spencer?" Hotch demanded.

Derek thought about flat out refusing to answer but he knew that wouldn't go over well. The truth probably wouldn't go over any better, but he knew Hotch wouldn't stop asking until he got an answer. "Yes I was with him when he was injured, and even though it's really none of your business, I'll tell you what happened."

"None of my business? Spencer is a friend and he's my agent, if he's injured its most definitely my business." Hotch snapped.

"C'mon Hoch, you forget who you're talking to? I _know_ how you feel about him. Can the "my agent" bullshit. It's not Rossi or JJ that's back there, its Spencer. You're not here because you're his boss." Derek flung back.

Hotch clenched his jaw. Even though there was truth in what Derek was saying, he wasn't about to have _that_ conversation with Morgan in a crowded hospital waiting room. "Just tell me what happened to him." Hotch retorted.

Derek squared his shoulders. "Short version? He came over, we talked, things got heated, I lost my temper and he ended up with a concussion." Derek looked Hotch in the eye as he delivered the Cliffs Notes version of events.

Hotch was quiet for several moments. "You did this? You put him in the hospital?" He questioned quietly, too quietly for Morgan's liking.

"I didn't hit him Hotch, I would never do that. I got angry, we fought, he was trying to leave, I grabbed him and shoved him against the wall-I wasn't trying to hurt him, I just wasn't ready for him to leave- and I guess I shoved him too hard and he hit his head." Derek stated, never taking his eyes off his Unit Chief.

"You put him in the hospital?" Hotch repeated, his eyes flashing, his muscles tense.

"It was an accident, Hotch." Morgan ground out. "I'd never purposely do this to him."

"But you did do this to him. You did this to him." Hotch stated, taking a step into Morgan's personal space.

Derek refused to be cowed, and did not retreat. "Yeah Hotch, I did this to him."

The blow to his jaw wasn't entirely unexpected but it still sent Derek rocking back on his heels, stumbling into the chairs behind him. Hotch was breathing heavily and looking at Derek with pure malice. Derek righted himself and lunged at Hotch, landing a vicious blow of his own that rocked Hotch back, into a passing nurse. He ignored the startled cry of the woman and charged at Derek, slamming him into the wall and landing several blows to his body. "Maybe you should stick to tackling UnSubs." Hotch snarled as he rained down several punishing blows. Derek retaliated by kneeing Hotch in the midsection and then head butting him. "And maybe you should mind your own fucking business." Derek spat back. Hotch flipped Derek onto his back on the floor, straddling him and delivering a series of hits, Derek responded by landing several rabbit punches to the side of Hotch's head and his ribs. The two men went back and forth, trading blows and insults, until they were finally separated by hospital security.

"Get them out of here!" The nurse who Hotch had nearly knocked over yelled at the security guards. The struggling, arguing men were escorted to the exit.

"Look, I have an injured Agent in there-"Hotch attempted to explain to the guard.

"My boyfriend is back there-"Derek protested as he was pushed out the exit.

"Look you two," The head security guard began. "I don't care if you were here waiting on the Pope. You just turned the ER into the WWE. If you two weren't FBI you'd be walking out of here in matching bracelets. Do yourselves a favor, just go before I change my mind and call the uni's in. Professional courtesy is only gonna get you so much leeway."

"We can't just leave Spencer up here with no one!" Derek protested.

"He has a head injury!" Hotch stated.

"He probably got it trying to break up the battle royale," The guard remarked dryly. "If he's got a head injury they won't let him leave on his own. If you're that worried, call someone else to come wait with him but if I see either of you again, I'm calling it in." The guard turned and left and the other three security guards followed his lead.

Derek and Hotch stood on the sidewalk, staring each other down. "I didn't hurt him on purpose Hotch." Derek says finally. "You have to know that man. I would never intentionally put Spencer in the hospital."

Hotch exhaled. "Point is Derek, you did hurt him and you did put him in the hospital. I'm not going to get into this with you on a public sidewalk after a public brawl, but I've changed my mind about Spencer. I think I can make him happy; I know at the very least I won't be cheating on him and putting him in ICU."

Derek's eyes narrowed. "He's not in ICU and…fuck you Hotch. You want to make a play for Spencer, you go ahead. But if you think I'm gonna roll over and play dead you have another thing coming. I love him and I'm not giving him up without a fight."

Hotch bit back his retort that they'd just proven they both found Spencer worth fighting for. "I guess we know where we stand. I'll call JJ and see if she can come stay with Spencer. See you on Monday."

Derek ground his teeth, annoyed that Hotch had thought to call JJ and he hadn't. "See you Monday." He said tersely before turning and walking away.

Hotch watched Derek for a few moments, and then flipped open his cell phone and hit the speed dial. "JJ? I'm sorry to disturb you but Spencer's had an accident. Can you come to George Washington? I don't think it's serious but he's had a head injury and- no JJ, listen its not- JJ! He's fine I think. I wasn't able to see him- I don't know Morgan and I got kicked out of the hospital." Hotch closed his eyes, "It was probably the brawl in the middle of the waiting room. Yes I said brawl. Yes with Morgan. JJ, this isn't the time to- JJ! Can you come? Good, thank you." Hotch hung up and made his way to his SUV, wondering what exactly he was going to say to Spencer when he talked to him.

Neither Hotch nor Morgan had noticed the man in the far corner of the waiting room, watching the events that unfolded with glee.

* * *

Steve Berry had woken up that morning unable to resist the urge to see Spencer. He had grabbed his camera, gotten a rental car and driven to Spencer's apartment complex. He'd taken several photos of Spencer as he ate breakfast with his neighbor and then followed him to Derek Morgan's house. He waited for Spencer to leave, growing more and more agitated the longer he stayed inside. Steve was tortured with thoughts that Spencer was letting Morgan touch him, that he was giving away what should be Steve's. Finally he couldn't take it anymore and got out of his car, sneaking up to the house to see if he could get an idea of what was going on.

When he got up on Morgan's front step he heard the raised voices and smiled. They were fighting and as long as they were fighting, that meant Morgan wasn't putting his filthy hands on Spencer. Steve slinked back to his car, convinced Spencer would be leaving soon. When Spencer didn't emerge for several minutes Steve began to fear they'd made up. He gripped the steering wheel in anger, trying to squelch the betrayal he felt at the thought. Then suddenly Morgan was rushing out of the house, opening the passenger door to his SUV and then rushing back inside. A couple of minutes later he emerged, carrying Spencer. Steve's heart beat erratically as he followed them, terrified of that Spencer had somehow fallen gravely ill. When they reached the hospital Steve circled the building twice, and then went inside. He made a beeline to the emergency department, determined to get some information on Spencer.

"Excuse me miss." He said to a passing nurse, flashing her a dazzling smile. "I was hoping you could help me." He pulled out his badge and gave her his best hound dog expression, "A really good friend of mine was brought in a few minutes ago but I don't know where he was taken to or what his condition is. I would greatly appreciate it if you could help me."

The woman took in the handsome man before her and instantly melted. "Of course I'll help officer. What's your friend's name?"

"His name is Spencer. Spencer Reid. He's an FBI agent." Steve supplied.

"Oh…well…this particular patient has his information privatized. I'm not even supposed to confirm whether or not he's in the ER if anyone calls." The nurse said apologetically.

Steve didn't let his frustration show. "But I already know he's here. And I'm not sure if it's a serious injury or if he was injured in the field…" Steve let his voice fill with panic and concern. "Please…can't you tell me anything?"

The nurse was conflicted, but decided that the man _was_ a cop and he did already know the patient was there. "Your friend was admitted with a head injury. He has a concussion. He was brought in by a friend of his-"

"That would be Derek." Steve said tightly. He was a cop; it didn't take long for him to form a conclusion about how Spencer came to be injured. He'd been with Derek. They'd been fighting. Now Spencer had a concussion. Steve burned with the desire to make Derek pay.

Steve knew he couldn't confront Derek himself, it would bring about far too many questions, but he couldn't just let Derek get away with what he'd done. Steve made his way to the waiting room and observed Derek from afar. He _seemed_ remorseful…perhaps remorseful enough for Spencer to forgive him. Steve simply couldn't let that happen. Then all at once the answer came to him.

Aaron Hotchner. Spencer's pit bull of a boss would be none too pleased to find out that he'd been brutalized. Hotchner could be useful. Not just to get a measure of retribution against Morgan, but to get him out of the way as well. He just had to get him here. If it wasn't a weekend he could call the BAU. He didn't know Hotchner's home or cell numbers. He was about to curse when he realized the information might be in Spencer's file. Berry himself had his chief listed as one of his emergency numbers; perhaps Spencer had done the same.

Steve made his way back to the nurse he'd charmed earlier. "Excuse me miss but could you do me one last favor? Spencer is especially close to his boss…could you call Aaron Hotchner and let him know Spencer is here? I know Spencer would appreciate it. He should be listed in Spencer's emergency contacts."

The nurse hadn't even hesitated. She'd looked up Spencer's information, called Hotch and ten minutes later Steve got the pleasure of watching Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum beat the snot out of each other and get kicked out of the hospital, leaving _him _an unobstructed path to Spencer.

Steve hummed happily and took a seat. He planned to wait on Spencer to either be released or moved to a room and then "happen" upon him while visiting a friend in the hospital. Since Spencer would be vulnerable and alone, it was a perfect time to strike. He had just settled into his seat when he caught sight of a familiar blonde at the nurses' station, accompanied by a dark haired man and little boy.

"Yes ma'am. We're the family of Spencer Reid. I understand he was brought in suffering from a concussion. Is there any information on his condition?" JJ asked the nurse Steve had spent all afternoon charming.

Damn, JJ was here. Steve should have known they'd send one of their team members by to sit with Spencer. Steve didn't want JJ to recognize him so he quickly got up and made his way to the exit.

"I'll see you soon Spencer." He said softly before exiting the hospital.


	21. Under My Umbrella

A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who has taken an interest in this story. Your reviews/suggestions/feedback are keeping me motivated to keep writing and are super appreciated. This chapter is shorter than usual but I hope you enjoy it all the same.

Disclaimer: Seriously? If I owned Criminal Minds I wouldn't be subjecting anyone to the horror that is Seaver. *Sorry Seaver fans*

**Chapter 20: Under My Umbrella**

As he listened to the various beeps and whirs of the assorted medical equipment he was hooked up to Spencer couldn't help but be assaulted by an all too familiar feeling of déjà vu. "I might as well just pack my bags and move in." He muttered dejectedly.

"As often as you end up here I could have sworn you already have." A gently teasing Louisiana drawl joked from the doorway.

"Hospital food might be an improvement over your usual diet of coffee and sugar." JJ added, stepping into the room, balancing Henry on her hip.

"Hospital food would be an improvement? That does it son, I'm personally introducing you to the four food groups." Will said sitting down at Spencer's bedside.

"Someone would have to introduce _you _to them first," JJ retorted. "Beer and chips are not official food groups. Remind me to help you get acquainted with fruits and vegetables when we get home."

Will's smile faltered for a moment then he pointed at Spencer, "Hey, hey now. This is about him, not me."

"Coward." Spencer laughed. "What are you two doing here?" Spencer asked. "Not that I'm complaining," he added quickly.

"Hotch called me and told me you managed to somehow end up with a concussion on our day off." JJ replied, dropping into a chair.

"Hotch? How did-"

"Uncle Spens! Get up, lesgo play." Henry interrupted, squirming to get out of JJ's lap.

"Sorry buddy. Uncle Spence has to stay in bed for a little while longer." JJ tried soothing the little boy.

Henry however, wanted to play with his godfather and he wanted to play sooner rather than later. "No nap time Uncle Spens, pwese play." Henry whined.

Will and JJ exchanged a look and Will quietly got up and plucked the little boy out of JJ's lap. "How about we let Uncle Spence get all better and daddy takes you outside to play?" He asked the toddler.

Henry weighed his options. "Uncle Spens play later?" He asked hopefully.

"I promise when my uh, nap time is all over we'll play." Spencer told the little boy.

That was good enough for Henry, and Will quickly exited the room with the child. "I ah, I guess this isn't exactly how you planned to spend your weekend." Spencer said dryly once he and JJ were alone.

"Don't you dare apologize, Spence. You're hurt; there is absolutely nowhere else I'd rather be right now." JJ broke in quietly. "Can you tell me what happened?"

Spencer shifted uncomfortably in the bed. "Truthfully…I don't exactly remember." At JJ's horrified gasp Spencer rushed on, "It's not that unusual. After a concussion there are several cognitive and emotional symptoms that may appear. Confusion, disorientation and difficulty focusing attention are common symptoms. Loss of consciousness may occur but is not necessarily correlated with the severity of the concussion if it is brief. Post-traumatic amnesia, in which the person cannot remember events leading up to the injury or after it, or both, is a hallmark of concussion. Confusion, another concussion hallmark, may be present immediately or may develop over several minutes. Patients are also prone to displays of emotion, irritability, and-"

"Spence." JJ cut in quickly. "I don't want to know about concussions in general, I want to about yours."

Spencer quirked a small smile. "I guess I'm suffering a bit of post traumatic amnesia. The last thing I remember is sitting down with Derek. We ah…we were clearing the air." Spencer explained.

"What did Derek say happened?" JJ asked

Spencer's eyes clouded over. "He…I haven't seen him. I guess…I guess he brought me here and left." He said sadly.

JJ quickly reached out and grabbed Spencer's hand. "No hon, he didn't leave. Well, not by choice." She amended, "Hotch told me he and Derek were both here but they um…they got into a bit of a scuffle and were asked to leave."

"Hotch and Derek had a fight?" Spencer shot up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed scrambling to get out. "Why? Are they ok? What were they fighting about?" Spencer stood and instantly regretted his decision as his knees went weak and a wave of nausea broke over him.

"Spencer!" JJ was by his side in an instant. "Get back in bed! You're going to hurt yourself." She helped Spencer settle back in and shook her head. "I know what you're thinking," she said when Spencer opened his mouth to speak, "but there is absolutely nothing you can do right now for Derek or for Hotch and you are in no shape to try."

"I'm a doctor. I'm perfectly able to assess my own capabilities and I say there's no reason for me to be here any longer. I'm conscious, I'm lucid, the memory loss is completely normal and most likely temporary and none of my tests revealed any bleeding or bruising of the brain. While post concussive syndrome is a concern, I'm reasonably sure that if those symptoms begin to present themselves I-"Spencer stopped himself mid sentence and sighed. "I am fine; a bit dizzy but otherwise fine." He half growled, half pouted.

JJ fought to control the smile playing at the edge of her lips, but stood firm and gave Spencer the same look she gave Henry when he was exhausted and refusing to nap. "First, you are NOT a medical doctor. Second, you nearly ended up in a heap from simply trying to stand up-something people who are "fine" do not do. Third," she went on ignoring glower Spencer was sending her way, "if you do not start to cooperate I'm going to go get Will and he will bring Henry and then YOU will have to explain your godson why Uncle Spens won't do what the doctor tells him to do."

Spencer wanted to protest, but faced with both JJ's big sisterly concern and the threat of his godson's disapproval he folded. "Fine," he grumbled, "but can I at least have a phone so I can call Derek?"

JJ hesitated. She didn't have all the details and she was no profiler but Jennifer Jareau was a damn good FBI agent and nobody's fool. Spencer landing in the hospital with a head injury after meeting with Derek and Derek and Hotch getting into a knock down drag out fight in the hospital waiting room had JJ connecting the dots rather succinctly. She wasn't sure what role Derek had played in Spencer's injury but she knew that if Aaron Hotchner, the King of Control, had lost it enough to get into a physical confrontation with someone who was both his friend and his subordinate, Derek had played _some_ part.

"JJ?" Spencer was looking at her with a mix of expectation and hopefulness that made her heart turn over with affection for him and a sudden, if somewhat unfair, burst of anger at Derek. She cared for Derek, he was family but Spencer was…_Spence_. He was Henry's Uncle Spens, the first member of the team to reach out to Will and make his relocation from New Orleans easier on him; he was the only member of the team to worry about _her _after Georgia and Tobias Hankel. Spencer had come a long way from the shy young man he'd been when they'd met but some part of JJ would always see him as the sweet man-child who'd taken her to see a Redskins game and then quietly confessed she'd been his first date. And after their goodbye kiss had called her from his car to confess she'd also been his first "real" kiss. She loved her BAU family but Spencer was special in a way that none of the others, not even Penelope, were.

"JJ? Phone please?" Spencer's voice ended JJ's musings. "One quick call? To make sure he's ok." _And find out what happened, _he thought to himself though not entirely sure if he meant the fight with Hotch or how he ended up concussed.

JJ made a decision. "Nope. No phone. You can talk to Derek when the doctor gives you clean bill of health and not before." Spencer looked at her like she'd just kicked a puppy and slapped a baby. A lesser woman would have given in, but Henry had puppy eyes that rivaled Spencer's and JJ had learned to stand strong in the face of them. "Don't even try it mister. When you get released I will personally drive you Derek's if you want but until the doctor clears you, you will do NOTHING but lie here and rest. Got it?"

Spencer was a genius and Vegas boy; he knew when he was holding a losing hand. "Fine." He huffed. Then looked at the hand that was holding his and softened. "Thanks for coming and staying and…just you know, everything." He said quietly.

JJ leaned over and kissed his forehead. "No thanks needed."

"Hey now, you making moves on my lady might keep you in that hospital bed." Will's voice sounded from the doorway.

"If I can steal her from my sickbed then there's something you're not doing right." Spencer returned easily.

Will laughed and plopped down in the chair, turning Henry loose when the little boy started to squirm. As he soon as he was freed Henry made a beeline for Spencer and attempted to climb up into the bed with him. At Spencer's agreeing nod, Will helped his son settle in next to his godfather.

"Uncle Spens…story pwease?" Henry asked, giving Spencer puppy eyes that could have been considered a weapon of mass destruction.

"Buddy, I don't think Uncle Spence is feeling up to-"Will began.

"It's ok Will. I don't mind." Spencer quickly interrupted. "What kind of story would you like Henry?"

"The one about the rock and king and the circle table." Henry answered.

Spencer smiled down at his godson and began to recite King Arthur to him from memory. JJ caught eyes with Will and motioned him out into the hallway.

"I need to go for a little while. Can you and Henry please stay with him? I know he's fine, I just don't want him to be alone." She said in a hushed, hurried tone.

Will looked at his lady love for a moment. He didn't need to ask why she was leaving or where she was going. He was pretty sure it was one of two places. "Who's the lucky guy?" He asked arching his eyebrow.

"Hotch." JJ answered. "Derek wouldn't be a good idea right now." She said hotly. She knew if she saw Derek after seeing Spencer in the hospital things could go very badly, very quickly. There was also the fact that she had a few pointed questions that she needed to ask that only Hotch had the answers to.

Will was secretly relieved that JJ wasn't going to see Derek. Will had learned early on that Spencer Reid was on his girlfriends list of people who were absolutely not to be fucked with. He never asked, but he had the feeling that if JJ ever had to prioritize that list Spencer would be second only to Henry.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do." Will drawled.

"Well doesn't that just leave the field wide open." JJ returned and then kissed him lightly, before turning away and making her way towards the exit. Will watched her walk away and then turned and re-entered Spencer's room.

As she climbed into her car and buckled up, JJ was so focused on getting to Hotch and getting some answers she didn't notice the man sitting in the rented black sedan, watching her intently.

* * *

Steve hit the steering wheel in frustration. He had been banking on waiting Spencer's visitors out but JJ had left the hospital sans boyfriend and child. That meant Spencer still had company. Steve started to give up and go home and then he realized that while JJ was a part of the conspiracy to keep him and Spencer apart, her boyfriend wasn't. Will, his brain supplied the name, didn't know who Steve was. Of course, Steve knew quite a bit about Will seeing as how he was involved with JJ and JJ was a major part of Spencer's life. Steve had made it his business to know as much about Spencer as he could and that included knowing about the people in his life.

A smile broke out across his face. He _could_ still implement at least a part of his plan. He could make contact with Spencer; begin the process of getting closer to the man. He'd have to work fast, as he wanted to avoid JJ if it were at all possible.

Steve got out of his vehicle and made his way into the hospital.


	22. Lovers And Friends

A/N: Thank you guys for reading, reviewing and all your feedback.

Disclaimer: Unfortunately I neither own Criminal Minds or any of the characters from the show. Also, apparently you can't buy Matthew Gray Gubler, Shemar Moore, or Thomas Gibson on Ebay.

**Chapter 21: Lovers and Friends**

Derek had planned on going home but the image of Spencer lying still and unresponsive on his living room floor wouldn't leave him alone and returning to the scene of the proverbial crime held little appeal to him.

He had driven around aimless and angry. He had been angry at himself, at Hotch, at Spencer, at Gideon and Elle; the anger threatened to overwhelm him. He thought about going to the gym to work off some of the aggression in the boxing ring or on the heavy bag but he doubted his head was clear enough for him to avoid injury.

He had pulled over, got out his cell phone and saw that he had one missed call and one voicemail. He hit the button and his day went from bad to worse.

"Derek, my name is Joshua Rowe and I got your number from your sister. Desiree is very worried about you and thought I might be able to help. I run an organization called Straight to Salvation and we specialize in helping people overcome their battle with unwanted homosexual feelings. These feelings quite often stem from the complex interaction of psychological, environmental and temperamental influences and our organization believes that we have found a way to lead people like yourselves out of the sin of homosexuality and into the –"

Derek had erased the message and laid his head on the steering wheel. "I cannot deal with this shit today." He muttered. He was never ready for the reminders that his sister saw his sexuality as a problem that needed to be fixed but today, on top of everything else, it was just too much. He was at his breaking point. He had opened his phone and hit speed dial. It rang twice before a familiar voice came through on the line.

"You've reached PG but feel free for the conversation to be NC-17 my statuesque god of chocolate thunder." Hearing Garcia's usual flirtatious greeting settled him a bit and some of the tension had begun to ease out of his body.

"Baby Girl." He said quietly, not knowing what he wanted to say, only knowing that he needed to talk. "I did something stupid. I just…I need a friend." Derek said.

Penelope had noted the slightly defeated tone in Derek's voice. "Your place or mine?" She'd asked softly.

"Yours." Derek answered. "I'll be there in twenty." He'd buckled himself back into his seatbelt and turned over the engine. "And Penny…thank you."

"Derek, you know better than that, no thanks necessary. Being there for you is practically in my job description." Penelope said.

"Baby Girl, I'm pretty sure the bureau isn't paying you to hold my hand." Derek returned.

"First, if there was such a position as "Derek Morgan's designated hand holder" there would a stampede of applicants. Second, I was referring to my position as your, and I'm quoting here, God given solace." Penelope answered.

Derek had let out a small laugh. "That you are Baby Girl that you are." He said as he hung up and eased back into traffic.

* * *

"What the HELL is that?" David Rossi's voice had been laced with both righteous indignation and complete shock as he'd pointed toward the television set.

"That, my dear Dave, would be Snooki." Emily replied, as she kept her amusement at Dave's reaction under wraps.

"That's a trip to the free clinic, that's what that is." Dave noted, shaking his head. "What's THAT?" Dave had asked again a minute later.

"That's The Situation." Emily told him, as she bit the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing.

They had spent the entire day on the couch with Emily introducing Dave to the treasure of trash tv. She'd decided to start with what she referred to as The Jersey Chronicles. They'd made it through several episodes of Jerseylicious, The Real Housewives of New Jersey and had moved onto The Jersey Shore. Dave's reactions had alternated between the confused "_in what world is this shit reality_?" and the horrified _"Why are they all so orange? Jesus fucking Christ, they look like escaped oompa loompas_!" and Emily had thoroughly enjoyed watching the great David Rossi become completely flummoxed at the antics of reality tv "stars."

"The situation is that guys a jackass." Dave had declared. A moment later a heavily muscled young man addressed the camera and spoke about something called GTL and referred to women as grenades. "Let me get this straight," Dave said as he turned to Emily, "This station, which is supposed _Music_ Television, wanted to do a reality show about the Jersey shore-why I don't know- and they picked _those_ people to represent it?" He asked incredulously.

"Pretty much." Emily replied.

"Oh man, Jersey must be pissed." Dave said, as he thought about the other programs he'd watched.

Emily couldn't hold back her laughter anymore and had giggled uncontrollably at Dave's outrage on behalf of the state of New Jersey. Dave smiled at her and brushed her hair back behind her ear. "You've got a beautiful laugh." He murmured tracing her lower lip with his thumb.

Emily's breath hitched as Dave dipped his head forward to kiss her…just then his doorbell had rung. And rung. And rung.

"Son of a bitch." Dave swore. "I'll be right back. Don't move." He said to Emily, as he'd stalked his way to his front door.

The ringing had turned into knocking and the knocking had turned into pounding in the moments it had taken Dave to reach the front door. "What!" He snarled, yanking open the door and coming face to face with a disheveled and bruised Aaron Hotchner.

"Aaron, what happened to-"Dave began to ask his friend

"YOU!" Hotch yelled. "You happened. You and your Eggs Benedict and your man the fuck up and your asinine it's ok to be selfish. Why did I listen to you?" Aaron moaned.

_Ah, this is about Spencer_, Dave thought. Then he was slammed with the knowledge that Emily was in the other room. "Aaron, give me a couple minutes and then we can talk and-"

"Oh no," Hotch declared "I'm never talking to you again. Talking to you resulted in me engaging in a fist fight with Morgan, getting tossed out of George Washington University Hospital like a drunk getting tossed out of his favorite bar and declaring my intentions towards Spencer to Morgan-before I'd even decided what I was going to do! Talking to you-"He pointed at Dave, "Is what got me into this mess in the first place!"

"Why were you at a hospital fighting with Morgan? Never mind, Aaron please-"Dave broke in trying to silence his friend.

Hotch was in no mood to be silenced. He was angry at Morgan, mortified by his behavior, worried about Spencer and terrified he was about to ruin not one, but two friendships. He needed to vent and he and Dave had been friends long enough that he knew Dave was a safe place to go.

"You'd think I'd learn not to listen to you after that whole mess in San Francisco with the prostitutes and the drag queen and that god damn Chihuahua!" Hotch roared, ignoring Rossi's frantic hand waving and pleas to be quiet.

"Prostitutes, Chihuahuas and drag queens huh? Sounds like one hell of a tea party." Emily remarked from the hallway. "I don't know which has me more curious, the fight with Morgan or the San Francisco tale."

Dave shook his head and tried not to laugh at the shocked expression on his friends face. "Aaron, as you _might_ remember per our earlier conversation, Emily is here."

Aaron had turned into Hotch faster than Clark Kent turned into Superman. "Prentiss. I had forgotten Dave said you'd be coming by. Dave, I won't keep you any longer, you two enjoy the rest of your afternoon and please accept my sincere apologies for interrupting." He was every inch the calm, controlled unflappable Unit Chief, all traces of his earlier meltdown completely gone.

"Hotch, there's no need for you to leave. I could-"Emily began.

"No, I interrupted and you two had made plans. Dave, I- I'll call you later." Hotch turned and was about to leave when Dave had taken hold of his arm.

"See that you do Aaron." He said fixing him a level gaze, and indicating the bruise on his chin.

Hotch nodded once and left. After Dave had closed the door behind him Emily surprised him by wrapping her arms around his waist and laying her head on his shoulder.

"Emily…I know you're probably curious-"Dave started.

"You have no idea." She confirmed mischief in her tone.

"I can't talk about it. Aaron's feelings toward Spencer-"

"That's so yesterday's news." Emily finished for him.

"You know?" Dave asked, shock making his jaw drop. He turned so he was facing Emily.

Emily rolled her eyes. "Dave, at this point the only person on the team that _doesn't_ know is Spencer." She thought for a moment. "Maybe JJ too."

Dave laughed. "I told him the two of them weren't exactly subtle." His eyes narrowed. "If you know how Aaron feels about Spencer, what are you curious about?"

Emily traced Dave's goatee before she answered. "San Francisco." She answered.

Dave grimaced then laughed before he shook his head. "Oh hell no." He replied. "That's going with me to the grave."

Emily wound her arms around Dave's neck and pulled his head down. "I guess I'll just have to find a way to make you talk." She said, before she gently brushed his lips with hers.

"I thought I was the expert negotiator." Dave teased, as he ran his hand through her hair.

"You thought wrong." Emily replied, as she kissed him again.

* * *

When he made it to Penelope's Derek had gained a modicum of control over himself. He knocked on her door, apology for interrupting her evening at the ready.

"Derek! What on _earth_ happened to you?" Penelope gasped when she'd gotten a good look at her friend.

"Spencer. Hotch. Mostly myself." Derek replied as he made his way inside. "He winced at a sudden pain in his ribs when he sat down. "I take that back. It was mostly Hotch."

"_Hotch?" _Penelope squeaked. "But it looks like someone hit you!" Derek raised an eyebrow and understanding came crashing down on her. "HE HIT YOU?"

"Penelope-"

"He's dead. I mean, I can't kill him literally but he'll wish I had." Penelope declared, grabbing her laptop. "Who does he think he is? What right does he have to put his hands on you? I am going to take his life apart bit by painful bit until he's a whimpering mass of –"

"Penny don't." Derek interrupted her mid sentence. "When you find out what happened you might just hit me yourself." He said ruefully.

Penelope slowly closed her laptop. "Derek, what happened?" Penelope questioned.

Derek sighed, took a deep breath and began to tell Penelope exactly what had brought him to her door.

* * *

Hotch didn't think his day could possibly get any worse but when he pulled into his driveway and saw a determined Jennifer Jareau waiting for him he knew that it could, in fact get much, much worse.

He steeled himself for what he knew would be a barrage of questions he didn't want to answer and got out of his SUV.

"JJ, it's been a really long day and I-"

"Need to talk about it with a friend." JJ announced as she marched past Hotch and up his front step. As she waited expectantly at his front door Hotch bit back a curse and threw up a prayer that JJ wasn't there to tell Hotch where to go and how to get there.

A few minutes later they had sat down at Hotch's kitchen table, sipping tea, somewhat reluctant to start the conversation they both knew was coming.

JJ reached put her cup down and looked over at Hotch. "You ready to tell me what happened?" JJ asked.

Hotch pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled. "JJ, I know that you and Spencer are close-"

"Then you know that I'm not leaving until I find out why he was in the hospital and why you and Morgan were fighting." JJ quietly interrupted.

Hotch gave JJ his best Unit Chief glare, which she steadily returned. Hotch huffed a small laugh; he should have known better. JJ's blonde hair, blue eyes, all American girl looks and gentle demeanor had fooled more than one UnSub and LEO alike into underestimating the media liaison and they'd all paid the price for doing so. Hotch knew he wasn't going to escape this conversation until JJ had gotten what she came for.

"Where would you like me to start?" He asked.

"Try the beginning." JJ suggested.

"I'm thinking that was sometime around the time I got stalked, stabbed nine times, dumped on an ER doorstep and my life went to hell in a hand basket." Hotch replied bitterly.

"I-I didn't mean to-"JJ stumbled over her words, confused as to how Foyet had made his way into the conversation.

"It's ok." Hotch took a deep breath and exhaled. "When Foyet infested my life, especially after he stabbed me and Jack and Haley had to be put in WITSEC, I wasn't very pleasant to be around."

JJ raised her eyebrows a bit at the understatement. "We all understood. It was a difficult time for you." She said diplomatically.

"I was an ass." Hotch asserted. "I didn't have –"Hotch almost said control, but he was reticent to admit that to a subordinate, even if she were a friend, "balance." He finished. "I was struggling."

"Hotch we all understood."

"Yes you did. You all did. Garcia made sure I had something obscenely bright and sparkling around me at all times. You made sure I ate and left the office at a decent hour. Morgan made sure I got out and about in the real world. Emily made sure I knew I wasn't alone. Dave gave me an ear to bend, a shoulder to lean on and an occasion kick in the ass. You were all supportive, and all so kind but Spencer…Spencer was different."

"How?" JJ asked softly.

"He was quiet. He didn't try to force me to go out, or tell me not to work the case or suggest I take some time off. Spencer intervened without me realizing that's what it was." Hotch gave a little laugh and continued, "It started with cups of coffee. One morning he knocked on my door with a cup of coffee in one hand, a case file in the other, trying to balance it all on his crutches and pretended to need my help. Eventually he dropped the ruse, left out the case file but kept bringing the coffee. We talked…about things that had nothing to do with the BAU or the Bureau. I got to know Spencer…not the genius or the agent, but the person. And I don't think I have to tell you that Spencer the person is pretty amazing."

"That he is." JJ agreed softly.

"Then after Haley was killed, Spencer was the only one I could…he was just _there_. Teaching Jack magic tricks, questioning me about The Beatles, forcing me to go to something called Comic-Con. Somewhere between letting me beat him at Scrabble and me teaching him to actually enjoy baseball things changed for me. I just, he's just…he's _Spencer._" Hotch explained the best way he could.

JJ smiled at Hotch. "He is Spencer," she agreed, "Why do you think I chose him to be Henry's godfather? He's a good person."

Hotch nodded. He wasn't one to normally share his emotions and even though JJ was a friend, he wasn't entirely comfortable getting into the depth of his feelings for Spencer. He certainly wasn't about to tell JJ about the nights he spent fantasizing about making love to Spencer or the times his thoughts drifted during briefings and he imagined how it would be to throw him on the conference table and just take him. He shifted in his seat and cleared his throat. No he definitely would not be sharing that with JJ.

"You and Will made a good choice." Hotch said instead. He had often envied JJ and Will for the role Spencer played in Henry's life. Jack had, over time, grown to adore Spencer and it always warmed his heart to see their interactions. Hotch had known that his affection and attraction to Spencer was something much deeper when he'd realized that it wasn't just his life he wanted to share with the young genius, but Jack's as well.

"Yeah we did. Henry is completely immune to the Reid Effect." JJ reported proudly. She sensed that Hotch was holding back but she knew that being so candid about his emotions wasn't easy for him. She wanted to leave him with as much of his privacy intact as she could but since this involved Spencer she couldn't just let it lie.

"Are you…Hotch, what are you saying? You…you care about Spence?" She questioned carefully.

"JJ…" Hotch knew he didn't have to answer. He hadn't talked to Spencer yet and he didn't know, despite what he'd said to Morgan in the heat of the moment, if he wanted to.

"Hotch." JJ said, getting his attention. "I think you know how much he means to me. I would do practically anything for him and I want nothing more than for him to be happy, really truly happy with someone who loves him and can appreciate him for who he is."

Hotch braced himself before he spoke. "And he's found that with Derek and you don't want to see me mess that up for him." He said bitterly.

JJ looked down at her lap for a few moments then looked up at Hotch. "Spencer loves Derek. They were pretty happy together until recently…and that's something Spencer's never really had. I don't think Derek has either. They're good for each other, in a lot of ways." She said.

"I get it JJ." Hotch said quietly.

"No, Hotch, I'm pretty sure you don't." JJ said. "What they have between them, we've all spent years watching it grow and waiting on them to realize it. Once they did, I think Spencer really did expect happily ever after and it hasn't turned out that way at all and he's confused and hurt."

"You think I'll be taking advantage." Hotch said flatly.

"No Hotch, I don't and I wish you'd let me finish." JJ sighed. "I know you better than that. You aren't that guy. You aren't the rebound guy or the guy that takes advantage. I know that you wouldn't do that to Spencer or to yourself. What I'm trying to say is that…Spencer and Derek are, for the most part, a good thing…but that doesn't mean that you and Spencer wouldn't be a good thing too."

Hotch stared at her in shock for a moment. "Are you saying I should…that you think I should-"

"I'm saying," JJ broke in, "That I care about Spencer and want him to be happy. And I'm saying that you are a good man, who would be good to him and that's all I want for him. I'm saying," JJ looked Hotch in the eye, "that Spencer deserves to know that he could have a chance to be with you and make his own mind."

"And what about Derek?" Hotch asked.

"I care about Derek and I don't want to see him hurt." JJ answered. "But Spencer is my top priority. And Derek's done a lot to hurt him lately. I'm not saying that erases all the good things he's done for him in the last few years, but it does…change things. He's Spencer's first real love," JJ saw Hotch _almost_ blink at that so she reached across and grabbed his hand, "but that doesn't mean he'll be his last love. If they can work it out and Spencer's happy then I'm happy. If you tell Spencer how you feel and he wants to see where things go with the two of you, I'm happy with that too. I just want you to know that the only side I'm on in all this is Spencer's."

As the implication of JJ's words sunk in, Hotch felt himself relax. "That's…that is more than fair. Thank you." He said.

"You're welcome." JJ said. "So…is this why you and Derek were fighting in the hospital?"

Hotch froze. As angry as he was with Derek he was still a friend…or so he hoped, maybe. Whether Derek was a friend or not, he was still his agent-hopefully- and given JJ's closeness to Spencer, Hotch didn't think any good could come from JJ knowing the particulars.

"I may not be a profiler and I may be a blonde but I'm far from dumb." JJ murmured. "You can tell me or I can hunt Derek down and he can tell me."

And there it was Hotch mused. JJ was a veritable iron fist in a velvet glove. Hotch sighed. "Partly." He answered.

"And the other part?" JJ prompted him.

Hotch sighed. "Derek…told me something I wasn't happy to hear."

"About Spencer?" JJ pushed.

Hotch hedged yet again. "Yes about Spencer."

JJ was done playing games. "Did Derek hit him?" She asked bluntly, her tone leaving no question just what would happen if the answer was yes.

"No." Hotch replied quickly.

JJ processed the information. "But he did have something to do with Spencer's injury." She pressed.

Hotch gave JJ a half-smile. "You would have made an excellent attorney." He noted.

"So that's a yes." JJ replied, refusing to be distracted.

Hotch pinched the bridge of his nose. "He said he and Spencer were arguing, Spencer tried to leave and Derek pushed him against a wall to prevent him from doing so. Spencer apparently hit his head, and Derek sought medical attention for him."

"So he didn't hit him, but it wasn't exactly an accident." JJ said slowly. She couldn't help but be angry at Derek, but before the anger could fully come through she was hit with the knowledge that Spencer didn't remember what happened.

"What is it?" Hotch had been watching JJ intently.

"Spencer…he doesn't remember. He said it's normal sometimes when you get a concussion not to remember events immediately prior to or surrounding the incident, but he doesn't remember. He knows you two got into a fight but he doesn't know why. He doesn't know Derek…" JJ trailed off.

Hotch was quiet for a moment. "I think its best if that comes from Derek. I'd rather not say or do anything that could be construed as trying to manipulate Spencer or turn this…situation to my advantage."

JJ nodded and took another drink of her tea. Hotch and Derek were both good men and both had different things they could offer Spencer. She knew before this rough patch Derek and Spencer had been happy but she also suspected that Hotch could make him happy as well. She gave a silent prayer that no matter what happened Spencer would end up with the happiness he deserved.


	23. I Will Possess Your Heart

A/N: As always thanks for reading, commenting, and reviewing.

**Spoiler Alert: **Blink and you miss it references to Masterpiece and The Longest Night

Disclaimer: Still not mine…though I wouldn't mind having a Spencer, Hotch or Derek to call my very own.

**Chapter 22: I Will Possess Your Heart**

"Are you INSANE?" Penelope Garcia asked Derek. She paced her apartment with her hands flailing wildly, and then turned to glare at him.

"You HURT him." She said. "What would you say to me if I told you Kevin-"

"Baby Girl, I know." Derek whispered. "Don't you think I know? I just keep replaying it over in my head, wishing I could change it, wishing I could take it back. You have no idea how scared I was or how scared I still am."

Penelope was torn. Spencer was her Junior G-Man, but Derek…Derek was more than just a best friend or big brother. He was family in a way that no one else in the BAU, not even JJ, was and he was here and he was hurting.

"I do not forgive you, but I still love you to pieces." She said sitting down next to him and taking his hand. "I hope when Hotch hit you it hurt. Just…not too much."

Derek laughed. Only Penelope could simultaneously comfort and condemn him. "It hurt like hell." He commented. "But not nearly as much as knowing that Spencer's lying in a hospital bed because of something I did."

"What are you going to do?" Penelope asked him.

"About what?" Derek asked her.

"All of it!" She squeezed Derek's hand. "What are you going to do about Spencer's secrets, the fight with Hotch, and your relationship with Spencer…just everything?"

"I don't know. I mean, I'm still angry. I know I may not have the right to be, but I am. He lied to me, sure it was a lie by omission and he had his reasons but it was still a lie. And Hotch," Derek closed his eyes briefly, "Hotch basically told me he's going to go after Spencer. And the kid's got no idea Hotch wants him and unless he's recovered a hell of a lot in the last couple of hours he also has no idea I'm the reason he ended up with a concussion." Derek shook his head. "Everything's a mess Penny. I hurt Spencer, I fought with one of my best friends-who also happens to be my boss, my sister has religious nut jobs trying to "fix" what I don't consider to be broken and I just found out two people I thought were in my rearview aren't as far in the past as I thought they were."

"Derek, what do you want? Your relationship with Spencer is causing you both a lot of pain right now. Are you…do you still want to be with him?" Penelope asked quietly

Derek looked her in the eye. "That's the only thing I know that I do want." He replied.

"Then fight for him." Penelope said then winced. "Not literally though." She clarified. "Look, I won't pretend to know what you're feeling right now. What I do know is that the happiest I've seen you is when you were with Spencer and the unhappiest I've seen you is when you two are apart. You need to decide if this whole Gideon/Elle thing is something you can get over. If you can't get over it then let go, if you can then hang on for dear life."

Derek thought for a few minutes. "Penny, I don't know what's going on with me. Ever since Spencer and I got into it at Metro, I've been…I barely recognize myself. What I did to him-"

"That was an accident." Penelope broke in.

"Not all of it." Derek disagreed. "Penny, it never would have happened if I'd kept my hands off him in the first place and even if what I _did_ was an accident, there's no way to excuse the things I _said._ I never knew I could be so damn…vicious with someone I love." He said sadly.

Penelope cocked her head to the side. "Do I want to know?" She asked softly.

"The highlights…I threw his parents in his face, accused him of running game on all of us, and implied that I was better than him and it made no sense for Elle and Gideon to be able to leave me behind and not him." Derek sighed.

Penelope was shocked. "Derek," She said gently, "you know how long it took Spencer to come into his own. And his parents…" She shook her head. "When he remembers-"

"He'll hate me." Derek finished.

"No he won't." Penelope insisted. "He'll be angry and hurt and upset but this is Spencer. He won't hate you. You might want to make sure though that you tell him before he remembers on his own and thinks you were hiding it."

"I was planning on seeing him tomorrow." Derek hedged.

"Oh no Baby Cakes, that's not good enough." Penelope declared. "You're going to see him _tonight._ We're just gonna rip the bandage off, tout suite." Penelope declared.

"Baby Girl, did you miss the part where I got kicked out of the hospital?"

Penelope narrowed her eye. "Are you not a highly trained federal agent? Are you seriously going to tell me that the guy who took down the Prince of Darkness is afraid of hospital security?" She demanded.

"What if he's been released?" Derek asked.

Penelope sighed and opened her laptop. A few keystrokes later she triumphantly declared Spencer was still there and being kept overnight for observation. "So, are you gonna man up or do I have to do obscene things to your Facebook page?" She asked Derek.

Derek shook his head. "When you put it like that…I guess I'm going back to the hospital."

"Good answer. Give me two shakes of a lamb's tail and I'll be ready." Penelope announced.

"Wait-huh?" Derek asked blankly.

"Psssh, you had to know I was going with you. That way I can see with my own two eyes the Boy Wonder is just fine and make sure you don't wimp out." Penelope declared. And be there for you if things go badly, she added silently.

Derek knew that part of the reason Penelope was going was to provide moral support. "Thank you." He said simply.

"You're welcome. Now, lemme get ready so we can blow this popsicle stand."

* * *

"You know…I'm starting to doubt the existence of the legendary Reid Effect." Will declared looking at his sleeping son, snuggled up against Spencer.

Spencer laughed. "BAU offspring don't count. For some reason both Henry and Jack seem immune."

"So how's your noggin'?" Will asked

"Better. I still don't understand why I have to stay overnight." Spencer complained.

"It might have a wee bit to do with the lack of memory and loss of consciousness." Will deadpanned.

Spencer shot him a look and Will smirked back.

"Spencer?"

Both men turned toward the unfamiliar voice in the doorway. "Spencer Reid?" Will was puzzled and Spencer was momentarily stunned when Steve entered Spencer's hospital room carrying flowers and a teddy bear.

"Steve?" Spencer asked, "What are you-"

"I was visiting a friend. She was in a bit of a fender bender and got a little banged up. I thought I'd come by and cheer her up." Steve lied smoothly, indicating his gifts. "I didn't expect to find you in here." He turned to Will with a wide smile, "Detective Steve Berry. I met Spencer a few years back when he and his team assisted on a case." He offered his hand to Will.

"William LaMontagne, Jr." Will replied extending his hand, keeping one eye on Spencer, trying to get a read on his feelings toward their unexpected visitor.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Will." Steve returned.

Steve stepped around Will and made his way over to Spencer's bedside. "Are you ok Spence?" He asked his voice full of concern. "What happened?"

"I'm fine." Spencer replied. He wasn't too happy about Steve's presence or the man's insistence on invading Spencer's personal space at every chance he got, or him hijacking JJ's nickname for himself.

"Fine huh?" Steve replied. He walked around to the end of Spencer's bed and picked up his medical chart.

"Says here you have a concussion." Steve said, as he read Spencer's chart.

"Hey!" Spencer's voice was sharp with annoyance and irritation.

"I think that's the good doctor's way of reminding you about HIPPA laws and such _detective_. " Will deftly slipped Spencer's chart out of Steve's hands and placed it back on the end of the bed.

"Sorry Spence…didn't mean to overstep, just wanted to make sure you were ok." Steve laughed off Will's intervention, showing no signs of the anger he was feeling at his presence.

Will may have left his shield behind in New Orleans but he still had his instincts and there was something about Detective Berry that had him on alert. Spencer's obvious agitation at the man's presence only increased his determination to make sure the visit was as short as possible.

Steve knew he couldn't stay long. He noted that LaMontagne had shifted his weight and positioned himself slightly between Steve and Spencer. He once again stepped around Will and made his way to the Spencer's bedside. He reached out and ran his fingers through Spencer's hair, "You should take better care of yourself Spence. I don't think you know just how special you are."

Spencer visibly recoiled from the touch. "Thank you for your concern." He said tightly, "But I'm fine."

"That you are." Steve responded so softly neither Spencer nor Will could quite make out the response.

Seeing Spencer's growing discomfort, Will was about to intervene when Spencer decided he'd had enough. "Thank you for dropping in Steve. I appreciate it. I'm sure you'll want to get to your friend before visiting hours end." Spencer wrapped a protective arm around Henry and shrank back as far as he could away from Steve.

Steve wanted to scream but he understood that Spencer had probably picked up on Will's hostility and was trying to protect Steve from the ill mannered man. He forced out a laugh. "You're right, I should get going. I was just a little surprised when I walked by and saw you in here. I just wanted to make sure you were ok."

"He's fine." Will answered smoothly, "He's got cable, all the Jell-o he can eat and family around to keep him company."

Steve fought to hang onto his temper. He wanted to smash Will's smug face in, but he didn't want to cause Spencer any discomfort. "That's good. Being in the hospital all alone is no fun. If you need me to Spence-"

"I'm not alone-"

"He's not alone."

Both Will and Spencer spoke at the same time. Steve bit back his temper once more and gave Spencer a brilliant smile, then fixed a significantly cooler gaze on Will before nodding. "I'll just be off then." He replied.

"Ok, bye." Spencer said quickly.

"Nice to meet you, Steve." Will said, shepherding the man towards the door.

Just as he got to the doorway, Steve turned around and addressed Spencer. "I still owe you a dinner. Give me a call when you get out of here and we'll set something up." He then turned and left before Spencer could say a word.

"You were right." Will said a moment after Steve had left.

"What was I right about?" Spencer asked.

"You don't ever have any normal fans." Will teased.

"At least I have fans." Spencer shot back

"Yeah the kind that boils your bunny and hobbles you while ranting about dirty birds." Will retorted.

"I don't have a bunny." Spencer replied smugly.

"Thumper probably saw the writing on the wall and ran for his life." Will replied.

Spencer scowled and Will laughed. They were about to gear up for round two when they heard a throat being cleared from the doorway. "Boys play nice." JJ chimed in from the doorway.

"JJ, Will's picking on me!" Spencer whined.

"He started it Chère." Will insisted.

"Will, stop picking on Spencer and Spencer you stop tattling on Will." JJ said in an exasperated tone. "Why must you two turn into a couple of ten year old boys whenever you get together?"

"Will couldn't have kept up with me when I was ten. I was in high school." Spencer said smugly.

"So what? I was making out with Monique-Ines Decoudreau." Will returned. "She was twelve." He added, crossing his arms. He lost his smirk when JJ smacked him on the back of the head.

"Hey," He protested, "violence is never the answer."

"Except when "How do you shut up Will?" is the question." Spencer retorted.

Will gave Spencer a one finger salute which Spencer returned right around the time Henry started to wake up.

"See what you did!" Will and Spencer accused each other in unison.

"Oh for Pete's sake!" JJ sighed, plucking the toddler from Spencer's bed. "How's mommy's big boy?" JJ asked.

Will and Spencer both started to make a smart remark but wisely closed their mouths when JJ gave them The Look.

"Sorry." They both said, and then burst out laughing.

"And people ask me if I want to have any more kids." JJ shook her head, then ruffled Spencer's hair and kissed Will. "Spence, I hate to take off on you but its Henry's dinner time and-"

"I understand JJ. I'm just grateful you came…_even if you did bring him_" He mouthed pointing at Will.

"You wound me, you know that?" Laughed Will, making his way over to Spencer and giving his shoulder a squeeze. "Get better soon."

Spencer smiled. "Thanks Will, thank JJ, bye Henry. I promise I'll take you to the park next Saturday if we're here ok?"

Henry clapped his hands and blew Spencer an air kiss that was more saliva than air, then JJ, Will and Henry left.

Spencer had scarcely settled back into his pillows and closed his eyes when a familiar voice floated over from the doorway.

"Hey Pretty Boy, are you feeling up for some company?"

Spencer opened his eyes and saw Derek standing in the doorway.


	24. Chapter 23: Bitter Sweet Symphony

A/N First…I am so sorry for the long delay in updating and I hope you guys can forgive me. I also hope this chapter is worth the wait. I'm already working on the chapter after this so *crosses fingers* hopefully it won't take so long to update again. I really appreciate each and every one of you guys that take the time to read this story and those of you that go the extra step to review and give your feedback help more than you know. Some of my best ideas have been inspired by reader feedback, so feel free to make suggestions.

**Chapter 23: Bitter Sweet Symphony**

Spencer's gaze locked onto Derek's and time stood still. Spencer's hazel eyes asked the questions he couldn't push past his lips: _What happened? Where were you? How did I get here? _Chocolate brown orbs stared back with their own silent pleas: _I'm sorry. I love you. I'm here now. _ Though they weren't touching, the two men were sharing a moment as intimate as any lover's embrace.

Spencer felt confused. He had imagined that when he finally got to see Derek he'd be happy or at the very least relieved. And he was…but there was something underneath, something he couldn't quite get to or understand that was making him uneasy.

Derek had never felt so conflicted before. He felt the lump rising in his throat and fought against the rising tide of panic. Spencer was looking at him as if he was happy to see him…puzzled but happy. Derek guessed that it was because Spencer still didn't remember how he'd ended up in the hospital or the things Derek had said to him before his injury. Derek felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and regret when he remembered the way he'd gone after Spencer and mixture of fear, hurt and betrayal that had been on Spencer's face when Derek had been yelling at him or the vacant, empty look in his eyes right before he'd slumped to the floor.

Spencer caught sight of the small bag Derek was carrying. "I'm always up for company bearing gifts." He responded with a grin. "What did you bring me?"

Derek laughed and sat down in the chair by Spencer's bed. "No, "hey Derek how are you?" just "What did you bring me?" You are like a little kid, Pretty Boy." He gently admonished.

Spencer rolled his eyes. "Hey Derek, how are you?" He parroted back. "Now, what did you bring me?"

Derek shook his head and handed Spencer his gift bag.

"Oh cool_, The Stainless Steel Rat_. You know, I've always intended to read this one and just never got around to it. Thanks Derek." Spencer said beaming. Once he pulled the book out of the bag he reached back in and pulled out a purple plastic spoon and a single cup of strawberry Jell-O.

"I owe you one, Pretty Boy and I figure it's about time I start paying what I owe." Derek said, moving over and plucking the bag from Spencer's hands. He leaned over Spencer, wrapped a hand around the back of his neck and pulled him into a tiny, chaste kiss.

Spencer closed his eyes when the gentle brushing of Derek's lips over his sent little sparks of pleasure lacing through Spencer's veins. He sighed happily and ran his fingertips over Derek's jaw, then opened his eyes to see Derek's face mere inches from his.

_"You think you get to just walk out? You come over here, you start a conversation with me that you__knew__was gonna get heated and when it gets too hot you wanna cut and run? Get that from your daddy Spencer, or did Gideon teach you that little trick? Oh I know Elle's been schooling you. Guess what Spencer, this time, I'm not being walked out on before I have my say, you hear me?"_ The image of Derek his irate face looming over Spencer, his unyielding grip trapping him against the wall and him spitting angry, hurtful words rose up from the murky depths of Spencer's memory.

Spencer's sharp intake of breath and the veil of hurt that suddenly dropped into his gaze let Derek know that Spencer had remembered something…and it wasn't good.

"Pretty Boy –"Derek began.

Like looking through photographs being cataloged for a scrapbook, the memories came flooding back to Spencer.

"_For the past few years the team have been,__I__have been walking on eggshells, avoiding all references to Gideon so you don't do your "I'm emotionally compromised so I'm just gonna be a defensive whiny bitch, then shut down completely" routine and you're telling me that it was all for nothing because you've been kicking it with him on a semi-regular basis? __You are such a god damn user. We bend over backwards trying to soothe your fragile little ego, make sure poor little Spencer knows that it isn't his fault he was left behind, make sure you know that you're part of a family, that you are loved and you're playing us the entire time?"_

_"You played the poor, pitiful me card and we all fell for it. Poor pathetic Spencer with the whacked out mother and the deadbeat dad, picked on and beat down by classmates, misunderstood by peers and abandoned by his mentor. Poor Spencer needs reassurance, poor Spencer needs support, poor Spencer needs love, poor Spencer needs to be protected and coddled."_

" _She suck you off Spencer? I bet she did."_

_"Why you? What the fuck makes you so impossible for them to walk away from but they can leave the rest of us in the dust?"_

Like the pieces to a puzzle, the memories snapped together, creating a picture of his missing hours; they had Chinese food. They talked about the mistakes they made, the hurt feelings and half truths. Then, Spencer had told Derek about Elle and Gideon and Derek had-

Spencer turned wide, pain filled eyes on his former lover. "How could you say those things to me?" He whispered.

Spencer's words hit Derek with the force of a blow. Derek hadn't been prepared for Spencer's reaction. He'd steeled himself to have angry, hate filled words flung at him, for Spencer to yell, to scream, to kick him out, maybe even hit him. But now, looking at Spencer and seeing the betrayal reflected in his eyes, Derek knew he hadn't prepared for _this. _Spencer's quiet devastation left him far more shaken than angry recriminations and self righteous proclamations ever could have.

"Pretty Boy…Spencer, I am so, so sorry." Even to his own ears the words rang hollow. He had taken Spencer's worst fears and deepest insecurities and turned them into weapons to wound him with. He tried to imagine how he'd feel if the roles were reversed, if Spencer had thrown his father's death, or Carl's abuse or Derek's family problems in his face and when he felt real pain bubble up from the imaginary scenario, he knew that his odds of being forgiven were slim to none.

"What are you sorry for?" Spencer asked, quietly.

Derek was momentarily stunned, then began to speak. "I'm sorry that I put my hands on you. I'm sorry that you ended up here because of something _I_ did. I'm sorry that I took your attempt to let down your guard and used it to prove you'd been right to be defensive in the first place. I'm sorry that I said such vicious, hurtful things but mostly, Spencer…baby, I'm sorry that I hurt you."

Spencer was silent for several moments. Then he looked up at Derek. Where Derek had expected to see hate, or fear he saw anger and determination.

"You," Spencer said, his voice strong and steady "should be sorry. You should be sorry for all the reasons you stated, but you know what Derek? The thing you should be apologizing for the most hasn't even made it onto your radar."

"Spencer-"

"No. I talk, you listen." Spencer cut across quickly. "You had no right, _none,_ to manhandle me the way you did." Derek's gaze dropped to the floor. "But," Spencer continued, "I won't be a hypocrite. I know what it's like to lose control of your temper and act out. But this _can't _happen again. Derek, violence can't be a part of this, of us, if there's going to be an "us". We, both of us, have lashed out physically in anger. It's a line that we never should have crossed and it can't, it absolutely can't become a habitual thing. It's too easy for isolated incidents to become a pattern of abuse and I will put up with a lot but I will _not _put up with that. I spent most of my childhood fending off psychological, verbal or physical attacks and I'll be damned if I'm going to do it as an adult. If you ever go after me like that again, I will report it. And if I go after you like that, or assault you like I did at Metro, I expect you to report me. I am willing to move past this, for the sake of our history and our friendship and…the possibility of maybe, someday getting back what we had, but this can _never_ happen again." Spencer declared.

Derek nodded. "I know. I-"

"I'm not done yet." Spencer interrupted. "Now, the things you said to me? Yes, they were out of line but…I expected nothing less." At Derek's indignant gasp, Spencer rolled his eyes. "Derek…I kept my relationships with Elle and Gideon secret for years. Why do you think I did that? I _knew _you guys would transfer all of your hurt and anger onto me. I also knew that when it came to Gideon all the resentment surrounding not only his leaving, but that god damn letter would return full force." Spencer said ruefully.

"I expected you to be mad. I expected you to lash out. I didn't expect you to be so gauche as to bring up my sexual history or call my mother names, but I suppose I was overly optimistic. Point is, even though I didn't expect a concussion and a trip to the hospital, I fully expected you to be furious. That didn't surprise me…the ferocity of your verbal attack was…more than I had anticipated, but the fact that there was one wasn't unanticipated." Spencer explained.

Derek's head was spinning. "Wait…you expected me to flip out on you?" He asked incredulously. He wasn't sure why, but he was a little offended.

Spencer pushed his hair out of his eyes and shook his head at Derek's tone. "Don't you dare give me that "how could you expect so little of me" look." Spencer said impatiently. "Derek, I was going to be telling you that Gideon was still a part of my life, that Elle was still a part of my life and that they had no desire to be a part of anyone else's. You loved Elle; you greatly admired and respected Gideon. It was going to hurt…add to that you'd been operating under the belief that I was the walking wounded where their defections were concerned and I'd allowed that…misconception to continue unchecked for years. You actually had every right to be angry…a lie by omission is still a lie and considering that I shared your bed for almost a year…that's a long time to omit about something so important…so yeah, I expected you to be pissed." Spencer declared bitterly.

"Then why…if you knew I'd be mad and you…are willing to work past this," Derek rubbed the back of his neck, "then why are you angry right now?"

"You really don't get it, do you?" Spencer exploded. "Derek, you stood there and apologized for everything but the one thing that I didn't expect you to do, the one that _hurt_, more than your juvenile digs about Cam or my mother or your references to my dead beat dad or throwing me into a wall. You honestly have no idea what that was?" Spencer asked angrily.

Derek searched his recollection of the afternoon. He couldn't remember saying or doing anything that they hadn't already talked about. "No…I …Spencer, I'm trying here but no, I can't."

Spencer narrowed his eyes and folded his arms over his chest and glared at Derek. He took a few deep breaths to steady himself, and then fixed Derek with a cold stare. "You," he said icily, "basically told me that I wasn't good enough for Gideon and Elle to want to keep in their lives. As a matter of fact, your exact words were _"Why you? What the fuck makes you so impossible for them to walk away from but they can leave the rest of us in the dust? _As if I'm unworthy, as if I'm not deserving of them wanting to maintain a relationship with me. As if there was something insulting about them choosing to stay connected to me, but not the rest of you. As if I'm _less than_ the rest of you. I'm used to people thinking that Derek…I grew up being the freak, the anomaly, the weirdo. I got used to the subtle reminders that I wasn't like everyone else and the looks people gave me to let me know they found me inferior." Spencer briefly closed his eyes, then opened them and looked right at Derek, "I never thought I'd hear those reminders fall from _your_ lips or see that look in _your_ eyes."

Derek felt sick. He searched for the words to make Spencer understand how sorry he was. "Pretty Boy-"

"No." Spencer interrupted. "No, _you hurt me_. You did the one thing I never expected you to do…you turned into one of _them_. You became every bully that ever chased me home or made me so afraid that I ate my lunch hiding out in the handicapped stall in the restroom. You became the guys in gym class that had me too terrified to shower. You became the guidance counselors and principals who looked the other way and told me to try harder to fit in…as if being tortured on a daily basis was somehow _my fault._ You became the guy that refused to be my lab partner because I was " a little queer." You became every single face on that football field that pointed and laughed while I was naked and helpless, tied to a goalpost. I expected you to be angry Derek…I _never_ expected you to become the reason I can't sleep at night."

"Spencer-"

Spencer held up his hand and kept speaking. "I _am_ worthy, Derek. I am every bit as worthy as you, or Hotch or Emily or…anyone. I am a good person, not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I am good. I didn't deserve those looks and those words and the scars and the pain back then, and I don't deserve it now and _I won't take it._ I will never be tied to a goalpost again…not even by you. I deserve better, especially from you and I deserve an apology." Spencer was shaking, and unshed tears were shining in his eyes, but his voice was strong and his gaze never wavered.

Derek sat on the edge of Spencer's bed and ran his fingers down the side of Spencer's face, loving tucking an errant strand behind his ear. "You," Derek said, "deserve so much more than an apology, Spencer. You deserve everything that I haven't been giving you. You are a good person, Spencer…better than you know. You have the most beautiful, generous spirit of anyone I've ever met. I am constantly in awe of the man you are. You're special Spencer Reid, and it's not because of your intelligence or your breathtakingly beautiful face or amazingly sexy body…you're special Spencer because you're _you. _Your strength, your compassion, your unwavering faith that there is always light to be found, even in the darkest of times…Spencer, you are phenomenal. I have never met anyone who makes me as happy as you do. I have never known anyone who is as pure and as good as you are. I am sorry…I am so damn sorry that for even a _second_ I became the thing that keeps you up at night, that drives you to stand in the middle of the street no gun, no vest, risking your life to talk down a troubled kid with an assault rifle, the thing that makes you search for the joke behind every compliment you're given."

Derek grabbed Spencer's hand and it put it over his heart. "Spencer…I love you_, I love you_, God, you don't know how much I love you and how sorry I am. You don't need to tell me you have value …I've known that for years baby. The way you've loved me…so pure and so strong, Spencer you have no idea what a gift that's been. If I'm a good man baby it's because you made me one. It's because I've woken up everyday we've been together, thinking to myself, "what can I do to make Spencer proud?" because I am so damn honored to be the man you love. I saw your worth years ago Spencer and I've have spent everyday since trying to deserve you…I know lately I've been lacking, fucking failing, but it's not because I don't want you, or need you, or fucking respect you because I _do_. I love you, and I respect you and I am sorry."

Spencer was silent for a few moments then took Derek's hand and kissed his fingertips. "Apology accepted." He murmured.

Derek felt a weight lift off his chest. "Thank you." He whispered.

They sat in silence for a few moments, fingers intertwined, Derek kissing Spencer's temple every so often and then Derek broke the stillness. "How…how is Elle? And uh…Gideon?"

Spencer looked up at Derek. "Elle's good. She's working for a PI firm. She's been dating a prosecutor for a couple of years now…I think they are contemplating cohabitation, but she's reluctant. She…had a rough time after she left the Bureau…it took her awhile to settle, to work through her fear and her anger and her guilt, but she's happy now and whole. Her not talking to any of you is just…her way of moving past Garner and Lee and the BAU. Her connecting with me was…" Spencer took a deep breath. "Do you remember a few years back when she sent everyone those Christmas cards? The letters that came with them?"

Derek nodded. "Yeah, her belated goodbye notes."

Spencer shook his head. "They weren't. They were…did you know that step number eight in the twelve step program is to make a list of all the people you've harmed and be willing to make amends and step nine is make direct amends to those people, except when it would harm them or others? For Elle those letters were her way of making amends."

"Ok..but…why then-"

"Derek." Spencer cut in quietly. "Randall Garner changed the trajectory of Elle's life. He stole her faith in the system, in humanity, her belief that she was safe in her own home, her trust in her own judgment and her trust in us. And Randall Garner knew how to target us, how to get to us and invade our lives and pervert our secrets because of _me. _Because I felt so guilty about doing what had to be done for my mom that I would rather write her letters and betray my friends secrets than visit her. Elle paid the penance for my sin…and…after Tobias, when I had to make my own amends…send my own letter…she understood."

Derek let it soak in. "And Gideon?"

"Gideon…Gideon was more than just my mentor. He was the father that I always wanted. He understood me. He nurtured me. He challenged me, he supported me but most of all…he accepted me. There was never any judgment with Jason, the things that made me a freak to other people he saw as gifts. We talked…about everything. His marriage, his son, why Ryan and Rossi and Cole left the BAU but he never could, why he refused to write a book, why he still wore his ring, why I was afraid of the dark, my…confusion about my sexuality. He was family before I trusted the rest of you to be. And I think…for him, I was family too. We bonded in a way that he just didn't with you and Emily and even Hotch, because unlike you guys, I need him. We need each other. His relationship with Stephen is…a lot like my relationship with William. There are so many hurt feelings and disappointments and more than a little distrust that they don't know how to bridge the gap. Gideon lost one son, he didn't want to walk out on another." Spencer explained.

"And what about the rest of us?" Derek asked, unable to disguise the bitterness in his voice.

"The rest of you are a door he's terrified to open. The rest of you are, for him, a link to the life that he barely found the strength to walk away from. Plus, and he'll never admit this, he's afraid and ashamed. He's afraid to face you all after he, for all intents and purposed ran away. He knows that you all understand why he left but none of you have forgiven or forgotten how he did it. And he's ashamed of how he broke, how he did the one thing he was always telling us to do and took it home with him, lost himself in the darkness and drowned in the depravity of it all. And then there's Frank…Derek none of you, except Hotch and I, can really understand what its like to have an UnSub make you beg, to take things from you that you'll never get back, to change who you are and how you view the world, to not only make you a victim but make you _responsible for other victims_. Gideon closes his eyes and he sees Sarah and Rebecca. I close mine and I see Pam and Mike Hayes…and Tobias. I'm sure that Hotch has nights where all he can see behind his lids is Haley. Gideon knows I understand and even though I don't agree with what he did or how he did it…given how _I _chose to deal with things, I won't judge him. Can you really say the same?"

Derek sighed. He knew Spencer was right. Now that he'd given Spencer the chance to explain, he had to admit it made sense. Elle and Gideon didn't choose to keep in contact with Spencer as some sort of declaration that the rest of them didn't matter, they simply reconnected with an old friend who could understand them, and most importantly accept them, in ways that the rest of them couldn't. Derek had to admit as much as he'd admired and respected Gideon, he had, on more than one occasion been vocal and open about doubting him and their relationship had never been as close as the relationships Gideon had with Hotch and Spencer. Derek also had to admit and no matter how much he liked Elle he would never be able to look at her the same. The value that he placed on his badge, his oath to uphold the law and his belief in getting justice-not vengeance-for the victims would always color any interactions he could have with her after her shooting Lee in cold blood and basically getting away with murder.

He kissed the top of Spencer's head. "I wish I'd been calm enough to let you explain all that to me earlier." Derek regretfully said.

"So do I." Spencer said seriously. "But, things happened the way they did. Theories on closed timelike curves aside, we can't turn back time. We can only move forward from here…and try to learn from our mistakes."

"Spencer…about moving forward-"

Spencer laughed. "Derek, I'm in a hospital bed. Today has been…well it's been eventful. Why don't we table any more serious discussions until I'm out of here and we've both had time to process everything that's happened today."

Derek nodded. The fact that Spencer was still speaking to him was more than he'd dared to hope for, he wasn't going to push his luck. "All right then, Pretty Boy. I ah…I guess I should let you get your beauty sleep." Derek said, clearly not wanting to leave. Over the years he and Spencer had made an unspoken pact that they never left each other alone in the hospital. He didn't want to break it now, but he was afraid of forcing his presence on Spencer, especially since he was the reason Spencer was in the hospital in the first place.

Spencer's face fell. "You're leaving?" He said, not bothering to hide the disappointment in his voice.

Derek broke into a grin, kicked his shoes off and settled into the bed next to Spencer.

"Not a chance, Pretty Boy." He declared, wrapping his arms around Spencer.

Spencer sighed contently and settled into Derek's embrace and closed his eye.

"Good." A companionable silence settled over the two of them, until Spencer felt Derek shifting. "Derek." Spencer said without opening his eyes.

"Yeah?"

"Stay away from my Jell-O."

"Damn."


	25. Half Crazy

A/N OMG 200 Reviews! I am in shock and in awe and amazingly humbled by the response. Each and every one of you that has taken the time to review, alert, favorite or read this story has my profound thanks. This was my first fan fic ever and for it to have been so well received means the world to me and has done wonders for my confidence. Thank you guys so much and hope you continue to enjoy the story.

**Chapter 24: Half-crazy**

"All right, my doves, I've given you a whole half hour to talk and I can't wait anymore so I'm coming in!" Spencer's eyes snapped open and Derek groaned as the merry voice of Penelope Garcia announced her presence. She came into the room, a blurry mix of her neon green and black ensemble and large silver shopping bags.

"Baby girl-"Derek began.

"Don't Baby Girl me!" Penelope snapped. "I'm still mad at you. And you," she pointed at Spencer, "are supposed to call your family when you get injured. I am miffed at you too."

"Sorry." Derek and Spencer simultaneously answered.

"Hrmph. I hope you don't think that's anywhere near good enough. I should spank both sets your sweet and sticky buns." She threatened.

Derek laughed and Spencer turned pink. "I ah, I actually don't think-"

"Relax. I'm not really going to spank you-_this time_." She took one look around the dreary room and sighed. "I have too much work to do."

"Work?" Spencer repeated blankly.

"Mmm hmm," Penelope repeated absently. She reached into shopping bags and began removing banners, stuffed animals, balloons and several flower arrangements. "I know you're only here overnight, but this place is downright depressing. You need a little bit of happy in here sugar shack."

Derek and Spencer were silent as Penelope flitted around the room. Soon every corner and available surface had something cheerful, sparkly, and bright adorning it.

"Thanks Penny." Spencer whispered when she'd finished and they'd been talking for a few minutes. "I ah, I appreciate you doing this. It means a lot."

"_You_ mean a lot." Penelope responded, folding Spencer into a hug. "And don't ever forget it. Now, your fairy god mother has to get home before she turns into a pumpkin."

Derek sighed. He'd brought Penelope; if she were ready to leave that meant he'd have to leave as well.

"Well, Pretty Boy, I guess I'll be back in the morning." Derek said.

"Oh…ok." Spencer said, trying to cover his disappointment.

"You don't have to go, Derek." Penny said. "I called Kevin. My sultan of cyberspace is out in the waiting room."

"Baby Girl, he's been out there the whole time?" Derek asked.

"Penelope! You've been in here almost an hour." Spencer laughed.

"The luscious Mr. Lynch would wait forever for me." Penelope declared with a healthy dose of fake melodrama.

Neither Derek nor Spencer could hide their smiles at her announcement. "What? I'm totally worth it."

"Yes you are, Baby Girl." Derek agreed while Spencer snickered.

"A girl could get a complex around you two." Penelope laughed. She went over and kissed both men on the forehead before walking to the door. "You, call me as soon as you get home." She instructed Spencer. "You-behave." She told Derek before making her exit.

"Alone at last." Derek murmured, slipping back into bed with Spencer.

"Not quite, I'm afraid." A cheerful voice answered him before Spencer could utter a word. A nurse bustled into the room. "Dr. Reid, visiting hours were over fifteen minutes ago. Your friend really shouldn't be here."

Spencer's face fell and he aimed his most precious looking puppy eyes on her while Derek gifted her with his trademark smile.

"Oh dear." She laughed. "A woman would have to be made of stone to turn down the two of you. It's against the rules but…go ahead and stay over. Just make sure he gets some rest."

"Thank you!" Spencer breathed.

"I promise I won't keep him up." Derek promised.

* * *

As it turned out, Derek didn't keep Spencer up, but he still didn't get much rest.

Hospitals, Spencer decided, were designed to deny patients the very rest doctors insisted they needed in order to recuperate. He'd spent the entire night being woken up at random intervals by someone checking his vitals, asking him questions, and just generally annoying him_. I've rested better on the jet_, Spencer crossly thought.

If Spencer were being honest he'd admit it wasn't the constant interruptions that annoyed him nearly so much as the way some of the nurses kept leering at Derek, or the way his current nurse was taking every opportunity to rub some part of her anatomy up against him. Not that he technically had a claim on the older profiler anymore, but really, the multitude of loose women that had thrown themselves at him didn't know that_. In fact_, Spencer thought, _if the intellectually challenged slags bothered to evaluate the existing evidence they'd be hard pressed to conclude that Derek was anything other than my significant other: He had come bearing gifts; he had charmed the charge nurse into allowing him to stay overnight and had spent said night in my bed. Surely even the most oblivious, socially inept," _Spencer glanced at his current nurse and frowned at her proximity to Derek,"_morally bankrupt, completely shameless hussy_-

"Would you kindly stop shoving your bosom in his face?" Spencer snapped. "I assure you, the upper ventral region of your torso is hardly the most impressive that he's seen."

Derek began to laugh and then attempted to cough to cover it up.

"_Excuse me?" _Amy, his nurse for the moment and the woman who had earned his ire, squeaked. "What are you talking about?"

Spencer's eyes narrowed. He was tired, he was cranky, he had a headache and he was in no mood for her to play dumb. "I am speaking" he said stonily, "of your bosom, your breasts; your modified sudoriferous glands…please remove them from Derek's face. If you lean over any further you will undoubtedly impede his ability to breathe properly."

Amy turned angry eyes on Spencer and sputtered. "I have no idea what you are talking about."

Spencer gave her an incredulous look. "I am talking," he began speaking very slowly as if he were addressing a small child, "about your bongos, your big 'uns, your bazongas, your barackas, your bass drums, your bazookas, your Bouncing Betties, your breastisists and your apparent attempts to use them to either entice or asphyxiate my…uh…Derek."

Amy turned a deep shade of purple then said primly, "I shall see what is taking the doctor so long to prepare your discharge papers." She then all but fled from the room.

Derek bit the inside of his cheek to contain his laughter but the corners of his lips quirked up. "Your Derek?" He questioned softly.

"I um…well sort of." Spencer mumbled.

Derek decided not to push the issue just then. "What was up with the adjectives? Are we playing the alphabet game, Pretty Boy?" He teased.

"I thought the alliteration would help illustrate my point." Spencer returned stiffly.

"Uh huh…now Pretty Boy, where did you even hear some of those...seriously Kid, Bouncing Betties?" He questioned.

"Garcia." Spencer replied. When Derek continued to look at him he gave in and elaborated. "Tequila and a strip club. I lost a bet and she bought me a lap dance."

"Sounds more like you won," Derek remarked, tamping down his flash of jealousy. "So uh, Big 'uns?"

"Rossi. It was a team night out, there was a book tour groupie, and he'd had way too much Jack Daniels."

"Bazongas?"

"Will. Last guys' night in, pizza, poker, a Russ Meyer movie and cheap beer."

Derek arched his eyebrow. "Breastisists?" He asked, face splitting into a grin.

Spencer struggled to maintain a straight face. "Hotch. There was a really determined hooker, with really huge…uh breastisists and for once Hotch was the one in the crosshairs."

Derek's jaw dropped then he proceeded to howl with laughter. The idea that the ever serious and always proper Unit Chief had ever uttered the word breastisists, coupled with Spencer's rant, made him laugh until he cried. Spencer shot him a look of feigned annoyance then eventually joined in.

"You know, it's cute when you get all jealous." Derek remarked.

"I was not jealous. I was merely protesting her vigorous attempts to suffocate you. We should have Garcia check her out. It's quite possible that she is an Angel of Death, using her obviously saline enhanced bust to smother her patients-"

Derek laughed again and Spencer elbowed him. "What? After everything we've seen you're _really _going tell me it's outside the realm of possibility?"

Derek just shook his head. "I am almost positive that woman was all natu–" Derek stopped short at the look Spencer was giving him and changed direction, "I'm almost positive she was not trying to kill me Spencer." He finished weakly.

Spencer scowled and Derek ruffled his hair. "You're just cranky 'cause you're in the hospital."

Spencer didn't bother to deny it. "I'm so ready to go home."

"Well then, you are in luck, Dr. Reid. I come bearing your emancipation proclamation." A kind looking older man said from the doorway.

The doctor gave Spencer his discharge instructions and then left him to dress. "I can't wait to be out of here." Spencer remarked.

"Oh now Dr. Reid, surely we weren't that intolerable." A friendly nurse said, producing a wheelchair for Spencer to sit in as he rode toward freedom.

"No…you all were…very proficient at your tasks. I just am not a fan of hospitals." Spencer answered.

"That's perfectly understandable Dr. What do you say we get you out of here then?" The nurse pushed the chair into the room then stopped short when she caught sight of Derek.

"YOU! You…you..." The woman could hardly form words.

Too late Derek realized that it was the same nurse who had the misfortune of being caught up in the middle of the brawl he'd had with Hotch.

"I ah…I'll just go bring the car around." Derek said quickly, exiting the room.

Spencer turned a puzzled glance on the nurse and her lips thinned. "Dr. Reid, if it's all the same to you, I'd appreciate it if you didn't get injured again. I don't think our ER has the necessary accommodations for your friends. We lack turnbuckles and referees out there." She remarked dryly as she pushed Spencer down the hall, out the hospital and to the curb. She left him with a warm goodbye and shot Derek with a nasty look before heading back inside.

"Do you want to tell me what all that was about?" Spencer asked as he climbed into Derek's SUV.

"No." Derek answered honestly. "But as soon as we get you home, I'mma tell you anyway."

* * *

As soon as they got to Spencer's and heard the strains of _Heads Will Roll_ by The Yeah Yeah Yeah's, booming out from behind the door, Spencer and Derek knew Cam was in his apartment. Derek mentally cursed the lack of privacy and Spencer steeled himself for a round of 20 questions as they opened the door.

"Spencer Evan Reid your ass is grass." Cam said as soon as he walked through the door. "I have called, texted, sent smoke signals and carrier pigeons and yet you don't respond! I was worried about you! You know the rules Spencer, the agreed upon text back tempo is to be maintained at all times unless there is mechanical failure, someone is injured, infirmed or naked sexy times are happening." She narrowed her eyes and gave Spencer a once over. "You don't look like a man whose been having naked sexy times and if your phone were non operational you'd have told me by now." She swept his form from top to bottom. "Spencer what happened?" She asked, fear evident in her voice.

Spencer gave a small smile. "I was in the hospital, I had a concussion." He answered simply.

Cam's eyes narrowed as she looked back and forth between Derek and Spencer. "Spencer," she started slowly, "were you in a car accident on the way to Derek's or something?" She asked.

Spencer furrowed his brows. "Why on earth would you ask me that?"

"Because Spencer…the last time I saw you, you were climbing into the geezer mobile with plans to go over to Derek's…and now you're here with him," She looked out the window, "and his Navigator is parked out there on the street and your car is nowhere to be seen. You say you were in the hospital with a head injury…seems like a reasonable conclusion."

Derek closed his eyes briefly and Spencer looked at the ground. "Cam, can we get into this later? I just kinda want to settle in."

"So there's something to "get into" then huh?" Cam pounced.

Derek cleared his throat. "Cam, Spencer just got out of the hospital and-"

"I got that part of the story, Derek. The blank I need filled in is why he was there in the first place." Cam swept her eyes over the two men in front of her again. "Spencer… I'm thinking bad thoughts over here and I need you to tell me what happened so I can stop imagining you mugged, or ran off the road, or attacked by a band of droogs, or some crazy stalker molly whopped you."

"Nobody's stalking me." Spencer scoffed then fell silent.

Spencer chewed on his lip. He knew that Cam would eventually drag the story out of him and truthfully, he didn't like how keeping what happened a secret felt. Hiding or covering up what happened made Spencer feel a little too much like the battered partners he'd interviewed over the years. Keeping the circumstances of his injury cloaked in secrecy made things seem darker and more sinister than he was comfortable with.

"It was my fault." Derek cut in suddenly. He didn't want them to lie about how Spencer got injured. There was a difference between maintaining their privacy and keeping something a dirty little secret. Derek didn't want to put the responsibility of protecting him or worse, the burden of lying for him on Spencer. If the two of them were going to move forward they had to do so with as much transparency as possible.

Cam's eyes moved from Spencer to Derek. "How, exactly, is this your fault?" She asked quietly.

"I hurt him." Derek answered, looking Cam in the eye. "I lost my temper, I said some really fucked up shit to him and I shoved him into a wall."

"It's…we're dealing with it." Spencer added quickly, willing Cam not to freak out.

"Oh really? You're dealing with it? Tell me Tina, just how are you and Ike dealing with it?" Cam asked sarcastically.

"Cam…don't." Spencer warned her.

"Don't what Spencer? Act like we haven't all seen this Lifetime movie before?" Cam retorted.

"I know what you're thinking-"Spencer began.

"Trust me, Spencer. You have no idea what I'm thinking right now." Cam answered, glaring at Derek.

"I'm pretty sure you're thinking of all kinds of choice names to call Derek." Spencer sighed.

"I deserve every one of them. I'm not gonna even try and excuse what I did." Derek broke in. He looked Cam in the eye and added, "I get that you're pissed at me and I'd expect nothing less. I'm pissed at me. You wanna hate me, fine that's your choice and I won't say a word about it. I will say though, how Spencer and I deal with this is _our _choice and you _don'_t get a say in how Spencer and I handle things from here."

Cam turned to look at Spencer. "He hurt you. Again. You realize I already gave him two freebies, Doc. Once at the club and once the night you caught him in bed with Hookerella."

"Technically at the club I was the one who ah, cast the first stone as it were." Spencer pointed out.

Cam ignored Spencer and turned to Derek. "This is your third strike Derek and you're out. You really brought this on yourself."

"Cam-"Spencer began.

"I'll talk to you later, Spencer." Cam went over and gave Spencer a kiss on his forehead before walking out of the apartment.

Spencer furrowed his brows and Derek let out a breath. "That wasn't so bad." Derek said, taking a seat on the sofa.

"No…it wasn't. In fact it was too easy." Spencer said slowly.

"Come on babe, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. She didn't flip out...let's just be thankful for small favors." Derek sighed.

"Derek…Cameron is impulsive at her best and volatile at her worst. She's extremely protective of me and not your biggest fan right now. Her reaction-"

"Was completely inconsistent with her personality." Derek finished.

"I should probably go up and talk to her. I know she was upset, hopefully I can calm her down before she does something cra-"

CRASH WHAAWHAAWHAA CRASH WHAAWHAAWHAA CRASH WHAAWHAAWHAAWHAA

The sound of breaking glass and a car alarm blaring up from the street below interrupted Spencer.

"Oh no…oh no no no no no no no she didn't." Spencer muttered after looking out his window and rushing to his door. He yanked it open and ran out.

"What?" Derek asked bewildered, following behind him.

CRASH WHAAWHAAWHAA CRASH WHAAWHAAWHAA CRASH WHAAWHAAWHAAWHAA

BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM

By the time Derek and Spencer reached the curb, Cameron was walking around Derek's truck with a baseball bat, beating dents into every flat surface she encountered. Spencer's jaw dropped and Derek's clenched as they took in the damage.

Cameron had slashed every single one of Derek's tires and busted out all of his car windows. She'd keyed the entire length of the vehicle twice, poured sugar in the gas tank and egged the paint job. His SUV looked like it had been caught in some crossfire in the middle of a war zone.

"Woman, have you lost your god damn mind?" Derek demanded once he found his voice.

"No, but you have if you think you can put your hands on Spencer and get away with it." She fired back, hitting the SUV one more time.

"I should have your ass arrested!" Derek yelled

"Funny, I was thinking the same thing about you!" She yelled back, swinging the bat again.

"Cameron!" Spencer shouted. "Stop…this…just stop. Please." He pleaded.

Cam gave Derek a dirty look and pointed the bat at him. "I don't care how big you are. I don't care that you're some super special agent and have Bruce Lee ninja skills. I don't care that you carry a gun. You hurt him. You hurt Spencer and that shit doesn't fly. He wants to forgive you fine, that's Spencer's choice, but you better hear me and hear me good, Derek Morgan: You hurt Spencer ever again, and what I did to your ride will pale in comparison to what I do to you. I will come at you so hard and so fast you won't know what hit you and by the time I'm done there will be a whole lot of slow singing and flowering bringing around the BAU."

Cam turned to Spencer. "I love you but I'm not apologizing and I'm not sorry. Now, I'm going back inside. I expect you to come up later and talk to me. You-"She turned to look at Derek, "don't think I'm afraid of jail. I have a trust fund, a bad ass attorney on retainer and absolutely no regrets. Go ahead, call the cops. It was worth every single second I'll spend in lock up." She spun on her heel and went inside.

"Derek…I'm-"

"Don't. Just…it's not your fault Spencer. Your girl is _in-fucking-sane_…but it's not your fault." Derek was incensed, but he knew that if the shoe was on the other foot and he'd found out that someone had hurt Spencer he'd have been on the warpath as well and the absolute last thing he wanted to do was lose his temper with Spencer.

"I'll make sure she covers the damage." Spencer said quickly. "I ah, I know you could report this to the authorities but-"

"You're killing me here, Pretty Boy. If your psychotic friend covers the damage…I'll let it go." Derek said, still incredibly pissed off but trying to overcome it for Spencer's sake.

"Thank you." Spencer said. "I ah, I guess that means you're stuck here with me for awhile."

Derek smiled. "Yeah, yeah Pretty Boy, I guess it does."

"Good. It gives you time to explain to me what happened with you and Hotch. JJ told me you two had a fight and the nurse who brought the wheelchair made some reference to not having referees in the ER. I want to know what happened and you promised you'd tell me."

Derek closed his eyes and mentally swore. Things had just gone from bad to worse.

* * *

Aaron sat across the table and glared at his friend.

"You can't possibly be blaming me for-"

"I assaulted a subordinate, had a brawl in a public place, was thrown out onto the curb like a randy drunk and declared my intentions to everyone but my intended. And the root cause of all that craptastic decision making was your equally craptastic advice." Aaron declared.

"Shooting the messenger only accomplishes so much." Dave replied.

"I am armed Dave. I'm armed and if you crack wise one more time I'm going to be dangerous." Aaron snapped.

"Look Aaron," Dave said draining his glass of scotch," so you and Morgan got into a fight. If I belted Ryan or Gideon once, I belted them a dozen times and we still managed to work well together. Course some things were more difficult to put behind us than others-"

"No need to remind me, Dave. You still owe me three hundred, twenty-seven dollars and ninety-three cents for paying the damages after that incident in New Hampshire." Aaron said dryly.

"How was I supposed to know Gideon would duck?" Rossi groused.

"Of course. It's _Jason's _fault. Clearly he should have stood there and let you hit him with that bar stool."

"He had it coming and if he had of just still, I wouldn't have clipped the bartender, and there wouldn't have been a bar fight." Rossi shrugged.

Aaron put his head on the table. "_Why _did I listen to you? Morgan could have me brought up on charges and Spencer- do you realize me saying anything to him is practically handing him a sexual harassment suit? Not to mention what it does to our friendship-he'll probably never be comfortable around me again! And-"

"Jesus Aaron, are we going back around this mulberry bush?" Dave sighed. "Look, Morgan knows, I know, Emily knows-and has known long before yesterday afternoon thank you very much-, JJ knows, I'd lay odds Penelope knows…the cat is not only out of the bag, it took out an ad in the god damn paper to announce its presence. There's no pretense left to maintain; the only person still in the dark here is Reid. And you know as well as I do he won't be for long. Someone is going to end up telling him and it might as well be you.

"Your advice-"

"Is so good I should charge you for it." Dave interrupted. "Look Aaron, I know that you're struggling right now and not just with your feelings for Reid. Bottom line is that you want Reid. You want him and even if I'm still not entirely sure it's the best of ideas, I know that you sitting here choking on it isn't doing either of you any favors. You're in limbo and he's oblivious. You keep coming up with the same tired excuses that no longer hold water. Truthfully, I'm starting to think you're scared the kid _won't_ turn you down." Dave snapped. Aaron's face instantly slipped into his well worn mask of neutrality at the words and realization dawns on Dave.

"Son of a bitch," Dave swore. "You're afraid the kid's gonna take you up on it if you make the offer. I should have known. All this time I thought you were scared to take the chance of being rejected but now it makes sense, all the talk about being afraid to lose him, being broken, the comparisons to Haley. You're afraid of losing him all right, _after _you get him." Dave declared.

Aaron's jaw twitched. "I'm not that arrogant Dave. I'm not assuming I'm going to end up with Spencer. He's not exactly "free and clear." There are complications and consequences that I know he'll have to weigh and come to his own conclusions about. Spencer may give me the "you're a really nice guy and I hope we can be friends" speech." Hotch smiled ruefully.

"I sense a but coming here." Dave interjected.

"But," Hotch deadpanned, "I know Re-Spencer, better than anyone, save Morgan. I know what buttons to push, which ones to avoid, and which ones he doesn't even know exist. Over the years he's told me some of his darkest secrets and deepest fears. I know when to rein him in and when to let him roam. I know when to encourage and when to censure. I know when to push and when to pull back. I know his strengths and his weaknesses. I know him inside out and more importantly, I know me. I don't…I don't do anything half way. If I pursued this, pursued Spencer, I would use everything that I know about him to my advantage, I would go after him with everything I have because you're right- I want him. And it isn't just that I want him, Dave. It's the _way _that I want him. I haven't wanted like this since Haley. And I went after her with both guns blazing, got her and then promptly fucked it up. And while I think I have a decent shot at Spencer deciding to be a part of my life, I don't want to make the same mistakes twice and I honestly don't know if I can avoid it."

"Who's to say that you will?" Dave interrupted.

Aaron barked a bitter laugh. "Have you met me, Dave? My sense of humor is so dry it's dusty. I brood, I'm a drill sergeant, I'm a control freak, I'm a perfectionist, I don't share my feelings, I beat a man to death with my bare fucking hands! Does that sound like someone who can make Spencer happy on a long term basis?"

"How about you let the kid decide that?"

Aaron ran a hand over his face. "It's _Spencer. _He's had enough hell and heartbreak in his life, Dave. I just…I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to see him look at me with disappointment and disillusionment in his eyes."

Dave shook his head. "For the last time, Reid isn't Haley. Haley fell for a boy who wanted to be a lawyer. A guy who'd get her a house in the 'burbs in an upper-middle class neighborhood and send her 2.3 kids to private school and she'd be in the Garden Club and such some happily ever after type shit. She ended up with a guy who chased down psychopaths and was hardly ever home and didn't give two candy coated fucks about a white picket fence. Haley fell for the man she thought you would be while Reid, from what I've seen, harbors one hell of an attraction for the man that you ARE, Aaron. It's one hell of a difference buddy and you better start acknowledging it or you're gonna fuck things up with the kid before you ever start."

Aaron quietly mulled over Dave's words. His friend was right. He had been terrified of repeating the same mistakes with Spencer, disappointing, hurting and ultimately losing him the way he had Haley that he hadn't let himself take into consideration that Haley had had certain expectations and impressions of him that Spencer never had. Haley had known and loved the boy he was and man he'd planned to be and hadn't been able to reconcile that with the man he became. Spencer only knew him as he was his good, his bad and his ugly, Spencer had seen it all and wasn't viewing him through the filter of who he could have been.

"Do you ever get tired of being right?" Aaron joked.

"Not in this lifetime." Dave replied smugly. "A little birdie told me Reid got released today. You might want to pay him a visit."

Aaron nodded. "I should go by and see him."

"And?" Dave asked pointedly.

Aaron stood and squared his shoulders. "And as you so eloquently put it: man the fuck up."

Dave's smile was one of smug satisfaction. "Bout damn time.

* * *

"Derek, we've cleaned your car, had it towed, ordered and eaten lunch and now I want you to stop stalling and answer my question: what were you and Hotch fighting about?" Spencer asked, exasperated and frustrated beyond the point of caring about having tact.

Derek grimaced. He'd tried to put off having to answer Spencer's questions; partly out of his genuine belief that Hotch should be the one to tell Spencer about his feelings for the genius and partly because he was damn embarrassed by the whole thing.

"Spencer…baby-"

"No. Don't "baby" me. You promised, Derek." Spencer interrupted. "You promised me that when I got home you'd tell me what the fight was about. I'm home, I've been home for hours…admittedly there were some unforeseen uh, complications, but I want an explanation." Spencer crossed his arms and looked at Derek expectantly.

Derek sighed. "I don't know how much I can say. A lot of this isn't my story to tell. I will say that it was about you."

"That much I gathered." Spencer said wryly

Derek rolled his eyes. "You have Hotch listed as your emergency contact-which by the way was news to me- and the hospital called him when you were admitted. When he got there he was…less than happy to find out how you got hurt. We had words and things got physical."

Spencer rocked back and forth on his heels. The bare bones story Derek had given him was a red flag to the genius there was more to the story. "What aren't you telling me?" He finally asked Derek.

"The parts that aren't mine to tell." He answered as honestly as he could.

"What does that even mean?" Spencer snapped.

"It means you have to ask Hotch." Derek replied.

"WHY? Derek we agreed to be honest with each other, no more secrets, no more half truths, no more lies. And yet here you are, clearly keeping something from me." Spencer responded angrily.

"Pretty Boy-"

"Don't Pretty Boy me! We are supposed to be trying to…I don't know move forward, start over, something else and here you are refusing to be honest with me!"

"Spencer-"

"Derek, this how we ended up in this mess in the first place! Keeping secrets and telling half truths and not trusting each other didn't work before and it won't work now. I thought you wanted…I don't know things to be better, to be different. This is hardly conducive to any kind of a "fresh start"!" Spencer fumed. He knew there was more to the story and Derek's reluctance to share, in light of recent events had him irate.

"Like I said, it's not my story to tell! You have to talk to Hotch!" Derek yelled back.

"I'm talking to _you! _What could possibly be so terrible that you won't tell me? Am I being fired? Are you being fired? Did Hotch make a pass at you?" Spencer asked.

"No, we're both still gainfully employed and trust me, Pretty Boy, I'm not Hotch's type." Morgan said bitterly.

"You're everyone's type." Spencer scoffed. "Just tell me what's going on Derek. Clearly it involves me somehow and I don't appreciate being treated like a child and having things kept from me."

"Then stop acting like one and accept that you need to talk to Hotch." Derek ground out.

"Again, I'm talking to you! Why are being so obtuse? Why would you keep something from me? Derek-"

"Damn man, just let it go!"

"No! Just talk to me damn it!"

"I HAVE talked to you, now for the last fucking time- ASK HOTCH!"

"For the last fucking time, I'M ASKING YOU!"

"Spencer-"

"Derek-"

The ringing of the doorbell stopped both men in their tracks. Spencer strode over to the door and threw it open. "WHAT? H-Hotch. Hi...uh come in, we were just talking about you and uh…now you're um...here. "Spencer backed up so that Hotch could step over the threshold.

"So I heard." Hotch responded dryly. He stepped cautiously into the room and locked eyes with Derek.

"Hotch! Perfect fucking timing!" Derek threw up his hands and glared daggers at the Unit Chief. "You're just in time. Spencer here would like an explanation as to why we were throwing down at the hospital. I told him to ask you and hey, here you are. Come on in and tell the man what he wants to know." Derek challenged.

Hotch's eyes slid from Derek's angry eyes to Spencer's confused ones. He squared his shoulders and took a deep breath.

"I came over to do just that." He answered before turning to Spencer. "I'm not quite sure where to start and I'd rather do this without an audience, but there are things that you need to know, things that I've avoided telling you for far too long." He began.


End file.
